It’s Not Like They’ve Done Anything Wrong. They Only Worship Satan

Goths. We all hate them, but we can’t do anything about it. They are allowed to walk among us, polluting the public scenery and rebelling against everything possible without penalties. Many citizens have actually moved due to the large Goth population in their neighborhood, only to discover that Goths are everywhere and that they will soon govern this country. So how do we expel these people from our great nation? How do we rid our rich soil of these wrist-slitting offenders? First, we must find out what makes a Goth so dangerous to society.

The word “Goth” is derived from the biblical term “Gothic,” which means “Someone who should be shot.” In many books of the bible, Goths are mentioned enslaving the Jews, crucifying Jesus, and destroying the world. In fact, few people know that the word “Armageddon” is Gothic for “picnic.”

Two thousand years ago, when the bible took place, the Goth population was very small. There were only four of five Goths in all of West Asia, and they were usually too busy cutting their thighs to do anything productive. Nowadays, however, scientists predict that there are over 110 million Goths nation-wide; all producing enough blood from their thighs to fill Lake Champlain. They can be seen buying food from public grocery stores, playing sports on public fields, and roaming the halls of public schools. Their unhinged attitude and lack of self-control is spreading freely around America, and it needs to be stopped.

You’re probably wondering why I can make all of these ridiculous assumptions and stereotypes about the Goth community and speculate that they are the downfall of America. Well the sad truth is that I know more about Goths than anyone ever should. I have been living with a Goth for about 2 years now, and I have been observing his lifestyle in an attempt to understand them better. I guess you could say that I’m the Jane Goodall of Goths. In my studies I found out how one becomes Goth, what Goths do to out-rank each other, and how to distinguish between a Goth and a Punk Rocker. And through my famed publicity of this world-renown blog, I am going to share my findings with the world.

My brother became Goth a little less than 2 years ago. He may have wanted to transfer earlier but was not provided the opportunity because there was no tragedy. This is because the only way to become Goth is to suffer a hardship in your life. Generally, it’s a family death, abusive childhood, or alcoholic parent that drives you to become Goth, but some desperate wannabes call upon less extreme afflictions such as list earrings, bad dream, sour milk, etc. It is essential that your Gothic lifestyle begins with a tragedy or else you will be referred to as a “poser.” A poser in the Goth community is the lowest of the low. He is hated by everyone and everything and is never allowed to show his mascara-covered face again. Typical posers will not admit to being one, but can also never give you a legitimate reason as to why they are Goth. Not that it matters; all reasons for being Goth are bullcrap because the only time you should be allowed to hate life is if you have the same career, publicity, and name as Andy Dick.

The main question folks ask is why people become Goth. Why would someone want to be hated by everyone? Why would they choose to be the lowest species on the social ladder—below above anime-lovers—when everything was going fine before? The answer is simple: attention. Oh sure, they may have had a shred of dignity before their traumatic accident (getting a C+ on a math test), but no one was really looking at them. But now that they’re Goth, people not only look at them, they call them horrid names and throw rocks at them too!

Okay, I’m getting a little too worked up; let me slow down. When someone becomes Goth, people ask him why. What he really wants to say is “because I’m an attention-craving loser who wants people to look at him no matter what the cost,” but instead he will preach something along the lines of “because I don’t agree with the cliques and images the media drives into our head. Every year the government puts millions of dollars into telling us what to do, what to wear, and what to say. People who were once so free to think what they want have been brainwashed by the subliminal messages they see daily. Earth is no longer a place to appreciate nature, but rather a storm of marching clones who all wear what their told, say what their told, and have never once gone against the rules. We let other people determine what is cool; we let other people shape our images, and it’s not right.”

The Goth kid will continue this rant until you hit him in the head with a desk. In my years of study, I have learned that when you ask a Goth a question, you should warn him in advance that if he exceeds the 20 second answer limit, he will be quartered. But I’m getting off track.

Goth people claim that they are against the images driven into society’s head that make everyone look the same. If that is the idea they’re rebelling against, why do all Goths look the same? Why are the people denouncing “public cloning” all dressing in black pants and wearing dark makeup? I’ll tell you why: they’re stupid liars. Goths are too thickheaded to realize that their alibi is hypocritical and doesn’t make sense. By all stating that they’re against cliques, they’ve created their own clique!

Another example is anarchists. These people claim to be against group rules and leaders, yet they assemble. And when they do assemble, they obviously have someone in charge (a leader) and guidelines to follow (rules). The only way to be a true anarchist is to literally do everything people tell you not to do while you individually do around breaking rules; also known as an asshole.

My point is that you can’t trust Goths because everything they say is a lie. They’re too mindless to get their made up reason straight, not recognizing the fact that an anti-group crowd is still a group, regardless of how retarded the members are.

Once a person has achieved the amount of attention they wanted by becoming Goth, they only thing they can do is maintain it by performing ridiculous acts. Basically anything that gets you negative attention will work when you’re a Goth, the most popular being dressing in all black all the time. Other methods include not ever showering, wearing heavy pants in the summer, listening to deafening music, and—in extreme cases—becoming a lesbian. There really isn’t anything radical and extreme you can do to become Super Goth because all Goths so the same thing, hence the social-grouping they’re so hypocritically against. If a Goth actually wanted to be against what all the other Goths were doing, he would wear rainbow overalls and sing I’ve Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts while picking dandelions in his backyard (also known as Andy Dick).

My brother, who was the main specimen in this study, has taken many of the usual steps to becoming Goth. Thankfully he still showers every night, but he has grown his hair out and dyed it black. He always dresses in black jeans, even in the midst of summer, and he wears the same clothes every day. I’m partial to think that this is due to his decaying brain tissue after watching the “I Love New York Marathon”, but inside I know it’s because he’s Goth. No matter the reason, he will not change or wash his clothes. He thinks that just because he showers he won’t smell like a litter box when he puts on his sweaty, crusty sweatshirt. And because I share a room with him, I will return from school to find my room smelling like an asshole.

Another huge thing Goths pretend to do is overdose on pills. I say “pretend” because the only people who OD on pills are heart-broken middle schoolers and rock stars. Most—normal—people stay far away from pills, but Goths worship them. They think that ODing on pills is the coolest thing anyone could ever do. This is not true because in Episode 43 of “Walker Texas Ranger”, I saw Chuck Norris actually punch a man so hard that all of the man’s immediate family died, and the majority of his other relatives were diagnosed with massive malignant tumors. I’m really not sure what makes overdosing so cool; maybe the fact that you’re willing to risk your life to get a high, or that you’ve finally found a use for an overstock of Tylenol. My brother told all his friends that our family got an overstock of prescription medicine and that he would get high whenever he wanted. This may be true, but it doesn’t disregard the fact that he dances in the shower to Kelly Clarkson.

But the most popular activity for Goths to do is to cut themselves. In a way, the amount a person cuts can determine how Goth they are, which, in turn, can show you how much attention they want. Sure, they might claim that the cuts release tension that is built up inside of them from their traumatic experience (forgetting their lunchbox on the school bus). Hell, they might even go as far as to say that each cut represents a horrible adversity they had to overcome (untied shoelace, pulpy orange juice, their CD skipping, etc.). My personal favorite is that “I cut myself just to see if I’m still alive” crap. But no matter what they tell you, the only real reasons Goths cut themselves is to show off their scars.

Depending on where you cut, there are many different ways to show off your grotesque scars. The most common place is the wrist, which is probably the best area to cut because it’s not like there are any major veins there. If you do slit your wrist, the thing to do is wear a sweat band for a few months until the scab goes away and you have a nice clean scar. During these months you will truly feel like an idiot when things like sweat, dust and fabric get into your wound and infect it. But when you’re all healed, you “forget” your sweat band and “accidentally” place your hand right in front of your friends face. Then when he confronts you about it, you make up some elaborate story about how you were in a bad mood so you got high and cut it with a sharpened fork while injecting ecstasy into your arm, where in reality you were doing it crying on your bathroom floor with a sock in your mouth to smother the pathetic screams of agony. Retard.

Once the word gets around school that you cut yourself and everyone thinks that you’re a psychotic loose cannon, you can sit back and enjoy the attention. However, you must make sure that your parents don’t find out you cut yourself, or your 15 minutes of fame could turn into 4 years of therapy, random drug tests, and a dick-head shrink.

Now that you know what causes people to become Goth and how to distinguish one, you can help me in my fight against them. With your help I can prevent Goths from actually making a name for themselves and keep them at the lowest point in society. How do we do it? Listen carefully.

WARNING: The following not only contains math, but also includes explicit notions of viciously murdering all Goths by throwing their limp bodies onto a massive bon fire and parading around it. Although I suppose all the toxic smoke from unwashed clothes would increase Global Warming.

On my street there are a total of three Goths. My brother, whose traumatic experience was a divorce two years ago; his friend, whose traumatic experience is being Puerto Rican, and his ex-girlfriend who is a poser. That is three Goths for every street. I figure there are roughly 50 million streets in America; each one having three Goths makes 150 million Goths worldwide. Subtract 40 million for margin of error (some places in America only have a population of 15 people, like, for example, Wyoming) leaves 110 million Goths in our country.

This number is devastating and should be dropped as soon as possible. And with half of all marriages ending in divorce, wannabe Goths are getting more legitimate reasons to turn Goth. So how do we prevent the increase of these Goths? We need to take drastic measures. North Dakota has already allowed the execution of Goths without trial, which is probably against four or five of our Constitutional rights, but it’s alright. Unfortunately we cannot do that here on the East Coast, so we have to do things on a smaller scale. That is why I propose right now that whenever you see a Goth, you punch him in the face and steal his bike. I have been using this approach for seven months now, and I feel that if we all work together we can scare Goths into extinction. And when they’re bleeding from the head and drifting in and out of consciousness, we strip them of their clothes and make them run naked on the freeway. Then, as a final scare tactic we give them white clothes.

I know it sounds extreme, but it’s a risk I am willing to take. I hope my studies have helped you realize your place in life, and have hopefully opened your eyes to the horror of Gothic bastards. I hope in time all of America will adopt North Dakota’s method of punishment, but until then we must fight alone. So gather up your bats, sharpen your swords, and turn on your washing machine. Goths are going down.