Category Archives: Something

I Have Found My Calling

I belong.  In life everyone feels like they need to belong to somewhere.  There is that lurking fear that you will live your life on a day-to-day routine, floating aimlessly like lost luggage on the large sea.  And when old people think about “their life,” they include that one time in their miserable existence when they realized that they were part of something amazing.

Well move over old people, because I have found my Oasis.  And to those of you why don’t understand WHY this is my Oasis and WHY knowing that there are people that feel the same way I do, then you don’t deserve to be reading the mindless horseshit I write.

This is for all you losers like me who miss the “good ol’ days.”

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090311192916AAnieP0

 

Do you know what that link is?  That link leads directly to a Yahoo Answers question regarding the one thing I have never forgotten: Nickelodeon’s Hey Arnold.  I loved the show.  I even brought it up in a past article, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it first.  That show was the SHIT.  It was literally the perfect portrayal of the lower middle class kids living in the city, having crummy lives and not destined for greatness; simply surrounded by their friends and past adventures.

 Even better was the creativity of the name character’s room.  Arnold’s room was amazing.  It was so unique and perfect that we wanted it.  We wanted to live in the crappy circumstances of Arnold’s P.S. 118 high school simply to have that room.  It had a pop-out couch, a bed you could climb up to the roof from, and a universal remote!  Even better, it could only accessed by a pull-down staircase!!  Arnold’s room made our bed, dresser, and desk lamp look like shit.

 Everyone remembers these things, but no one talks about them.  They just sit in the back of our mind, like a moldy cardboard box in your basement.  Arnold’s room used to be our DREAM! Our inspiration to become unique and make the best of things, now forgotten.

 Luckily, Yahoo Answers saved us.  I am a strong believer that Yahoo Answers was invented SOLEY as a way for Arnold Room Lovers to meet.  It was destiny.

And now we are.  I have a complete list of the people who share the inner most connection with me.  Me and these people don’t have the same favorite color, same birthday, or both LOVE Edward from Twilight OhMiGawd hez so0o0 dreemy lolmfao.  We share the similarity of being deeply affected by our youth.  We are living proof that at one point, Nickelodeon was beneficial.  At one point in its history, Nickelodeon inspired children, motivated them, and impacted their life.

And those people now wander around the world, living separate lives after being changed forever.  Until they are reunited.Hey Arnold Room

 I love you Hey Arnold Room Lovers.  I will be with you soon.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Something

Soulja Boy, Please Turn Your Swag Off

This is a post in which I am mixing together many of my insights over the past month. With all the crap about college, my teachers refusing to understand that I’m done with school, and me trying to compose some sort of short story/book to get published, I have not had time to sit down and write. That, on top of my parents forbidding me from posting anything inappropriate because “colleges look at my website,” delayed the release of my “Step By Step Guide To Naming Your Testicals,” which will be published soon. As for now, it’s 8 o’clock on a Sunday night, and I am finally ready to open your eyes.

First off, I hate Soulja Boy. Like, seriously. If I had a gun I would shoot him in the face with no remorse. His songs do nothing but pollute the radio and are the least original things in the history of music. Even his name is horrible. He claims his full stage name is “Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em,” which makes no sense. Why would anyone voluntarily complicate their name, turning it into a shitty command/sentence fragment? I don’t understand why he didn’t just stick with Soulja Boy. To make matters worse, he shouts out his name before every song he sings. Now, anyone who knows anything about show business knows that in order to succeed in the music industry, you must holler your pseudonym before anything you create. Lord knows I openly shout my stage name before everything I say.

Teacher: So if the base of the quadrilateral is 16, what is the circumference of the outer circle?
Me: BOONY! It seems that the circle’s diameter is 20, making the circumference roughly 62.8 inches
Teacher: That’s correct.
Me: SUPERMAN THAT HOE!

Which leads me to the song that made him famous, “Crank That”. The song is horrible. It doesn’t mention any real message or idea, and, even worse, Soulja wrote it when he was 17 years old. Now, this may not seem like a big deal to people who enjoy the idea of a young mind in an industry, but I think that once you realize what the true meaning of Supermaning a hoe is, you’ll be shocked about it being the chorus of the song.

As if things couldn’t get worse, Soulja ruined the dance floor with the dance that went along with the song. I grew up in a suburban white neighborhood, so any dance party in which that song came on would suddenly become a fight over who really knew the dance moves. Some people would use both legs, others would use one. Some people would switch, others would stay consistent. Regardless, the “Crank That” dance always resulted in people bumping into one another trying to dance like a cripple.

I think it’s just his voice. I hate his whiny, high-pitched, gangster-slurred voice. He hardly rhymes, he has no regard for syllables, and he doesn’t even keep the beat. He sounds like an 8-year-old. His song “Turn My Swag On” makes me want to crash my car. Okay, enough about him, I’m getting angry.

This next piece is a good note, and mainly a notification to the kids of my generation who have given up on MTV. A few years ago, MTV introduced the world to “Reality TV,” which resembled less of real life and more of producers shitting show ideas out their ass onto a crowd of camera whores. It resulted in crappy shows like Laguna Beach, The Hills, The City, Life Of Cryin’ Ryan, and any idea that involved attractive people they could drag a camera behind. And, as is typical with MTV, this paved the way for every radio station to “follow around” a D-List celebrity as they “lived their life.”

As a result, one of my favorite stations, Vh1 became a cesspool of brain-rotting productions that were as entertaining as shitting out an Xbox controller. I already wrote a post about how this shit has spread like cancer, but it’s gotten much worse. Suddenly, New York from the original Flavor Of Love (remember that show?) is having her own show where she does jobs people suggest. Who does she think she is, Mike Rowe?

Anyway, my point is that MTV has redeemed itself. It realized that no one wanted to see if Rachel and Jessica were going to ever talk to each other after Steve hooked up with Jessica on Rachel’s birthday; and instead, understood that the teenagers who watch MTV want one thing: mindless awesomeness.

Because of this, they started shows like “Nitro Circus” and “Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory,” two shows where people with too much money waste it to live out our dreams. In Nitro Circus they crash cars and do insane stunts that everyone wants to do, and in “Fantasy Factory” Rob Dyrdek, a professional skateboarder, throws down thousands of bills an episode to further push the limit. In both shows they set world records, but not pussy world records like “oldest woman ever” or “most traffic cones collected.” Hell no, these guys break records like “most backflips done on a motorcycle in 30 seconds,” “longest distance jumped on a lawn mower,” and “worlds biggest skateboard.”

These two shows are only the captains on a brilliant team of new shows that have gone back to the original basis of television: to let people watch things they will never be able to do. I will never own a massive warehouse with a giant foam pit, zip-line, or tennis ball gun. I would, however, like to watch someone else own those things.

My last thing is that Fmylife.com needs to stop. It was funny when people started writing FML on their away messages or Facebook statuses, and it was cute when a website with funny anecdotes was made for us to read daily to feel better about our lives, but when the shit becomes an Iphone App and every single fucking girl in the whole world is reading it and submitting their shitty breakup stories on it, it has become enough. Fmylife.com is proof that even as females age, they still become obsessed with trivial nothings instead of actually trying to do something useful like, for example, not be an idiot.

I had a bunch of other things to write about, and I know this wasn’t that funny or insightful, but I’m getting carpel tunnel from all the writing I’ve been doing in my Creative Writing class. My next entry will be the 15 page “short story” my teacher made me write in less than a week. I’m about to superman that hoe.

3 Comments

Filed under Something

What I Think Of Joe Biden

Many people have made a huge fuss over Barack Obama becoming the president of the World.  There have been dozens of comedy articles written about him and how he messed up the oath, how he intends to put spinning rims on the Motorcade, and how Air Force One will soon look like a scene from Soul Plane.  I’m not political so I don’t bother making jokes about the economy.  I am, however, unbelievably good at making fun of people.  And that is why I want to take time to make my own personal jokes about Obama, but focus more on his aging great grandfather, Joe Biden.

 

For one, why did Aretha Franklin sing during the inauguration?  Aretha died out in the early 70s after her song was sung by every disrespected housewife in America.  Is she really the only strong singer willing to honor the inauguration of Obama? What, was Beyonce at Monster Jamn?

Aretha Franklin

Aretha Franklin

 

And I realize that Aretha sang partly because she was black and the entire ceremony had to reflect that black people were into power, but seriously, did we have to use a time machine to find a little bit of black vocal talent?  Are there no other strong black women?  Jordan Sparks?  Jennifer Hudson? Martin Lawrence as Big Momma?

 

Another thing that concerned me was that even though over 100 million Americans watched the inauguration, there wasn’t a statistic as to how many of them watched it in hopes of an Obama assassination.  I know that nearly everyone I talked to vocalized a concern of this man being taken out during the ceremony.  But I think people were less worried about how an assassination would end a man’s life, and more nervous about the massive race riots that would ensue after.

 

Secondly, there are only two things we need to know that have happened since Obama became president:

 

  1. They put a tax on candy
  2. They put a tax on candy

 

What kind of heartless, selfish, child-hating man would allow people to tax the most delicious thing in the whole world?  Candy is what people go to in order to forget that the economy sucks, not something they need to remind them.  What’s next?  Are they going to tax babies, winter, and any movie with Cuba Gooding Jr.?

 

President Barack Obama, TKOing Princess Lolly

President Barack Obama, TKOing Princess Lolly

 

There’s a reason you don’t tax candy.  Candy is delicious.  You tax things like liver and spinach.  If there was a tax on candy.  Charlie wouldn’t have been able to buy that last Wonka Bar, and he would have never been invited to the Wonka Factory.  Think of it that way, you dream-ruining tyrant.

 

I’ll tell you one thing, Mr. President, if shit like this continues to happen, you will get some serious letters of concern from 10-year-old boys.

 

But enough about Obama, let’s get to the real winner of this election.  Obama’s wingman; his Bromance; his brotha-from-anotha-motha.  Joe Biden—or, as my friend J-Bing calls him: Joey “Masta Flex” B

 

Joe Biden is a man of few words.  During the vice presidential debate he spent more time laughing at how cute Palin’s accent was than he did talking.  He didn’t need to talk, he had already won.  It was the first time in American History that an old, wrinkly, white man had the black vote.

 

One thing I would like everyone to notice about Joe Biden is that is always looks like he’s trying to read something very far away.  A constant squint can be intimidating to most, but when it becomes part of your normal appearance people begin to wonder.  I can only properly compare his eyes to those of Brock from the Pokemon series.

 

what-i-think-of-joe-biden-brock

 

If nothing else, Joey B can be described as a glory hunter.  He’s like a Yankee fan: he wants to get all the glory of winning, but doesn’t want to have to worry about losing.  He jumped right on the Black-Vote-Bandwagon when given the opportunity, and he basically walked into the white house.

 

However, despite the hostility towards both Obama and Joe Biden the media will always have, they are a welcoming change to the boring America George and Dick left us with.  It is a time for American to say goodbye to the domineering country focused upon iron-fisted defense and selfish wars and welcome a chuckling black man to the spot.  He’s loveable, he’s friendly, and he’s got the whole world behind him.  Oh yeah, and a smoking hot wife.

Let me see your O(bama) Face

Let me see your O(bama) Face

2 Comments

Filed under Something

Sex and Whipped Cream

This is a quote some lady said to me at work after I asked her if she wanted whipped cream on her hot chocolate:

“Hot chocolate without whipped cream is like sex without an orgasm.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Something

Five Songs Saved By Last Minute Appearances

It is a sad thing to admit that most of America has folded to the pressure of rap. In a recent poll, it was shown that over half of Americans listen to rap music. The other half listens to Fallout Boy.

But with today’s music buckling to 26” Rims and chronic-smoking thugs, many artists are trying to make a name for themselves by cranking out half-assed tunes without any sense or meaning. And as a result, they pollute the radio with nonsense lines about looking sexy. The only thing that saves them is a last-verse rap by an already notorious rapper, who is basically the maid of the song. He comes in, cleans up the mess the previous verses left, and then leaves without any other words.

For you today I have listed five of these horrific songs and the heroes that saved them from humiliation.

1) Don’t Cha

Ruined by: The Pussy Cat Dolls
Save by: Busta Rhymes

The Song: “Don’t Cha” is a song about slutty girls being slutty sluts. It’s sung by the Pussycat Dolls, or PCD, but they less “sing” it and more “dance to it” while one of the members sings. It talks about how they’re all so hot that they make girlfriend’s jealous and lure boyfriends into seduction.

The Artists: The Pussy Cat Dolls are a prime example as to how famous you can become solely off of looking like a whore. Out of the six members, I haven’t heard four of them talk. Hell, I’m convinced one of them is mute and they only keep her around for pictures. They’re less of a girl band and more of a church choir where one whorish preacher’s words are echoed by a whorish choir. All their songs are based on how much they love sex, men, and sex with men.

The Worst Line:
“Let’s keep it friendly/ you have to play fair
See, I don’t care/ but I know she ain’t gunna want to share”

This line implies that the Pussycat Dolls—a talented, sophisticated group of young women—would be completely satisfied with sharing a man, but the only problem is his cock-blocking girlfriend. Apparently you spell “home-wrecker”: P-C-D.

The Save: In the beginning of the song you hear Busta introduce himself as a guy who “makes the place sizzle like a summertime cookout,” and you know that he has arrived as the caped super hero to save this horrible song from danger. After a quick fluster of rhymes (flusta rhymes?) he has convinced you that you might, possibly, be able to sit through the atrocity of verses the PCD puts you through. And that’s when he hits you with a massive spew of lyrics that makes you so light headed you need to sit down. By the end of his verse, you feel like you might pass out, but you still can’t stop smiling.

Best Line:
“Lookin’ at me all like she really wanna do it/
Tryn’a put it on me till my balls black and blueish”

I believe Busta just hinted that he has once banged a girl so hard that it actually bruised his potato sack. Not only that, but he would gladly do it again with any member of PCD. Too bad he has a girlfriend.

2) Oh

Ruined by: Ciara
Saved by: Ludacris

The Song: This whole song seems to be about the 15th letter of the alphabet. Verbally it doesn’t make any sense, and the verses are just a bunch of gangster references joined by “Ohhhh” as the chorus.

The Artists: When I was younger, there was rumor that Ciara was born a man and got a sex change into a smoking hot chick. This was later proven when she released the song “Like A Boy” and dressed in gangster clothing. So far, none of her songs have been about anything influential. However, she will be pleased to know that her song “My Goodies” continues to make 6th grade girls dance like strippers while stuffing their bras.

The Worst Line:
“Buddy take a new whip, paint strip, into a bowlin’ ball/
Still smoke hundred spokes, wood-grain armor-all”

What? This is either about driving your new, wood-paneled car into a bowling lane, or smoking wood while wearing a suit or armor.

The Save: It seems that right as you are about to turn this song off and move to Pennsylvania to become Amish in an attempt to never hear this song again, your ears hear a familiar voice. Is it? Yes it is! It’s Ludacris, the most Southern Rapper alive. And in a matter of seconds this crappy song about nothing has become a way for Ludacris to crap all over the radio. By the time he has finished, you’re thinking, “Ciara? Ciara who?”

The Best Line:
“Trunk-rattling what’s happening, huh?/I don’t even think I need to speed
Bass-traveling, face crackling, huh?/Turn it up and make the speakers bleed.”

Did you hear that? His song is so deadly that if you turn the volume up too high the speakers will start bleeding, forcing DJs everywhere to carry a box of band-aids.

3) Make It Rain (Remix)

Ruined by: Fat Joe, R. Kelly, T.I., Birdman, Ace Mack, and Rick Ross
Saved by: Lil Wayne

The Song: For those of you who don’t know, “Making it rain” is gangster talk for throwing down dollar bills to express your extravagant lifestyle, but has grown to symbolize a rapper’s poor financial choices in what he does with his money. Fat Joe, the originator of the song, is one of my least favorite rappers for a few reasons:

1) He has, for some reason unbeknownst to me, been allowed to say “The N Word” despite the fact that he is white.
2) His song “Lean Back” polluted my middle school days with a horrific dance that hurt my back, thighs, and hears all at the same time. Also, the irony of the song was that Fat Joe was unable to “lean back” because, during the time the song was produced, he weighed 7,800 pounds.

The Artists: In order to familiarize those of you who don’t know the artists featured in this Fat Joe remix, my brother and I played a word game where I would say the name of the rappers in the song, and he would say the first word that came to mind. The results seem to truly reflect the reasons these rappers are so notorious:

R. Kelly—“Rape”
T.I.—“Gun Charges”
Birdman—“The super hero?”
Ace Mack—“Who?”
Rick Ross—“The Boss”

I’ve already done my articles making fun of R. Kelly, and I’m not even going to bother making fun of the rest of these guys because one of them will be in jail in a few days, and the others will be in jail soon enough.

The Worst Line: Every word that comes out of R. Kelly’s mouth:

“I’m from that city where them niggaz don’t play man/
I take a chick to my room like caveman”

And by “like caveman” you mean you’ll lure her close with meat; jump out; club it over the head; and drag her unconscious, limp body back to your room where you will skin, roast, and eat her?

The Save: Unfortunately, Lil Wayne’s rhymes come right after R. Kelly’s attempt at R&B has left your brain with the consistency and overall IQ of strawberry yogurt. This makes it difficult for you to understand what Wayne is saying because a) Lil Wayne is incoherent in general, and b) your ear drums are still trying to stab themselves to death to avoid another off-tone word from R. Kelly. Luckily, your brain kicks back into function just in time to hear Wayne execute your sense of cognitive judgment and leave you actually contemplating murder just because it will make you half as badass as him.

The Best Line:
“The weather channel, but I do not broadcast
I throw up more cash, and change the forecast”

Just think about it. Read it again and think about it. Then, wait for your balls to drop.

4) Renegade

Ruined by: Jay-Z
Saved by: Eminem

The Song: According to Dictionary.com, a renegade is “a person who deserts a party or cause for another” and is synonymous with being a betrayer. So it only seems appropriate that two artists concerned very strongly with public relations and fan base would make a song about being a traitor hated by everyone. Of course, we all know that by “renegade” these men mean that they are outlaws and rebels, proven by Jay-Z’s public refusal to produce good music. [swingandamiss]

The Artist: I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that “renegade” is the biggest word in Jay-Z’s vocabulary, and he probably only understood it after his producer broke it for him. I don’t really like Jay-Z because he hasn’t seemed to evolve with the fast-lyrics that has embraced modern day rap. Now, I don’t know much about rap, but I think Jay-Z looks even worse when partnered with Eminem, an artist titled “Best Rapper Alive” by Vibe Magazine. If anything, I’d say I just don’t like Jay-Z’s verses, but if someone can find a Jay-Z song that will change my mind, please feel free to keep it to yourself.

The Worst Line:
“No lie, just know I chose my own fate/
I drove by the fork in the road and went straight”

Is this how Jay-Z demonstrates himself as a renegade? By disobeying traffic laws? What’s he going to do next, not yield when entering a roundabout? BADASS!! He also exhibited a serious lack of creativity by plagiarizing the Yogi Berra quote, “when you come to a fork in the road, take it.” Yogi’s quote is funny, Jay-Z’s quote is the least gangster thing anyone has ever said.

The Save: Enter Eminem, aka Marshall Mathers, aka Slim Shady. Personally, I think Eminem is one of the best rappers ever. His songs have provoked much controversy in the America, yet he has stayed strong and refused to back down. If anything, he showed people that you can be an electrifying entertainer despite your skin color—a lesson later disproved by Fat Joe.

In this song, Eminem completely disregards Jay-Z’s metaphorical attempts at being an outlaw and straight up admits to displeasing every person he talks to. In this song he brings up guns, drugs, parenting issues, religious views, and the fact that every parent in America hates him. The best part? He brags about it the entire time.

The Best Line: There are two, one after the other (kinda)

“But I’m debated disputed hated and viewed in America/
as a mother fuckin’ drug addict—like you didn’t experiment?
. . .
And I got nothin’ to do but make you look stupid as parents
You fuckin’ do-gooders – too bad you couldn’t do good at marriage!”

In these four lines alone, Eminem just took every issue parents have wrong with modern day hip-hop and flipped it back onto their flawed family. He even took it a step further, blatantly “renegading” against proper sentence structure while saying that “do-gooders” don’t “do good” at staying married. Fuck you, grammar!

5) Pocketbook

Ruined by: Jennifer Hudson
Saved by: Ludacris

The Song: Historically the only song to be made about a purse, this song starts off with a gangster-ass beat that actually gets your foot thumping. It is roughly eight seconds in when you hear Jennifer Hudson say “Don’t make me hit you with my pocketbook,” that you roll your eyes to another female-empowering shitfest of strong black women.

The Artist: I can’t trash Jennifer Hudson because I have a heart. Thankfully, Paul Frank doesn’t.

The Worst Line:
“Rockin’ all your hot shit, stuntin’
Thinking that your God’s gift, to woman
More like a buzz in my ear
Shoo fly don’t bother me”

This lyric is something straight out of Aretha Franklin’s journal. Jennifer just demanded R-E-S-P-E-C-T and if you don’t give it to her she will hit your ass with a fly-swatter. Or, in this case, a pocketbook.

The Save: If this song was a patient going into cardiac arrest, Ludacris is the medical paddles shocking it back to life. In the hip-hop world he is the priest of bad songs; exorcizing the demons from the possessed lyrics so that the songs can live happy, normal lives. In this song, Ludacris takes this women’s rights song and forces it to cook him dinner. He is like a womanizing philanderer thrown into a feminists meeting, shitting all over the women’s ideas and crashing down the respect they’ve worked so hard for. Because of that, it is the single greatest appearance on a song ever.

The Best Line:
“It’s Chris Mind Freak in the back of a Rolls
I know magic; poof, and do away with ya clothes”

It’s as if Luda is just flaunting his lyrical poetry as he manages to make Chris Angel—the make-up-wearing con artist who sucks dick between fake tricks—a little bit less of a loser than he is. Ludacris just goes right up to Chris Angel and goes “you know how you make elephants disappear? Well I do that to women’s clothing. And then I fuck her.”

2 Comments

Filed under Something

Are You Gunna Eat That?

Are you gunna eat that?  That brownie there, on the ground.  So?  Who cares if it’s been on the floor?  Five Second Rule.  So what is it’s there for days; germs can’t count seconds.  Here, I’ll even brush it off.  If you blow on it all the germs go away.  Yeah they do! I saw it on Mythbusters.

 

Are you sure you don’t want a piece?  Look, it even has chocolate chips in it.  Oh no wait that’s gravel.  Whatever, it’s still good.  You just have to pick off the hair.  Wow look at this huge hair!  Nevermind, that’s a worm.  See, the brownie must taste good, a worm is eating it and worms only eat dirt.

 

You’re lucky I even have this brownie.  I saw that guy looking at it like he was going to eat it.  I had to scare him off by waving my hands and screaming.  Oh really?  That guy was a hobo?  I just thought he had a bad sense of fashion.  He was what?  No he wasn’t! I just thought he kept hotdogs hanging out of his pants!  Now I feel bad, do you think he still wants this brownie?

 

You haven’t even tried it! You don’t know if you like it unless you try.  Remember when we were at my grandmother’s house and she served tuna casserole and you didn’t think you would like it, but then you tried it and you liked it?  Oh, you didn’t?  My grandmother’s dead?  Since when?  Oh shoot, remind me to call my dad.

 

Just take a bite.  It’s good once you swipe all the sludge off.  Please?  Open up the hangar, here comes the airplane!  Okay congratulations Bin Laden, this airplane just crashed and 24 people died.  Now you’re a murderer and rude.

 

Wow, that’s real mature.  I’m just trying to act cute and feed you a piece of brownie and you knock it out of my hand.  Pick it up.  Ew no I’m not going to eat it, it’s on the ground!

Leave a comment

Filed under Comedy, Something

How To Bullshit A High School Essay

When it comes to high school, there are many things students look forward to: more freedom, more friends, and more parties. But what we think is going to be all fun and games is less about friendships and more about grade-deciding projects. Indeed, high school is very much filled with major essays and late night projects as it is under-aged drinking and teen pregnancy. So when you’ve stayed out late at that kegger with Bobby and you realize you have a six page midterm paper due the next day, what are you going to do?
Answer: Bullshit your essay.

So many times I have seen kids try their best on an essay; staying up all night and slaving away at their computer in order to make up their own book themes or original ideas. These kids are what we call heroes. And for those of us that have a social life and don’t want to spend 35 minutes searching for an underlying theme in Huckleberry Finn, we need to find a way to crank out a six page paper without actually, necessarily, working. So for those of you who hate typing and despise research, I give you my four easy tips to bullshitting an essay.


Tip #1: Never try to be creative/original.

The book Huckleberry Finn was published in 1884. That means that for over 120 years people have been analyzing and studying it; creating hundreds of thousands of themes and symbols. Use one. There is no use in trying to think up your own theme or un-thought-of symbol, because some hero probably thought of the same thing in 1930. Please, for the sake of saving yourself time and effort, use someone else’s theme. There are hundreds of them.Where do you find underlying themes and symbols already laid out and explained to you? Sparknotes.com. I have been using Sparknotes for years now, and it has never failed me yet. The website has all the major pieces of reading you will ever be assigned in school, and has a quick summary, analysis of each chapter, important quotes, themes, symbols, and character list; everything essential to writing a piece of paper without actually reading it.How do you utilize these tools without straight-up plagiarizing? In high school, it is less about not plagiarizing and more about not getting caught plagiarizing. And in order to not get caught, you have to know how teachers check for plagiarizing.

When a teacher thinks the work you handed in isn’t yours, they check it online. A teacher’s suspicious could be raised by vocabulary you don’t normally use, voice that doesn’t sound like yours, or the fact that you left the citation numbers from when you copy-and-pasted from Wikipedia. If a teacher’s red flag is raised, they will copy the distrustful sentence and paste it into Google. When a website about Malcom X comes up that reads the same verbatim as your Malcom X essay, you fail for being an idiot. To prevent triggering a teacher’s disbelief of an essay being yours, you want to paraphrase and reword whatever you are copying. Sticking with the Huck Finn book example, let’s see how you could re-word Sparknotes into your own bullshitted words.

Real Sparknote Text:
“Although Twain wrote the novel after slavery was abolished, he set it several decades earlier, when slavery was still a fact of life. But even by Twain’s time, things had not necessarily gotten much better for blacks in the South. In this light, we might read Twain’s depiction of slavery as an allegorical representation of the condition of blacks in the United States even after the abolition of slavery.”

Your Words:
“The book Huck Finn takes place when slavery was still legal, even though Mark Twain wrote it after the abolition of slavery. It was during these times that blacks still faced segregation. In writing the book, Twain seemed to depict slavery as a figurative illustration of how African-Americans suffered in America even after slavery ended.”

As you can see, the changed text below portrays the same message, only with different wording. I changed “allegorical representation” to “figurative illustration”; “blacks” to “African-Americans”; and even “the United States” to “America.” It was these simple changes that made the writing mine, and even though it—technically—still counts as plagiarizing, no one will ever find out.

Using someone else’s ideas isn’t cheating. There is recorded evidence that Martin Luther King Jr. plagiarized many of his speeches, and he led thousands to civil rights. What if teachers had checked his work on Google? Black people would still be sitting on the back of the bus.

Tip #2 Use Wikipedia as a bounce-off point.

Here’s a question: When someone asks you to do a report on John F Kennedy, where’s the first place you look? If you’re in high school your answer is most likely Wikipedia. The only problem is that all teachers forbid Wikipedia on the claim that any “Joe Somebody” can go onto it and edit the information on it. This is false on two accounts.

1. The information put on Wikipedia is analyzed by dozens of editors who check sources, follow up information, and generally prevent anything funny.
2. No dick-faced meathead would go on Wikipedia and put false information just for shits and giggles

John F. Kennedy was a closer for the San Diego Padres MWAHAHAHA

"'John F. Kennedy was a closer for the San Diego Padres' MWAHAHAHA"

But it is because teachers don’t allow Wikipedia that it becomes such a reliable source. What Wikipedia is, in itself, is a pre-written essay, complete with cited sources, pictures, and interesting facts. All you have to do is piece together the sentences, reword them, and put your name at the top. Here’s how:

When writing an essay that needs cited sources, it is always difficult to find out what needs to be sourced and what doesn’t. Even worse, your teachers define things that need citing as “stuff people wouldn’t already know.” By this definition, we should have to cite our person’s birth date, place of birth, and how to spell our last name. I remember one of my friends had to make a childhood story book for his psych class based off of his memories and he was marked down for not citing his sources. What would he cite? His mind?

Luckily, whenever Wikipedia writes a sentence that needs sourcing, they do it for you, leaving no room for doubt. Also, they send you a link directly to the website/book/magazine they got it from. So all you have to do is click on the link, get the title of the book, or visit the website they looked at, and you can now cite the proper source. And if you’re citing a source, it’s not plagiarizing, right? You’re not copying Wikipedia, you’re using them as a bounce-off point to the real information.

Tip #3: Change your periods to size 14 font

I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself, “what the hell? Why would I want to do that? That’s not going to do anything.” This, my narrow-minded friend, is where you’re wrong.

First off, let me give you some small advice. When writing your essay, always write it single-spaced first, and then right before you finish double-space it. In high school, most essays are accepted double-spaced (some teachers even encourage it), which makes students immediately double space their work. This is a grave mistake, because it makes the essay seem much longer, whereas single-spacing your essay makes it seem like you’re writing half the pages. For example, if your teacher says you should write a six page paper, write a three page paper single-spaced, and then double-space it. I know that there’s really no difference, but the psychological aspect of it is much less demanding.

Next, if you feel that your essay is still too short, change the periods to 14 size font. All teachers have to same guidelines to prevent you from finding a loophole: “Size 14 Times New Roman font with one inch margins.” However, they never said how big the PERIODS have to be, and a size 14 period is the same size as a size 12 period, it only makes the spacing between the lines bigger.

How do you change only the size of the periods without tediously going through your entire paper? Pay attention. (This is for people using Microsoft Word, I don’t know what else there is)

After you’ve finished typing your essay, hit Ctrl+F, which is the “Find” key.

Next, hit the “Replace” tab

On the “Find what” type a period, and on the “Replace with” type another period. Then, hit the “More” button, and the “Format.” Scroll up to “Font”

On the far right there is a “Size” option. Scroll down to size 14 font, select it, and click OK. You should then it replacing normal periods with periods with size 14 periods.

Click “Replace All” and watch as your essay grows. This trick also works for commas, but I’ve always done it to periods.

WARNING: When you do this, make sure you do not email it to your teacher to print out. You’ll see that if you highlight a paragraph of your essay after changing period sizes, it does not give a font size on the upper bar, which could make some teacher’s curious. Print the essay and hand the hard copy in, just to be safe.

Tip #4 Unknown book? Make up quotations.

This year in my Race & Identity class, my teacher made me do a book report on Tony Hawk’s autobiography. Not only was I shocked that Tony Hawk knows how to write, but I felt disrespected that I was told to read a primitive book written at the fifth grade level. The book has 14 size font, pictures on every other page, and I remember my friend reading it in 7th grade. I’m a senior in high school; I should be (pretending) to read refined books.

Because my teacher assigned such a pathetic book, I didn’t read it. So when it came time for me to write my autobiography, I did all of the above steps. Unfortunately, Sparknotes doesn’t have a book quite as sophisticated as HAWK: Occupation: Skateboarder, so I went to Wikipedia. Using Wikipedia as a bounce off point, I was brought to this website, where I read the entire biography. Figuring that a biography must be similar to an autobiography, I copied the whole thing into my essay, but I reworded it to prevent getting caught plagiarizing:

The Website’s Words:
“. . . His career sport was losing popularity, and a worried Hawk considered getting a regular nine-to-five job, possibly in computers, since he was a self-proclaimed techno geek. “I did demos where I could count the spectators on two hands,” he recalled to Tim Layden of Sports Illustrated.

Instead, Hawk decided to throw himself into a new business venture. In 1990 he and fellow skateboarder Per Welinder launched Birdhouse Projects, a company to manufacture skateboards and skate accessories. In 1992 Birdhouse was followed by Blitz, which distributed other skateboard brands. Hawk mortgaged and eventually sold his home in order to finance his businesses. The rocky start-up proved to be too much of a strain on his family, however, and Tony and Cindy divorced. But just when it seemed that things could not get any worse, skateboarding once again came to the rescue.”

My Words:
“Hawk said that he was worried the waning popularity of skateboarding would cost him is job, and reported even applying for a 9-to-5 job as a computer technician. But instead, he and Per Welinder, a fellow skateboarder, launched Birdhouse Projects. It was a manufacturing company of skateboards and skateboard brands. To finance his business, Hawk mortgaged his house. The strain of the difficult beginning became too much for his wife, and he and Cindy divorced in 1993. However, right when things looked grim for Tony, skateboarding saved his life once again.”

Aside from painfully-rewording the entire biography of Tony Hawk, my teacher also demanded that I quote his autobiography to prove the points that I needed. For those of you who don’t know, quoting a book is very difficult if you’ve never read it before. But, I also figured that my teacher hadn’t read such a pointless book either, and that she would be too busy correcting the other 25 essays to check my citations. As a result, I had mindless quotes to prove the perfect themes of my essay:

“Vert skaters, what Hawk is considered, are thought of in the skating world as boarders who sold out and preferred fame over personal expression. As Hawk stated in his book, “According to street skaters, vert skating is to skateboarding what flag football is to the NFL; all the fun without the cuts, scraps, or bruises.””

Believe it or not, Tony Hawk never compared vert skating to flag football. But in my edition of HAWK: Occupation: Skateboarder, he did. And, I “forgot” to include a page number, so unless my teacher wants to flip through the entire book, she’s going to have trouble disproving me.

If you are forced to do a book report on a book that your teacher has never or will never read, it is much better to make up fake quotes than scramble through endless text searching for one. However, most English teachers have read hundreds of books, so be forewarned that they might be able to recall certain pieces of literature.

High school is a very difficult time for teenagers. Their bodies are still maturing, they are constantly involved in drama, and they need to get their life sorted out before “Jessica and I aren’t BFFL’s anymore!” And during this time of confusion and disorder, they don’t need to be worried by futile midterm papers of essays. That is why I give you people the gift of bullshitting. Because I know that high school is about much more important things like, for example, teenage pregnancy.

18 Comments

Filed under Something