It is a sad thing to admit that most of America has folded to the pressure of rap. In a recent poll, it was shown that over half of Americans listen to rap music. The other half listens to Fallout Boy.
But with today’s music buckling to 26” Rims and chronic-smoking thugs, many artists are trying to make a name for themselves by cranking out half-assed tunes without any sense or meaning. And as a result, they pollute the radio with nonsense lines about looking sexy. The only thing that saves them is a last-verse rap by an already notorious rapper, who is basically the maid of the song. He comes in, cleans up the mess the previous verses left, and then leaves without any other words.
For you today I have listed five of these horrific songs and the heroes that saved them from humiliation.
1) Don’t Cha
Ruined by: The Pussy Cat Dolls
Save by: Busta Rhymes
The Song: “Don’t Cha” is a song about slutty girls being slutty sluts. It’s sung by the Pussycat Dolls, or PCD, but they less “sing” it and more “dance to it” while one of the members sings. It talks about how they’re all so hot that they make girlfriend’s jealous and lure boyfriends into seduction.
The Artists: The Pussy Cat Dolls are a prime example as to how famous you can become solely off of looking like a whore. Out of the six members, I haven’t heard four of them talk. Hell, I’m convinced one of them is mute and they only keep her around for pictures. They’re less of a girl band and more of a church choir where one whorish preacher’s words are echoed by a whorish choir. All their songs are based on how much they love sex, men, and sex with men.
The Worst Line:
“Let’s keep it friendly/ you have to play fair
See, I don’t care/ but I know she ain’t gunna want to share”
This line implies that the Pussycat Dolls—a talented, sophisticated group of young women—would be completely satisfied with sharing a man, but the only problem is his cock-blocking girlfriend. Apparently you spell “home-wrecker”: P-C-D.
The Save: In the beginning of the song you hear Busta introduce himself as a guy who “makes the place sizzle like a summertime cookout,” and you know that he has arrived as the caped super hero to save this horrible song from danger. After a quick fluster of rhymes (flusta rhymes?) he has convinced you that you might, possibly, be able to sit through the atrocity of verses the PCD puts you through. And that’s when he hits you with a massive spew of lyrics that makes you so light headed you need to sit down. By the end of his verse, you feel like you might pass out, but you still can’t stop smiling.
“Lookin’ at me all like she really wanna do it/
Tryn’a put it on me till my balls black and blueish”
I believe Busta just hinted that he has once banged a girl so hard that it actually bruised his potato sack. Not only that, but he would gladly do it again with any member of PCD. Too bad he has a girlfriend.
Ruined by: Ciara
Saved by: Ludacris
The Song: This whole song seems to be about the 15th letter of the alphabet. Verbally it doesn’t make any sense, and the verses are just a bunch of gangster references joined by “Ohhhh” as the chorus.
The Artists: When I was younger, there was rumor that Ciara was born a man and got a sex change into a smoking hot chick. This was later proven when she released the song “Like A Boy” and dressed in gangster clothing. So far, none of her songs have been about anything influential. However, she will be pleased to know that her song “My Goodies” continues to make 6th grade girls dance like strippers while stuffing their bras.
The Worst Line:
“Buddy take a new whip, paint strip, into a bowlin’ ball/
Still smoke hundred spokes, wood-grain armor-all”
What? This is either about driving your new, wood-paneled car into a bowling lane, or smoking wood while wearing a suit or armor.
The Save: It seems that right as you are about to turn this song off and move to Pennsylvania to become Amish in an attempt to never hear this song again, your ears hear a familiar voice. Is it? Yes it is! It’s Ludacris, the most Southern Rapper alive. And in a matter of seconds this crappy song about nothing has become a way for Ludacris to crap all over the radio. By the time he has finished, you’re thinking, “Ciara? Ciara who?”
The Best Line:
“Trunk-rattling what’s happening, huh?/I don’t even think I need to speed
Bass-traveling, face crackling, huh?/Turn it up and make the speakers bleed.”
Did you hear that? His song is so deadly that if you turn the volume up too high the speakers will start bleeding, forcing DJs everywhere to carry a box of band-aids.
3) Make It Rain (Remix)
Ruined by: Fat Joe, R. Kelly, T.I., Birdman, Ace Mack, and Rick Ross
Saved by: Lil Wayne
The Song: For those of you who don’t know, “Making it rain” is gangster talk for throwing down dollar bills to express your extravagant lifestyle, but has grown to symbolize a rapper’s poor financial choices in what he does with his money. Fat Joe, the originator of the song, is one of my least favorite rappers for a few reasons:
1) He has, for some reason unbeknownst to me, been allowed to say “The N Word” despite the fact that he is white.
2) His song “Lean Back” polluted my middle school days with a horrific dance that hurt my back, thighs, and hears all at the same time. Also, the irony of the song was that Fat Joe was unable to “lean back” because, during the time the song was produced, he weighed 7,800 pounds.
The Artists: In order to familiarize those of you who don’t know the artists featured in this Fat Joe remix, my brother and I played a word game where I would say the name of the rappers in the song, and he would say the first word that came to mind. The results seem to truly reflect the reasons these rappers are so notorious:
Birdman—“The super hero?”
Rick Ross—“The Boss”
I’ve already done my articles making fun of R. Kelly, and I’m not even going to bother making fun of the rest of these guys because one of them will be in jail in a few days, and the others will be in jail soon enough.
The Worst Line: Every word that comes out of R. Kelly’s mouth:
“I’m from that city where them niggaz don’t play man/
I take a chick to my room like caveman”
And by “like caveman” you mean you’ll lure her close with meat; jump out; club it over the head; and drag her unconscious, limp body back to your room where you will skin, roast, and eat her?
The Save: Unfortunately, Lil Wayne’s rhymes come right after R. Kelly’s attempt at R&B has left your brain with the consistency and overall IQ of strawberry yogurt. This makes it difficult for you to understand what Wayne is saying because a) Lil Wayne is incoherent in general, and b) your ear drums are still trying to stab themselves to death to avoid another off-tone word from R. Kelly. Luckily, your brain kicks back into function just in time to hear Wayne execute your sense of cognitive judgment and leave you actually contemplating murder just because it will make you half as badass as him.
The Best Line:
“The weather channel, but I do not broadcast
I throw up more cash, and change the forecast”
Just think about it. Read it again and think about it. Then, wait for your balls to drop.
Ruined by: Jay-Z
Saved by: Eminem
The Song: According to Dictionary.com, a renegade is “a person who deserts a party or cause for another” and is synonymous with being a betrayer. So it only seems appropriate that two artists concerned very strongly with public relations and fan base would make a song about being a traitor hated by everyone. Of course, we all know that by “renegade” these men mean that they are outlaws and rebels, proven by Jay-Z’s public refusal to produce good music. [swingandamiss]
The Artist: I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that “renegade” is the biggest word in Jay-Z’s vocabulary, and he probably only understood it after his producer broke it for him. I don’t really like Jay-Z because he hasn’t seemed to evolve with the fast-lyrics that has embraced modern day rap. Now, I don’t know much about rap, but I think Jay-Z looks even worse when partnered with Eminem, an artist titled “Best Rapper Alive” by Vibe Magazine. If anything, I’d say I just don’t like Jay-Z’s verses, but if someone can find a Jay-Z song that will change my mind, please feel free to keep it to yourself.
The Worst Line:
“No lie, just know I chose my own fate/
I drove by the fork in the road and went straight”
Is this how Jay-Z demonstrates himself as a renegade? By disobeying traffic laws? What’s he going to do next, not yield when entering a roundabout? BADASS!! He also exhibited a serious lack of creativity by plagiarizing the Yogi Berra quote, “when you come to a fork in the road, take it.” Yogi’s quote is funny, Jay-Z’s quote is the least gangster thing anyone has ever said.
The Save: Enter Eminem, aka Marshall Mathers, aka Slim Shady. Personally, I think Eminem is one of the best rappers ever. His songs have provoked much controversy in the America, yet he has stayed strong and refused to back down. If anything, he showed people that you can be an electrifying entertainer despite your skin color—a lesson later disproved by Fat Joe.
In this song, Eminem completely disregards Jay-Z’s metaphorical attempts at being an outlaw and straight up admits to displeasing every person he talks to. In this song he brings up guns, drugs, parenting issues, religious views, and the fact that every parent in America hates him. The best part? He brags about it the entire time.
The Best Line: There are two, one after the other (kinda)
“But I’m debated disputed hated and viewed in America/
as a mother fuckin’ drug addict—like you didn’t experiment?
. . .
And I got nothin’ to do but make you look stupid as parents
You fuckin’ do-gooders – too bad you couldn’t do good at marriage!”
In these four lines alone, Eminem just took every issue parents have wrong with modern day hip-hop and flipped it back onto their flawed family. He even took it a step further, blatantly “renegading” against proper sentence structure while saying that “do-gooders” don’t “do good” at staying married. Fuck you, grammar!
Ruined by: Jennifer Hudson
Saved by: Ludacris
The Song: Historically the only song to be made about a purse, this song starts off with a gangster-ass beat that actually gets your foot thumping. It is roughly eight seconds in when you hear Jennifer Hudson say “Don’t make me hit you with my pocketbook,” that you roll your eyes to another female-empowering shitfest of strong black women.
The Artist: I can’t trash Jennifer Hudson because I have a heart. Thankfully, Paul Frank doesn’t.
The Worst Line:
“Rockin’ all your hot shit, stuntin’
Thinking that your God’s gift, to woman
More like a buzz in my ear
Shoo fly don’t bother me”
This lyric is something straight out of Aretha Franklin’s journal. Jennifer just demanded R-E-S-P-E-C-T and if you don’t give it to her she will hit your ass with a fly-swatter. Or, in this case, a pocketbook.
The Save: If this song was a patient going into cardiac arrest, Ludacris is the medical paddles shocking it back to life. In the hip-hop world he is the priest of bad songs; exorcizing the demons from the possessed lyrics so that the songs can live happy, normal lives. In this song, Ludacris takes this women’s rights song and forces it to cook him dinner. He is like a womanizing philanderer thrown into a feminists meeting, shitting all over the women’s ideas and crashing down the respect they’ve worked so hard for. Because of that, it is the single greatest appearance on a song ever.
The Best Line:
“It’s Chris Mind Freak in the back of a Rolls
I know magic; poof, and do away with ya clothes”
It’s as if Luda is just flaunting his lyrical poetry as he manages to make Chris Angel—the make-up-wearing con artist who sucks dick between fake tricks—a little bit less of a loser than he is. Ludacris just goes right up to Chris Angel and goes “you know how you make elephants disappear? Well I do that to women’s clothing. And then I fuck her.”