Category Archives: Joke

Britney Spears Found With White Powder Around Nose

Last Monday, pop star Britney Spears was seen entering a techno rave club with what appeared to be a white powder around her nose. At 3:00 in the morning the singer and her entourage slipped past the velvet rope and into the bar which was blaring rave music and flashing green strobe lights. Upon seeing the white powder surrounding Britney’s nose and face, gossip columnists have determined that Britney Spears had eaten a powdered donut.

“There’s really no other explanation,” says People Magazine editor Rebecca White. “Britney had most likely eaten a box of powdered donuts before she went out and partied.” Upon exiting the club at 7:00 in the morning, Spears was noted have more powder around her nose and lips, a fact researchers say can only point to powdered donuts being served in the club. “I’m relatively sure that Britney treated herself to a few desserts while partying,” stated Us Weekly photographer Christian Leary. “After all,” he added, “she was in a techno club, what else are they supposed to do while studying poetry and playing backgammon?”

Britney’s attorneys refuse to issue a statement, saying only that a star at Britney’s level would be foolish to divulge on such tempting sweets. Robert Briggs, Spear’s lawyer, stated Tuesday that “A celebrity like Britney is too smart to be eating pastries; she has a record to make. Those are the things amateurs mess around with, and truthfully, I think it would go straight to her thighs.”

In similar news, once-child-star Ashley Olson was seen at a local restaurant restroom vomiting after her meal. Reports have led investigators to believe that Ashley has frequently been vomiting after meals, a scary fact that could lead to only one explanation: Ashley Olson has the stomach bug.

Many people are scared that if Ashley’s poor health continues, she may begin to lose weight, grow firmer breasts, and gain an overall gorgeous figure. “These are things we want to prevent in our youth,” reported Dr. Ann Redster, “especially those who are so highly idolized by young teens.”

“She’s probably had it for a few months now,” said Tiffany Strea, a close friend of Ashley. “I’ve seen her puking after basically every major serving of food we’ve had.” No one knows how serious Ashley’s illness is, or even how she caught it.

“We just have to wait,” says Dr. Redster. “If symptoms grow worse, we will find Ashley some serious help, but the only thing we can do now is help her through this by holding her hair back.”

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In The Defense Of My Son . . .

Dear Superintendent Davidson,

I would like to personally apologize for my son’s actions that unfolded last Thursday. My wife and I agree that his exploits were out of line and we will personally make sure he suffers the severest of consequences. I would, however, like to defend Anthony in his deeds, because although they were unacceptable and offensive, I feel that the school did not properly handle the situation.

For the months leading up to the incident with Anthony, he had been ruthlessly bullied by Jacob. On multiple occasions Anthony approached me with problems concerning Jacob and it was only a matter of time before it slipped out of hand. The “Peer Mediation” offered at your school only adds to the humiliation of the trouble. Anthony came home from school one day with a black eye and fat lip, claiming that Jacob had beaten him up after a Peer Mediation meeting.

Also, I feel that the no-knives policy at the school is foolish and outdated. In a Britain-like society in which no one is allowed weapons (whether they are for hunting, working, or essential to one’s way of life), the one rebel with the knife has an overly offensive advantage over those who are forced to follow the rule. I would also like to add that although Anthony had four or five knives on him at the time of arrest, Jacob also had one.

Similarly, concerning the topic of weapons, I believe in the Constitution it states that American citizens own the “right to bear arms.” And since I’m yet to see a man with two hairy forearms and razor-sharp claws, I’m assuming that this right allows us to carry guns. So I don’t personally see what was such a big deal about Anthony having a pistol on him at the time of apprehension. He didn’t kill anyone, and with today’s surgical technology bullets can be detected and removed in minutes. If it makes the situation any better I will personally pay for the four broken windows, two replaced doors, and Ms. Widrow’s facial reconstruction.

Lastly, I feel that unless the penalties on my son are nullified, I will be forced to press charges against Officer Rodriguez. His actions seemed very unauthorized and unorthodox. I realize that when a blood-thirsty felon is carrying a deadly weapon officers are allowed to use any means necessary, but my son is neither a felon nor blood-thirsty. This is, of course, ignoring the part where Anthony drank some of Ms. Widrow’s blood and screamed “I’m a blood-thirst felon.” Officer Rodriguez made no attempt to talk Anthony down, nor did he seem to follow any of the safety protocol taught at the police academy. Also, Officer Rodriguez failed to realize that Jacob was wielding a knife and therefore was also a threat to people’s safety, regardless of his being the victim at gunpoint. Whether you want to point the blame on Officer Rodriguez or the New York police academy, I would still like to make my discontent clear.

Once again, I apologize for my son Anthony’s actions last Thursday, and hope that he will be able to join the education system once again next year without any further problems.

Sincerely, Ronald Haverly.

P.S.- Anthony is really looking forward to 4th grade.

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Whatever Happened To That Kid On Made . . .?

A long time back I talked about how a kid at my school named Colin Colt was on MTV’s MADE to become a rapper and now I rap battled him to get on TV. For those of you who didn’t get to see the show, I had probably a 20 second cameo in which I busted the ill rhymes and made Colin my bitch. There was luckily someone recording it in the crowd so you guys can get an unedited version of the battle:

Colin went first:

The kid who screamed “MADE” in the beginning was my friend Joe, who was determined to make the videos obsolete with outbursts of profanity. Colin’s hit line “at least I don’t go to parties, get drunk and hook up with guys” is based off a massive school-wide rumor that I went to a party, got drunk, and got a hand job from a gay kid. This of course, is not true, but my friends and I still joke about it and, of course, I still get shit for it. Colin’s second big hit (“. . . go around dancing, while checking around for dateline’s Chris Hanson”) is because before I had a girlfriend I was notorious for hitting on younger girls. Not because I thought they were hot, but because most of the girls in my grade looked like if you touched them they’d be sticky. However, Colin slumped towards the end, studdering some oddly brokeback line: “that would put me on top of you.”

I retaliated:

My lines are self-explanatory, I just made fun of Colin and how goofy he is. On the aired TV show they only showed the last ten seconds, only since it had to be edited it went like this:

“Colin I know I diss you and that’s just ‘cause I’m the meanest
‘Cause in the dirty game of rap you’re definitely the cleanest
So overall, I hope there’s no real beef between us
And if there is then *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*”

At first I thought my 15 minutes of fame had passed with the show. When I got hired at work, I had to rap battle a few kids there, and of course I was asked on the streets to bust a few freestyles. I complied with all these requests, but mainly just to boost my ever-growing ego. One things that struck me as freaky was when one guy was pulling out of a parking lot, slowed down his car, and said “Hey aren’t you that kid from MADE?” I couldn’t help but feel like a star. For a while, I was a superstar. A Z-List celebrity, but a celebrity nonetheless.

And then I thought it was over. Aside from having a good story to tell and being the life of my family reunions (“Grandma! I beat this kid in a rap battle by telling him to suck my fucking penis!”) I thought my eminence was over. And then I got the call.

It was my last day of finals at AHS, and I went up to the room where my girlfriend was taking her test. When I got there, the teacher, who I rarely talk to, called me aside and said she needed to talk to me in private. We went out in the hall and closed the door and she half-whispered:

“The principal got a call from a producer at Nickelodeon who saw you on MTV. She said that she’s looking for kids to be on a TV show and when she saw you she thought you looked the part. The principal is waiting for you in his office with the lady’s phone number and all that.”

I went down to the office, got the phone number, and called the lady. When I mentioned that my name was Alex she didn’t remember me, saying that she saw me as “Boony” and assumed that was my real name. We talked for a while and she said that she was told to look for—and I quote—“A Justin Timberlake look-alike.” To this I laughed in her face, saying that I look more like JT’s dog than him. Let’s compare:

The lady asked me to send her a few pictures along with a resume about my abilities. Talent-wise, I have nothing. I can play two and a half songs on the piano, I can juggle, and I can say the alphabet backwards. Unfortunately, the show I’m auditioning for isn’t about a dyslexic piano playing juggler, it’s about a boy band. I sent her the pictures, and she called me and asked me to come out to New York for an audition the next day. Feeling rushed and unorganized, I immediately found a replacement for work, told everyone I saw, and went to bed early. And by “went to bed early” I mean stayed up all night predicting my future career.

The show she was doing was apparently about a boy band—hence me needing to be able to sing, act, and dance. Unfortunately, I can only sing in the shower and dance whenever we’re acting goofy during a techno song. As for acting, I think the extent of my performing arts talent is displayed whenever I need to stay home “sick” from school. My character on the show, whose name was “Donovan”, was the lead singer of the band and was described as having “enough music and dance stuffed in his soul that he could carry the group on stage by himself.” This is ironic, because if I got the part, I would most certainly be the retarded member of the band who just flails around and acts retarded (also known as Lance Bass).

On the phone, the lady told me I had to read a script and sing a song. Immediately, the song I thought of was Afternoon Delight as sung by Will Ferrell in “Anchorman”. But the lady made it clear that the producers were expecting a Backstreet Boys or N Sync song, limiting my options. Luckily, I still own the Backstreet Boy’s “Millennium” album on cassette, so selecting a song wouldn’t be so difficult. The only challenging part about singing a Backstreet Boys song became the fact that I’m painfully tone-deaf. Regardless, I selected I Want It That Way and started practicing.

Now normally, when an actor prepares for a roll, they do intensive research. Tom Cruise spent months learning Japanese to star in “The Last Samurai” and Christian Bale lost over 60 pounds to make a lasting performance in “The Machinist”. I, on the other hand, had less than 24 hours to practice for my audition, so my preparation consisted of me gelling my hair.

I went with my friend Adam to Nickelodeon Studios in New York City, taking a five hour bus trip there. When I got to New York, I could sense the smell of opportunity, hope, and gonorrhea. I decided that if I ever lived in New York, I would most certainly get stabbed to death. My friend, however, was a natural in the big city, pushing through crowds and aggressively cutting off traffic. I personally think New York City is disgusting. I think everything smells like a garbage truck drove by, and everyone seems like they just ate shit. When I wasn’t maneuvering around shoulders, I was trying to dodge traffic. I later found out that in the Big Apple, most traffic lights are optional. So is courtesy.

My interview with the Nickelodeon was the most disappointing thing ever. I went into the studio, signed in, and sat on a bench for five minutes. I was then called into the studio, asked to read the script, and sing the song. I honestly wish they could have showed people how horrible I sang, because it would have made William Hung look like Michael Bolton. Total, my time in front of the camera look less than two minutes. I’ve seen cows get slaughtered slower than that. Disappointed, my friend and I took a bus back home, spending a total of $100 each in the whole day.

Was it worth it? Yes. If I hadn’t taken the opportunity I would have been kicking myself for letting such a big chance go by me. But I now know that I can’t sing, act, or dance, so when the next opportunity arises I’ll be able to better predict the outcome. I guess I’ll just have to stick to being the best rapper in the school. Nickelodeon, I have no problem with you, and I hope there’s no beef between us.

And if there is then *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

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The Hardest Question Ever Asked

The other day, my co-workers and I were discussing a topic that normally takes place in a bakery: who is the hottest “Austin Powers” Girl? Now for those of you who haven’t seen the three “Austin Powers” Movies, the girls are:

Elizabeth Hurley from “Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery”

Heather Graham from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Beyoncé Knowles from “Austin Powers in Goldmember”

Now obviously based on looks, most guys would agree that the order goes Beyoncé with Heather in close second and then Elizabeth in back, but my co-workers and I also factored in humor and acting skills. Comically, the order was changed to Heather (who was 2nd in both categories), Beyoncé (who was the worst actress since Tom Cruise, but whose beauty is unprecedented), and then Elizabeth Hurley (who, although being a model and actress, was put into last place because she’s British). Now personally I would get with any of these actresses in the blink of an eye, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Because although this conversation with my co-workers is one that ignites between any teenage crowd watching the Austin Powers series, this one sparked a new question. Although to call it a question would be like calling Hitler “a little bit racist”; this question was more of an undeterminable debate amongst the human race.

The question is, of course, who is the hottest girl alive? Now before you do some stupid assuming and yell out “OMG I WUD TTLY DO MARIAH CAREY! LOL!” let me explain the rules. The qualifications for these girls is that they come with “no strings attached”—that is, while considering the woman, you pay no attention to her personality, background, or past boyfriends. We are going by the idea that you were knocked unconscious and forgot any celebrity gossip in the past and you were looking at these girls for the first time. Also, the women need to be semi-famous. When I discussed the topic with other girls, I got dumb responses like “There was this cameo by a man in Sex and the City and his mom’s niece in the show was the most gorgeous women I had ever seen.” They don’t have to be big names; they just have to be recognizable names. Lastly, I know that when it comes to the looks of women there are different types. So in order to make things easier, I will split the competition into three categories, which I will describe here as stages of Britney Spear’s life:

The Goody-Girl

This is the girl who you would keep around just because she’s an angel and keeps you out of trouble. You know that with this girl your relationship would never hit a rough spot and everything would be easy sailing. Her looks are based more off of clear skin and cute smile than anything, and you know that if you were to play with her it would include fewer condoms and more Barbie dolls.

The Bad Girl

This is the girl who could probably kick your ass. You don’t dare pick a fight with her because it would result with you on your back crying Uncle. You keep her around because her fierce attitude scares you in a way nothing else can. You would gladly fight a bear or wrestle an alligator than forget your one year anniversary with this girl. After playing around with this girl you’d need three shirts on so no one sees the scars on your back.

The Psycho

This girl could undoubtedly kick your ass, and she has the spiked bracelet to prove.
There’s really nothing attractive about this girl, other than the always sexual idea that if you were to upset her she would slit your throat. In fact, the only thing keeping you with this girl is the fear of your dick being thrown out of a moving car into a field. To prevent yourself from being chopped up and kept in a freezer, you stay with this girl and endure the excruciating and terrifying sex, all-the-while begging that someone spots the Morse Code S.O.S. you’re flashing with your phone. Playing around with this girl would unquestionably involve whips, chains, leather dominatrix suits, and you crying like a bitch.

After much debate and talking with other girls, I feel that I have safely come up with my decision for the hottest girl ever: My girlfriend.

Hahaha just kidding, here are my real candidates for the hottest girl in each category. They are as follows:

The Goody-Girl—Jessica Alba

I feel that if I were to share an apartment with Jessica Alba, the worst thing she would ever do during our 15 years together is overflow her cereal bowl. And even then she would thoroughly apologize and immediately clean it up. She is arguably the cutest thing since Furbie, and probably listens when you ask her to be quiet—something Furbies are yet to do.

My Runners Up: Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston.

The Bad Girl—Megan Fox

The piercing color in this girl’s eyes is enough to make a grown man cry, and her body is enough to have him coming back for more. I feel that if Megan and I ever shared an apartment together, she’s get the bigger bedroom and my bedroom, forcing me to sleep in the closet. We would watch whatever channel she wanted to watch, which would most likely be wrestling or dirt-bike racing. In an interview with Maxim, Megan admitted that she “really enjoys having sex,” a thought that makes more than hope rise in many men (swing and a miss).

My Runners Up: Courtney Cox and Angelina Jolie

The Psycho—Carmen Electra

Carmen Electra is one of the hottest girls alive, but I’d be too afraid to tell her for fear of her whipping a razor from her titties and attacking me. In fact, I’m a little scared that she’s reading this now, finding out my personal information and a planning to kill me in my sleep. The things I would do to this girl are enough to send me to confessional, and the things this girl would do to me are enough to send her to jail.

My Runners Up: Lil’ Kim and Rosie O’Donnell

I would be glad to know what you think of my girls, and I encourage everyone to try to answer to unanswerable question. Do you agree with me? Who are other potential Runner Ups? My co-workers and I dare you to answer the question. If you think you have a good idea, just leave a comment. I probably won’t read it for a while though; I think I have to fix things with my girlfriend.

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Holy Crap I Love Yahoo Answers

I just want you all to know how amazing Yahoo Answers is. When I write a post, I try to make cultural references that all can relate to. Unfortunately, my mind is too littered with song lyrics and baseball statistics to remember anything useful, so I tend to get my answers via sophisticated research:

“MOM!!!! Who’s the Red Sox fan that paints the big baseball on his belly?!!?”

“WHAT?!”

“There’s a famous Red Sox fan who paints a big baseball on his beer belly before going to games. I think he has season tickets and he was in some baseball video game!!”

“No, you can’t have any video games!!”

“UGH NEVERMIND!!”

In the beginning I would turn to my buddylist, IMing my friends with random questions like “Do you know another word for broadcasting?” or “What was the period before the Precambrian Age?” This got old fast because my friends are as uncultured as I am, so their answers consisted of “I think I read something about that in Rolling Stones,” or “I can’t talk, I’m looking at Facebook bumper stickers.”

For a while I was so frustrated with my lack of research that I stopped trying to make cultural references altogether. My posts were bland and lame with no creativity at all. I took all my rage out on nominal things such as Goths or Crocs. Then I discovered Yahoo Answers, and my whole life changed.

My question arose when I was zoning out one day in school and got the “Saved By The Bell” theme song stuck in my head. I then thought of this online video I watched in which they mocked the making of stars by filming the kid who “recorded” these famous these songs. The video starts off with a young shy kid stumbling awkwardly into a recording booth, the music playing, and him suddenly bursting into song (of course since this was a comedy spoof, the actual theme song was playing while this kid mouthed the words, but that only added to the effect). Determined to watch this video again, I went hunting for it. After a long and tedious search of 5 minutes on Google and youtube, I gave up. I knew I couldn’t ask my mother because the most recent video she’s watched was The Lion King, and my father was out of the question because he is the least cool person you will ever encounter. With nothing else to turn to, I remembered Yahoo Answers and thought I’d give it a shot.

The whole process was very easy, I made an account, got a new yahoo email address, and was able to ask a question. My question was as follows:

Can someone help me find an online video?
“I know that searching for a specific video is like finding a needle in a haystack, but I watched one months ago and I was wondering if anyone has a tactic for pin-pointing a video, or if they just know what I’m talking about. The video is a spoof on one of those big-fame-ruins-good-people ideas, and in the film a kid is hired to sing theme songs to sitcom shows. I believe he sings the intro to “Saved By The Bell.” Of course, the character isn’t really singing the song, and he is simply lip-syncing the original recording, which adds to the comedy, but you get my point.

As the video continues, he becomes notorious for his amazing theme-song-singing talents, and–like all famous people–does drugs. I don’t really remember how the video ends, all I remember is the star stumbling into the recording studio, obviously intoxicated, yet still singing an amazing duet with a girl before passing out in the booth.”

The good thing about Yahoo Answers is that in order to ask a bunch of questions, you need to answer a few. This means that people who use the site on a regular basis or to make friends are desperate to find questions to answer. And once you ask a question, people who are also on the site immediately see it. Eager to answer first and earn “points,” they jump right on your question and answer what they know. This means that within 20 minutes of answering your question, you have a response. Unfortunately, I had a retard respond to my question, and his answer was:

“Try You Tube they have all kinds of videos”

Youtube? What’s youtube? I’m sophisticated enough to use the internet to watch movies and contribute to question-asking websites, but I have no idea what the biggest video-sharing site in the world is. Thanks for the advice dumbass.

I figured that I’d give the site another chance and ask another really difficult question, one that my mother couldn’t. My next question concerned the baseball fan I was talking about:

Who Is The Red Sox Fan With The Baseball Painted On His Belly?
“One of the biggest Red Sox Fan is the infamous guy with the baseball painted onto his beer belly. I think he was even in the introduction to a video game, does anyone know his name?”

Literally 10 minutes after answering this question, I had three responses saying “Kyle B.” Hesitant, I searched him on Google and his picture appeared.

I was amazed. I was shocked. I was awestruck by this amazing technology. I could literally ask this site anything and they would know it. To test the theory again, I asked an extremely vague question that I already knew the answer to:

Ludacris Music Video?
“I’m looking for a music video of Ludacris that I caught the end of while channel surfing. In the video, he was rocking a baby cradle with a girl in it and basically doing alot of sexual stuff with women.”

This question was hard because in nearly every Ludacris rap video—let alone every rap video—there are “blinged out” rappers disrespecting women. The only hint I gave in his question was that he was rocking a baby cradle. Despite the elusiveness of the question, five minutes after posting I had two responses telling me the video was Missy Elliot’s “One Minutes Man.”

I am astounded by Yahoo Answers and I suggest you use it right now. Ask it any question you want, and you’ll get an answer. Unfortunately, the answer won’t be from me, because I’ll be watching The Lion King.

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Finally, Some Good Random Facts

I love random facts. One of my favorite things is when you and your friends end up all sitting around and sharing all the random facts that you’ve heard in your life; each fact leading to a goofy anecdote. But what I don’t like are the lame kids that always spew the same lame-ass facts that everyone knows. No one wants to be reminded of a fact they learned from their 3rd grade babysitter. Facts are supposed to be stirring and stimulating, which is why it’s retarded when kids try to impress you with these boring “revelations”:

-It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

-Proportionally, the strongest muscle in your body is your tongue.

-There are more plastic lawn flamingos in the US than real ones.

-The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

When you hear these facts, you’re not inspired, nor are you excited to hear another. All you can think is “wow, this person just became as smart as my 8-year-old cousin.”

I think what I love the most about “facts” is that you can really never tell which ones are made up and which ones are true. In fact (no pun intended), you could make up whatever “fact” you wanted, and no one would call you on it—provided it’s believable. For example, for the past 5 years, during every fact-exchange me and my peers have had, I’ve told everyone that all polar bears are left-handed. Are all polar bears left handed? Who knows! The best part is that nobody can call me on it because no one has seen a polar bear throw a baseball with their right hand. Even better, facts spread like wild-fire, especially the fake ones.

Before you I have put together some very interesting facts that—to my knowledge—are completely true. But there’s no real way to tell, all you can do is believe them and tell them to everyone you know.

-On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

-The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.

-In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere… usually in Jerry’s living room.

-More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed each year from using products that are made for right-handed people.

-Pain is measured in units of “dols”. The instrument used to measure pain is a “dolorimeter”.

-David Alan Grier, Ice Cube, Dave Chappelle and John Travolta all turned down the offer to play the role of Bubba from Forrest Gump. Chevy Chase also turned down the role of playing Forrest.

-The name Vanilla comes from the Spanish word “vainilla”, diminutive form of “vaina,” which is in turn derived from Latin word “vagina”.

-The modern bikini was invented by a French designer in 1946. It was named after Bikini Atoll, the site of US nuclear weapon tests a few days earlier in the Marshall Islands, on the reasoning that the burst of excitement it would cause would be like the nuclear device.

-‘Fjord’ is the only word in the English language to start with the letters ‘fj’. A fjord is a long, narrow arm of the sea bordered by steep cliffs.

-Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow the film down so you could see his moves

I would love to share more with you people, but I have to go play catch with a polar bear. Does anyone have a lefty glove?

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Hannah Montana, Your Secret’s Out

I consider myself to be a very up-to-date person. I watch the latest movies, stay on top of world affairs, and have a general knowledge as to how porcupines mate. But one thing I can not comprehend is this whole Hannah Montana craze. I understand that she’s a huge pop-star with three albums and a Disney TV show, but who is she? Half the people call her Miley Cyrus, and the other half calls her Hannah Montana.

After doing some research I found out that our beloved pop-star’s real name is Destiny Hope Cyrus. She is in fact the daughter of Country has-been Billy Ray Cyrus, notorious for his song “Achy Breaky Heart”, and more infamous for sporting the six-foot mullet. The basis for Hannah’s (I’m calling her Hannah) show is that she is a normal girl who lives a secret double life of fame. Around her friends, she is mild mannered Miley Stewart, but through the crafty technology of makeup and disguise, she mysteriously transforms into superstar Hannah Montana! How does crafty Miley evade all suspicion while changing identities? Glasses? Face reconstruction? No, this girl changes her hair color:

I realize that today’s youth is slow and challenged, but I think that out of the 50,000,000 people watching her, one of them would make the connection:

 Unfathomably Complex Identity Transformation 

Fan 1: Hey, doesn’t Hannah Montana look similar to that girl Miley at our school?

Fan 2: Yeah, they have the same eyes, voice, skin color, face, height, stature, and general appearance, only their hair color is different, so it’s impossible.

Fan 1: Right, how dumb of me to even think that.

In today’s world—or as I like to call it “The Real World”—a celebrity changing hair color wouldn’t hide their identity. At least Superman would wear a suit and glasses!

    

Paparazzi 1: Hey, where’d Brad Pitt go?

Paparazzi 2: I don’t know, he was right there, then he turned the corner, and now there’s only some loser with red hair.

Paparazzi 1: Someone push that red-head out of the way so we can find Brad!!!

If a celebrity really wanted to deter the chaotic life of fame, they would have to do something drastic like, for example, shave their head.

And it’s not that Hannah doesn’t have something strong going with this undisclosed stardom thing; it’s that she’s ruined it with her song “Best of Both Worlds.” In the song, she directly discusses her aliases and how she is secretly a celebrity. Some of her lyrics are:

Yeah, when you’re famous it can be kinda fun
It’s really you but no one ever discovers

In some ways you’re just like all your friends
But on stage you’re a star

Livin’ two lives is a little weird
But school’s cool ‘cause nobody knows

Hannah even says “with just a change of the hair, you can go anywhere.” As if it couldn’t get any more obvious! That’s like Superman releasing a song with the lyrics: “With just a phone booth near by, I’m a regular guy.”

Fan 1: Hey, what does Hannah mean by “with just a change of the hair, she can go anywhere?” Is she referring to some sort of wig?

Fan 2: Nah, she must mean that after doing her hair, she looks good enough to address the public.

Fan 1: I wish that girl Miley at our school could be as hot as Hannah.

Out of this entire thing, I have to feel bad for Billy Ray Cyrus. In the 90’s, this man was known for his one hit country wonder, and now his daughter is doing better than him. Let’s compare:

Hannah Montana’s Achievements: She has three different albums, one of which was a double album under her real name; she was ranked at #17 in the Forbes Top 20 Earners Under 25; she earns $3.5 million a year; she released a Hannah Montana clothing collection; and has her own Disney television show.

Billy Ray Cyrus’s Achievements: He has a massive mullet.

My prediction for Hannah Montana’s future are the same as any Disney star’s:

1. She begins staring in movies, first children’s films, and then when she attempts adult films she realizes that she sucks.
2. After dieing out a little bit, she gets caught doing cocaine and goes into rehab
3. Pictures of her naked are released, and no one cares.
4. She changes her pen name to “Hannah Canada,” claiming that she’s the same as Montana, only higher up.

As for Billy Ray Cyrus, I predict that he is never heard of again, never making another albums and dieing of old age at 78. But if he ever does want to become famous, a secret superstar life is only a hair-change away.

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