Category Archives: AIM

Holy Crap I Love Yahoo Answers

I just want you all to know how amazing Yahoo Answers is. When I write a post, I try to make cultural references that all can relate to. Unfortunately, my mind is too littered with song lyrics and baseball statistics to remember anything useful, so I tend to get my answers via sophisticated research:

“MOM!!!! Who’s the Red Sox fan that paints the big baseball on his belly?!!?”

“WHAT?!”

“There’s a famous Red Sox fan who paints a big baseball on his beer belly before going to games. I think he has season tickets and he was in some baseball video game!!”

“No, you can’t have any video games!!”

“UGH NEVERMIND!!”

In the beginning I would turn to my buddylist, IMing my friends with random questions like “Do you know another word for broadcasting?” or “What was the period before the Precambrian Age?” This got old fast because my friends are as uncultured as I am, so their answers consisted of “I think I read something about that in Rolling Stones,” or “I can’t talk, I’m looking at Facebook bumper stickers.”

For a while I was so frustrated with my lack of research that I stopped trying to make cultural references altogether. My posts were bland and lame with no creativity at all. I took all my rage out on nominal things such as Goths or Crocs. Then I discovered Yahoo Answers, and my whole life changed.

My question arose when I was zoning out one day in school and got the “Saved By The Bell” theme song stuck in my head. I then thought of this online video I watched in which they mocked the making of stars by filming the kid who “recorded” these famous these songs. The video starts off with a young shy kid stumbling awkwardly into a recording booth, the music playing, and him suddenly bursting into song (of course since this was a comedy spoof, the actual theme song was playing while this kid mouthed the words, but that only added to the effect). Determined to watch this video again, I went hunting for it. After a long and tedious search of 5 minutes on Google and youtube, I gave up. I knew I couldn’t ask my mother because the most recent video she’s watched was The Lion King, and my father was out of the question because he is the least cool person you will ever encounter. With nothing else to turn to, I remembered Yahoo Answers and thought I’d give it a shot.

The whole process was very easy, I made an account, got a new yahoo email address, and was able to ask a question. My question was as follows:

Can someone help me find an online video?
“I know that searching for a specific video is like finding a needle in a haystack, but I watched one months ago and I was wondering if anyone has a tactic for pin-pointing a video, or if they just know what I’m talking about. The video is a spoof on one of those big-fame-ruins-good-people ideas, and in the film a kid is hired to sing theme songs to sitcom shows. I believe he sings the intro to “Saved By The Bell.” Of course, the character isn’t really singing the song, and he is simply lip-syncing the original recording, which adds to the comedy, but you get my point.

As the video continues, he becomes notorious for his amazing theme-song-singing talents, and–like all famous people–does drugs. I don’t really remember how the video ends, all I remember is the star stumbling into the recording studio, obviously intoxicated, yet still singing an amazing duet with a girl before passing out in the booth.”

The good thing about Yahoo Answers is that in order to ask a bunch of questions, you need to answer a few. This means that people who use the site on a regular basis or to make friends are desperate to find questions to answer. And once you ask a question, people who are also on the site immediately see it. Eager to answer first and earn “points,” they jump right on your question and answer what they know. This means that within 20 minutes of answering your question, you have a response. Unfortunately, I had a retard respond to my question, and his answer was:

“Try You Tube they have all kinds of videos”

Youtube? What’s youtube? I’m sophisticated enough to use the internet to watch movies and contribute to question-asking websites, but I have no idea what the biggest video-sharing site in the world is. Thanks for the advice dumbass.

I figured that I’d give the site another chance and ask another really difficult question, one that my mother couldn’t. My next question concerned the baseball fan I was talking about:

Who Is The Red Sox Fan With The Baseball Painted On His Belly?
“One of the biggest Red Sox Fan is the infamous guy with the baseball painted onto his beer belly. I think he was even in the introduction to a video game, does anyone know his name?”

Literally 10 minutes after answering this question, I had three responses saying “Kyle B.” Hesitant, I searched him on Google and his picture appeared.

I was amazed. I was shocked. I was awestruck by this amazing technology. I could literally ask this site anything and they would know it. To test the theory again, I asked an extremely vague question that I already knew the answer to:

Ludacris Music Video?
“I’m looking for a music video of Ludacris that I caught the end of while channel surfing. In the video, he was rocking a baby cradle with a girl in it and basically doing alot of sexual stuff with women.”

This question was hard because in nearly every Ludacris rap video—let alone every rap video—there are “blinged out” rappers disrespecting women. The only hint I gave in his question was that he was rocking a baby cradle. Despite the elusiveness of the question, five minutes after posting I had two responses telling me the video was Missy Elliot’s “One Minutes Man.”

I am astounded by Yahoo Answers and I suggest you use it right now. Ask it any question you want, and you’ll get an answer. Unfortunately, the answer won’t be from me, because I’ll be watching The Lion King.

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Filed under AIM, Comedy, Joke, Movies, Personal, School

Man Whoring 101: The Dos And Don’ts Of Getting Women.

Note To The Reader: For a person who wants to make a successful job in comedy, I highly suggest staying single. Staying single allows you to freely float throughout your life without having to worry about anything except your goals. There’s no worrying about what your girlfriend thinks of you; there’s no fretting over what signals you are sending towards other girls, and there’s no weekly jealous scandal to distract you from your objective. It’s just you and your ambitions. Unfortunately, I have a girlfriend now (a girlfriend who has a sense of humor, which is why I’m able to joke about her so much) so I can no longer talk about women the way I used to. However, I will still convey ideas that I deem pleasurable and beneficial to people who read this site, even if I can’t carry them out myself. For example, this is a post about how to “Man-Whore.” Like most posts, this one is another wing off of my High School Relationships article, so I suggest you at least skim through that one before reading this. The only difference with this edited post and the original one is that the original one started with an entire page criticizing the idea of a High School Relationship in contract to man whoring. If anything, this can be a lesson all of you that what I write in no way, shape, or form, reflects my life. Because there is so much to be learnt in the rules of man whoring, I am going to release only the first “chapter” of a series, including the introduction and how to get started.

In society, being a man whore can either be the most amazing thing in the world, or the worse sin committed, depending on whose eyes it’s seem through. In the eyes of a guy, man whoring is a tribute to manliness and is pictured as putting women in their place as well as an increase in masculinity. On the other hand, by women, man whoring is judged as the most despicable act performed. It demeans their entire race, portrays women as sex-slaves, and disrupts the equality that women had worked so hard to obtain. Let me put all rumors to rest right now by saying that, as a past man whore, I do not feel that the act of using women for sex is not what has publicly humiliated women, and I think you would all agree with me that I say that the cause of women’s public disgrace is solely the fault of Rosie O’Donnell.

In high school, having a relationship with someone is great. It is always good to know that no matter what you do and how bad you mess up, you can always have someone to fall back on, to trust, to care for, and who will be with you no matter what. Oh sure there’s drama, but a strong high school couple won’t let that bother them and will be happy for a very long time. Currently, my girlfriend and I are helping each other get in shape, do better in school, and deal with the pressure of college. I know that I have no intention of losing my girlfriend, and if she has any plans to leave me I’ll kill her.

The only downside of a relationship in high school is that you are tied down with one girl who tells you all about herself, and in a matter of 6 months you learn everything about her. Clearly everyone has a series of stories that they love to tell strangers, and they are normally fantastic ways to get to know one another, but in only a few months, when you’ve told every story you ever had an the only thing your partner doesn’t know about you is that one time you pooped in your church Christmas pageant, you find that you and your girlfriend/boyfriend have nothing interesting to talk about. After that, your conversations are like this:

Girl– Hey babe, what’s up?

Guy– Nothing much, I just got back from the gym and Peter and I are going out to Ana’s. How you doing?

Girl– I’m doing good. Jessica and I went to the mall and bought some shoes for her Sweet 16 and then Jessica fell down the stairs when we got back to her house.

Guy– Jessica is such a sped.

Girl– I know. Did I tell you that one time when we were walking our dogs?

Guy– Yeah you told me that.

Girl– Oh, well did you hear about the time we were at the movies?

Guy– Yeah you told me that too.

Girl– Well what about last Saturday when we were doing the laundry and—

Guy– You’ve basically told me every story concerning you and Jessica ever.

Thankfully, due to my ever-slumping memory and my girlfriend’s patience, she and I haven’t reached that point in our relationship yet. When we do, I suspect I’ll just stop talking to her and we’ll communicate through a series of orchestrated grunts.

What few people know is that in high school there is a raging furry of what scientists call “hormones.” Hormones are microscopic organisms that look like Dale Earnhardt and rush around your system in race cars. As they speed throughout your body, they trigger feelings called “sexual urges” that affect each person differently. For most men, sexual urges convey a feeling of wanting to be with every woman he sees regardless of who they are. Teachers, librarians, total strangers, and even some species of reindeer are all susceptible to a man’s sexual urges. Women also have sexual urges, but theirs only occur once every 3rd leap year, making them difficult to track. For a guy, one girlfriend may not be enough to satisfy all your sexual urges, and masturbation can result in health risks such as carpal tunnel, arthritis, and a very high On Demand Adult Movies bill. This, my friends, is where man whoring comes in.

Before I let forth secrets so shocking and sought after, let me say once again that I no longer do any of these acts due to my loving girlfriend that I don’t want to lose. However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t suggest you give this a shot because I know that there are some of you out there who want to be able to freely juggle women and get unfathomable amounts of ass. And even if you don’t, this list will help you at least pick up one girl, which is probably more than you’ve ever had before. I’m hoping the show you the ropes of how to figure out what women are thinking and how to use that to your advantage. Basically I’m being the teenage version of Mystery from The Pickup Artist, except I’m not a faggot. So here they are: The Rules to Man Whoring.

Pre-Game

Before you go out and hit on hot chicks there are a few things you should work on.

1. Become hot. No one wants to talk to a disgusting pale kid with ache and clammy hands. Clean your face, lose weight, shave, and get a hair cut. This doesn’t mean you have to go to the gym every morning and cut back on chocolate and soda, it just means you have to pull yourself together and look somewhat attractive.

2. Become funny. When was the last time you had a good time with a kid who was stale and boring? Girls don’t want someone who can only talk about how many noobs you pwn on World of Warcraft (come to think of it, no one wants to talk to someone like that), so to built off your wit and general upbeat attitude. Even being romantic only worked during the 1800’s in Italy! Nowadays it doesn’t work out and will just end in your cheesy line being shot down or becoming an awkward silence. You’re not Romeo, so cut the crap.

What The Guy Thinks Will Happen:
Guy– Whenever I look in your eyes I become alive. You’re the part of me that I’m missing and without you I won’t be complete.

Girl– Kiss me you fool!!!

What Really Happens:
Guy– Whenever I look in your eyes I become alive. You’re the part of me that I’m missing and without you I won’t be complete.

Girl– Shut the fuck up you pussy.

Also, there are different kinds of funny. Girls love to be made fun of. They love to feel ditsy and clueless because they feel that it feeds into their angelic, I-have-no-idea-what’s-going-on-in-the-world-right-now personality. So when you point out something they did/said wrong and ridicule them for it, instead of being offended like a normal person would, they will giggle to themselves and touch your arm. Remember, when they touch your arm, do not start sweating.

At the same time, remember not to get too carried away with your comedy. If the girl is telling you a story, listen to the story. Don’t mock everything she says with that sarcastic, dick-face thing most guys do; don’t stare into her eyes and appear like a creepy stalker that analyzes everything she says, and don’t—under any circumstances—get caught looking at her chest. Unless her story ends with “And then I got two massive boobs that I want guys to drool over,” you should leave your chest-glances to a minimum; preferably when she’s leaning over to pick something up. If she has a story that relates to something you know, wait until she’s finished her story and then tell yours. Hopefully your story will be more compelling than hers, because chances are hers was about her girlfriend being a bitch and ditching her.

3. Have an easily accessible house. In the later parts of man whoring when you have a girl over, you don’t want to have her join you in a strenuous climb up Mount Olympia to get to your house. If possible, have your family move closer to where people live and not at the top of a hill. For example, my house is 4 minutes away from my school, so having girls over was extremely easy.

4. Get an idea of who you would want to get with. On the thumb scale—the universally understood method of rating people—if you are a thumb sideways, don’t go shooting for girls who are double thumbs’ up. Instead, go for maybe three thumbs diagonally up and one thumb’s up. Similarly, if you are a thumb’s up, don’t stoop to a thumb’s diagonally down. Remember, if you shoot for the stars, you might miss and bang yourself a semi-good-looking chick.

5. Get yourself an AIM screen name. In today’s day and age, everyone talks to one another through Instant Messages and having a screen name will enable you to “get in on the cool.” When selecting an AIM screen name, you can base yours off of many outlines the public uses. Here are a few ideas:

• The “First Name Initial, Last Name, Number” Screen Name. This sn is exactly what it seems: the first letter of your first name followed by your last name, followed by a number. The creativity obviously comes from the number, as it could be your sports number, your year of graduation, or a random compilation of your favorite digits. Examples:

-cnorris45
-abaldwin09
-sdogg32

• The “Nickname, Number” Screen Name. Statistically, 62% of high schoolers have nicknames. Not only do nicknames make the person appear younger and childish, they also allow for fantastic screen names. My first screen name, for instance, was boonyb37, and my second one was bizzoony45.

• The “Quote From A Movie/Song” Screen Name. This is the only screen name you can have that doesn’t need to be followed by an array of numbers. My friend made his screen name from a My Chemical Romance song, and another one took hers from a Dave Matthews Band song title. If you feel that a song title truly portrays who you are, I suggest this type of screen name. Examples:

-iLoveRock&Roll
-WeAllLiveInAYellowSubmarine
-HappyBirthdayToYou

Keep in mind that an AIM screen name can be any creative thing you want it to be, provided you follow it with a spew of random numbers that no one else in the world could think of. Also, avoid forming your screen name around an inside joke, or anything with the phrase “Irish Pride” in it.

Once you have successfully prepared for man whoring, you can get ready to fulfill your wildest fantasies and get all the women you’ve ever wanted. Keep in mind, though, that it will take brains, balls, and determination to pull off this risky way of living. Many people say that I had it easy when I was man whoring and that I was the luckiest kid in the world for being able to get all the girls I ever wanted. Little did they know how much work it took and how much of my time was taken up by all the girls. The only reason I put up with it is because I believe every man should man whore at least once in his life. After all, who the hell wants to be tied down to a lame ass girlfriend?! (Baby if you’re reading this, I love you and I promise to buy you a Tiffany’s necklace if you don’t get mad)

Genesis

In the beginning, there was Adam and Eve. And Eve was a whore, so Adam slept with her and had thousands of children. But that wasn’t just it. Adam didn’t just walk up to Eve, hook up with her, and then bounce. There was a massive middle-ground that consisted of cheesy pickup lines, lies, fake promises, and false impressions. Essentially, Adam was macing the shit out of Eve. Let’s start from the beginning:

The Ice Breaker

Possibly the hardest thing about getting with girls is first breaking the ice with them and finding something to talk about. You can’t just walk up to a girl and try to talk with her—most guys can’t even walk up to a girl without breathing heavily. You need to establish common ground that both you and the girl can relate to. Here are some examples:

Example 1: The girl is in your math class: Ask what the homework was, then say that you don’t understand anything the teacher is talking about, then say that this year is really hard for you, and then ask her how her year is going. This is how the conversation will most likely turn out:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: hey, do you know what the math homework was?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: yeah it was pages 37 numbers 15-32.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: thanks, this year is really hard for me. I don’t understand anything Mr. D is talking about

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Yaa me neither. I just draw stuff in my notebook and do my other homework

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: same here, this year is really hard for me because im taking all honors classes plus I have soccer every day after school

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: me too except im doing cheerleading

NOTE: This is not the appropriate time to say that cheerleading is not a sport. Everyone knows that it isn’t a sport, and you can inform the girl about that later.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: yeah it sucks that i only have like two hours to do my homework until i go to sleep. who do you have for history?

This conversation will continue and later on digress to who she has for every class, what she thinks about those teachers, what she does after school, and what her future plans are.

Example 2: You hung out with the girl and met her through another one of your friends when you all went to a party/sports event/movie. You didn’t get to really talk to the girl but you thought she was damn fine and got the impression that she would hand out. A day or two after hanging out with her, ask her what’s up, how she knows the person you met her through, and how she’s been. If she’s cooperating, go onto ask about the basics of school. This is how the conversation will most likely turn out:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: hey its Ryan from saturday night

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: hey whats up

NOTE: Just because a girl asks “What’s up” doesn’t mean she likes you. The person receiving the IM is obligated to ask “What’s up” even if the person talking to them is the scum of the earth. More on finding out whether a girl truly connects with you or not later.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: nothing much you?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: just chilling

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: that’s cool. R was just wondering how you knew Amanda

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Amanda and I went to preschool together and were best friends until I moved

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: haha that’s funny because I met Amanda when I moved to her school in 4th grade. But you still go to the high school, right?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Haha ya, I just went to a different elementary school

NOTE: Now is not a good time to discuss Elementary School politics. Every guy knows that their elementary school was the best at kickball, football, and baseball, but girls don’t give a rat’s ass about that. Besides, we all know that my school could have destroyed your school at kickball.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I think I’ve seen you around the high school, I just didn’t know who you were. What classes do you take?

This conversation will continue the same way the first example would: about school.

Example 3: You just want to talk to the girl with whom no relation at all. I wanted to put this up here partly as a learning session, but more to brag to you about how skilled I am at handling women. This is the ice-breaker I used to get my girlfriend 8 months ago, and we still joke about it today because it was so cheesy and horrible. That doesn’t matter though, because all the ice-breaker does is allow you to get your foot in the door without awkwardly asking a person you never talk to “Hey, how’s it hanging?”

If you never speak to the girl but you think you stand a chance with her, you might just want to ask a random question that you think she’ll either know the answer to, or something that will allow you to joke about and build off of. For example, I knew that my girlfriend thought that I was hot before I threw in my ice breaker, which gave me the confidence that no matter what I said, she would respond in somewhat of a positive way, which is why our conversation went like this (I am not making this up either, this was actually our conversation):

RandyQuenchVFM: Hey, do you know another word for “friendship”?

BoonysGirlfriend247: Umm no, sorry

RandyQuenchVFM: Haha, don’t worry this isn’t a cheesy pickup line, (NOTE: It was) I’m just writing a comedy post and I can’t think of another word for friendship other than “togetherness”

BoonysGirlfriend247: I don’t know any, I’m sorry. Did you try thesaurus.com?

RandyQuenchVFM: Yeah I tried that but it didn’t give me anything good. It’s alright I’ll just use togetherness, sorry for bothering you.

BoonysGirlfriend247: no problem

RandyQuenchVFM: How have you been lately? I haven’t talked to you in forever.

The conversation continued to her boyfriend breaking up with her, to the awkwardness between them, how it affected her in school, to how school went. When attempting to get a girl with this type of ice-breaker, be original but not too creative. No girl is going to talk to a guy who starts off a conversation with “Does it sometimes hurt when you poop?” Also, if this is a person you used to talk to but haven’t in a while due to you guys drifting apart, one of you being in a relationship, or her telling you to never speak to her again, inform her that you’ve been asking a bunch of people on your buddy list and no one has been a help. Just be sure that no matter what the conversation starts out as, it always drifts into the topic of school. School is a very easy subject to talk about mainly because each kid spends six hours in school a day, five days a week. Not only that, but every kid can connect with the talk of school, and most people share the same views as to how much their teachers hate them.

While talking about school (which is ideally what you want the conversation to lead to), some key points to talk about are how hard your classes are, how you don’t do homework, different cheating tactics, and how much your teachers hate you. Depending on what happens, you should mean to end the conversation by pretending to have a fake chore (“My mom wants me to help cook dinner” or “My sister needs help with her homework”) and say that you’ll talk to the person later. Also remember to not make up random family members, as you could be in trouble when the girl comes over and finds out that you don’t have 4 brothers and 3 sisters.

The Second Conversation And On

Another thing that most men struggle with is when to talk to the girl next after meeting her. Some people say that there’s a three day rule or a one day rule or that you play hard to get and make her contact you. These are all wrong, and if you want to appear as a guy with interest but not too much interest, you should wait two days before you talk to her next. This is the chance you use to relay off the hidden signals the girl sends you. It’s sort of like body language, but since you’re too much of a pussy to talk to the girl face to face you need to pick up on things she says online.

One of the first things you should see is if she’s asking you questions in response to yours. If you find yourself pulling teeth in order to continue the conversation, you should probably find yourself a fake chore (“Oh sorry I gotta go, my mom needs me to bring the groceries in”) and end the conversation. However, if you see that she’s responding in multiple sentences and actually talking to you instead of just answering your questions, then you might find yourself getting lucky.

Good Conversation:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Hey, how’s it going?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Good, you?

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I just finished my homework and now I’m exhausted

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Haha yeah I had a lot of homework too

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I didn’t even have a lot, I just watched TV for a few hours and I was already tired when I started it.

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Oh that sucks, I do my homework right when I get home from school. It kinda just lets me get it out of the way and then I have the rest of the night to do whatever I want, ya know?

Bad Conversation:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Hey, how’s it going?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Good, you?

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I just finished my homework and now I’m exhausted

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Yeah me too.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Plus I’m about the watch the baseball game, but I can’t until my English essay is finished

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: That sucks

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Do you watch baseball?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Not really

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Oh sorry I gotta go, my mom needs me to bring the groceries in.

You can see that if the girl answers in short statements, she’s intentionally preventing you from casually continuing the conversation. If you scroll back up, you’ll notice that after my ice-breaker, my girlfriend asked if I had looked at thesaurus.com. This was a hint that she was in the mood for talking and wanted to talk to me, which is why I carried on. While talking to the girl, you’ll probably get a hint of whether she really wants to talk to you or not. If she doesn’t, then simply end the conversation and try again in another two days. If you still get the feeling that she would rather stab herself to death than talk about school with you, drop her and try for another girl.

After a while, you and the girl will continue talking, which means you’ll end up having to progress past the focus of school. This also gives you practice on avoiding become one-dimensional, and you will be able to lead conversations into things other than school when you first talk to a girl. However, not all girls talk about the same things guys talk about. Girls aren’t going to want to talk for hours and hours about how the referees weren’t at fault for Miami losing the 2003 Fiesta Bowl. You need to stick to basic things that most people can agree upon. Here are some ideas:

Sports: You can talk about sports you played when you were little, why you quit them, and funny stories that happened when you were playing them. Also, past sports stories are the easiest to make up. How is your girlfriend going to find out that you actually didn’t travel to the U.S. Junior Olympics and dislocate your knee in a game against Sweden? Also, this is a time to jokingly say that cheerleading isn’t a sport. Even though it’s really not and every chick that thinks that it takes skill to say “Let’s give a cheer for the lions!” should be punched in the face, you can’t get into a fight with the girl this soon. Just joke with her about it and then drop it. There is an endless amount of material to talk about in the category of sports.

Jobs And Money: In high school, kids start getting jobs, and kids that don’t start getting jobs start talking to girls about it. A simple “I need a job soooo bad” or “I am dead broke” will spark an entire conversation about job opportunities and how shitty jobs are. Talk about what you’re thinking about applying to, what jobs you used to have, why you quit that job, and all that stuff. Also, you have to remember to listen when she talks about her job. Ask questions. Act interested. We know you’re not, but still.

Going To The Gym: All girls think they’re fat, and you could probably get in better shape yourself, so talk about it.  Just make sure to never agree with a girl when she says that she’s fat.  The best response is “I’m going to get mad the next time you call yourself fat” or “you’re fine, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  Things like this just make it seem like you care, and the girls will think they’re whales no matter what you say.

Divorce: From the years 1992 to 2000, the divorce rate was at an average of 45%. This means that there is a 45% chance that this girl’s parents are divorced, and she’ll probably want to talk about it. But ONLY if your parents are divorced too; that’s the rule. No one wants to share their innermost thoughts about a traumatic experience in their life if they don’t have someone who felt the same way. My girlfriend and I still talk about our parents’ separation, and we help each other through things as we talk. If you’ve been talking to this girl long enough and you feel that she trusts you, maybe fake that the divorce has hurt you and talk to her about it. It brings people closer together, and that’s what you want.

You can be definitely sure that the girl is into you when she starts initiating the conversation and you don’t have to start it. Even though this may seem like a small thing, it plays a major role because then you can be sure that she enjoys talking to you. Her initiation may not come until the 7th or 8th conversation, but it means something big. Also, be on the look out for her waving, smiling, or making note of your presence in the hallways at school. Just make sure not to look like a faggot jumping and waving at her while she walks right by you.

The Call

Talking to girls online works for a while, and text-messaging can eventually come into play, but ultimately you’ve going to have to call this girl. This call could and should be something very short, and I suggest you don’t call her while she’s with other people. Maybe you’re walking home from school and you need to kill 15 minutes. Maybe you’re getting a haircut and you don’t want to look like a fool walking alone. And even though these are prime opportunities to call her, I suggest you do it at night alone in your room. Give her a call and say that you’ve been thinking about her (which you haven’t) and wanted to see what she’s doing. You’ll notice that it is much harder to carry out a conversation over the phone than online, and that the pauses you take to form a funny sentence on AIM turn into long awkward silences on the phone. Even though these happen, just a simple “so what have you been doing today?” or “how was school?” gets the ball rolling again. When you feel that you’ve made your impression that you care, you can pretend that your dad needs you to set the table for dinner or that he’s kicking you off the phone to start your homework. Even though you may have only talked to her for 20 minutes, you’ve broken another layer of ice because now you can call her whenever. However, I still suggest that the two day rule comes into play, and eventually this will turn into three or four days depending on how many girls you get.

This concludes the first chapter on how to successfully man whore. In case you haven’t already noticed, the first stages are very similar to how you get a girlfriend, only we’re going to get four or five. At the prime of my man whoring days, I had 7 different girls I was getting with, each with their own rank and schedule. You’ll learn more about ranks and schedules in the next article, but as for now, here are some things to remember:

Things To Remember:

1. The Ice Breaker is a very important and needs to be original and creative, but also believable
2. Talk about general things that you both agree upon, but also get personal and learn stuff about her. Keep in mind that you want her to like you to the point where she’ll hook up with you
3. Try not to go after girls that are prudes and will do nothing. Girls younger than you will gladly hook up with an older kid, so wield that as a weapon.
4. Never, EVER, give a girl the satisfaction of thinking that cheerleading is actually a sport.

I hope you enjoy what you’ve read so far and will come back to read more. And if you disagree with anything you’ve read here, I will gladly settle this in a game of Elementary School kickball.

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Filed under AIM, Comedy, Joke, Personal, School, Sports

Child Labor ROCKS!!!

In history class I’m learning about child labor and how it is the worst thing in the history of the world. Children were brutally put into the work force at ages as young as five to perform hard labor without pay, benefits, or a 401K. Older kids were made to do the tedious tasks that adults deemed dangerous, such as substituting at a middle school. Innocent children who worked in the mines would die very young due to lung problems or even collapses, and because life insurance was unthought-of in that day, dead children were usually unable to work anymore.

Being a young kid for my grade, I truly wish that child labor was still legal. As of this point all my friends have jobs, and because of that have money to spend in the essentials of high school living (drugs, alcohol, condoms, etc.). Since I am only 15, I have nothing to do but sit around and wait while all my friends live the American dream of doing what every sophisticated businessman does: hate his job.

Back in the early 1900’s, kids had an infinite number of jobs opportunities to hate, the majority of which had no age restrictions. Six-year-olds were making cigars, eight-year-olds were running newspaper routes, and toddlers were hired for cleaning sewing machines. And by having shitty jobs that were dangerous and life-threatening, the youth of America was not only able to provide for their family, they also built character. In fact, the main reason these kids tolerated such laborious jobs is because they had nothing better to do than build character. There was no Instant Messaging, text messaging, or internet; kids couldn’t just go to the movies or a rock concert. They lived in hell. Back in the 1900’s, building character was today’s equivalent of snowboarding! The children would wake up at dawn, build character for 9 hours, and then reluctantly go home. And when they weren’t at work and they wanted to have fun, they would basically sit around and so what every other teenager did during that time: play with rocks.

Kids today are spoiled, flawed, and disfigured and a little bit of elbow grease could do them right. Most teenagers—myself included—cannot spend ten minutes without checking their phones, emails, IM buddy list, etc. The thought of having to act responsible enough to hold a steady job is enough to make some teenagers uncontrollably convulse. Because unlike the lame-ass living conditions of the early 1900’s, our lives are filled with many opportunities consisting of and endless selection of reading books, infinite sources of video entertainment, and DDR. And it is because we have to spend our time doing hard labor and missing all the entertaining selections we normally have that we wind up hating our job.

No matter what job you chose you’re going to hate it. There are going to be responsibilities that you don’t want to have (like showing up) and rules that you don’t want to follow (like not killing that obnoxious kid who thinks you’re his best friend despite the fact that you only see him Sunday mornings from 9-12), but a job is a job. And when choosing the proper career, there are a few options you have, especially when you’re just starting off:

1) The Hook Up Job- Your mom’s friend’s sister’s nephew knows a guy who met a lady who called her mother who can get you a job as a cashier at a Taco Bell in Michigan. This job usually has you working at a job people five years older than you aren’t legally allowed to do, but you don’t get in trouble because you’re best friends with the manager. Jealous that your job is better than theirs, your friends never speak to you again and attempt to murder you.

2) Your Brother’s Job- This job is an employment you take because your older brother/sister worked there. Chances are you hate the job as much as they did and manage to become closer siblings by mocking your boss.

3) The Easy Job- You choose this career because it’s convenient for you. Either it’s close to your house; minutes away from your school; or your inability to drive leaves this as your only option. You’re probably still the tool of this job even though you’ve worked there for three years, and chances are you’ll find a new job the second you get your license.

4) The Friendship Job- Probably the most common of all employment options, this is a job you select because your friend’s work there. As opposed to other jobs where you are doing manual labor for minimum wage, this job has you doing manual labor for minimum wage with your friends. The amount of hatred you and your peers share for your boss brings you closer together and the job sucks just a bit less.

So go out! Find your perfect job and earn yourself some money. Working 12 hours a week may be tough, but I’m sure you can do it. And it will all be worth it when you get your paycheck and have enough money to buy whatever you want. As for me, I’ll be playing with my rocks.

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The Secrets Of A High School Relationship

Note To The Reader:  I started this article at the end of last school year, and have been working on it on and off for the past few months.  It is so long that I have cut it into two sections, the second one of which is still not finished.  I apologize if this article is not as funny as it should be, because I feel that some parts are rushed.  If you are not pleased with this writing and think that you know better than I do, then please feel free to email me your attempts at comedy.

Today I am, to the best of my ability, going to break down, analyze, and thoroughly investigate the complicated and complex subject of high school relationships. Many people have tried to depict this intricate topic, but have failed to do so properly (i.e. they favored the women). I vow to painstakingly explain every detail and every idea that flows through each sex’s head in a high school relationship (HSR), and I will do so in a completely unbiased and neutral way in order to truly make the men look like superheroes. Throughout the passage I will try to add bits of comedy. Please do not think that I am doing this for your benefit; I’m doing it so that I don’t get frustrated and start yelling. I feel that I am best suited to explore these multifaceted relationships because I am robust, well-educated, and I use words like “multifaceted.”

Normally I stay out of the drama in relationships and don’t discuss them at all. I believe that high school relationships are childish and fake, and I have said that I will only date older women who work at Hooters. But this idea was brought upon me when I found myself in the middle of a very intricate scandal. I am going to attempt to explain this situation to you not because it is necessary; I just want you to get a glimpse of how elaborate even the simplest high school drama is:

It all started out when Boy A broke up with Girl A without giving her a reason as to why. The day they broke up, Boy A approached me and proposed a “trade,” parse. He said that I can have full permission to hook up with his ex-girlfriend, Girl A, if I would give him “the rights to” another girl, Girl B. Girl B and I are friends with benefits, and if I agreed to the offer I would stop hooking up with her and start going after Girl A. I accepted the offer because Girl A and I had been hooking up before she went out with boy A, and in my personal opinion, Girl A is much hotter than Girl B. I agreed to the trade, made my move on Girl A, and hooked up with her a week later. Normally I would have had to wait two weeks as to not break The Man Code, but since the trade was proposed on me, I had the green light. I later found out that Girl A was using me to get over Boy A, as well as make him jealous. This didn’t faze me because I was getting as either way.

A week later, Girl A found out that Boy A had made a move on Girl B, and that Girl B admitted to liking Boy A. This angered Girl A for a few reasons:

1. Boy A was getting over her faster than she was him
2. Boy A wasn’t getting jealous
3. Girl A and Girl B are best friends

In The Man Code, it is unacceptable to go after a friend’s ex without full permission. It is even more improper to do this in the girl world, where you are forbidden to go out with, hook up with, show feelings toward, speak to, or look at your friend’s ex. Playing even more into the equation is the fact that Girl B is a whore (hence her hooking up with me) and besides liking Boy A, she also likes Boy B, Boy C, and Boy D. Boy A does not know this, nor does he know that I am still hooking up with Girl B; making me Boy E (for Excellent).

Because Girl B made a move on Boy A without Girl A’s consent, Girl A now hates Girl B. Normally people hate each other it is due to a long family feud, a strong town rivalry, or because that person killed your father. However, in the girl world, taking your friend’s ex is the most intolerable thing that could ever be done, could possibly result in execution. But rather than confront Girl B about her disapproval, Girl A keeps the problem on the down low and just talk about Girl B behind her back. This is called not starting drama (more on this later). Lastly, Girl A thinks that I am only hooking up with her in anticipation of a future relationship, where in reality I have five other girls just like her. And if she ever finds this out she will kill me.

So in this relatively small and nonviolent commotion that pales in comparison to other high school relationships, we have a total of six dirty whores, five horny guys, four twisted relationships, three jealous attempts, two pleasured boys, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Thank You.

The first thing to know before anything else is discussed is that all girls think they’re perfect. What I mean by this is that no matter how stubborn, narrow-minded, or smelly a girl is, she is convinced that every know human on the earth is dieing to touch her. These girls are most easily spotter giving what I call “the innocent shrug” and saying “you love me” to a guy who obviously wants to hit her. The innocent shrug is when the girl shrugs her shoulder(s), tilts her head upwards and to the right, and looks diagonally right. Girls in this position think that they are the most adorable creatures in the world, and use the innocent shrug in every picture they take (example). And even though all girls hate the way they look, they strongly feel that there loveable personality will subdue any guy she wants. Ironically, it is the complete opposite; it is the girl’s snobby, falsely innocent, bullshit attitude that makes them so disgusting, and the only reason guys talk to them is because they have D Cups.

Of course, there are girls that do not like another girl’s attitude. These girls are called “bitches.” When you know a girl who is a “bitch,” you never talk to that girl ever again, and the only time you look at them is to give them an evil glare. Every girl in high school has roughly five hundred thousand “bitches” that she hates. Girls will become bitches for reasons so insignificant it’s actually painful. I know a girl who never talks to another girl because she wore the same color dress as her to a Sweet 16 birthday party. It makes you wonder how many wars we would be in if women ran this country:

President: WE ARE GOING TO WAR WITH KENTUCKY!

Advisors: But ma’am, Kentucky is our own state!

President: I know! But Kentucky representative had the same purse as me at the last State Of The Union. She must die.

Advisors: What a bitch!

The only positive things that can be found in girls’ stuck up, I-can-do-anything-I-want-and-get-away-with-it-because-I’m-wearing-a-low-cut-shirt (sadly, scientists have failed to disprove this theory) attitude—which I have cleverly patented as The Bitch Effect—is that if you see a girl who has it, you can be certain that she is a whore. The reason these girls act so innocent is so that guys will not think that they hand out. Once again, the irony is that The Bitch Effect is the main sign of a high school slut—along with every other word being “like.” However, in the rare case that a girl with The Bitch Effect is not a whore, you want to make sure to steer clear of her because she will put you in The Friend Zone, make you help her with her problems, never hook up with you, then get jealous of other girls, make you de-friend them in order to gain her approval, lead you on for five months, then hook up with your BEST FRIEND and say that you’re like a brother to her so she could NEVER like you!!! WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH, I DON’T NEED YOU!!! I’M DOING FINE WITHOUT YOU!!!

Phew, sorry about that. What I’m trying to get at is that when it comes to friendships, girls are a bad idea. In high school, the only reason guys are friends with girls is to increase their chances at hooking up with them. Girls, who would you rather bone: a random kid who caught your eye in the hallway and might have given you his phone number after 2 minutes of conversation, or a guy who you’ve known for months and has helped you with your problems? Exactly, you would choose the friend because you trust him. Which leads me to the heroes of this relationship: The Guys.

Being a man is not a privilege. It is not a blessing or a gift; it is a right. Once you are a man, you are always a man—with the exception of Lance Armstrong who is half a man, and Andy Dick who is a queerbag. Your manliness can not be revoked (unless you are granted The Pussy Award) nor can it be repressed. Only two things can significantly affect your manhood:

1. Wearing Gucci glasses
2. A brutal skateboarding accident

Likewise, only three things can socially change in man’s manliness

1. It can be strengthened
2. It can be weakened
3. It can go undercover

Since the third reason has nothing to do with high school relationships, involves a wig, and is the entire plot of Sorority Boys, I am going to focus on the first two. As you may have guessed, both reasons revolve around girls.

A guy’s manliness can be increased via girl in two ways. He can either maintain a steady relationship with a hot girl or he can hook up with multiple girls’ most of which must be good looking. The latter of the two is called macing (pronounced: mack-ing) and it is useful for a while, but in the long run things tend to get complicated because people view you as a womanizer. Whatever that means.

Most people view macing as the equivalent to pimping. You have a bunch of girls that do whatever you want whenever you want and will only ask questions after they swallow [their food]. But macing is no easy walk in the park. You can’t just choose a bunch of girls and expect them to pleasure you; this isn’t Laguna Beach. You must be absolutely sure that the girls have no idea they’re being maced. If a girl finds out that she is one of many, you will never have any chance with her again and she will tell all her friends that you are shallow, heartless, and a womanizer. To prevent this, try to select girls that do not talk to one another; preferably from different cliques or even different grades. My friend Johnny was infamous for macing girls from different towns and two from different states. Unfortunately, John was soon sent to a juvenile refinement center on charges of armed robbery, grand theft auto, and “being a womanizer.”

I don’t want to sound like the entire plot of John Tucker Must Die but what he did works. He chose girls that never spoke to each other, and convinced them individually that they were his favorite. Yet, if you’ve ever watched the movie, you’ll see that John Tucker made the big mistake of actually hooking up with each girl in the hallway. In a real high school, this would be impossible to do because the bitch would make you late for class. But if you meet with each girl independently, you would be able to pull off the greatest macing of all time. Because that’s what us womani- I mean men, do. Also, when selecting a girl to mac, make sure to base most of your decision off of a girl’s Bitch Effect. If you feel that you can withstand the constant bitching of five different girls, select chicks with high Bitch Effects, which will, in turn, result in sluttier girls. But if you have a low tolerance obsessive whining, girls with low Bitch Effects are more your style. Be aware, however, that if you are too much of a pussy to handle any bitching and complaining, I suggest dating a nun.

Macing is recorded as 75% effective given you follow the rules. And rule number one is to not get too greedy. If you get greedy and talk with too many girls, they find out and you get in trouble. What you want to do is have a handful of girls you constantly keep track of (making sure that every girl is under the impression that the other girls are “just friends”), and then occasionally pick up a stray. I know that this makes you sound like a shepherd herding sheep, but scientists say that the intelligence levels are basically equal, which makes it okay.

The number two rule of macing is to actually call the girl. You’re in high school, stop pussy-footing around texting and IMing (although both those work too); each night call a different girl. Make a calendar and post it up on your wall to remind you—just make sure to take it down if they come over. Talking to the girl on the phone is also a key opportunity to test your tolerance for a girls’ Bitch Effect. If you feel that “Oh My Gawd today Jessica actually tried to talk to me,” sends you into convulsive seizers, try to dull down the bitchy girl and slowly work your way up. While on the phone with a girl joke around with her and playfully make fun of her. Just make sure that you that you that you love her. This will feed into her Bitch Effect and convince her that you like them, where in reality you just want to touch her and could honestly care less about her well-being. The great thing about being on the phone with a girl is that if her Bitch Effect gets too extreme to handle, you can “lose connection” and go play video games.

If you feel that macing girls is too much work, but would still like to increase your manliness, you could go for the more civil—although less fun—form of relationship: being a boyfriend. Whereas macing involves multiple girls that must be evenly entertained, being in a relationship involves only one girl. And while macing runs many risks (girls finding out, forgetting to call a girl, accidentally mixing up names, etc.), the only main obstacle in a real relationship is rumors.

Rumors, for those of you just entering high school, the real world, or anything involving women, are things that girls make up when they overload on their Bitch Effect. What happens is, one girl doesn’t like another girl due to the fact that the second girl doesn’t think the first girl is perfect; hence making her a bitch. The first girl will then get so upset at the other girl that her Bitch Effect levels begin to rise dangerously high. If the first girl does not find a way to release all the pent up bitchiness insider her, her head may actually explode with forces scientists describe as “the biggest fucking thing ever.” But instead of discharging this anger by simply telling the girl that she hates her, the first girl will decide that she “doesn’t want to start drama” and will tell another girl, who swears not to tell anyone. And because all girls are scheming, backstabbing liars, the third girl will tell the second girl that the first girl hates her. As you see, the irony continues when girls chose “not to start drama,” because upon finding out that Girl 1 hates her, Girl 2 will burn down her house. Don’t worry though; everything will be set straight with a simple innocent shrug.

In a relationship, many rumors will be cast from girls who overdosed on their Bitch Effect. The stories will range from someone cheating on their partner to someone having Hepatitis B. A rumor’s sole purpose is to break up the couple so other jealous girls can get the guy. Girls take rumors very seriously, whereas guys don’t care as long as they get ass. But let it be forewarned that the second a rumor interferes with a man’s ass-getting, watch out. If a couple is strong enough to overcome the harsh rumors of high school, they will happily prosper up to two months longer than a regular couple, which, in high school terms, is equal to 50 years of marriage.

What you have just read are the two ways men can increase their manliness through the use of women. Let’s recap:

1. The dude can mac many different girls and be a known hero among his guy friends without any girls knowing anything is happening because if one girl finds out the rest of America will know within hours.
2. The guy can enter a relationship and deal with one girl’s bullshit for the rest of eternity.

Next, we will talk about how a man’s manliness can be weakened through girls. I warn you, the following is not for the weak stomached, and I suggest you ask younger children to leave the room. Whenever a man wants to destroy his masculinity, he will—this is your last chance to look away—befriend a girl. I have many friends who are girls, and I think they will be honored to hear that I want to kill each one of them with my bare hands.

I don’t know why guys become friends with girls. I don’t know how guys become friends with girls. No one does. A man will just be talking to a girl about how school went, he’ll temporarily black out, and when he comes to he’ll find himself watching a movie with the same girl. Then it will hit him: he’s in the friend zone. Guys and girls don’t watch movies. They use movies to cover the sounds of their moaning. The only time a guy and girl don’t hook up at the movies is if they are “Just Friends” or if one of them is spewing lava—and even then the guy might make a move.

Oh sure, the guy will still be friends with the girl in a small glimmer of hope that she will change her mind. But she won’t. She’ll just keep talking to him in a lust-less tone, telling him how her day was and—even worse—letting him know who she likes without a care as to what it does to the guy. The worst part about being stuck in the Friend Zone is that you still have to put up with the constant bitching from the girl but you don’t get any ass to compensate for it. And no matter how long you wait, the Friend Zone is permanent. She will never touch you; it would make it “too awkward.” Instead, she will torment you for years until you finally admit your feelings for her, and then she’ll say that she used to like you, but those times are gone, and then she’ll avoid you for a few days because things are “awkward” and then I TAKE A CHAINSAW TO THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!

Whoops, another outburst, I promise it won’t happen again. Now that I’ve discussed the two—three if you enjoy torture—types of relationships with girls, let’s divulge into why people go into these relationships. After all, the only things that come from high school relationships are drama and premature pregnancies, so why would anyone want to partake in one? The answer, my friends, is image.

High school is all about image. The way a person looks, the way a person dresses, and the way a person acts all play extreme roles in a student’s figure. And depending on what a certain person’s image is, specific things will be assumed and expected from their peers. For instance, let’s take the stereotypical high school jock; the football quarterback known throughout the school. Without talking to, learning about, or even seeing this kid, you automatically assume that a) he gets all the girls, b) he gets bad grades, and c) he is capable of crushing you. It is the kid’s image (his “title”) that lets you know everything you need about him. And when you do see him, his girl fan base, dumbass vocabulary, and refrigerator-like structure only feed into the illustration that a) he’s been laid more times than God, and b) he can’t count past 10.

Likewise, a person’s image plays into their ever-changing social status. Sticking with the football jock example, this kid is an icon of the school. He is popular with the ladies, the leader of the guy pack, and his reputation transfers into other towns. In order to maintain this image (an image this kid may or may not like), the quarterback has to do things that strong, manly men like him do in high school like, for example, fail English. Once the school finds out that this kid failed out of a class that includes a language everyone speaks, it will build the retard-who-can-throw-a-ball-fifty-yards image (AKA: A football jock) that he has set for himself, and it will exceed everyone’s expectations. Similarly, if this same football player was ever found, hypothetically, crying during The Notebook, he would immediately ruin his reputation, causing his image to be damaged not only throughout his school, but in other towns too. If his town was known for worshipping such a pussy, they would be laughed at by everyone! The humiliation put on the town would then transfer back to the football player, and his social status would be lost forever. This could, in turn, lead to a series of cataclysmic events that alter the progress of the future. The kid that once had such charm with the ladies could be labeled as a pussy, causing him to stop trying to impress girls. Time that was once spent towards flirts would be dedicated to studying, during which the guy would read about San Francisco. Spending money that would once be used on beer, the ex-football player would travel to the city and witness a Gay Pride Parade. It would be then that the student realizes that even though he spent his entire life being homophobic and narrow-minded, he was actually gay!

As you can see, even the smallest thing can ruin a person’s image and turn them from an all-powerful jock into—in extreme cases—a prancing cheerleader. Of course, this is all a hypothetical situation; no football player would ever cry during The Notebook. They prefer The Titanic.

In high school dating, the social image that comes with a boyfriend or girlfriend is massive on both sides. For a guy, an image can be raised if he dates a hot girl, or if he macs multiple hot girls, and for a girl, an attractive guy is essential to increase social status. In these relationships, both the boy and the girl depend on each other for raising their school image—which is usually what keeps them together:

Guy 1– Dude, I just found out that Cindy is cheating on me with two other guys, and he has been using me for my money for the past two years. I forgave her when she crashed my Lexus, but now that she’s broken into my house and stolen my mother’s jewelry I can’t help but feel mad at her.

Guy 2– Why don’t you just break up with her?

Guy 1– Because she’s fucking hot!!!

An impression amongst couples can be raised if the couple is having sex, not cheating on each other, overcoming powerful rumors, or if they are just together for a long time. Similarly, their image can be harmed if the partners cheat on one another, go on and off for months, fights a lot, or if one of them kills the other. In terms of social status, a relationship is the fastest way to either increase or decrease the way people view you.

However, it isn’t that simple. As well as each partner depending on the other for social security (not in the old people way), an HSR is a give and take. Where one person benefits from a certain situation, another is hurt. It is sort of a battle in which one partner tries to strengthen his public appeal by harming the other person’s image. For instance, if the guy decides to cheat on the girl with an agreeably hotter girl, his status is raised while the girl’s image is damaged. Many will say that this is not true because the guy has then labeled himself as a “cheater,” but in high school that really means nothing. If one dude has cheated on 80% of his girlfriends, any girl will still go out with him granted that he is hot, he has money, and promises the girl that he loves her. Of course, girls don’t want to admit that, so they have to temporarily isolate that man, pretend to hate him for cheating, and mark him as a “womanizer.” After a few weeks of this the girls forget about how much he hurt their friend, and resume giving him handys in the bathroom.

Along with using a high school relationship to boost your social image, an HSR can also be used to maintain a certain appeal. Many girls not only get a boyfriend because they need someone to call them perfect all the time; they also get one to appear like less of a whore. In the girl community, whores are looked very down upon. They are labeled as trashy, improper, and are considered a bad icon as to what women should be viewed as. Little is it known that all women are whores, even the ones who condemn the idea of it. It is just that when you get a boyfriend, hooking up with him no longer makes you a whore, but instead you are labeled as a “good girlfriend.” You may be having an equal amount of sex—if not more—than a so-called whore, but because you are doing it with a boyfriend you are not considered a slut. This is why becoming a boyfriend is a much easier way to get ass; every single girl is a whore, but some would rather do it with a partner.

Of course, there is always the small risk you run of getting what is called in Arlington as a “frost.” I personally thought that this was an international term, but my friends in Belmont told me otherwise. A “frost” is a word to describe a girl who does not hook up. Ever. She will not go to any base with anyone due to an unknown reason that varies from frost to frost. These are usually the bitchiest girls of all, and will stop at nothing to point out that they are clean, saintly little angels and that everyone else is a gross and rotten slut who is going to hell. Essentially, a frost is the high school equivalent to a nun. Generally frosts are scared that their angelic image will be shattered if they were to hook up with anyone and that she will be labeled as a whore. Little does the girl know that if she has a boyfriend (or perhaps, a best friend), she will not be considered a slut. This is why the girl needs to get up off her fat ass and read this site and stop messing around with everyone and grow up and ACCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITIES THAT COME WITH MATURITY AND STOP ACTING CHILDISH YOU FUCKING BITCH. I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL AFTER I BOMB YOUR HOUSE!!!

The knowledge that a relationship is a portal to a girl’s body brings us to the number one reason guys end up in an HSR: to get ass. Scientists estimate that 89% of a man’s decisions are based off of whether or not he will get as. Clothing styles, music selection, and even mortgage payments are all carefully calculated to see if the end result will involve a naked girl. So when choosing a partner, the guy seriously weighs his options as to how hot a girl is (which will gain him social points) and how much she hands out (which will gain him pleasure points). Oh sure, we say that we selected our girlfriends because of their “personality” and “how nice they are” and “how real she is,” but that is crap. The chick could be part of the Taliban and kill your family and you’d still hang out with her because she hooks up with you. The girl may be enthusiastic or energetic or whatever stupid word you use to describe her, but that’s not why you went out with her. You chose her because she was the hottest girl who would touch you.  Keep in mind, though, that a sluty girl will most likely carry a high Bitch Effect, in which case you should save yourself the pain of constant complaining by stabbing her in the face.

This completes the first half of my high school relationships hand book, and I hope that you visit soon to see the other half in which I discuss what happens while you’re in a HSR, how most of them end, and the aftermath of such a horrible break up. If you are not clear on any of the facts I just told you, or you disagree with anything I just said, feel free to leave a comment or IM me to complain. Just keep in mind that I am a professional comedy writer and you are just a retard who reads my posts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch The Notebook.

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Filed under AIM, Comedy, funny, Joke, Jokes, Movies, School, Sports

How AIM Can Decide What Type Of Person You Really Are

Today I have an AIM profile quote that my brother emailed me. It was in this 8th grade girl’s profile and I’m not quite sure what it means, but I will tell you a main thing that I gained after reading it: liver cancer.

There are different types of people in this world.
First there are the bitches- they just don’t have a life so they go around creating drama for entertainment.
Then, there are the whores.. pretty self explanitory.
Third theres the liars. These could be possibly a mix of the other two above; and everyone hates liars the most. You could probably name at least one person that you know of who used to be a friend who’s a liar now.
The last type of people are the chill people. These people are your best friends.

Please ignore the misspelling of “self-explanatory,” the improper use of a semi-colon, and the overall headache enforced by this worldly saying. I kind of, sort of get what this girl is hinting at—mainly that everyone who isn’t her friend is a lying bitchy whore—but I do feel that she left out some main categories of people in the world. That is why I have built off of this pathetic profile quote in order to make it the complete list of different types of people in this world.  Please note that if you do not fall into one of the catagories, you are not human.

Mountain Bikers– These are the people who won’t stop bragging about how cool their bike is. Oh wow I get it, you’re bike weight 14 ounces and you once road it up a hill, here’s an award.

Co-Pilots– They just sit in a cramped chair all day hoping that the pilot doesn’t die. The only time they see any action is during take off and landing, and even then they don’t do the real important stuff. The only cool co-pilot was Kareem Abdul Jabar in the movie Airplane. So unless you’re 7 feet 2 inches and won 6 MVPs, you’re job sucks.

Myspace HaversThese could be possibly a mix of the other two above; and everyone hates them the most. You could probably name at least one person that you know of who used to be a friend who’s got a Myspace now.

The People Who Invented Go-Gurts– Congratulations, you made it so that kids don’t have to look like dumbasses going to school with yogurt. That doesn’t mean you’re cool. (okay maybe it does).

People Who Watch Will & Grace– .. pretty self explanitory.

Cocaine Dealers– These are the people who threw their life away, ignored education, the law, their church, and their parents, yet still make more money than teachers, police officers, and priests. Nice life lesson we’ve learned there.

MTV Show ProducersThey just don’t have a life so they go around creating drama for entertainment.

Led Zeppelin Fans– Cool, you like the music of the band that plays Stairway To Heaven and a bunch of other drowsy songs. You’re much better than everyone else on this earth and should be worshipped. NAHT.

The last type of people are The Jackasses. These are the people who will do anything for a laugh, even if it results in them breaking a bone or losing a girlfriend. They have no life morals and generally think with their dicks. They can never be trusted and will at any point smack you in the balls. These people are your best friends.

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Filed under AIM, Comedy, Myspace

Bizzoony.com Is An Overrated Piece Of $h*t

AIM is a huge part of my life. I think it plays a major role in most middle school, high school, and even college social lives. People use it to keep in touch with friends far away, it enables you to talk to multiple people at a given time, and it also allows you to talk dirty to a girl without her knowing who you are. With AIM, awkward situations are eliminated, social lives can be saved, and—most importantly—you can talk dirty to a girl without her knowing who you are.

I am such a big fan of AIM that I am signed up on their email list. Now, thanks to them signing me up without my consent, I get a daily email showing me what new plugins I can download to surf the net on my wristwatch. Just last week I received an email entitled (and this is true) “ROTFL With Funny Uncut Video” that showed a hilarious clip of this old woman walking her dog. After viewing the film I could not help but LOL and LMAO while ROTFL and PAOTF. Every week I gratefully except these emails and thoroughly search them for vital information that will assist me in my social life. And when I don’t find any, I delete them.

Today I got an email with the subject reading “Stay In Touch Wherever You Are.” Reluctantly, I opened the folder and saw an article titled “Computers Are Overrated.” I thought it was a little strange that an industry based off of a computer would be calling them overrated, but I read on. And I’m upset that I did. The first sentence read “Being a couch potato may get a bad rap, but there’s nothing wrong with it in the IM world.” Ahh yes, the IM World. A mystical land where rainbows and butterflies dance wildly across the flowery fields and frolic with unicorns. A world where a couch potato is treated like royalty while the overachievers are discouraged and deemed “hooligans;” a world where smelling good is merely a preference and where everything logical is overrated. The prime minister of IM world is the biggest couch potato in the world! Many argue that he isn’t even human and may in fact be a genetically altered potato! In IM World, real people are overrated.

The article continued, “stay in touch with your buddies in real time right on your cell phone, without leaving the comfort of your bed, your car . . .” Granted, you can only stay in touch with your friends if they are also in the IM World, otherwise your phone bill could reach estimates of fourteen zillion dollars. But it doesn’t matter because you’re in IM World!!! In the IM World, phone bills are also overrated. In the IM World it is encouraged to be the scum of the earth! Not only is there nothing wrong with being a lazy fat ass, but you are encouraged to loot, rape, pillage, and steal as much as possible. In the IM World, everyone’s a winner!! Just don’t leave your couch.

Because I’m such an adult, cultivated, and generally mature person, I spend the majority of my Friday nights talking to middle schoolers online. For some reason these kids get a hold of my screen name (probably because I regularly post it up on this site) and feel that it’s alright to talk to me. Don’t get me wrong; I appreciate people talking to me online and commenting about how they like my site. I just despise it when little kids keep talking to me thinking that their life in interesting enough to entertain me.

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: yo

RandyQuenchVFM: Hey, do I know you?

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: ur site kix @$$

RandyQuenchVFM: Do you mean that my site kicks ass?

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: yeh

RandyQuenchVFM: So why did you say “@$$”?

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: my parents dunt want me swearin

RandyQuenchVFM: So, hypothetically, if I were to curse, you wouldn’t be able to talk to me anymore?

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: yeh

RandyQuenchVFM: Fuck.

RandyQuenchVFM: Shit

RandyQuenchVFM: Tits

RandyQuenchVFM: Bitch

RandyQuenchVFM: Asshole

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: dnt do that ur a luzr

RandyQuenchVFM: Ball Sack

As you can see, I will do anything it takes to get rid of these middle schoolers. Because if I don’t, I will find myself in the middle of a conversation about how much their life sucks in 6th grade. Generally the guys are cool, and they try to share stories about how they hooked up with the hottest chick in their school. But since, they’re only in 7th grade their complacent stories are more like, “yeah, and then when she was tying her shoe, I looked at her boobs.” Whoa, slow down there Ron Jeremy. What I hate the most about talking to these kids is how they intentionally abbreviate their words. A word like “because” is not hard to spell; it’s seven letters. There is no need to go “bcz” or “cuz,” just spell the damn word. Likewise, “your” and “you’re” are tiny little words and do not need to be substituted with “ur.”

But it’s not even that. It’s kids who deliberately take the time to abbreviate things just to say cool. For 11 years of his life a kid was taught to spell the words “What Is Up” correctly. Then in 6th grade he gets AIM and he’s suddenly going sup, wuz up, tsup, and, my personal favorite, wats ^. I know for a fact that these words are less convenient to type because I was one of those retards searching for the up arrow in order to ask what’s up in a cool way. That is why I have no friends and manage a poorly written blog.

Lastly, if your parents find some way to check your AIM conversations and discourage you swearing, don’t even try to swear. If you’re mad at someone, tell them to go away. Don’t go and act tough while censoring yourself because it doesn’t seem very threatening when your conversation is like this:

iuzed2runtrak: kiss my @$$

ilistn2gunit247: Go screw urself

iuzed2runtrak: ur a piece of $h*t

ilistn2guni247: Shut the heck up u B%&@#

iuzed2runtrak: Go to H-E-Double hockey stick!!!

I think that is really all the beef I have with AIM. Besides the fact that it controls the majority of our lives and without it we would have approximately three friends; but that’s just a minor detail. So if you walk away from this post with nothing else, just remember these three things:

1. In the IM World, there is nothing wrong with being a couch potato.
2. If you’re a middle schooler, a very immature high schooler, or just someone who likes to complain a lot, under no circumstances should you ever IM me.
3. Computers are overrated.

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Filed under AIM, Comedy

Touched By An Aiken

Once in a lifetime, a person gets the opportunity to do something amazing; something that they may never be able to do again and will remember for the rest of their life. These close memories include graduating high school, getting married, having a child, and talking to a pedophile.

Statistically speaking, there are over 146,000 pedophiles located in your house. They hide in your cabinets, dressers, sofa cushions, and closets, waiting for you to go to bed so that can beat off on your face—leading to the infamous saying, “go to bed with gum in your mouth, wake up with cum in your hair.” And even though these men are all around us, we rarely see them, let alone talk to them. Hell, they could be your neighbor, teacher, parent, or even priest, and you would never even know. Oh sure, there is the occasional molester who gets recognized for a retarded talent they barely possess, like, for example, Clay Aiken. If anything, Clay Aiken has taken pedophilia to the next level by writing a song about it! His one hit wonder, “Invisible,” was released in 2003, a few months after losing American Idol to a big sweaty grizzly bear. The song is a vocally active ballad talking about a crush he has on a secret lover, most likely a young child. Here are a few lyrics taken from Clay Aiken’s song, “Invisible”:

Whatcha’ doin’ tonight
I wish I could be a fly on your wall

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room

Wish I could read what goes through your mind
Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life

If that’s not enough proof to put this man in jail for being the most pedophilic person alive, then I don’t know what is. “Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life”?!? What the hell man!?

Although everyone knows who Clay Aiken is, few have actually talked to him. It is very rare to talk to a child molester, and if you do talk to them, it’s very hard to tell them apart from regular 40 year old wierdos. A huge problem of this being Myspace.com, which surprisingly only lasted a few years, and has since decreased. Myspace allowed people to talk, message, watch, and share pictures with thousands of pedophiles, all the while thinking they were 14-year-old boys. Luckily, the amount of Myspace users has dwindled down to nothing, because America as a whole has matured greatly over the years, and we now like being stalked via Facebook.com.

I have talked to a pedophile. I have laughed with a pedophile, and I have been invited to a pedophiles house. Only I didn’t contact this molester through Myspace or Facebook; I conversed with him/her through the next best thing: AIM. Here, we discussed many important topics such as where I live, how old I am, where (s)he lives, how old (s)he is, and if (s)he was willing to pick me up from school to hang out.

Not to worry, it’s not like I told him the truth. In fact, according to the pedophile, my name is Sedoc Rab (“Bar Codes” backwards) and I live in Harrison, Maryland and I’m 17 years old. And, according to him/her, she is 16 years old, lives in New York, New York, and is willing to have sex with me for money. The guy/girl who wanted to do the molesting was very convincing, except for the undeniable fact that (s)he forgot one detail: Girls never want to hook up with guys. It is always the guys that are forced to do the pressuring and convincing to hook up. At no point in your life has a girl ever approached you and gone, “hey do you want to hang out after school? My parents aren’t home and I know where my dad hides his condoms.” It is always the guy who is forced to trick the girl into hanging with him, so you can understand why I was a little suspicious when I had this conversation with him/her:

iiMaTeEnAgEriiSwEaR987: hEy

RandyQuenchVFM: Hey, who’s this?

iiMaTeEnAgEriiSwEaR987: Kriisten, who’s this?

RandyQuenchVFM: My name’s Sedoc Rab, how did you get my screen name?

iiMaTeEnAgEriiSwEaR987: iiDk, ii tHiiNk mii cOuSiiN gAvE iiT tO mE

RandyQuenchVFM: Who’s your cousin?

iiMaTeEnAgEriiSwEaR987: Rachel

RandyQuenchVFM: I don’t think I know her. Where do you live?

iiMaTeEnAgEriiSwEaR987: ny ny u?

RandyQuenchVFM: Maryland

iiMaTeEnAgEriiSwEaR987: how old r u

RandyQuenchVFM: 17, you?

iiMaTeEnAgEriiSwEaR987: o00o iim 16 :-*

RandyQuenchVFM: Are you hitting on me? For all I know you could be a tuke chick that smells like diarrhea.

iiMaTeEnAgEriiSwEaR987: lmao rofl lol roflmao

RandyQuenchVFM: You wouldn’t even be able to see me, you live mad far away

iiMaTeEnAgEriiSwEaR987: id drive down to see you

RandyQuenchVFM: Really? You weirdo

iiMaTeEnAgEriiSwEaR987: yeah especially since youre hot :-*

RandyQuenchVFM: What the hell? You don’t even know what I look like! And how come you’re not talking LiiKe tHiiS aNiiMore?

iiMaTeEnAgEriiSwEaR987: lmao rofl lol roflmao

This continued on for a few minutes until I finally just came out and yelled “I KNOW YOU’RE A 40 YEAR OLD WHO WANTS TO TOUCH MY PENIS!!!” and then (s)he stopped talking to me. Too bad though, because it would have been cool to have a pedophile as a friend, especially if it turned out to be Clay Aiken.

Something I’ve been wondering:

I have groups on my AIM buddy list labeled Kids, Younger Kids, Family, and WTF?!?! (people I don’t know). What are the groups labeled on a pedophile’s buddy list? A few guesses are:

Kids I’ve Touched
Kids I Haven’t Touched
Boy Who Think I’m A Girl
Girl Who Think I’m A Boy
Myspace Victims
People I’m Going To Kill After I Rape
Family

If you are a child molester, or know one, please help me answer this question because I don’t think I’ll be talking to this pedophile again. In fact, I doubt I will ever talk to a pedophile again seeing as how a) I will never meet Clay Aiken, and b) I don’t live in Los Angeles. I’m just glad that I have fulfilled one of my many lifelong goals. Next goal: to get chased through a crowd of people naked, all the while getting chased by all of my pissed of friends who are carrying iron weapons (sort of like Jackass, only my friends will beat the crap out of me if they catch me).

Regardless of your race, sex, intelligence or religion, I highly suggest getting hit on by a pedophile. I guess it’s just always good to know that you’re hot enough to seem attractive to the people who are at the bottom of the social chain. Like, for example, Clay Aiken.

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Filed under AIM, Comedy, Myspace