Category Archives: Movies

If The Twilight Series Was Written By A Dude

Chapter One: First Sight

Bella exits the baggage claim of Washington to and hesitantly waves to her father standing behind the gate. His smile engulfs his face, each cheek fighting for space against his gap-toothed smile. “Here we go,” Bella rolls her eyes.

Suddenly, a shattering of glass spurs screams across the terminal. A crowd falls to the ground as a vampire leaps across the station, tackling Bell to the ground. Her father’s shock is over swept by chaos, and a stampede to exit the area drags him away from saving his daughter. The vampire’s light brown hair and marble skin glisten in the sunlight. Bella looks up to stare into the golden eyes of her attacker, his impossibly beautiful features staring at her as she is wrestled to the ground.

Within a flash, seven more vampires explode through the doors, bursting by security and surrounding Bella. The first vampire bears his fangs and bites Bella’s neck. The piercing pain triggers a scream from Bella, but she finds herself quickly paralyzed in fear. One by one, the vampires rip her limbs off, chewing on them with ferocious savageness. Bella feels the darkness seep into her mind, her eyes slowly closing and death erasing the pain.

One of the vampires rips through Bella’s stomach, blood squirting all over the cannibals. He rips out the liver, and gorges into it. His family shuffles through the inner organs, tossing aside what appears to be a baby. From the fleeing crowd appears a werewolf, his four claws digging into the tile floor and his snarling mouth dripping saliva. He rushes to the fetus, licking the blood from its unborn head before taking a bite from its body. The unformed innards of the infant ooze onto the waxed floor.

THE END

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Do Not See Twilight

Like always, I ended up getting dragged to another stupid girl movie with my girlfriend. First it was Hairspray, then it was High School Musical 3, and now it was Twilight. The movie theater was PACKED and any time something touching or slightly more emotional than our normally bland lives happened the theater would erupt with squeals of delight. “Awwww,” they would sigh. “He loves her so much he would not suck her blood!” Yeah, that’s a fantastic relationship.

Which brings me to my next point: why the hell does everyone think the character Edward is so hot? My friend Jill is like “Oh my god I’m going to marry him,” and after the movie my girlfriend got mad that I’ve never called her “my world.” You know why I don’t call her my world? Because a moon doesn’t revolve around her, and if a massive meteorite were to strike her life would still go on.

You know, you could have just taken me out to dinner and a movie

You know, you could have just taken me out to dinner and a movie

For those of you who don’t know who Edward is, he is the vampire in the movie that the main character, Bella, falls in love with. The first time they meet he not only gives her the cold shoulder, but refuses to speak to her; even asking to switch out of his science class when they’re assigned partners. Apparently he doesn’t realize that there’s a difference between playing hard to get and degrading your partner to the point of humiliation. And even though he asks like a total freak and blinks four times throughout the entire movie, girls are all over him. He doesn’t even show his hot body! For all we know he has three vampire nipples that drip blood!

Also, why does a vampire bite have the same affect as a snake bite? Why must the venom be sucked out, and why does it have a burning sensation as the victim convulses in pain? The writers of the movie clearly didn’t watch Dracula as a child, and made the reaction of a vampire bite look less like turning into a blood-drinking corpse, and more like someone being awoken to “Who Let The Dogs Out” by Baha Men.

While watching the movie, I turned to my two friends and started to ask questions like the ones above, but they were so engulfed in the fantasy of true love that I never got an answer. So I’m asking them here. This post was originally going to be a list of questions I had during the movie that I was unable to ask my friends, but it is now a warning to all guys to never see the movie Twilight. I don’t care if your girlfriend wants you to take her, and I don’t care if the girl you really really really really want to bone is dying to see it. It is the biggest waste of money in the whole world, and everything about the movie sucks. There is no plot, no rising action leading to a climatic ending, and the script was clearly composed of the director handing out ripped pages from the book 30 seconds before shooting.

Do not see Twilight. Take her to a good movie and make her watch Twilight on her own. Insist that she reads the book again, that will buy you time until it comes out on DVD. Do not see Twilight, do not see Twilight, do not see Twilight.

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Darth Gotti

Now that I am taking a journalism class at my high school, I have been taught to think twice and see through just the cover of a person. This training has made me realize one very, very power thing that I believe could, possibly, change humanity.

Darth Maul is Guido. Just his appearance proves it:

The spiked hair (or, in Maul’s case, spikes for hair), painfully blatant tan, lip-gloss, and overall douchebaginess lead me to continue my research and further investigate. It turns out that other things prove Darth Maul’s disgusting Gotti image. First off, he is notorious for being the “implacable killing machine” of the Dark Side, which relates to Guido’s overly aggressiveness towards anyone who dares taught their blowouts. Next, take a look at Darth Maul’s weapon: a double-bladed lightsaber. Surely a man of his power doesn’t need such an eccentric weapon, similar to how Guidos don’t need all that hair gel, makeup, or jewelry. Clearly, both people are compensating for something that isn’t quite as “double-bladed” like, for example, their tiny dicks.

Lastly, after doing some research on Wikipedia, I realized that Darth Maul later comes back after being killed by Obi-Wan Kenobi. Even though his torso was cut off at the end of Episode I, Maul comes back stronger and faster than ever 3 years later. This is very similar to Guidos who, no matter how hard you punch or kick or smash, will always come back tanner, more gelled, and gayer.

And if you still don’t believe that Darth Maul was an unwanted Guido who was sent to ruin the Star Wars series and pollute the Galactic Clubs, just look at this photo my investigative research has obtained:

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A Man-Eating Clover In The Field Of New York.

A while ago, I was bored enough to watch “Cloverfield”, a movie that was so poorly reviewed by my friends you would have thought it was a “Land Before Time” sequel. I watched the movie because I had nothing better to do on a summer night and I wanted to see if this movie was truly as bad as people said it was. To be honest, I liked it.

For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, it’s your regular Oh-my-God-something-is-destroying-New-York film, only this time instead of being shot by professional directors and cameramen, it is filmed at the hands of incompetent hippies fresh out of college. This revolutionary “1st person filming” makes the movie much more thrilling, but gives you a headache very quickly. On multiple occasions I found myself gripping the sides of my chair with excitement, only to realize that I was having a minor epileptic seizure due to the shakiness of the camera. Also, you find it really hard to feel pity for or make connections with characters that are such assholes. There’s no football jock who wants to do good in the world; it’s just some prick who can only think about getting laid, even when a city is collapsing around him. I felt it hard to take pity on an incoherent idiot whose can only deal with trouble by following his friends and asking “Did you just SEE THAT?!”

The movie starts out in, of course, New York, where a group of friends are throwing a going away party for a friend who is off the Japan. Then, during the middle of the party, a massive explosion occurs. Everyone evacuates the apartment building to see the Statue Of Liberty’s head thrown into the street.

Excuse me, Ms. Liberty? You cant parallel park there past 11.

Excuse me, Ms. Liberty? You can't parallel park there past 11.

From that point on, the movie is completely the same as every disaster movie. You are then part of a trio of friends stumbling amongst the wreckage of New York, trying to save peers and evacuate the chaos—with one exception. It’s exactly like being a character in of all the Aliens-Attack movies we’re used to (“Independence Day”, “Mars Attack!”, “War Of The Worlds”, etc.), but only if every five minutes your character added nominal commentary and asked stupid questions.

-“Rob, what time do the choppers take off?”
-“Zero Six-Hundred”
-“What Time is that?”
-“6:00”
-“I knew that.”

With such assholes working the camera and characters you wouldn’t mind seeing painfully die, the beginning of the movie seems almost impossible to withstand. But after a while you get used to the “I’m so scared” bullshit these people feel the need to add, and you get into the action. Also, you get introduced to the most mystifying monster exposed to the public since Britney Spears forgot to put on underwear. It’s part bat, part lizard, part whale. Little lice-like aliens drop from it and scatter around town, so even a place like the subway systems isn’t safe. I’m not sure if my understanding is correct, but after you are bit by these massive insects, you . . . explode?

Nonetheless, the monster seems unbeatable, yet is still unidentifiable. The mysteriousness behind the body structure and source of origin leaves people thinking “could this thing attack my city?” The answer: No. Not at all.

One part I would like to introduce in the movie is towards the end when the kids attack the monster, and you are introduced to the best one-liner in movie history.

Scenario: The protagonists have just boarded a military helicopter and are evacuating New York, leaving the monster in their dust. On command, a military plane drops bombs on to the city below, directly hitting the creature. The monster lets out a defeated roar and collapses to the grounds of already-ruined New York. Good Guys 1; Douche bag Monster 0.

Now, usually in a movie when the good guy kills the bad guy in a magnificently crafted murder, he says a beautifully inserted line that sums up the amazingness of the movie. This can be seen in any James Bond, Die Hard, or film staring Clint Eastwood. After hearing this badass one-liner, you know that the bad guy got what he deserved!

In “Cloverfield”, the line is a bit different. Instead of a masculine hero who risks his life to save gorgeous girls and flaunt his toned body, you have three terrified college idiots who just pissed their pants when their apartment caught collapsed. Hence, the line is less badass, and closer to something a drunken fan would scream after a touchdown during a college football game:

“YEAH YEAH YEAH THAT’S THE SHIT RIGHT THERE!!”

Then comes the most predictable part of the movie: the monster jumps back out the dust (no doubt dissatisfied by the one-liner yelled after his defeat) and smashes the helicopter to the ground. The once-cocky hero is now transformed back into a quivering sack of vagina, praying to God as the helicopter plummets. Video:

On a scale of one to ten, I would rate “Cloverfield” a 7. I was going to give it a 6, but the truth is that the movie actually gets you involved. I was actually gripping my seat, and I was legitimately excited to see what would happen towards the end of the movie. However, the shaky camera work eventually backfires, and I feel that the movie would have been better presented if it had not been filmed atop a bobble head. Go see the film if you want, and don’t think that I ruined the ending for you because I didn’t. Just remember that whenever you’ve killed something evil, to please scream something better than “YEAH YEAH YEAH THAT’S THE SHIT RIGHT THERE!!”

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Generation X Missed The Millennium

For the past two weeks I’ve worked as a counselor at one of the most popular camps in my town. As a kid, everyone in Arlington has done it and it is a great way to make friends. In the three years I was a camper, I made some of my best friends I still have today, and counseling these children allows you to watch these friendships take hold.

On Friday, we counselors were discussing memories of us growing up with some of the kids. For instance, kids around the age of 16 most likely remember “Doug”, the original Nickelodeon television show. Doug Funnie, the main character, would share all these crazy escapades with his dog Porkchop and his friend Skeeter. These shows unfolded into “All That”, “CatDog”, “Rugrats”, “Hey Arnold”, and “Rocket Power”—all shows that literally changed my life. Talking to these 12-year-old kids, I realized that they missed this entire wave of entertainment and were stuck with shows like “Drake and Josh” and “Zoey 101”. These shows are good, but they didn’t have Tommy Pickle or Squid.

This discussion got me thinking about the inner secrets of all these shows, things that I didn’t pick up a child. Case in point is “Hey Arnold,” a show that we thought involved kids all getting together and having fun. Now, at the age of 16, I can see that those kids were growing up in the projects of New York. In many episodes the empire state building can be seen in the background, and the towns name is Hillwood. These kids lived in boarding houses, demanding rent and playing stickball. When’s the last time you’ve seen rich preppy kids in Connecticut play stickball? Maybe on their Xbox 360s, but never in the dirty streets like the kids in the show.

In one episode of “Hey Arnold,” it was so hot out that the schools were closed. Arnold lay on his bed listening to the radio list off the schools that were closed. His school, PS118, is not only a school in New York, but the sound of a very poor school. What kind of school name is “Public School 118”? Why not something more original? Martin Luther King, George Washington, Ben Franklin; the list goes on and on of famous people to name your school after. Before I was old enough to figure out the hintings of a poor neighborhood, “Hey Arnold” stopped airing on Nickelodeon.

Here stand the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Only there were five of them. And they didnt have horses, they had microphones.

Here stand the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Only there were five of them. And they didn't have horses, they had microphones.

The topic then slid over to music, and that’s when I got upset. None of the campers had ever heard of the band Limp Biscuit, and half of them had no idea what band Justin Timberlake was in. Can you imagine a time when kids don’t have Backstreet Boy or N Sync albums!? To date, those two pop bands have produced a song for every emotion I have ever felt, and not being able to have that seems unfathomable. When I was sad, I had Tearing Up My Heart and Crawling Back To You. When I was in a good mood, there was Dirty Pop and I’ll Be The One. What do kids listen to today? Danity Kane? Skanks. Lil Wayne? Incomprehensible. The world needs another boy band, and I’m not talking about the bullshit P. Diddy “makes” on MTV. None of those men were on the Mickey Mouse club, and none of them will produce the music that the Backstreet Boys released.
The only thing coming close to a “boy band” are the Jonas Brothers, who I will admit are musical gods (When You Look Me In The Eye has changed my life), but none of them are old enough to produce the quality music that N Sync had. When’s the last time the Jonas Brothers made a song about it being Friday night and just getting paid? Never. Besides, until they make a song about triple-teaming Jamie Lynn Spears, they’re pussies in my book.

Also, can you imagine this generation’s perception of Britney Spears? These kids were maturing just as this pop star’s career was plummeting, and they never heard her true hits. Oh sure, her Blackout album is good, but it doesn’t have hits like Toxic and Not Yet A Woman that made her career. I was in shock when I realized that these kids have never seen how beautiful this star was before her downfall. They know Britney Spears as a bald-headed, crotch showing alcoholic who lets her baby drive.

So for a generation of kids who has missed Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, The Spice Girls, The Backstreet Boys, and N Sync, who is there? Two words: Miley Cyrus. Can you believe that the 16-year-old bimbo they call “Hannah Montana” is what these girls aspire to be? Personally, I’ve found it impossible to listen to her music without wanting to dance, but her image is just infuriating. Also, the fact that the tabloids are waiting for her to mess up so they can post her picture all over Us Weekly is a recipe for disaster. And when Hannah Montana’s run is over (T-Minus 2 years), who’s going to pick up where she left off? All the pressure on one girl might force her to do something crazy like pose half-naked at the age of 15. Oh wait.

Musically, the time has passed. Nothing will get better than the Backstreet Boys. Ever. I want all the kids younger than 13 reading this article to download N Sync’s “No Strings Attached” and the Backstreet Boy’s “Millennium” albums. Then come back here and tell me how much cooler songs were 5 years ago. And once we’ve agreed on that, you can play stickball with me and Arnold.

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Whatever Happened To That Kid On Made . . .?

A long time back I talked about how a kid at my school named Colin Colt was on MTV’s MADE to become a rapper and now I rap battled him to get on TV. For those of you who didn’t get to see the show, I had probably a 20 second cameo in which I busted the ill rhymes and made Colin my bitch. There was luckily someone recording it in the crowd so you guys can get an unedited version of the battle:

Colin went first:

The kid who screamed “MADE” in the beginning was my friend Joe, who was determined to make the videos obsolete with outbursts of profanity. Colin’s hit line “at least I don’t go to parties, get drunk and hook up with guys” is based off a massive school-wide rumor that I went to a party, got drunk, and got a hand job from a gay kid. This of course, is not true, but my friends and I still joke about it and, of course, I still get shit for it. Colin’s second big hit (“. . . go around dancing, while checking around for dateline’s Chris Hanson”) is because before I had a girlfriend I was notorious for hitting on younger girls. Not because I thought they were hot, but because most of the girls in my grade looked like if you touched them they’d be sticky. However, Colin slumped towards the end, studdering some oddly brokeback line: “that would put me on top of you.”

I retaliated:

My lines are self-explanatory, I just made fun of Colin and how goofy he is. On the aired TV show they only showed the last ten seconds, only since it had to be edited it went like this:

“Colin I know I diss you and that’s just ‘cause I’m the meanest
‘Cause in the dirty game of rap you’re definitely the cleanest
So overall, I hope there’s no real beef between us
And if there is then *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*”

At first I thought my 15 minutes of fame had passed with the show. When I got hired at work, I had to rap battle a few kids there, and of course I was asked on the streets to bust a few freestyles. I complied with all these requests, but mainly just to boost my ever-growing ego. One things that struck me as freaky was when one guy was pulling out of a parking lot, slowed down his car, and said “Hey aren’t you that kid from MADE?” I couldn’t help but feel like a star. For a while, I was a superstar. A Z-List celebrity, but a celebrity nonetheless.

And then I thought it was over. Aside from having a good story to tell and being the life of my family reunions (“Grandma! I beat this kid in a rap battle by telling him to suck my fucking penis!”) I thought my eminence was over. And then I got the call.

It was my last day of finals at AHS, and I went up to the room where my girlfriend was taking her test. When I got there, the teacher, who I rarely talk to, called me aside and said she needed to talk to me in private. We went out in the hall and closed the door and she half-whispered:

“The principal got a call from a producer at Nickelodeon who saw you on MTV. She said that she’s looking for kids to be on a TV show and when she saw you she thought you looked the part. The principal is waiting for you in his office with the lady’s phone number and all that.”

I went down to the office, got the phone number, and called the lady. When I mentioned that my name was Alex she didn’t remember me, saying that she saw me as “Boony” and assumed that was my real name. We talked for a while and she said that she was told to look for—and I quote—“A Justin Timberlake look-alike.” To this I laughed in her face, saying that I look more like JT’s dog than him. Let’s compare:

The lady asked me to send her a few pictures along with a resume about my abilities. Talent-wise, I have nothing. I can play two and a half songs on the piano, I can juggle, and I can say the alphabet backwards. Unfortunately, the show I’m auditioning for isn’t about a dyslexic piano playing juggler, it’s about a boy band. I sent her the pictures, and she called me and asked me to come out to New York for an audition the next day. Feeling rushed and unorganized, I immediately found a replacement for work, told everyone I saw, and went to bed early. And by “went to bed early” I mean stayed up all night predicting my future career.

The show she was doing was apparently about a boy band—hence me needing to be able to sing, act, and dance. Unfortunately, I can only sing in the shower and dance whenever we’re acting goofy during a techno song. As for acting, I think the extent of my performing arts talent is displayed whenever I need to stay home “sick” from school. My character on the show, whose name was “Donovan”, was the lead singer of the band and was described as having “enough music and dance stuffed in his soul that he could carry the group on stage by himself.” This is ironic, because if I got the part, I would most certainly be the retarded member of the band who just flails around and acts retarded (also known as Lance Bass).

On the phone, the lady told me I had to read a script and sing a song. Immediately, the song I thought of was Afternoon Delight as sung by Will Ferrell in “Anchorman”. But the lady made it clear that the producers were expecting a Backstreet Boys or N Sync song, limiting my options. Luckily, I still own the Backstreet Boy’s “Millennium” album on cassette, so selecting a song wouldn’t be so difficult. The only challenging part about singing a Backstreet Boys song became the fact that I’m painfully tone-deaf. Regardless, I selected I Want It That Way and started practicing.

Now normally, when an actor prepares for a roll, they do intensive research. Tom Cruise spent months learning Japanese to star in “The Last Samurai” and Christian Bale lost over 60 pounds to make a lasting performance in “The Machinist”. I, on the other hand, had less than 24 hours to practice for my audition, so my preparation consisted of me gelling my hair.

I went with my friend Adam to Nickelodeon Studios in New York City, taking a five hour bus trip there. When I got to New York, I could sense the smell of opportunity, hope, and gonorrhea. I decided that if I ever lived in New York, I would most certainly get stabbed to death. My friend, however, was a natural in the big city, pushing through crowds and aggressively cutting off traffic. I personally think New York City is disgusting. I think everything smells like a garbage truck drove by, and everyone seems like they just ate shit. When I wasn’t maneuvering around shoulders, I was trying to dodge traffic. I later found out that in the Big Apple, most traffic lights are optional. So is courtesy.

My interview with the Nickelodeon was the most disappointing thing ever. I went into the studio, signed in, and sat on a bench for five minutes. I was then called into the studio, asked to read the script, and sing the song. I honestly wish they could have showed people how horrible I sang, because it would have made William Hung look like Michael Bolton. Total, my time in front of the camera look less than two minutes. I’ve seen cows get slaughtered slower than that. Disappointed, my friend and I took a bus back home, spending a total of $100 each in the whole day.

Was it worth it? Yes. If I hadn’t taken the opportunity I would have been kicking myself for letting such a big chance go by me. But I now know that I can’t sing, act, or dance, so when the next opportunity arises I’ll be able to better predict the outcome. I guess I’ll just have to stick to being the best rapper in the school. Nickelodeon, I have no problem with you, and I hope there’s no beef between us.

And if there is then *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

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Building The Perfect Woman

I was reading one of my favorite comedy sites the other day when I stumbled across an article about ideas a writer had but never really completed for whatever reason. One of them that caught my eye was “Building The Perfect Woman,” and I liked the idea. I figured if he wasn’t going to write it, I’d give it a shot. In a past post I gave you my list of the three hottest women, but that was where it stopped. I never considered which celebrity had the hottest kneecaps or finest eyelids, or what combining them would look like. Also, I figure that the girl world already has John Cena and Orlando Bloom, so constructing the perfect woman would only level the playing field.

I guess we’ll start from the bottom:

To being we’ll select feet, which I believe are obsolete because only podiatrists and men with weird fetishes like feet. Also, most women take such good care of their feet that it doesn’t matter whose you pick, but for the point of argument I’m going to take Missy Elliot’s because any feet that was withstand that much weight without exploding must have super powers.

Next are the legs. For those I chose Paris Hilton. No, I didn’t choose her legs just because they’re easily open-able (swing and a miss), but because it was the only part of her I could choose. When selecting legs, you don’t want thunder thighs that will take up an entire seat, but you also don’t want scrawny little twigs that snap if you rest too heavy a purse on them. Paris Hilton has no attractive qualities besides her legs, but only if you give them a thorough cleaning before-hand—maybe it’s just me but I think everything on Paris appears sticky.

I chose the waist of Victoria Beckham, not only because she was the 5th hottest spice girl but because I wanted to go European. In a country of fake tits and nose-jobs, Posh Spice has continued to amaze us with her slim body. Granted, the rest of her appearance is butt-ugly, which is why we’re only stealing her waist.

For the butt I didn’t think twice about Shakira. If you’ve watched any of her music videos and seen her spin her ass around like she was winning a pillow-fight you’d agree with me. Shakira appears attractive until she opens her mouth and her Columbian vocal chords punch you in the face. Nothing against the Latin-American culture, but I think a woman rolling her R’s and talking to me in the same language my Spanish teacher cursed at me for six years is unattractive. Also, Shakira is 31 years old, so I thought we should include her on the list before all that beauty starts sagging.

For the stomach I took Briana Evigan, also known as the girl from Step Up 2: The Streets. Although the movie was lacking (it’s unbelievable how producers think they can make a movie sequel successful by putting “The Streets” at the end of it and making it more “hood”) the six pack of Briana was amazing. My girlfriend and I joke about how if she works hard enough, she could get a stomach as hot as Briana’s but we all know that’s not true because Briana doesn’t order four sides of french fries every time she goes out to eat.

Continuing up we reach the controversial part of the woman: the breasts. A woman’s boobs are very personal and private, which is why talking about them is so fun. Chesticals play a major part in a woman’s appearance, and selecting from the array of celebrities seems like searching for a needle in a haystack. Luckily, I was a kid brought up on music videos and the internet, so it didn’t take me long to decide that Maria Carey’s “display” was good enough for our lady. They’re big enough to be seen without needing to be pushed and smashed and Wonder-Braed, but not too big as to scare young and timid men. Other substitutable chests include Halle Berry in Swordfish and Courtney Cox in The Longest Yard.

The face of this perfect woman (who, while writing, I have decided to name “Christina Harmony White”) I went with Jennifer Love Hewitt, but I substituted her eyes for those of Megan Fox. I’m still waiting for the day when Megan Fox gets really angry and lasers shoot from her eye sockets and burn a hole in the wall. Jennifer Love Hewitt, on the other hand, has the puffy, rosy cheeks and quaint nose to tickle any man into a good mood.

Next: hair. In a girl I either like my hair straight as a board or unpredictably wavy, but for the benefit of all men I went with Lindsey Lohan’s old hair. In movies like Mean Girls and Herbie: Fully Loaded most guys couldn’t follow the plot due to the distracting attraction of Lohan’s luscious hair. Unfortunately, she then cut it, dyed it, and became lesbian, making her the only celebrity in American history to become less attractive when seen kissing another girl.

Lastly we must select Christina Harmony White’s personality. Anyone who is my close friend knows how much I hate girl’s personalities, and at first I was considering choosing the die-hard, freedom-fighting, baby-stomping mentality of Chuck Norris to fit our Perfect Woman, but the decided against it because even though a woman who could kick my ass is attractive, a woman who could shove a telephone pole through my appendix isn’t. So I went one step down from a combative man: a lesbian. These women don’t care about what guy likes them or if they’re being used for sex, they just want to have short hair and drive SUVs. So I chose our Perfect Lady to have the funny and peppy personality of Ellen Degeneres. Not only is Ellen funny and positive, but she has her own TV show.

So, after sampling a little bit off of every hot woman, let’s see what Christina Harmony White would really look like:

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

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