Why Girls Go To The Bathroom Together

Note To The Reader: My parents are always telling me that my website is getting in the way with my school work. This is of course 100% true, seeing as how instead of taking notes in class, I spend my time writing stories about who is the whitest black person. When I wrote this article, my dad thought that I was studying for my English final, and I was. And even though this article is completely irrelevant to my English class, I also managed to sneak in a few of my vocabulary words to help spice it up a bit. The words are as follows: obsolete, decrepit, vociferous, solace, ominous, cogent, indomitable, supercilious, finite, presumption, disheveled. Feel free to call my retarded for having 4th grade vocab words. Now back to the story.

When I read comedy books like Dave Barry Talks Back I see that much comedy can be obtained from news articles as well as personal experience. In fact, the first story from Dave Barry is from Mars and Venus, Dave reflects on how he and his co-worker (who he protected the identity of by addressing him only as “Dan Le Batard”) went synchronized swimming. The article itself is hilarious but an even funnier picture is that of two 40-year-old men flailing violently in the water in a drastic attempt to survive.

My point is that in order to become a successful comedy writer, I am going to need to write about more than how stupid Goths are or how fun snow days can be. And since my life is a boring abyss filled with mediocre activities and repetitious schedules, I am forced to look upon the news.

I really don’t like newspapers. The small print and flimsy paper make them an inconvenience to read and if you even though about handling one your fingers automatically become covered in black crap. You’d think that in a time when men strut across the moon and cell phones fit in your ear, we would be able to discover some sort of newspaper ink that doesn’t destroy your hands. But until that point, I insist on getting all my news from TV and school gossip (“Oh my Gawd Jessica, did you hear that President Bush vetoed the abortion amendment again?!” “Scandalous!”).

Something I do read regularly, however, is Arlington High School’s own newspaper; written for the kids by the kids. It is called The Ponder Report (named cleverly after our school’s fierce and terrifying mascot, a Spy Ponder) and it is released every few months to update students on what’s going on in school. Headings like “Ms. Bouris Demanded Back” decorate the paper, as well as articles written by less educated writers titled “You Got Served Was Good Movie.” Regardless of who the publishers are or what they write, The Ponder Report gives students the chance to write what’s on their mind and gives AHS a sense of community. But more importantly, it allows students to exercise their right to freedom of the press, which is the only amendment Arlington High still grants its students.

Last week I was reading The Ponder Report when I saw an article written by Kerry Flynn. Kerry is in my Spanish class and I think I speak for everyone when I say that her educational structure is “lacking.” Yet even though her foreign language skills aren’t as strong as mine, she is quite the columnist. Kerry wrote an article titled “Bathrooms Look for Help” talking about the pitiful bathrooms in AHS. But before I make fun of Kerry’s editorial, I must first enlighten you on Arlington High School’s bathroom situation.

In a sentence, the AHS bathrooms would best be described as “not there.” The school itself has roughly 15 scattered throughout, but only four or five of them are actually unlocked. The other ones remain unused due to plumbing problems, electrical difficulties, or morbid amounts of vandalism. But! Little do people know that one day this year, a once-locked bathroom in one of the halls became mysteriously available. Hastily, I relieved myself in my new-found restroom to find that there were no chipped sinks or dented stalls; there were no shattered mirrors or carved walls. Oh sure there was a bit of destruction by some Led Zeppelin fans, but other than that the room was flawless. So if the bathrooms aren’t locked due to technical problems, why would the school close them? I have two theories:

Reason 1: The Phantom Pooper. The Phantom Pooper is not a myth. There is actually a kid who goes around Arlington High smearing the walls with his own feces. It happened six years ago, and a copy-cat vandal has continued the legacy. Last year I was approaching one of the rare unlocked bathrooms when a kid exiting it stopped me and warned, “look out for the shit on the ceiling.” I was hoping that by “shit” this kid meant something along the lines of a dripping pipe or a crumbling ceiling title, but when I walked in and looked up I was amazed to see that there was actually—and this is true—human feces smeared on the roof of the bathroom. Granted, it could have been human feces covering the ceiling (I hear camel crap is on sale at Wal-Mart), I’m really not sure. All I’m certain of is that the bathroom smelt horrible and I was scared to open my mouth.

Reason 2: Jim Stevens. Jim Stevens is not a student at Arlington High School. He is not a teacher, substitute, or even a creepy janitor. Yet even though he’s not a real person, his name is EVERYWHERE; especially in bathrooms. Jim Stevens is basically an alias. If you get in trouble, you say your name is Jim Stevens and then run away. The teacher will think that you’re a hooligan who writes on bathroom stalls, and you’re real identity remains veiled. And if any of the kids who support Jim Stevens can correct me on this presumption, please feel free to correct me by spray painting the real reason on a wall.

Those are really the only logical reasons I can think of as to why AHS would close their bathrooms. They’re scared that if one of the restrooms becomes unlocked, in a course of five hours it will be smeared in poop and have JIM STEVENS RULES all over it. Kerry Flynn did mention the troublesome task of locating an open bathroom at AHS, but she seemed to be more concerned about a problem I and most of the male students were completely unaware of: The Girl’s Room.

Most men, myself included, view the Girl’s Room as a lounge women visit to get away from guys. We envision it as a large space with high ceilings and good lighting, sparkling floors and marble sinks. Most girls don’t deny these rumors for one sole reason: they’re greedy bitches bent on satisfaction through deceptive lies. They figure that if we think their bathrooms are better than ours, we will treat them with respect. Us men, however, have already eliminated this entire idea by swearing never to respect a woman unless we owe them money or want to bone them. And since women are too blinded by their own arrogance to figure this out, they continue to lie about their bathroom situation like saying that they have a couch and Lazy Boy chairs

Thankfully, Kerry didn’t beat around the bush in her award-winning article and she directly addressed the equality of the disheveled bathrooms by saying:

First, there are only several bathrooms in the school, which have locks on the doors that work. For instance, on the third floor, there are several stalls that do not lock. A person trying to use the bathroom needs a friend to hold the door shut.

There it is fellows. The truth. We now know why girls go to the bathroom in groups of 17. They don’t mischievously gossip about their date/boyfriend/weight/missed period etc., they simply help one another crap.

Girl 1: Are you almost done in there? My arm is getting tired.

Girl 2: Oh shut up and stop complaining, I’m almost done. Just hold the door closed.

Girl 1: I think the rust on the door is getting under my nails and staining the bracelet Debbie gave me.

Girl 2: Oh my God, did you hear what Debbie did to her mom’s car?

Girl 1: No, and I really don’t care. My wrist hurts from holding the door and I want to leave.

**Girl leave the bathroom and rejoin their dates at the table**

Guy 1: What were girls doing in there?

Girls: Oh, just . . . talking . . . *giggle*giggle*

Once again, the girls use the art of trickery to try to out-rank the man their role in the relationship. They make the men think that they were gossiping about them when they were actually helping the other person crap. You lying whores.

Next, Kerry mentioned the amount of graffiti in the schools:

While using the bathrooms, some people find it necessary to post whom they “love” or whom they “hate” on the walls. What is even worse is that people respond to the postings and there are sometimes responses to [those] postings. Unfortunately, these acts of vandalism are constant and very costly.

Oh yeah Kerry, it’s unimaginably expensive to have people clean off a bathroom wall. It’s not like we have people we specifically employ to keep our schools clean, oh no! We must be forced to hire a high-class cleaning team to rid our restrooms of graffiti and that could cost the school thousands of dollars which would, in turn, raise taxes. They’re called janitors dumbass.

What Kerry “Dumbass” Flynn was referring to was the type of graffiti found in Middle School bathrooms. This form of personal expression was used in 7th grade when a deep feeling of lust for a specific person (also known as a “crush”) could last for up to 6 days! In my school everyone was also to keep track of the finite crushes by taking a trip to the restroom and reading the wall. The wall was a place where love-struck 7th graders carved who they loved into the stall. Periodic amendments and additions in the wall kept every bathroom-goer at the peak of social gossip.

High School bathrooms are not filled with cute little hears or supercilious rebuttals, but are stricken with indomitable statements and cogent ideas, the majority of which are racist. In my two years of high school experience, I have seen my fair share of vandalism, but my favorite must be one I read this year in the second floor bathroom which read:

Snitches get stitches

“Snitches get stitches” is a famous statement at AHS. It may seem confusing, but it is simply a less verbose way of saying that people who rat out others get beat up. Essentially, a “snitch” is the high school version of a tattle tale. And when people in Arlington claim that snitches get stitches, we are simply saying that we wish we were black. Normally an ominous statement like that would go unnoticed by other people, except for addition another student made:

Snitches get stitches shot where I’m from

Uh-oh. You what that means: someone in Arlington is carries a gun. Or worse, someone wants us to think that he carries a gun where in reality he listens to Ashley Simpson. No one Arlington has ever shot anyone. Not once has a snitch gotten stitches, shot, or even hit. The only solace someone can find in reading this vociferous vandalism is that you now know that you have a bigger penis than that kid.

Lastly, Kerry was ballsy enough to bring up the extremely controversial subject of bathroom hygiene. She reported:

My final issue with the facilities in this school is the lack of toilet paper, paper towels, and hand washing soap.

It is very true that the majority of the AHS bathrooms have little—if any—toiletries. On many occasions students have had to deal with their unwiped asses by cleaning it with their homework, trying to shake it out over the toilet, or—on a rare occasion—smearing it all over the walls. I do not suffer from this problem on account of my Universal School Bathroom Code.

Universal School Bathroom Code– If you take a crap in the school bathroom, you’re a queer and should be pelted with baseballs.

Because of this rule, I have never pooped in a school bathroom and therefore have never had to deal with wiping my ass (but if I was ever faced with the dilemma, I would probably use a freshman).

The hand-washing dilemma is always hard in public schools because most kids find unprecedented humor in pasting paper towels to the wall by suing hand soap. Although this does decorate the restroom with a comforting beige mood, it decreases the supplies for actually cleaning yourself. And while girls are up in arms bitching about how they need softer cloth to dry their delicate fingers, men have eliminated the hygiene problem by just not washing our hands in general. Our care-free method saves us time and lets us get back to class sooner in order to receive a getting education. We don’t fritter away our time locating the sink, turning on the decrepit faucet, washing our hands, trying to word those obsolete hand-blow-dryer things, and then leaving. It’s simply shake, zip, leave. Kerry made a specific point to target people like us:

It is disgusting to know people can not wash their hands properly after using the bathroom. Not only are their hands dirty, but they then touch a door handle, a desk, a text book, and hundreds of other students also come in contact with these objects after.

This may be true Kerry, but you’re one to hypocritically point fingers seeing as how more than enough dirty hands have touched your “door handle,” something that hundreds of other students have also come in contact with. [BURNED]

Even though I rag on Kerry, she is right. School bathrooms need to be taken better care of. Everyone knows that you can’t prevent students from vandalizing restrooms, but you can make an effort to clean them more. Routine check ups by janitors would bring attention to missing toiletries and broken stalls. We need to take a stand. We should make signs! We should sign petitions! We should REBEL! Start destroying broken toilets, flood clogged sinks, and carve the name of every crush you’ve ever had on the walls! We will riot until our demands are met! And when the authorities ask who we are, we’re Jim Stevens.



Filed under School

11 responses to “Why Girls Go To The Bathroom Together

  1. alana

    NICEEE post =]

    by the way

    and this is true—human feces smeared on the roof of the bathroom. Granted, it could have been human feces covering the ceiling (I hear camel crap is on sale at Wal-Mart), I’m really not sure. All I’m certain of is that the bathroom smelt horrible and I was scared to open my mouth.


  2. Yes! The second this story was posted I have had a dozen IMs of people questioning my story. There was actually human crap on the ceiling of the bathroom. I was just fortunate enough that the previous kid had warned me of it. In fact, as I was leaving the bathroom another kid was entering, but I decided I’d let him find out for himself.

  3. tim

    make another damn post

  4. Hey Tim, why don’t you calm the hell down. It’s the summer; go out and play. Get the hell away off your damn computer, and especially get off my site. If this is all your doing this summer, join a camp.

    I’ll let you know that I just came from Italy, which is what my next post is about.

    P.S.- Tim rhymes with “Dim” which is Italian for retarded.

  5. kerry

    boony, how come you never told me about this site?

  6. Kerry, I never told you because I make fun of you!!! Hahaha I’m glad you found it and I hope you read more.

  7. Amie

    Lol, that’s a great post. <3<3 Haha, it’s speaks the truth.

  8. commies

    i love the bathroom graffitti part, i believe the “Mighty Ducks was ok” part was unspired by Demetri Martin.

  9. Really interesting entry to hang on.. Im truly amazed with this post. Looking for more info.

  10. Jim Stevens

    Hey guy, have you ever heard of spell check and grammer check. I little inteligence goes a long way when your trying to “burn” someone.

  11. our door handles broke easily that is why we are now using tempered steel or tempered bronze`:.

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