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ENVY

I usually don’t post up random stuff that I think is funny, but while surfing the net I saw possibly the funniest picture in the history of mankind.

 

 

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The Secrets Of A High School Relationship

Note To The Reader:  I started this article at the end of last school year, and have been working on it on and off for the past few months.  It is so long that I have cut it into two sections, the second one of which is still not finished.  I apologize if this article is not as funny as it should be, because I feel that some parts are rushed.  If you are not pleased with this writing and think that you know better than I do, then please feel free to email me your attempts at comedy.

Today I am, to the best of my ability, going to break down, analyze, and thoroughly investigate the complicated and complex subject of high school relationships. Many people have tried to depict this intricate topic, but have failed to do so properly (i.e. they favored the women). I vow to painstakingly explain every detail and every idea that flows through each sex’s head in a high school relationship (HSR), and I will do so in a completely unbiased and neutral way in order to truly make the men look like superheroes. Throughout the passage I will try to add bits of comedy. Please do not think that I am doing this for your benefit; I’m doing it so that I don’t get frustrated and start yelling. I feel that I am best suited to explore these multifaceted relationships because I am robust, well-educated, and I use words like “multifaceted.”

Normally I stay out of the drama in relationships and don’t discuss them at all. I believe that high school relationships are childish and fake, and I have said that I will only date older women who work at Hooters. But this idea was brought upon me when I found myself in the middle of a very intricate scandal. I am going to attempt to explain this situation to you not because it is necessary; I just want you to get a glimpse of how elaborate even the simplest high school drama is:

It all started out when Boy A broke up with Girl A without giving her a reason as to why. The day they broke up, Boy A approached me and proposed a “trade,” parse. He said that I can have full permission to hook up with his ex-girlfriend, Girl A, if I would give him “the rights to” another girl, Girl B. Girl B and I are friends with benefits, and if I agreed to the offer I would stop hooking up with her and start going after Girl A. I accepted the offer because Girl A and I had been hooking up before she went out with boy A, and in my personal opinion, Girl A is much hotter than Girl B. I agreed to the trade, made my move on Girl A, and hooked up with her a week later. Normally I would have had to wait two weeks as to not break The Man Code, but since the trade was proposed on me, I had the green light. I later found out that Girl A was using me to get over Boy A, as well as make him jealous. This didn’t faze me because I was getting as either way.

A week later, Girl A found out that Boy A had made a move on Girl B, and that Girl B admitted to liking Boy A. This angered Girl A for a few reasons:

1. Boy A was getting over her faster than she was him
2. Boy A wasn’t getting jealous
3. Girl A and Girl B are best friends

In The Man Code, it is unacceptable to go after a friend’s ex without full permission. It is even more improper to do this in the girl world, where you are forbidden to go out with, hook up with, show feelings toward, speak to, or look at your friend’s ex. Playing even more into the equation is the fact that Girl B is a whore (hence her hooking up with me) and besides liking Boy A, she also likes Boy B, Boy C, and Boy D. Boy A does not know this, nor does he know that I am still hooking up with Girl B; making me Boy E (for Excellent).

Because Girl B made a move on Boy A without Girl A’s consent, Girl A now hates Girl B. Normally people hate each other it is due to a long family feud, a strong town rivalry, or because that person killed your father. However, in the girl world, taking your friend’s ex is the most intolerable thing that could ever be done, could possibly result in execution. But rather than confront Girl B about her disapproval, Girl A keeps the problem on the down low and just talk about Girl B behind her back. This is called not starting drama (more on this later). Lastly, Girl A thinks that I am only hooking up with her in anticipation of a future relationship, where in reality I have five other girls just like her. And if she ever finds this out she will kill me.

So in this relatively small and nonviolent commotion that pales in comparison to other high school relationships, we have a total of six dirty whores, five horny guys, four twisted relationships, three jealous attempts, two pleasured boys, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Thank You.

The first thing to know before anything else is discussed is that all girls think they’re perfect. What I mean by this is that no matter how stubborn, narrow-minded, or smelly a girl is, she is convinced that every know human on the earth is dieing to touch her. These girls are most easily spotter giving what I call “the innocent shrug” and saying “you love me” to a guy who obviously wants to hit her. The innocent shrug is when the girl shrugs her shoulder(s), tilts her head upwards and to the right, and looks diagonally right. Girls in this position think that they are the most adorable creatures in the world, and use the innocent shrug in every picture they take (example). And even though all girls hate the way they look, they strongly feel that there loveable personality will subdue any guy she wants. Ironically, it is the complete opposite; it is the girl’s snobby, falsely innocent, bullshit attitude that makes them so disgusting, and the only reason guys talk to them is because they have D Cups.

Of course, there are girls that do not like another girl’s attitude. These girls are called “bitches.” When you know a girl who is a “bitch,” you never talk to that girl ever again, and the only time you look at them is to give them an evil glare. Every girl in high school has roughly five hundred thousand “bitches” that she hates. Girls will become bitches for reasons so insignificant it’s actually painful. I know a girl who never talks to another girl because she wore the same color dress as her to a Sweet 16 birthday party. It makes you wonder how many wars we would be in if women ran this country:

President: WE ARE GOING TO WAR WITH KENTUCKY!

Advisors: But ma’am, Kentucky is our own state!

President: I know! But Kentucky representative had the same purse as me at the last State Of The Union. She must die.

Advisors: What a bitch!

The only positive things that can be found in girls’ stuck up, I-can-do-anything-I-want-and-get-away-with-it-because-I’m-wearing-a-low-cut-shirt (sadly, scientists have failed to disprove this theory) attitude—which I have cleverly patented as The Bitch Effect—is that if you see a girl who has it, you can be certain that she is a whore. The reason these girls act so innocent is so that guys will not think that they hand out. Once again, the irony is that The Bitch Effect is the main sign of a high school slut—along with every other word being “like.” However, in the rare case that a girl with The Bitch Effect is not a whore, you want to make sure to steer clear of her because she will put you in The Friend Zone, make you help her with her problems, never hook up with you, then get jealous of other girls, make you de-friend them in order to gain her approval, lead you on for five months, then hook up with your BEST FRIEND and say that you’re like a brother to her so she could NEVER like you!!! WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH, I DON’T NEED YOU!!! I’M DOING FINE WITHOUT YOU!!!

Phew, sorry about that. What I’m trying to get at is that when it comes to friendships, girls are a bad idea. In high school, the only reason guys are friends with girls is to increase their chances at hooking up with them. Girls, who would you rather bone: a random kid who caught your eye in the hallway and might have given you his phone number after 2 minutes of conversation, or a guy who you’ve known for months and has helped you with your problems? Exactly, you would choose the friend because you trust him. Which leads me to the heroes of this relationship: The Guys.

Being a man is not a privilege. It is not a blessing or a gift; it is a right. Once you are a man, you are always a man—with the exception of Lance Armstrong who is half a man, and Andy Dick who is a queerbag. Your manliness can not be revoked (unless you are granted The Pussy Award) nor can it be repressed. Only two things can significantly affect your manhood:

1. Wearing Gucci glasses
2. A brutal skateboarding accident

Likewise, only three things can socially change in man’s manliness

1. It can be strengthened
2. It can be weakened
3. It can go undercover

Since the third reason has nothing to do with high school relationships, involves a wig, and is the entire plot of Sorority Boys, I am going to focus on the first two. As you may have guessed, both reasons revolve around girls.

A guy’s manliness can be increased via girl in two ways. He can either maintain a steady relationship with a hot girl or he can hook up with multiple girls’ most of which must be good looking. The latter of the two is called macing (pronounced: mack-ing) and it is useful for a while, but in the long run things tend to get complicated because people view you as a womanizer. Whatever that means.

Most people view macing as the equivalent to pimping. You have a bunch of girls that do whatever you want whenever you want and will only ask questions after they swallow [their food]. But macing is no easy walk in the park. You can’t just choose a bunch of girls and expect them to pleasure you; this isn’t Laguna Beach. You must be absolutely sure that the girls have no idea they’re being maced. If a girl finds out that she is one of many, you will never have any chance with her again and she will tell all her friends that you are shallow, heartless, and a womanizer. To prevent this, try to select girls that do not talk to one another; preferably from different cliques or even different grades. My friend Johnny was infamous for macing girls from different towns and two from different states. Unfortunately, John was soon sent to a juvenile refinement center on charges of armed robbery, grand theft auto, and “being a womanizer.”

I don’t want to sound like the entire plot of John Tucker Must Die but what he did works. He chose girls that never spoke to each other, and convinced them individually that they were his favorite. Yet, if you’ve ever watched the movie, you’ll see that John Tucker made the big mistake of actually hooking up with each girl in the hallway. In a real high school, this would be impossible to do because the bitch would make you late for class. But if you meet with each girl independently, you would be able to pull off the greatest macing of all time. Because that’s what us womani- I mean men, do. Also, when selecting a girl to mac, make sure to base most of your decision off of a girl’s Bitch Effect. If you feel that you can withstand the constant bitching of five different girls, select chicks with high Bitch Effects, which will, in turn, result in sluttier girls. But if you have a low tolerance obsessive whining, girls with low Bitch Effects are more your style. Be aware, however, that if you are too much of a pussy to handle any bitching and complaining, I suggest dating a nun.

Macing is recorded as 75% effective given you follow the rules. And rule number one is to not get too greedy. If you get greedy and talk with too many girls, they find out and you get in trouble. What you want to do is have a handful of girls you constantly keep track of (making sure that every girl is under the impression that the other girls are “just friends”), and then occasionally pick up a stray. I know that this makes you sound like a shepherd herding sheep, but scientists say that the intelligence levels are basically equal, which makes it okay.

The number two rule of macing is to actually call the girl. You’re in high school, stop pussy-footing around texting and IMing (although both those work too); each night call a different girl. Make a calendar and post it up on your wall to remind you—just make sure to take it down if they come over. Talking to the girl on the phone is also a key opportunity to test your tolerance for a girls’ Bitch Effect. If you feel that “Oh My Gawd today Jessica actually tried to talk to me,” sends you into convulsive seizers, try to dull down the bitchy girl and slowly work your way up. While on the phone with a girl joke around with her and playfully make fun of her. Just make sure that you that you that you love her. This will feed into her Bitch Effect and convince her that you like them, where in reality you just want to touch her and could honestly care less about her well-being. The great thing about being on the phone with a girl is that if her Bitch Effect gets too extreme to handle, you can “lose connection” and go play video games.

If you feel that macing girls is too much work, but would still like to increase your manliness, you could go for the more civil—although less fun—form of relationship: being a boyfriend. Whereas macing involves multiple girls that must be evenly entertained, being in a relationship involves only one girl. And while macing runs many risks (girls finding out, forgetting to call a girl, accidentally mixing up names, etc.), the only main obstacle in a real relationship is rumors.

Rumors, for those of you just entering high school, the real world, or anything involving women, are things that girls make up when they overload on their Bitch Effect. What happens is, one girl doesn’t like another girl due to the fact that the second girl doesn’t think the first girl is perfect; hence making her a bitch. The first girl will then get so upset at the other girl that her Bitch Effect levels begin to rise dangerously high. If the first girl does not find a way to release all the pent up bitchiness insider her, her head may actually explode with forces scientists describe as “the biggest fucking thing ever.” But instead of discharging this anger by simply telling the girl that she hates her, the first girl will decide that she “doesn’t want to start drama” and will tell another girl, who swears not to tell anyone. And because all girls are scheming, backstabbing liars, the third girl will tell the second girl that the first girl hates her. As you see, the irony continues when girls chose “not to start drama,” because upon finding out that Girl 1 hates her, Girl 2 will burn down her house. Don’t worry though; everything will be set straight with a simple innocent shrug.

In a relationship, many rumors will be cast from girls who overdosed on their Bitch Effect. The stories will range from someone cheating on their partner to someone having Hepatitis B. A rumor’s sole purpose is to break up the couple so other jealous girls can get the guy. Girls take rumors very seriously, whereas guys don’t care as long as they get ass. But let it be forewarned that the second a rumor interferes with a man’s ass-getting, watch out. If a couple is strong enough to overcome the harsh rumors of high school, they will happily prosper up to two months longer than a regular couple, which, in high school terms, is equal to 50 years of marriage.

What you have just read are the two ways men can increase their manliness through the use of women. Let’s recap:

1. The dude can mac many different girls and be a known hero among his guy friends without any girls knowing anything is happening because if one girl finds out the rest of America will know within hours.
2. The guy can enter a relationship and deal with one girl’s bullshit for the rest of eternity.

Next, we will talk about how a man’s manliness can be weakened through girls. I warn you, the following is not for the weak stomached, and I suggest you ask younger children to leave the room. Whenever a man wants to destroy his masculinity, he will—this is your last chance to look away—befriend a girl. I have many friends who are girls, and I think they will be honored to hear that I want to kill each one of them with my bare hands.

I don’t know why guys become friends with girls. I don’t know how guys become friends with girls. No one does. A man will just be talking to a girl about how school went, he’ll temporarily black out, and when he comes to he’ll find himself watching a movie with the same girl. Then it will hit him: he’s in the friend zone. Guys and girls don’t watch movies. They use movies to cover the sounds of their moaning. The only time a guy and girl don’t hook up at the movies is if they are “Just Friends” or if one of them is spewing lava—and even then the guy might make a move.

Oh sure, the guy will still be friends with the girl in a small glimmer of hope that she will change her mind. But she won’t. She’ll just keep talking to him in a lust-less tone, telling him how her day was and—even worse—letting him know who she likes without a care as to what it does to the guy. The worst part about being stuck in the Friend Zone is that you still have to put up with the constant bitching from the girl but you don’t get any ass to compensate for it. And no matter how long you wait, the Friend Zone is permanent. She will never touch you; it would make it “too awkward.” Instead, she will torment you for years until you finally admit your feelings for her, and then she’ll say that she used to like you, but those times are gone, and then she’ll avoid you for a few days because things are “awkward” and then I TAKE A CHAINSAW TO THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!

Whoops, another outburst, I promise it won’t happen again. Now that I’ve discussed the two—three if you enjoy torture—types of relationships with girls, let’s divulge into why people go into these relationships. After all, the only things that come from high school relationships are drama and premature pregnancies, so why would anyone want to partake in one? The answer, my friends, is image.

High school is all about image. The way a person looks, the way a person dresses, and the way a person acts all play extreme roles in a student’s figure. And depending on what a certain person’s image is, specific things will be assumed and expected from their peers. For instance, let’s take the stereotypical high school jock; the football quarterback known throughout the school. Without talking to, learning about, or even seeing this kid, you automatically assume that a) he gets all the girls, b) he gets bad grades, and c) he is capable of crushing you. It is the kid’s image (his “title”) that lets you know everything you need about him. And when you do see him, his girl fan base, dumbass vocabulary, and refrigerator-like structure only feed into the illustration that a) he’s been laid more times than God, and b) he can’t count past 10.

Likewise, a person’s image plays into their ever-changing social status. Sticking with the football jock example, this kid is an icon of the school. He is popular with the ladies, the leader of the guy pack, and his reputation transfers into other towns. In order to maintain this image (an image this kid may or may not like), the quarterback has to do things that strong, manly men like him do in high school like, for example, fail English. Once the school finds out that this kid failed out of a class that includes a language everyone speaks, it will build the retard-who-can-throw-a-ball-fifty-yards image (AKA: A football jock) that he has set for himself, and it will exceed everyone’s expectations. Similarly, if this same football player was ever found, hypothetically, crying during The Notebook, he would immediately ruin his reputation, causing his image to be damaged not only throughout his school, but in other towns too. If his town was known for worshipping such a pussy, they would be laughed at by everyone! The humiliation put on the town would then transfer back to the football player, and his social status would be lost forever. This could, in turn, lead to a series of cataclysmic events that alter the progress of the future. The kid that once had such charm with the ladies could be labeled as a pussy, causing him to stop trying to impress girls. Time that was once spent towards flirts would be dedicated to studying, during which the guy would read about San Francisco. Spending money that would once be used on beer, the ex-football player would travel to the city and witness a Gay Pride Parade. It would be then that the student realizes that even though he spent his entire life being homophobic and narrow-minded, he was actually gay!

As you can see, even the smallest thing can ruin a person’s image and turn them from an all-powerful jock into—in extreme cases—a prancing cheerleader. Of course, this is all a hypothetical situation; no football player would ever cry during The Notebook. They prefer The Titanic.

In high school dating, the social image that comes with a boyfriend or girlfriend is massive on both sides. For a guy, an image can be raised if he dates a hot girl, or if he macs multiple hot girls, and for a girl, an attractive guy is essential to increase social status. In these relationships, both the boy and the girl depend on each other for raising their school image—which is usually what keeps them together:

Guy 1– Dude, I just found out that Cindy is cheating on me with two other guys, and he has been using me for my money for the past two years. I forgave her when she crashed my Lexus, but now that she’s broken into my house and stolen my mother’s jewelry I can’t help but feel mad at her.

Guy 2– Why don’t you just break up with her?

Guy 1– Because she’s fucking hot!!!

An impression amongst couples can be raised if the couple is having sex, not cheating on each other, overcoming powerful rumors, or if they are just together for a long time. Similarly, their image can be harmed if the partners cheat on one another, go on and off for months, fights a lot, or if one of them kills the other. In terms of social status, a relationship is the fastest way to either increase or decrease the way people view you.

However, it isn’t that simple. As well as each partner depending on the other for social security (not in the old people way), an HSR is a give and take. Where one person benefits from a certain situation, another is hurt. It is sort of a battle in which one partner tries to strengthen his public appeal by harming the other person’s image. For instance, if the guy decides to cheat on the girl with an agreeably hotter girl, his status is raised while the girl’s image is damaged. Many will say that this is not true because the guy has then labeled himself as a “cheater,” but in high school that really means nothing. If one dude has cheated on 80% of his girlfriends, any girl will still go out with him granted that he is hot, he has money, and promises the girl that he loves her. Of course, girls don’t want to admit that, so they have to temporarily isolate that man, pretend to hate him for cheating, and mark him as a “womanizer.” After a few weeks of this the girls forget about how much he hurt their friend, and resume giving him handys in the bathroom.

Along with using a high school relationship to boost your social image, an HSR can also be used to maintain a certain appeal. Many girls not only get a boyfriend because they need someone to call them perfect all the time; they also get one to appear like less of a whore. In the girl community, whores are looked very down upon. They are labeled as trashy, improper, and are considered a bad icon as to what women should be viewed as. Little is it known that all women are whores, even the ones who condemn the idea of it. It is just that when you get a boyfriend, hooking up with him no longer makes you a whore, but instead you are labeled as a “good girlfriend.” You may be having an equal amount of sex—if not more—than a so-called whore, but because you are doing it with a boyfriend you are not considered a slut. This is why becoming a boyfriend is a much easier way to get ass; every single girl is a whore, but some would rather do it with a partner.

Of course, there is always the small risk you run of getting what is called in Arlington as a “frost.” I personally thought that this was an international term, but my friends in Belmont told me otherwise. A “frost” is a word to describe a girl who does not hook up. Ever. She will not go to any base with anyone due to an unknown reason that varies from frost to frost. These are usually the bitchiest girls of all, and will stop at nothing to point out that they are clean, saintly little angels and that everyone else is a gross and rotten slut who is going to hell. Essentially, a frost is the high school equivalent to a nun. Generally frosts are scared that their angelic image will be shattered if they were to hook up with anyone and that she will be labeled as a whore. Little does the girl know that if she has a boyfriend (or perhaps, a best friend), she will not be considered a slut. This is why the girl needs to get up off her fat ass and read this site and stop messing around with everyone and grow up and ACCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITIES THAT COME WITH MATURITY AND STOP ACTING CHILDISH YOU FUCKING BITCH. I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL AFTER I BOMB YOUR HOUSE!!!

The knowledge that a relationship is a portal to a girl’s body brings us to the number one reason guys end up in an HSR: to get ass. Scientists estimate that 89% of a man’s decisions are based off of whether or not he will get as. Clothing styles, music selection, and even mortgage payments are all carefully calculated to see if the end result will involve a naked girl. So when choosing a partner, the guy seriously weighs his options as to how hot a girl is (which will gain him social points) and how much she hands out (which will gain him pleasure points). Oh sure, we say that we selected our girlfriends because of their “personality” and “how nice they are” and “how real she is,” but that is crap. The chick could be part of the Taliban and kill your family and you’d still hang out with her because she hooks up with you. The girl may be enthusiastic or energetic or whatever stupid word you use to describe her, but that’s not why you went out with her. You chose her because she was the hottest girl who would touch you.  Keep in mind, though, that a sluty girl will most likely carry a high Bitch Effect, in which case you should save yourself the pain of constant complaining by stabbing her in the face.

This completes the first half of my high school relationships hand book, and I hope that you visit soon to see the other half in which I discuss what happens while you’re in a HSR, how most of them end, and the aftermath of such a horrible break up. If you are not clear on any of the facts I just told you, or you disagree with anything I just said, feel free to leave a comment or IM me to complain. Just keep in mind that I am a professional comedy writer and you are just a retard who reads my posts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch The Notebook.

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Why White People Aren’t Scared Of Bill Cosby

Being a massive fan of humor, I have watched many comedians and their routines. From the legends like George Carlin to the rookies like Amy Schumer, I have taken careful notes as to what pleases audiences and what doesn’t. Many people believe that this is what makes me so funny, while others argue this is what makes me so anti-social.

Last night I was watching The Original Kings Of Comedy on HBO, which is where they honor famous comedians for accomplishing the impossible feat of being both black and funny. The comics include huge names such as Cedric the Entertainer, D.L. Hughley, Bernie Mac and Steve Harvey. Together these men were famed for revolutionizing the art of black humor as well as terrifying 96% of the white community. Theoretically no one man is better than the other, seeing as how all of their jokes revolve around the same subject: what would happen if a ghetto-ass black person tried to do what a white person does? In the hour that I watched of the show, I say Cedric the Entertainer joke about black people skiing, Bernie Mac make fun of how white people greet one another (I thought this was especially ironic, seeing the obscene handshakes and gang signs black people throw down), and Steve Harvey comically jest about the death of thousands during the sinking of the Titanic. The theater they performed it was crowded full of eager black people waiting to laugh hysterically at what crazy commotion it would look like if a black person tried to do what a white person does like, for example, paying taxes [Ba Zing]. But when you think about it, these men are no different from today’s black comedians. They make the same jokes about the same subjects; the only reason they are so legendary is because they are older than dirt, allowing them to make the racist jokes first.

Warning: What you are about to read is on the mind of every white person in the entire world at this very moment. While reading this you will think to yourself “this is exactly what I want to say,” the only difference is that I am saying it first, which will hopefully make me as legendary as The Original Kings Of Comedy.

The reason that white people do not like black people is because black people do not bother to familiarize us with themselves. White people, for instance, enjoy the game of hockey. But every time we mention the word “hockey” (i.e. “Last night I watched a hockey game”) around black people they respond with something like this:

Yo cracka you ain’t never gunna see a nigga playin’ hockey. There ain’t no God damn way you gunna get a full grown nigga out on some damn cold ice tryn’a smack a God damn black circle with some tiny ass stick.

The black person will then proceed to turn your innocent statement into an outlandish racist comment leading back to slavery:

The last time a stick was smack’n somethin’ black it sure as hell wasn’t no puck. It was a slave!!!

In situations like this, white people cringe and back away from the black person, who is either joking or growing increasingly mad—both situations could end horribly—and that is why white people generally avoid black people. I think that nothing reflects this more than black comedy, in which the majority of the jokes are intended for black people and are all about how much white people suck. To demonstrate, I have created a list of rules to become a black comedian. If you are black—or even slightly tanned—and you follow these directions, you will become famous.

1. Choose a basic thing that white people do or that involved white people.
Examples:
-Playing hockey
-Sky diving
-Wearing Bluetooth earpieces
-Spending money on something other than their car

2. Substitute what white people would do in that situation with what black people would do in that situation.
Examples:
-Instead of giving their child a “time out” like white people do, black people beat their children.
-Black people would never put a bomb in their shoes because they’re too damn expensive.

3. Make any sort of random movement that may appear comical, regardless of what your previous punch line was or how it relates to the subject.
Examples:
-Flail your arms violently in circles. This may symbolize flying, waving, trying to keep balance, or an Olympic sport.
-Jump up onto a stool, table, desk, or chair. This could show what black people would do if there were mice in the room.
-Fall to the ground and start convulsing. Black people find this hilarious, and would not stop laughing until they realized you were having a seizure.

With those three easy steps, you will get black comedy. To give you an example, I have taken a bit of Steve Harvey’s routine in The Original Kings Of Comedy special I saw last night. Feel free to fast forward to 3:36 to get to the actual example and to avoid some dumbass skit about a retarded nephew or whatever.

And this leads me to my next subject: Why black people can say whatever they want while white people are forced to pussy-foot around racism. As you just saw above, Steve Harvey blatantly made fun of white people (not the mention a national tragedy in which thousands died) and was not disciplined. In fact, his racism brought forth laughter, as most racism does. The only difference is that Steve Harvey made his racial remarks in front of ten thousand people and on television, whereas the racial jokes I hear are whispered to me at a convenience store. So the question is: why aren’t black people penalized for racism while the punishment for white people is—at minimum—the electric chair?

In the past black people have responded to this question by bringing up the act of slavery, an economical strategy that ended in 1865 with the Civil War. This leads to two things:

1. The Civil War proves that white people fought other white people in order to free black people. Just because stubborn southerners enslaved your race for three hundred years doesn’t mean that all of America did.
2. Slavery ended in 1865. That was also 150 years ago. Oh sure your great great grandfather might have been a slave but you sure as hell weren’t. You didn’t have to spend a God damn day in a cotton field; all you had to worry about was buying a new pair of 400 dollar shoes. Oops, I’m sorry, that was racist. I meant to say a new pair of 400 dollar kicks.

Slavery ended years ago, and therefore should not be part of the racism argument. I’m Dutch. In 1943 hundreds of thousands of Dutch people were enslaved by German Nazis. Does this mean that we’re allowed to make fun of German people in retaliation for something that happened 50 years ago? Yes.

But we still shouldn’t. So when black people complain about something that didn’t happen to them specifically, they are being ignorant and pitiful. Why are black people allowed to say the word “honky” while a white man could be possibly stoned for using the N word in public. You see that?! I’m scared to say the word nigger over the internet under a fake identity because I think black people are going to kill me, and all the while black people are insulting white people to our faces. And when white people do bring up a topic like this (which they don’t for fear of a semi-automatic being pointed at their head) they are sued for racism, they are hated by the entire black community, and they have to deal with the bullshit of the Reverend Al Sharpton. Meanwhile black people across the country are using white racism to make millions of dollars!!!

This leads me to my last subject: Bill Cosby. Everyone loves Bill Cosby, especially white people. I personally have 6 Bill Cosby CDs, and I enjoy them now as much as I did when I first hear them. And the reason that white people appreciate his stand up so much is because none of his material is racist, allowing them to connect with it. As a final example, here is Bill Cosby’s skit on going to the dentist compared to Cedric the Entertainer’s skit on—and I am not making this up—parking a spaceship like a black person.

Bill Cosby:

Cedric the Entertainer (skip to 2:18 to avoid his bit on smoking)

Everyone goes to the dentist. And everyone has dealt with the scraping metal hook, the needle in the mouth, the “bottom lip on the floor,” the smoke that comes from the drill, and the vacuum that sucks up your face. These are all subjects that both black and white people alike can agree upon and can find humorous. At no point in any white person’s life have they tried to Parallel Park a space shuttle, which deters from the comedy.

To all the black people who are reading this site (because God knows how many black people visit a 15-year-olds comedy website), give me one good reason why you can be racist and I can’t, and then I’ll consider not being racist. But until then, you can go jump off a cliff.

Oh my God, imagine if a black person tried to jump off a cliff like a white person does? Wouldn’t that be hysterical?!?!

Exactly, it wouldn’t be.

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Top Five White People Impressions

As a strong white male, I am very keen on racism. This is mainly because all my friends are racist sons-of-bitches, but also because I listen to comedy. In comedy, impersonating people is very key (example: Frank Caliendo), specifically a race. Now, I know that everyone has done their impression of a confused Asian, frustrated Indian, and crazy black woman, but those are just the classics. If you want to mimic something with a new, original and innovative twist; something that no other comedian has done, you need imitate a white person.

Copying the voice of a white person isn’t as easy as it seems. You need to make yourself seem ignorant, conceded, and innocent at the same time—all the while not puking. That is why I have compiled a list to applaud the top five comedians that have properly impersonated us cocky white people.
5. Carlos Mencia. Carlos Mencia is known for many things. He is infamous for his show on Comedy Central where he makes fun of everything, and his catch phrase “Dee Dee Dee” has become a symbol of retardation. In the comedy world, however, Carlos is looked down upon for stealing jokes from other comedians. A list of those comedians includes Bill Cosby, George Lopez, Joe Rogan, Ari Shaffir, and Bobby Lee. And even though most comedians hate his guts, Carlos can be sure that his fan base consists of racist southerns and narrow-minded assholes. Impression wise, Carlos can mimic all types of white people. Southerns, Australians, Britians, and even Bill Clinton aren’t safe from his impersonations. However, even though his imitations are abundant, they are not good. Quality is much better than Quantity, which is what lands Mencia at number five. (In this clip, you get the full show of Mencia with his white person impression, his retard impression, and him being Yogi Bear).


4. Pablo Fransisco. Pablo isn’t really known unless you know him (no shit). Most people recognize him for his Movie Trailer Guy impersonation, who I’m assuming is a white guy, but he also does a hilarious white girl impression. I’ll show you both, and hopefully you will watch more of his stand up and make him famous.

Movie Trailer Guy-
White Girl-

3. Richard Pryor. Known as a comedy God, Pryor’s jokes consisted mainly around himself. His heart attack, broken marriages, and incident in which he caught on fire making crack in his basement were all the basis of his acts. In a stand up routine I have on my Ipod, Richard Pryor taunts there white people who were looking for their seat, and his impersonation of them made me hold my sides laughing. Unfortunately, I cannot find that clip on youtube, so I am going to give you one of his lesser acts where only a bit of his imitation is shown (if you don’t want to watch all of it, the impression is at 1:30). R.I.P. LEGEND.

2. Dave Chappelle. Possibly the funniest comedian I have ever heard, I think that his show has ruined his roots. Dave’s pointless parodies and repeating jokes lack the spontaneous humor that his stand up has. In this clip, Dave does my favorite clip of his Killing Them Softly album, which I fall asleep to every night (who needs a lullaby when you can hear the N word 50 times?). You can also see Dave’s white man imitation on his show, The Chappelle Show, when he acts as Chuck Taylor, a news reporter for “News 3.”

1. George Lopez. Even at the age of 46, George Lopez is a comedy genius who is not about to stop. From his hit TV show to his years in stand up, he has ruled the comedy world with an iron fist. His newest standup act, America’s Mexican, has the best white person impressions I have ever seen done, and there is no one who can do it better. (if you watch past the white person part, you can also get a glipse of him mimicing Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Did I miss any?

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How To Be A Douche Bag

In life, people can choose to adopt many different types of personalities. The options are countless, and rage from attention-craver to loner; fitness freak to alcoholic. For example, if you wanted to live your life as someone people looked up to and idolized, you would become a burly, husky construction worker who feeds on raw bacon and cholesterol. Likewise, if you want to achieve your own personal satisfaction while being hated by everyone, you would strive to grow up like Derek Jeter.

Your overall personality is not chosen out of a list, but is determined throughout your life based upon actions you take at specific moments in your life. To help you better understand this theory, I have broken down the choices a vegetarian makes throughout their life that causes them to be so snobby and stuck-up.

Age 3: Eat your first piece of meat and realize that it is the greatest food on earth. Try to make your own beef by throwing your toy cows into the blender.

Kindergarden-7th grade: Eat beef, chicken, pork, lamp chops, beef jerky, bacon, sausage, steak, prime rib, and even Kibbles & Bits without a care as to what animal it came from, what part of the animal it came from, and how many children that animal fostered.

8th Grade: Watch a graphic movie about what people do to the animals before they cook them. Vow to never eat meat again.

8th Grade-College: Destroy your body by depriving it of fats, proteins, iron, and testicles. Instead, inject it with life threatening foods such as fruits, vegetables, and tofu. Claim that you can’t eat meat because it makes you feel sick, where in reality you hide Slim Jims under your bed. Insist that it’s okay to eat fish because they don’t have feelings.

College: Hypocritically taunt vegans saying that what they are doing is pointless. Mock the vegans by drinking milk with your scrambled eggs. Then get pissed at the guy next to you for eating sausage.

Occupation: Join the Peace Corps and become an animal rights activist. Spend all you’re your money buying animals that are about to get slaughtered to add to your farm. Parade around the street in front of butcheries with cheesy signs saying “Meat Is Murder” and “Dorks Eat Pork.” Due to lack of sufficient funds, ride a bike.

Hobby: Research different forms of torture animals go through while being killed for their meat and use your pointless statistics to try to convert people to being a vegetarian. In conversations, bring up animal cruelty regardless of what the original topic was.

Death: Die at the age of 38 due to malnutrition.

By following these easy steps, you could become a vegetarian. Not that you would want to, because a) no one has ever respected a vegetarian, ever; and b) tofu tastes like cardboard. In Illinois, a state law is trying to be passed to revoke the civil liberties of vegetarians like, for example, the right to vote. The state claims that vegetarians are, “hardly human.”

But vegetarians are not our topic of choice. I am here to teach you how to develop the most intricate personality there is. This personality is for people who enjoy being hated, go out of their way to annoy people, and believe strongly in what their opponents disagree with. This person feels that negative attention is the only cool form of attention, and thinks that kicking an old person would be the coolest thing ever. I am going to teach you: How To Be A Douche Bag. Depending on how closely you obey my intense training rules and specific directions, your douche bagginess can range from that of Jason Garfield to that of Bill O’Reilly.

Unlike personalities that demand an early start (for example, most alcoholics are born with a beer in their hand and begin picking bar fights as early as 18 months), becoming a douche bag can start anytime in middle school. Here, all you have to do is what I refer to as “girl calling.” This is when you and a bunch of your guy friends are all chilling when you a get a call from a group of girls who want to hang. Whereas most guys would simply proceed to the girls’ house and take their hook up chances there, quality douche bags will call girls beforehand. “I call Julie!” you would yell as you darted up from your chair. This would prevent any of your other friends from trying to hook up with Julie because you “called” her. If you want to be a super douche bag try to declare ownership of multiple girls (like, for example, all of them), or claim the girl your friend likes.

Throughout middle school, make sure to describe everything as “Old School” and hint upon every major stereotype there is. Drop pennies in front of Jewish people, accuse all Mexicans of being illegal, and challenge every black person to a high jump contest. Try to get a little creative with your stereotypical insults (“Hey, you’re Asian right? Can you help me with my Rubix Cube?”). Lastly, establish everything you do as the best thing that could have ever been done. Make sure the world knows that because you drew a house in art class, no one will ever be able to draw a house anywhere as “Old School” as that.

In high school, being a douche bag becomes easier than not being one. Everyone is mean to each other and cockiness finally reigns over self-consciousness, making it an ideal setting to be a douche bag. What you need to do is out-mean everyone. What I mean by “out-mean” is that if someone is unkind to you, you find a way to turn the tables and be more unkind to them. This can be done in many different styles ranging from verbal abuse to rape. If someone makes fun of your bad report card, you make fun of something much bigger like, for example, the fact that they’re poor. If a girl criticizes you of cheating on a test, criticize them of being a whale. But no matter how hard you try to respond to evil threats by making eviler threats, all the hatred can be eliminated by spreading rumors. In high school, the only thing that spreads faster than rumors is herpes—which is also a key flaw to tease someone of. Basic rumors are as follows:

  • Having sex
  • Not having sex
  • Having herpes
  • Being gay
  • Liking Bon Jovi

However, douche bags do not fall to this level of mediocrity. In order to out-mean everyone, you must spread complicated, complex rumors that will permanently cripple your enemy and cause them to move schools. A perfect rumor should—at minimum—make your opponent cry in the bathroom for days upon end, and should most certainly ruin their weekend. The following are flawless rumors that I have constructed after multiple years of trial and error:

  • Having an alcoholic mother who beats you and your step brother while your father goes out and sells drugs.
  • Being forced to make money on the street selling scarves that your family wove out of hair.
  • Being illiterate.
  • Having the resort to cannibalism after your dog ate your entire farm’s crop.

Also, in high school, hygiene becomes a major factor and can be the difference between a ladies man and Bob Dole. What true douche bags do is comment directly on peoples’ lack of hygiene, and then out-mean them when they try to respond.

Douche Bag– Hey Victoria, I think the entire class would prefer it if you moved your desk outside of the room. The fan is blowing your horrid B.O. right towards me and I just had lunch. Thanks.

Victoria– Oh shut up! You’re the smelly one who just came from gym!

Douche Bag– It’s called Physical Education, Victoria. God, you’re so ignorant.

Likewise, most douche bags choose to separate themselves from the other smelly students by wearing too much cologne. Although I personally think this method is a little costly (most people go through a can a week), bathing in rich French cologne can make people think you are truly better than them, and it also leaves a wake of odor behind you that is usually worse than B.O.

For students who really appreciate the feeling of power and would especially like to consider themselves smart, disagreeing with what everyone says is a major douche bag chore. In high school, many beliefs are going around with which people strongly agree. The best way to be a douche bag is to firmly believe in the complete opposite of these viewpoints regardless of what your real outlook is. Unfortunately, this tactic requires research, studying, and—dare I say it—reading books. For example, freely join the Christians Club and then argue that science out-rules any of the bible’s stories. If you want to read a book, you can dispute that the first cells were able to be created by certain chemicals combining and not because some old guy wanted to make a tree. Refer to God as a “poser” and accuse the other members of being too insecure to believe that we are the most powerful thing there is.

If you would rather not read a book but still want to make fun of Christians, argue that Adam and Eve’s children were forced to reproduce by themselves; making everyone on earth related. When they say that this is false, you can then violently lunge at a girl in the group in an attempt to kiss her, declaring that if she’s not your sister you have every right to fornicate her. If the Christian members try to debate you with calm and collected words while using bible quotes to back up their points, get frustrated and throw a chair while yelling “YOU’RE MAKING HULK ANGRY!!!” Lastly, exclaim that you have found the Lord before convulsing on the ground and foaming at the mouth.

Another great thing I enjoy doing is joining the Ultimate Frisbee Club. As we all know, Ultimate Frisbee was a sport invented by college hippies so that they would feel athletic. At my school, the same thing applies only the nerds actually have a league in which they compete, which makes them feel even more like they have privileges. A fun thing to do with a bunch of your friends is join this team midway through the season. Seeing as how you and your friends are the only people on the squad who have come on complete contact with a girl, you will be accepted, praised, and maybe even made captain. Then, while playing Ultimate Frisbee, aggressively check and tackle opponents. When they inform you that what you are doing is illegal, ask if they want you to get them elbow pads. Then just keep right on abusing your competition! Finally, when they kick you out of the game, steal the Frisbee and run around with it, arguing the entire time that you can do what you want because “it’s a free country.”

If you feel like it, you can attend college, but it’s not really necessary unless you enjoyed being a douche bag so much in high school that you want to do it for another four years. But college education is not needed for your ultimate douche bag job: A Flight Attendant. As a flight attendant, you can sail the skies and travel to exotic countries that other people can’t afford to go to; so you tease them. A common greeting for old friends is, “Oh hey how’ve you been? I just got back from Aruba. I went there for free.” When your friend reflects upon a recent vacation they just came from, inform them that you have already been there multiple times and it is now boring. Also, as a flight attendant, traveling passengers depend on you. They look upon you for instructions, food, and reassurance that everything will be okay. This is why yelling “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!” is always a good douche bag thing to do. When people ask if the pilot knows that he’s doing, tell them that he’s just been a little different since he gave up cocaine.

As a flight attendant, your middle school stereotypes can come back into play this time in the form of terrorists. Stand silently next to an Arab passenger and forbid them from getting out of their chair; maybe even follow them to the bathroom. When flying to a foreign country, command the passengers to speak English, and refuse to assist them unless they do. If they start yelling at you in their native tongue, cut them off by screaming “I PLAY FOR KEEPS,” Ricky Bobby style. And lastly, make sure to ruin the on-flight movie.

As a hobby, douche bags can choose from a vast selection of options. But sticking with the “I’m-the-best-thing-ever” theme, an ideal douche bag hobby is to praise another famous douche bag. But don’t just praise him, worship him. Incorporate him into every conversation you have, make him your AIM screen name, and get at least two posters of him in your room. When people go to condemn your idol, rebut with physical beatings and take shots at their mother. Insist that that no one will ever be as cool as your hero, and make up fake stories about them. Make sure to use the words “Old School.”

For those of you just beginning and who aren’t cultured enough to choose your own douche bag, I suggest admiring Dustin Diamond. Some of you may know him as Screech from Saved By The Bell and others may remember his pornographic tape. But one thing is true: he is a Class-A douche bag. On the Vh1 show Celebrity Fit Club that I watch (insert gay joke here), he took being a douche bag to the next level by calling people skinnier than him fat. What an inspiration! This man was dirt poor, selling home-made pornos on the street to pay for his house, and he’s making fun of other people. I don’t think anyone else would be able to pull it off.

And finally, every good douche bag needs a good way to die. When you die as a douche bag, the key is to not die of something lame like a heart attack or a stroke or cancer. A true douche bag will expire of old age. But not just the pathetic lying-in-your-bed-with-a-smile-on-your-face old age death; a dedicated DB will die while doing something that young people do like, for example, sky diving. Imagine the look on your tandem partner’s face when the 84-year-old man strapped to his stomach stops screaming and goes limp. But out of the infinite ways to perish (water skiing, being in a mosh pit, juggling chain saws, etc.) the best option is to die while on the highway. First off, nothing is more annoying than a senior citizen fighting for life on the freeway, but when you actually die driving, the chaos you will cause will be inconceivable. Simply use your last few breaths to swerve violently to the left, crashing into the guard rail right after your passing. This way the collision will not kill you, but will most likely injure all of your passengers (this is why being a bus driver is a good douche bag employment option too) as well as block two crucial driving lanes. People are late for work; they get fired; go home and beat their wife; get a divorce; and become a raging alcoholic. Old School.

Now that you know the exact steps to becoming a douche bag, you are free to go out in the world and reign over the pathetic “good guys” of society. If you are already out of middle school, dedicate your freshman year to catching up. If you aren’t that good at spreading rumors, maybe have a friend help you. Just make sure that your cockiness is used as a weapon to out-mean and out play all your opponents, and in time people will begin idolizing you as their douche bag hobby. And if all else fails, become a vegetarian.

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I Think I Need A Cigarette

As you may or may not have known, my family and I just returned from my annual vacation to Europe. We make this trip every summer as a chance to “get away from it all,” but more importantly, we do it to expand our cultural horizons in an attempt to understand others’ way of life. That, and my dad gets to leave work. Normally, we go to the beautiful France, but this year we opted to travel to Italy.

Generally, we visit France for two reasons:

1. France embraces a stunning combination of modern and medieval art along with inspiring ancient statues that represent a certain artist’s existence because he would spend decades of his life perfecting it. The thought that these masterpieces provoke are more than enough to make a person contemplate their true meaning in the world.

2. The French are pussies.

If at any point in your life you feel scrawny and pathetic, an effortless trip to France will oust those feelings and replace them with the American Dream: being stronger than everyone else. When traveling to France, your first stop should be to Paris, also known as The City of Overpriced Souvenirs. Here, a simple bar fight (initiated by calling soccer “gay”) will prove that you are of equal culture and you will gain the respect of all your forgiven peers. Just kidding! You will be teamed up on, knocked out, and left to die in a canal. And even though you may die, one thing will be confirmed: the French are pussies.

But after three years of traveling to France, the sights get pretty boring. Every castle looks identical, every vineyard smells the same—like crap—and even the Eiffel Tower stops looking like a space ship. This is why we journeyed to Italy, also known as Mafie Country. Here, we no longer feel like overpowering Americans and realize that at any point during our stay our lives could brutally end. This is because in order to become Italian you need three things:

1. A hairy chest
2. A very short temper that can be set off with even the slightest rupture
3. A gun

I got my first taste of Italian rage while in the American airport waiting for my flight. It was the evening, so my family got a nutritious, wholesome airport meal from a fancy restaurant called McDonalds. The airport’s McDonalds is much different than the regular, inland McDonalds in that instead of the food being saturated in fat, heated under lights and then shipped from Ohio, the food is saturated in fat, heated under lights and then shipped from China. It makes every difference in the world.

Sitting at my table, enjoying my hearty McDonalds meal, I was distracted by a noise behind me. Well, it wasn’t as much a noise as it was a deafening, ear-splitting sonic boom. When I turned around, I realized that the noise wasn’t a chair going through a meat grinder, but was, in fact, and Italian. I was too terrified to ask his name or make eye contact with him, so I’m going to call him Vinny. Vinny was apparently upset that his nutritious McDonald’s hamburger wasn’t served with cheese, and, like any other reasonable person would, Vinny thought the best way to express his anger was through hollering obscenities. After minutes of bellowing at his children (for some reason it was their fault) Vinny finally approached the McDonalds employee and made him aware of his discontent by punching him in the face. I suspect that the worker is will not be able to accept his Employee of the Month award due to the minor problem that he is “sleeping with the fishes.”

With that in mind, I had no idea what to expect of Italy. I was frightened that I would step off the plane and be greeted by a crowd equipped with brass knuckles and baseball bats. Fortunately there was no mob waiting to hurt me. In fact, I was greeted by smiling faces and friendly gestures. But I did notice something very strange when I stepped off the plane into Italy: everyone speaks a different language. I think it’s called “Italian” but when I ask someone for confirmation their arms begin flailing and they start yelling “Uscire dalla mia maniera o la colpirò.” I can only assume that someone mixed up their McDonalds order.

Judging by the signs on the roads, Italian seems very basic to learn. All you have to do is take the original English word, scramble up the letters, and then put a vowel on the end. And if the jumbled word already ends in a vowel, simply put an accent over it. For instance, the word “porcupine” becomes the Italian word “copipruené.” On the other hand, you could also spell it “necripupó,” or “peprocení.” There are actually 362880 different ways to say the word “porcupine” in Italian; all of which are correct. However, many people do not know that the Italians—as well as the Spanish and French—have a secret code hidden within their words. It’s called gender, and if you do not recognize it the Italians could be making fun of you. Each word in Italian has a gender, one being male and the other female. When addressing a man, it is proper etiquette to use the male gender of the word so as to not offend him—otherwise you could wind up sleeping with the fishes. So when someone in Italy asks you to pass the spoon and they say “sleapé spasí heté posoná” and they end poson with an A, you know that they are secretly referring to you in the female gender, therefore calling you a woman and allowing you to punch them. Many Americans do not pick up on this, which is why no one respects us. Oh yeah, and also because we’re ignorant and overpowering and blinded by our own selfishness; but you get my point.

The next thing I realized when I first got to Italy was that everyone—boys, girls, pregnant women and babies—smokes. In truth, everyone in Europe smokes; it’s the “cool” thing to do. It’s actually common curtsey to blow smoke into the face of your house guests, something that, in America, would end in a lawsuit. The citizens of Italy smoke while doing everything. People driving, cooking, breast-feeding their child or even filling up a tank of gas can be found with a cigarette in their mouth. And the only things more abundant than smokers are the occasions in which smokers smoke. Most people in America smoke after being nervous, anxious, or getting laid. In Italy, people smoke not only after having sex, but after getting their hair done, drinking a beer, or having a cigarette. And because of the constant smoking, roughly 84% of Italy is filled with smoke. City streets, corner stores and even the smoke-free section of bars are all polluted. Large NO SMOKING signs are ignored and even used as ashtrays. “It’s just a suggestion,” my grandmother says.

My third observation about Italy came on our first day of sight-seeing, and it is that the roads of Italy are deadly. If you have ever gone to the country-side of these countries, you will notice that every street you are on can be found in a car commercial. As we know, every car in America nowadays is not meant for a “regular” road; they are designed with aerodynamic capabilities and four wheel drive that can only be fully exercised on a road made from an Etch-A-Sketch. People, for some reason unknown to me, feel that their daily commute is going to involve blistering snow storms, hairpin turns, and rocky off-road terrain. Lord knows how many times the average trip to the supermarket can be ruined with a 6 foot puddle in your path; thank God you bought that Hummer.

The streets in Italy, however, are exactly like the ones you see Beamers zooming through on television. They are extremely narrow, swerve aggressively to the right or left without warning, and at any moment you could find yourself head-on with a MAC truck. When my family and I wanted to visit Florence (which was 10 miles away and should have taken 15 minutes), our trek took us over an hour. The reason? Instead of a straight path leading directly towards Florence, we had to take winding, snaking roads that meandered far away from the city and into a much different area like, for example, Germany. The reason direct paths can not be made in this country is because of farmers insisting that their crops be saved. So rather than let a bit or tar cut through the very corner of their land, they permit the construction of the road and salvage the three plants that now grow there. My anger can only be fully depicted through this spectacular, breathtaking Renaissance painting that I spent years drawing. I feel that it represents my existence.

As you can see, instead of taking a direct route to our destination, we are forced to drive for hours through tiny twisting roads. These sharp and narrow turns weaving through forests and canyons are not customary for American drivers. In the United States, we have highways that go straight for hundreds of miles, turning only when they run into another highway. The freeways consist of eight or nine lanes, leaving plenty of room for drunk drivers to openly swerve without running any risk of a head on collision with a tree. They might occasionally smash into another driver, but the guy probably had it coming. The average American driving tests consists of three, strenuous, state-approved tasks that challenge even the most skilled drivers. They include:

1. Putting the car in park
2. Revving the Engine
3. Paying $600

Some people will even skip step number two and replace it with the BRRRRRR sound with their mouth. This kind of training may work in America, where cars are designed to endure crashes from other drivers who were daring enough to put there cars in drive, but in Italy driving tests require a ten month preparation period, military training, and a black belt in Tae-Kwando. And even then you might not get your permit.

And because we were in the north of Italy near the Apinine Mountains, the streets would be on the side of a mountain. This made the driving very dangerous because you knew that if you were to, hypothetically, look away from the road, your car would careen violently off the gorge, tumble into the canyon, and burst into flames. Oh sure they put rail guards up, but that is merely to protect the farmer’s precious crops. If your car ever were to smash into the barrier, forcefully flip multiple times, land upside down and start leaking oil before being engulfed in flames, the Europeans probably wouldn’t help you. They would probably just blow smoke on you.

Because our house was located in the hilly northern Italy, most of our driving resembled luge racing. But when we got to Florence, we noticed a completely different type of driving. Safe driving. Driving where people, without being forced to, would yield for other drivers; where they would actually stop at a stop sign and signal which way they were turning. My heart almost stopped when I witnessed a full grown Italian man smile and wave at another passing car. In the cities of Italy, courtesy comes of second nature. For example, when you are driving through town and the man in front of you slows down, you also slow down. I know it sounds strange because in America, if the person slows down in front of you, you speed past them while blaring your horn and telling them to have a nice day via sign language. There is no such thing as road rage in Italy; they’re far too busy smoking.

When one travels to Italy, he will notice that everyone in that country looks down upon him; especially if he is American. Luckily, we weren’t the only Americans in Italy, and we soon found that out when we visited all the tourist attractions. Here, thousands of people from all over the world gather to take pictures, buy souvenirs, and spend the day in the hot sun. Every day my family and I would stand around in the barren environment waiting in line to tour a museum; as would thousands of other tourists. Ironically, even though these attractions are scattered throughout all of Italy and each have a bagillion guests a year, not one person visiting them is Italian. My guess is that Italians place these attractions throughout Italy as a distraction for tourists so that they can have peace and quiet to do the productive things they need to do like, for example, smoke.

Believe it or not, my diet did not change very much during my trip. I still lived off of pizza and spaghetti; I still hated cheese and chocolate; and I still searched for candy in the couch cushions. Although I will say that regardless of the time of year you visit Italy, you must try their ice cream. It is amazing! It’s creamy but firm, cold but not too cold, and I think I’m addicted to it. The Italian ice cream (or as they call it in Italy: cocainé) has nothing wrong with it. Scientists are yet to locate any negative elements in it, except that it may contain too much heaven. When you receive the bowl of heaping, melting deliciousness, make sure to read the side of the container which says

WARNING: If you eat too much of this ice cream you will realize that your life sucks and that your individual contribution will do nothing to benefit the world.

The worst part of it is that the Italians possess this remarkable treat, yet they are apparently not aware of it. They just continue on with their lives as if they don’t own the greatest food ever. With the kind of power that dessert holds, I am surprised Italy isn’t bigger. They could defeat entire armies by simply feeding them too much of their ice cream and waiting for them to go insane. With this problem always on my mind, I propose that America go to war with Italy in order to gain control of this lethal luxury. We will steal it from them, and then sell it in the streets at high prices. This will help the stock market, governmental debt, and will make all of America a happier place. The only downside is that most Americans will be too busy to read the warning on the cup, and will consequently become depressed. But that is a chance I am willing to take! I am confident that all we have to do is fly to Europe, enter an ice cream store (or as they call it in Italy: heaven), grab their delicacy and run. I’m confident that they would not be able to catch us; they’re smokers.

Whether you’re stealing ice cream or flying off a cliff, Italy is an amazing place to go. I highly suggest taking a trip there; it will change your perspective on what is important. Us arrogant Americans would be fortunate to adopt half of Europe’s customs. Their giving attitude; their relaxed perspective, and their mouth-watering cuisines; all of these should be taken from the Italians and put into American ways of life. But please, let us keep our roads.

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Filed under Comedy, funny, Joke, Personal

Are You Scared Of One Liners?

I read a small article in the paper the other day about a kid my age that is publishing a book filled with his comedy writing. I immediately wondered “how the hell does a kid like that get noticed and I don’t?” Well it turns out that this kid doesn’t write the type of comedy I write. Instead he writes witty one-liners that are apparently funny. I don’t remember the example perfectly, but the newspaper displayed one of his jokes which read something like:

Wouldn’t it be funny is the Swiss Army could only fight with their own knives?

No, that would not be funny at all. In fact that would be horrible! Thousands of Swiss soldiers would die in battle because their only weapon would be a corkscrew and a nail filer! But according to my history books, the Swiss really couldn’t do much worse [oH DiiP].

Because this kid was able to publish his own crappy book with his own crappy one-liners, I have decided to release a bunch of my own witty humor. But I will not be talking about the Swiss Armies lack of supplies; I will be talking about celebrity phobias.  I will warn you now that the only way to get the true hilarity of these jokes is to loudly scream “OH DIP” after each one.

– According to Fox News, actress Pamela Anderson is afraid of mirrors. This marks the first person in history to not want to blankly goggle at Pam Anderson.

– Orlando Bloom is thought to be terrified of pigs. Historians believe this is due to his past relationship with Kate Bosworth.

– Carmen Electra claims to be scared of water. Oh yeah, I remember seeing that when I watched her on Baywatch.

– Rock star Sheryl Crow says hearing “scary” noises frighten her the most. As apposed to most people, who say that scary noises remind them of cotton candy.

– Jennifer Love Hewitt is afraid of the dark and monsters under the bed. Could this be a reason why she sleeps with everyone?

– Woody Allen is recorded to have the most phobias. He is noted to be terrified of insects, sunshine, dogs, deer, bright colors, children, heights, small rooms, crowds, cancer, and, judging by his movie Love And Death, laughter.

– Actress Christina Ricci has pool-selachophobia, which means she is horrified that a shark might swim in through the hatch of a swimming pool and eat her. I am glad to announce that this has not prevented Ricci from owning four houses, all with pools.

– Now American soccer player David Beckham is alleged to be an ataxophobic, which is someone who fears disorder. If it also rumored that he is scared of his hot wife leaving him.

– Singer Aretha Franklin is scared of flying, and is infamous for driving on most of her tours. I’m sorry to say that her fear of flying wasn’t the only thing keeping her on the ground.

– Actor Roger Moore is terrified of firearms. For those of you who don’t know, Roger Moore played The Man With The Golden Gun

– Alfred Hitchcock claims to be scared to death of eggs. “He just said they were so horrible-looking,” his daughter said. Hitchcock’s fear of eggs probably came from after directing the movie The Birds

– Oscar-winner Billy Bob Thorton is scared to death of antique furniture. Which is kind of ironic, because next February he’ll be turning 145.

And for my last joke, I would like to tell a one liner I thought of in science class.

– In 1974 scientist Donald Johanson uncovered a 3.2 million year old skeleton of what appeared to be a young girl. Researchers we able to determine the sex of the Australopithecus afarensis based off it its bone structure. They confirmed that the skeleton was a woman’s because not only were its bones were fragile and weak, but the bones were found in the kitchen.

Tell me what you think of my witty one-liners, and if I have time to think up more I will. But by that time we might be at war with the Swiss.

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Filed under Comedy, funny