Many people have made a huge fuss over Barack Obama becoming the president of the World. There have been dozens of comedy articles written about him and how he messed up the oath, how he intends to put spinning rims on the Motorcade, and how Air Force One will soon look like a scene from Soul Plane. I’m not political so I don’t bother making jokes about the economy. I am, however, unbelievably good at making fun of people. And that is why I want to take time to make my own personal jokes about Obama, but focus more on his aging great grandfather, Joe Biden.
For one, why did Aretha Franklin sing during the inauguration? Aretha died out in the early 70s after her song was sung by every disrespected housewife in America. Is she really the only strong singer willing to honor the inauguration of Obama? What, was Beyonce at Monster Jamn?
And I realize that Aretha sang partly because she was black and the entire ceremony had to reflect that black people were into power, but seriously, did we have to use a time machine to find a little bit of black vocal talent? Are there no other strong black women? Jordan Sparks? Jennifer Hudson? Martin Lawrence as Big Momma?
Another thing that concerned me was that even though over 100 million Americans watched the inauguration, there wasn’t a statistic as to how many of them watched it in hopes of an Obama assassination. I know that nearly everyone I talked to vocalized a concern of this man being taken out during the ceremony. But I think people were less worried about how an assassination would end a man’s life, and more nervous about the massive race riots that would ensue after.
Secondly, there are only two things we need to know that have happened since Obama became president:
- They put a tax on candy
- They put a tax on candy
What kind of heartless, selfish, child-hating man would allow people to tax the most delicious thing in the whole world? Candy is what people go to in order to forget that the economy sucks, not something they need to remind them. What’s next? Are they going to tax babies, winter, and any movie with Cuba Gooding Jr.?
There’s a reason you don’t tax candy. Candy is delicious. You tax things like liver and spinach. If there was a tax on candy. Charlie wouldn’t have been able to buy that last Wonka Bar, and he would have never been invited to the Wonka Factory. Think of it that way, you dream-ruining tyrant.
I’ll tell you one thing, Mr. President, if shit like this continues to happen, you will get some serious letters of concern from 10-year-old boys.
But enough about Obama, let’s get to the real winner of this election. Obama’s wingman; his Bromance; his brotha-from-anotha-motha. Joe Biden—or, as my friend J-Bing calls him: Joey “Masta Flex” B
Joe Biden is a man of few words. During the vice presidential debate he spent more time laughing at how cute Palin’s accent was than he did talking. He didn’t need to talk, he had already won. It was the first time in American History that an old, wrinkly, white man had the black vote.
One thing I would like everyone to notice about Joe Biden is that is always looks like he’s trying to read something very far away. A constant squint can be intimidating to most, but when it becomes part of your normal appearance people begin to wonder. I can only properly compare his eyes to those of Brock from the Pokemon series.
If nothing else, Joey B can be described as a glory hunter. He’s like a Yankee fan: he wants to get all the glory of winning, but doesn’t want to have to worry about losing. He jumped right on the Black-Vote-Bandwagon when given the opportunity, and he basically walked into the white house.
However, despite the hostility towards both Obama and Joe Biden the media will always have, they are a welcoming change to the boring America George and Dick left us with. It is a time for American to say goodbye to the domineering country focused upon iron-fisted defense and selfish wars and welcome a chuckling black man to the spot. He’s loveable, he’s friendly, and he’s got the whole world behind him. Oh yeah, and a smoking hot wife.