Do Not See Twilight

Like always, I ended up getting dragged to another stupid girl movie with my girlfriend. First it was Hairspray, then it was High School Musical 3, and now it was Twilight. The movie theater was PACKED and any time something touching or slightly more emotional than our normally bland lives happened the theater would erupt with squeals of delight. “Awwww,” they would sigh. “He loves her so much he would not suck her blood!” Yeah, that’s a fantastic relationship.

Which brings me to my next point: why the hell does everyone think the character Edward is so hot? My friend Jill is like “Oh my god I’m going to marry him,” and after the movie my girlfriend got mad that I’ve never called her “my world.” You know why I don’t call her my world? Because a moon doesn’t revolve around her, and if a massive meteorite were to strike her life would still go on.

You know, you could have just taken me out to dinner and a movie

You know, you could have just taken me out to dinner and a movie

For those of you who don’t know who Edward is, he is the vampire in the movie that the main character, Bella, falls in love with. The first time they meet he not only gives her the cold shoulder, but refuses to speak to her; even asking to switch out of his science class when they’re assigned partners. Apparently he doesn’t realize that there’s a difference between playing hard to get and degrading your partner to the point of humiliation. And even though he asks like a total freak and blinks four times throughout the entire movie, girls are all over him. He doesn’t even show his hot body! For all we know he has three vampire nipples that drip blood!

Also, why does a vampire bite have the same affect as a snake bite? Why must the venom be sucked out, and why does it have a burning sensation as the victim convulses in pain? The writers of the movie clearly didn’t watch Dracula as a child, and made the reaction of a vampire bite look less like turning into a blood-drinking corpse, and more like someone being awoken to “Who Let The Dogs Out” by Baha Men.

While watching the movie, I turned to my two friends and started to ask questions like the ones above, but they were so engulfed in the fantasy of true love that I never got an answer. So I’m asking them here. This post was originally going to be a list of questions I had during the movie that I was unable to ask my friends, but it is now a warning to all guys to never see the movie Twilight. I don’t care if your girlfriend wants you to take her, and I don’t care if the girl you really really really really want to bone is dying to see it. It is the biggest waste of money in the whole world, and everything about the movie sucks. There is no plot, no rising action leading to a climatic ending, and the script was clearly composed of the director handing out ripped pages from the book 30 seconds before shooting.

Do not see Twilight. Take her to a good movie and make her watch Twilight on her own. Insist that she reads the book again, that will buy you time until it comes out on DVD. Do not see Twilight, do not see Twilight, do not see Twilight.



Filed under Movies

7 responses to “Do Not See Twilight

  1. Jake

    I couldn’t agree more with you. After seeing True Blood on HBO and knowing absolutely nothing about this movie other than it had vampires, I agreed to go see it. Big mistake. It sucked SO hard. I was always under the impression that when vampires were exposed to light, they would shrivel up and stuff. However, this new era of emo-vampires actually sparkle and shimmer in the light, like fairies. Also, these vampires are “vegetarian vampires” they only eat animals, not humans. I guess when carlisle (Head Emo-vampire) took away their brood for humans, he always took away their balls. So pretty much everything cool about vampires is non-existent in this terrible movie. Please do yourself a huge favor and never ever see this movie. Even if you are slightly curious as to how bad it might be, trust me, DO NOT SEE IT!!!! I cannot stress this enough.

  2. Doug

    You know what’s great about this franchise, though? The fact that it’s so shallow that by this time next year, it’ll be completely forgotten. That’s why they’ve got to crank out the sequel to the movie so quickly: by the time it hits theaters, the short-attention-span girls currently keeping this crap afloat will likely have forgotten about it. At least the Harry Potter books and films have a dramatic arc. All the “Twilight” series has is a vapid girl who wants to get laid and turned into a vampire– in which order I fail to remember– for some twenty-eight hundred wasted pages of awfully written prose. What a pile of sh*t.

  3. Tina

    ive had two negative feedbacks of the movie already. I’m going to watch it tomorrow with my girlfriends. ahhm~ we planned it over 1 month before it was out. hehe~ so i cannot fail them

  4. Cal

    Doug, you jsut put into words what every man in this country is feeling. I thank you and commend your commitment to truth.

  5. Sierra

    My boyfriend wanted to see it because I made him read the book. I told him to watch it on his own time. He did and came back complaining that it sucked.
    The books are better, but too many girls have latched on to them. It’s not even worth it anymore.

  6. Corinne

    I read these books about three years ago, even met Stephanie Meyer and I will admit the books themselves are written well. But come on. Vampires are supposed to wear capes and have fangs. And fly, for goodness sake! None of which I saw in the movie (I was forced to take my younger sister to see this debauchery of vampires). Unfortunately, I share a room with said sister and I now wake up every morning to pictures ripped from magazines of Edward and that damn Werewolf while Bella’s Lullaby blares from my computer. Thank God that Doug is right and her glittering eyes will be over Edward Cullen in another month or so. For the next obsession? I say show me some freakin’ centaurs.

  7. Ryan

    I’m a female (yes, Ryan is a girls name too!) and I just don’t get this shit.. I’m going to spoil it a bit for those who haven’t read the books.. sadly I have. *cringe* In the movie/book Twilight, Edward is “pro-life” and all about keeping poor widdle Bella from tripping on flat surfaces. When I read “Breaking Dawn” The last of the god awful books.. Bella finds out she’s pregnant.. so.. what to do then? Like any proud Vampire father to be he tells her it’s “Abortion Time!” at the 24 hr. drive up clinic at Chaz Cullen. IT MAKES ME SICK!! Not to mention how the Character Jacob pushes off being a pedophile like it was nothing because his friend “imprinted” on a two year old. Smyer is a sick fuck!

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