Like always, I ended up getting dragged to another stupid girl movie with my girlfriend. First it was Hairspray, then it was High School Musical 3, and now it was Twilight. The movie theater was PACKED and any time something touching or slightly more emotional than our normally bland lives happened the theater would erupt with squeals of delight. “Awwww,” they would sigh. “He loves her so much he would not suck her blood!” Yeah, that’s a fantastic relationship.
Which brings me to my next point: why the hell does everyone think the character Edward is so hot? My friend Jill is like “Oh my god I’m going to marry him,” and after the movie my girlfriend got mad that I’ve never called her “my world.” You know why I don’t call her my world? Because a moon doesn’t revolve around her, and if a massive meteorite were to strike her life would still go on.
For those of you who don’t know who Edward is, he is the vampire in the movie that the main character, Bella, falls in love with. The first time they meet he not only gives her the cold shoulder, but refuses to speak to her; even asking to switch out of his science class when they’re assigned partners. Apparently he doesn’t realize that there’s a difference between playing hard to get and degrading your partner to the point of humiliation. And even though he asks like a total freak and blinks four times throughout the entire movie, girls are all over him. He doesn’t even show his hot body! For all we know he has three vampire nipples that drip blood!
Also, why does a vampire bite have the same affect as a snake bite? Why must the venom be sucked out, and why does it have a burning sensation as the victim convulses in pain? The writers of the movie clearly didn’t watch Dracula as a child, and made the reaction of a vampire bite look less like turning into a blood-drinking corpse, and more like someone being awoken to “Who Let The Dogs Out” by Baha Men.
While watching the movie, I turned to my two friends and started to ask questions like the ones above, but they were so engulfed in the fantasy of true love that I never got an answer. So I’m asking them here. This post was originally going to be a list of questions I had during the movie that I was unable to ask my friends, but it is now a warning to all guys to never see the movie Twilight. I don’t care if your girlfriend wants you to take her, and I don’t care if the girl you really really really really want to bone is dying to see it. It is the biggest waste of money in the whole world, and everything about the movie sucks. There is no plot, no rising action leading to a climatic ending, and the script was clearly composed of the director handing out ripped pages from the book 30 seconds before shooting.
Do not see Twilight. Take her to a good movie and make her watch Twilight on her own. Insist that she reads the book again, that will buy you time until it comes out on DVD. Do not see Twilight, do not see Twilight, do not see Twilight.