In The Defense Of My Son . . .

Dear Superintendent Davidson,

I would like to personally apologize for my son’s actions that unfolded last Thursday. My wife and I agree that his exploits were out of line and we will personally make sure he suffers the severest of consequences. I would, however, like to defend Anthony in his deeds, because although they were unacceptable and offensive, I feel that the school did not properly handle the situation.

For the months leading up to the incident with Anthony, he had been ruthlessly bullied by Jacob. On multiple occasions Anthony approached me with problems concerning Jacob and it was only a matter of time before it slipped out of hand. The “Peer Mediation” offered at your school only adds to the humiliation of the trouble. Anthony came home from school one day with a black eye and fat lip, claiming that Jacob had beaten him up after a Peer Mediation meeting.

Also, I feel that the no-knives policy at the school is foolish and outdated. In a Britain-like society in which no one is allowed weapons (whether they are for hunting, working, or essential to one’s way of life), the one rebel with the knife has an overly offensive advantage over those who are forced to follow the rule. I would also like to add that although Anthony had four or five knives on him at the time of arrest, Jacob also had one.

Similarly, concerning the topic of weapons, I believe in the Constitution it states that American citizens own the “right to bear arms.” And since I’m yet to see a man with two hairy forearms and razor-sharp claws, I’m assuming that this right allows us to carry guns. So I don’t personally see what was such a big deal about Anthony having a pistol on him at the time of apprehension. He didn’t kill anyone, and with today’s surgical technology bullets can be detected and removed in minutes. If it makes the situation any better I will personally pay for the four broken windows, two replaced doors, and Ms. Widrow’s facial reconstruction.

Lastly, I feel that unless the penalties on my son are nullified, I will be forced to press charges against Officer Rodriguez. His actions seemed very unauthorized and unorthodox. I realize that when a blood-thirsty felon is carrying a deadly weapon officers are allowed to use any means necessary, but my son is neither a felon nor blood-thirsty. This is, of course, ignoring the part where Anthony drank some of Ms. Widrow’s blood and screamed “I’m a blood-thirst felon.” Officer Rodriguez made no attempt to talk Anthony down, nor did he seem to follow any of the safety protocol taught at the police academy. Also, Officer Rodriguez failed to realize that Jacob was wielding a knife and therefore was also a threat to people’s safety, regardless of his being the victim at gunpoint. Whether you want to point the blame on Officer Rodriguez or the New York police academy, I would still like to make my discontent clear.

Once again, I apologize for my son Anthony’s actions last Thursday, and hope that he will be able to join the education system once again next year without any further problems.

Sincerely, Ronald Haverly.

P.S.- Anthony is really looking forward to 4th grade.


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Filed under Comedy, Joke, School

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