Nip/Tuck Your Movies

It seems that every time I talk about how awesome movies are becoming, something happens and they improve tenfold. My latest post about badass movies was the Steps To Creating A Kickass Action Movie in which I informed upcoming directors how to guarantee the success of their action movie. When it comes to violent movies, I have stopped caring about what actors are in it, who directed it, or what the plot it. All I look at now is when the movie was made.

Normally, I won’t watch a movie made before 2003. This isn’t because I think that past movies aren’t original or worth watching, it’s just that back in 2003 movies couldn’t be as violent as they’re allowed nowadays. A decade ago, showing a man get his face blown off was unthought-of, and any movie that dared to include such a scene would get horrible reviews. It was only until 2004/2005 when movies like Saw and Hostage came out when America finally accepted that there is nothing more entertaining than unorganized violence soaked in blood.

Today, every action movie has, on average, 32,498,728,324,987,109 people killed. Half of those people are viciously be-headed, and the other half are ferociously torn to shreds. It’s become a belief in modern movie-making that the amount of blood splattered is directly proportional with your positive reviews. I wouldn’t be surprised if in five years there’s a movie released consisting of two-and-a-half hours of non-stop headshots.

Unfortunately, the increase in blood has blinded directors from doing their jobs to tie in a plot. Too often movies dedicate too much time to properly detonating a Bowing 707 and forget that there has to be a reason to blow up the things they do. In order to fix this problem, movie writers have turned to irrational, far-fetched ideas as to why the main character needs to jump out of an airplane and simultaneously shoot 16,000 enemies. My favorite thing movie writers have done is try to belittle the audience by turning the end-of-the-movie twist into a complicated medical catastrophe that resulted in the death of thousands to save one man. A perfect example is Shoot Em Up, an amazing movie with Clive Owen as a relaxed sharp-shooter who uses carrots as his deadliest weapon. The movie is the personification of badass, but the end twist is the worst in movie. I’m not going to tell you what it is partly because I don’t want to give it away but mostly because I didn’t understand it past all the medical mumbo-jumbo. Basically, it has to do with a man forcing children/clones to be born so that he’ll have enough blood donors for a risky operation that will allow him to live longer. It doesn’t matter because at the point in the movie where they reveal the secret plot twist, you’re too dumbstruck by the fight scenes to realize how mediocre it is.

You can really tell that a movie has dedicated its entire budget to explosions and cut down on paying the people who think up story lines whenever a movie’s twist has to do with plastic surgery. With today’s modern technology, plastic surgery can literally make you a different person, and movie producers use that to their advantage while creating a surprise ending. Did the main character die? No he didn’t, they killed the wrong person and the main character got reconstructive surgery to hide his wanted face. Is this guy dead? No, he’s been alive for 30 years, he just looks different. My two examples for this are the movies War with Jet Lee, and Smokin’ Aces with Ryan Reynolds. These two movies (which my brother described as “lacking”) are jam packaged with violence, and when the producers realized that they were two hours and fifteen minutes into the film without any plot change, they turned to the one thing they could think of: plastic surgery. Watch the movie to understand what I mean, because describing it here is making me angry.

I still offer my services to anyone who wants to make a substantial action film, seeing as how I know everything and everyone agrees with what I say. You might not be able to recognize me though, I’m having facial reconstruction surgery.


1 Comment

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One response to “Nip/Tuck Your Movies

  1. Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation 🙂 Anyway … nice blog to visit.

    cheers, Cheep!

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