How The Mascot Plays A Major Role In Your College Selection

Nearing the end of my junior year I have started looking at colleges. And since my GPA is in the negative numbers, my standards are pretty low. I’m certainly not going to an Ivy League School, but I’ve also avoided drugs long enough to stay out of community college.

When considering what college you want to go to, there are numerous things you want to consider: Does the college support your major? What is the size of the school? What are the surrounding towns? How many kids apply and are accepted every year? What division are they for sports? What is the teacher/student ration? What much is tuition? Could you in there with your current GPA? How will your SAT scores affect your chances?

I have most of my decisions down: I want a school of 4,000-8,000 students surrounded by a large town that offers majors in communications and journalism. The school should be Division III for sports and demand an average 3.0 GPA. With those things considered, I’m looking at Keene State College in New Hampshire, and I took a tour there a month ago.

When I got to Keene, we all sat in this room and the baseball coach gave us an overview of the school’s offerings, criteria, and surroundings. He informed us that the Keene mascot is an owl (because when envisioning a vicious and relentlessly killing animal, you immediately focus on nocturnal birds) and that the town surrounding the college was where the movie Jumanji was filmed. The coach then went into complicated school terms like an integrated curriculum and a four-point system, so I zoned out and let my dad ask questions.

One thing I liked about the coach was that he referred to everything as an “entirely different animal.” Instead of simply saying “I’ll talk about that later” or “that’s another story,” he would always say “that’s an entirely different animal”:

Parent– How would internships help your life after college, does it allow you to get a foot in the door or is it simply necessary to gain credits?

Coach– Some classes, specifically education classes, demand internships as you reach the later semesters. I’ve heard of communication majors doing brief summer internships which have transformed into their career, but that’s an entirely different animal.

After watching the coach talk for a while I began to think a question in which this catch-phrase in the answer would actually work:

Parent– Are students allowed to bring pets into their dorms?

Coach– There have been students who have had a goldfish and a hamster in their dorms. My junior year I had a friend who bought a housecat for his suite, but that’s an entirely different animal.

The coach let us go and three girls toured us around the college campus. The tour mainly consisted of parents asking questions relating to when they went to college (“Where would students put their record players?”) while the kids stand around and awkwardly eye one another. The girls showed us around the campus where every building had an eerie relation to the team mascot. There was the “Night Owl” café; the “Owl’s Nest” convenience store; and the “Hoot And Scoot,” the Keene equivalent to fast-food. There stores were nice, but my favorite restaurant was the campus barbeque wing restaurant, Hooters. (swing and miss)

Choose a team mascot is a very serious issue on college campuses. Every year students go to college considering the location, population, and tuition, but never the mascot. The result? They major in political science at an Ivy League school, but play baseball for the “Madison University Belly Button Rings.”

When selecting a mascot, the safest category to choose from is animals, specifically predators. Lions, tigers, bear (oh my!) and cougars are all mascots that inject fear and terror into their opponents. Similarly, big aggressive birds are intimidating. Eagles, hawks, falcons, etc. all work, specifically if your Sunday night game is against the Harrison College Field Mice.

A bad category for mascot selection is anything to do with people. The Indians, Warriors, Minute Men, and Pirates are all embarrassing to your campus. No one wants to play the California University Foot Soldiers, and the South Trent Trojans are just degrading. The image of an Indian is even worse because the Indians started out with all of North America and would up defending plantations in Ohio. Trojan in a type of condom, and the Minute Men have trouble pleasing the ladies. (swing and a miss) The only exception is to name your team the Gladiators, but that only works if your home field looks like the coliseum and your mascot is Russell Crowe .

Keene State was a very nice college. It had exactly what I wanted: a communications major, a psychology minor, and hundreds of beautiful women. With the ability to communicate to women and read their minds, I’d be able to get dozens of attractive women. I’d tell you what I’d do with those girls, but that’s an entirely different animal.

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Filed under Comedy, Personal, School

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