I consider myself to be a very up-to-date person. I watch the latest movies, stay on top of world affairs, and have a general knowledge as to how porcupines mate. But one thing I can not comprehend is this whole Hannah Montana craze. I understand that she’s a huge pop-star with three albums and a Disney TV show, but who is she? Half the people call her Miley Cyrus, and the other half calls her Hannah Montana.
After doing some research I found out that our beloved pop-star’s real name is Destiny Hope Cyrus. She is in fact the daughter of Country has-been Billy Ray Cyrus, notorious for his song “Achy Breaky Heart”, and more infamous for sporting the six-foot mullet. The basis for Hannah’s (I’m calling her Hannah) show is that she is a normal girl who lives a secret double life of fame. Around her friends, she is mild mannered Miley Stewart, but through the crafty technology of makeup and disguise, she mysteriously transforms into superstar Hannah Montana! How does crafty Miley evade all suspicion while changing identities? Glasses? Face reconstruction? No, this girl changes her hair color:
I realize that today’s youth is slow and challenged, but I think that out of the 50,000,000 people watching her, one of them would make the connection:
Fan 1: Hey, doesn’t Hannah Montana look similar to that girl Miley at our school?
Fan 2: Yeah, they have the same eyes, voice, skin color, face, height, stature, and general appearance, only their hair color is different, so it’s impossible.
Fan 1: Right, how dumb of me to even think that.
In today’s world—or as I like to call it “The Real World”—a celebrity changing hair color wouldn’t hide their identity. At least Superman would wear a suit and glasses!
Paparazzi 1: Hey, where’d Brad Pitt go?
Paparazzi 2: I don’t know, he was right there, then he turned the corner, and now there’s only some loser with red hair.
Paparazzi 1: Someone push that red-head out of the way so we can find Brad!!!
If a celebrity really wanted to deter the chaotic life of fame, they would have to do something drastic like, for example, shave their head.
And it’s not that Hannah doesn’t have something strong going with this undisclosed stardom thing; it’s that she’s ruined it with her song “Best of Both Worlds.” In the song, she directly discusses her aliases and how she is secretly a celebrity. Some of her lyrics are:
Yeah, when you’re famous it can be kinda fun
It’s really you but no one ever discovers
In some ways you’re just like all your friends
But on stage you’re a star
Livin’ two lives is a little weird
But school’s cool ‘cause nobody knows
Hannah even says “with just a change of the hair, you can go anywhere.” As if it couldn’t get any more obvious! That’s like Superman releasing a song with the lyrics: “With just a phone booth near by, I’m a regular guy.”
Fan 1: Hey, what does Hannah mean by “with just a change of the hair, she can go anywhere?” Is she referring to some sort of wig?
Fan 2: Nah, she must mean that after doing her hair, she looks good enough to address the public.
Fan 1: I wish that girl Miley at our school could be as hot as Hannah.
Out of this entire thing, I have to feel bad for Billy Ray Cyrus. In the 90’s, this man was known for his one hit country wonder, and now his daughter is doing better than him. Let’s compare:
Hannah Montana’s Achievements: She has three different albums, one of which was a double album under her real name; she was ranked at #17 in the Forbes Top 20 Earners Under 25; she earns $3.5 million a year; she released a Hannah Montana clothing collection; and has her own Disney television show.
Billy Ray Cyrus’s Achievements: He has a massive mullet.
My prediction for Hannah Montana’s future are the same as any Disney star’s:
1. She begins staring in movies, first children’s films, and then when she attempts adult films she realizes that she sucks.
2. After dieing out a little bit, she gets caught doing cocaine and goes into rehab
3. Pictures of her naked are released, and no one cares.
4. She changes her pen name to “Hannah Canada,” claiming that she’s the same as Montana, only higher up.
As for Billy Ray Cyrus, I predict that he is never heard of again, never making another albums and dieing of old age at 78. But if he ever does want to become famous, a secret superstar life is only a hair-change away.