Okay, I’ve been delaying on writing a post for a while, and I did write a Christmas post that was hilarious but I left it in my locker and haven’t been able to retrieve it over the break. So instead, my Christmas post will be the next post I release (meaning that it will most likely come out in late October) and I will publish a post about shows of television. Mainly, how shitty American television has gotten.
First let me start off with a chart displaying the sheer lack of ideas television has, specifically the teen-targeted show Vh1:
You’ll see that over the past few years every show on Vh1 has evolved from another, caused by a massive shortage of creativity, originality, and giving-a-shit-ity. I feel bad for the other programs that have to actually work to think up new plotlines and show ideas, whereas Vh1 just bullshits their efforts and bases new crappy shows off their old crappy shows. And if you think that I just analyzed one model from Vh1, here’s another, less intricate, example:
Let me also remind you that Adrianne Curry came from America’s Next Top Model, another Vh1 show. In addition, we tend to see a pattern of all these crappy shows evolving from The Surreal Life; as we can also see in The Salt N Peppa Show premiering after Peppa was on The Surreal Life. The only way I can see this horrible cycle from stopping is eliminating The Surreal Life series, or just shutting down Vh1 all together.
But this sequence of shows building off one another doesn’t just happen on Vh1, it also happens on MTV. MTV—which once stood for “Music Television”, but now stands for “The Worst Shows On Television”—did a similar pattern when they had The Hills based off of a character from Laguna Beach moving.
And since we’re on the subject of MTV, let me talk about how sick of “Reality TV” I am. MTV was once a show that played nothing but music videos. That was less than 5 years ago. Now all they broadcast is shows of spoiled rich kids getting richer and more spoiled. It’s crap, and I don’t watch it. No one should. The only show I watch on MTV is MADE, and that’s because I’m going to be on it.
My next concern is this show Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? This series on FOX is where they take regular people and quiz them on questions they would have learned in elementary school. Maybe it’s because 5th grade was only six years ago, but I find this show to be an excuse to make people look brainless. To confirm my point, I will remind you that the show is hosted by Jeff Foxworthy, a man notorious for pointing out people’s stupidity. A series with a background like that can only lead to people messing up simple questions and being humiliated of national television:
Jeff: Alright folks today on our show we have Dr. Theodore Madison. He’s 45 years old, has a Doctor’s Degree in Pre-Med and Psychology, and graduated at the top of his class at Brown. In his spare time he enjoys doing crossword puzzles, sudoku, and reading Shakespeare. How are you Teddy?
Teddy: I’m doing well Jeff, and it’s great to be here.
Jeff: And going up against Ted will be little Henry James, age 11. He is a 5th grader at Lincoln Elementary School and his favorite activity is coloring and Four Square, and in his spare time he calls Susie a poop-face. After the commercial these two fierce competitors will go head-to-head to see is Ted is truly smarter than a fifth grader.
25 minutes later . . .
Jeff: Howdy folks, and welcome back. After a tough competition these two opponents have tested their knowledge to it’s fullest, but the winner is little Henry James with a score of 125. In second place is Dr. Theodore Madison with negative 275 points. God bless you for trying Ted, and better luck next time. Henry, is there anything you would like to say to the people that are watching?
Henry: I like turtles.
Jeff: Me too Henry, me too.
Let me tell you what I learned in 5th grade. I learned that Ferdinand Magellan was the first man to sail around the earth, how to conjugate the verb “am,” and—as an extra hard twist to challenge the mentally experienced—long division. In fact, I think that the curriculum I learned in 5th grade is the material I remember more than anything else I’ve learned, and that I use it more than any of the crap I’ve been force-fed in high school. The idea that full-grown adults are unable to remember the information either means that a) they were less educated than us, or b) I will forget everything I ever learned in elementary school once I get into a brain-washing job. All I can say is that I remember the introduction to the Constitution and you don’t. Who’s Generation X now you sons of bitches!?! HA!
That’s all I have to say for now, partly because I’m not watching TV so there’s nothing else to spark my memory, and partly because it’s 2:30 in the morning and I want to go to bed. I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and I promise that one of the upcoming posts will be about Christmas. Hell, maybe I’ll just make a post based off of this one, and then release one the links to that one. In time my website will be a chain of shitty ass posts that all connect back to this one. I’ll make a chart for you: here.