As summer comes to a close and school haunts every child’s dreams, other things are beginning as well; in my case Varsity Soccer. I made the team last year as a sophomore but we didn’t do all that well due to the fact that we were a young team and all the good players graduated. This year, however, we have kicked off the season with a bang by going 2-1 in the preseason and already winning a tournament. Instead of yelling at each other for mistakes like we did last year, my team would communicate and overcome our opponents while having a good time. So how does a team once so bad become such a well-functioning, close-knit family? Easy: we try hard during practice, give it all we have during a game, and TOILET PAPER HOUSES!!!!
That’s right folks, we have been TPing throughout Arlington for the past two weeks and it is the greatest team-bonding experience ever. In Arlington, the boys’ soccer team TPs the girls’ soccer team, and vice-versa. We thought it would be good if we struck first, so we started very early. In TPing, however, it isn’t just a walk in the park. You don’t just stroll up to some house with toilet paper in your hands. You have to be stealth and work as a team; communication becomes your best weapon and noise becomes your enemy. If done properly, a team of 20 kids can TP an entire house in 15 minutes. And when we leave the scene, that house is no longer a normal house, but it is a normal house with toilet paper all over it. My team is not as elite as we should be due to dumbass sophomores coming with us, but we are working on it. And for all of you who don’t know how to TP a house, allow me to give you the breakdown.
While TPing a house in Arlington, you don’t just throw toilet paper all over their trees. That would be too simple and could be cleaned up in two days. In A-Town, TPing consists of four elements:
1. Toilet Paper
2. Plastic Wrap
3. Shaving Cream
Upon pulling up to a house, 10 of the kids should begin TPing, each with their own roll. While throwing a roll, you can’t just chuck from lob of paper into a tree and expect it to stick, there is a massive tactic that goes into TPing. The first step is to unwrap the toilet paper. You may think this is obvious, but there have been many people who thought that TPing was where you unloaded a bunch of toilet paper rolls onto someone’s lawn and left them the inconvenience of picking them up. So please, make sure to unwrap the roll to avoid looking like a rookie.
The next thing to do is to let a little tail out. By this, I mean unravel your roll just a bit as to let some of the toilet paper go, similar to a kite string. This will almost guarantee that when you hurl your paper into the trees it will get caught and, upon decent, come undone even more, making the perfect mess. But there are some rules for untangling. For example, if you are throwing your toilet paper over a house, you want to leave a lot of tail so that you can leave a large strip across the roof. The longer the tail, sooner your toilet paper is going to stick and the more work it is the clean up.
Lastly, you must throw your toilet paper correctly. Nothing makes me more upset than kids who fling their toilet paper into a tree like the shot put over and over again, and makes no mess at all because it doesn’t unroll. While TPing, you must grip the toilet paper around the roll so that your fingers are at the tangent point of the tail, then while throwing, flip your fingers, giving the roll a spiral that further unknots the paper. This way your tail will grow and get tangled up in the trees, and—let’s face it—no one likes it when toilet paper is in their trees.
While ten or so players participate in the actual TPing of the house, one or two kids use plastic wrap to make everything harder to clean up, as well as add another element of destruction. The best things to plastic wrap are cars, and if two guys work together, they can gift-wrap an SUV in about 10 minutes; making the doors inoperable and the car a clear, glittery masterpiece. If the girl does not own a car, wrapping plastic wrap around the railings of their steps works too, and when they stumble out of their house in a blind haze, the gift wrap will prove that mime-stuck-in-a-box look.
Next, another kids four should run around the house with shaving cream bottles. No, this isn’t so that if one TPer gets five o’clock shadow he can be easily trimmed; it is so that the four kids with shaving cream can write the most obnoxious, vulgar, and womanizing things ever said. Large penises are drawn on the driveways (most of them equipped with pubic hair and ejaculating heads), insults about how girls soccer is a joke are scripted into the lawn, and the girl’s name is posted EVERYWHERE in shaving cream. In short, the guys with the shaving cream are verbally displaying what the toilet paper can not; namely that boys will always be better than girls.
Lastly, the remaining five kids should unload garbage onto the lawn. But we’re not talking regular old garbage in a black bag. We are talking the most awkward, uncommon, annoying items you could place on a person’s property. TVs, radios, tables and even microwaves all find themselves on people’s lawns. This week, for example, we put together a bed on some girl’s lawn, mattress and all. We don’t know how she’s going to get rid of it, and we don’t really care. All that matters is that we made her house the worst place to live, and that she is going to be spending the next week removing toilet paper, shaving cream, plastic wrap and a bed from her house.
TPing is one of many good ways to bond a team together, and I highly suggest it for yours. If you badminton team seems to be in a slump, go throw some toilet paper on someone’s lawn and everything will be better. In Arlington, TPing is used as a sign of strength, power, and to show that boys are better than girls. Why are boys better than girls? Simple: because we have penises. And they’re not written on our driveway.