The following is a list I have compiled of certain articles of clothing that should not ever be worn by a man. I’m not even sure why they made these clothes in men’s sizes; maybe they just had a surplus of material or someone thought it would be cool to look like a faggot.
For each article of clothing I will try to include a picture. I do not necessarily suggest that you look at the picture (for fear of your retinas burning), but you should try to recognize the clothing to know that you should never ever wear anything like it. Let it be forewarned that most of the pictures in this are graphic, and if at any point you feel uncomfortable during the viewing of this article you may stop at any time. And if at any during the viewing of this article you begin to feel all tingly inside, that is just you turning into a woman.
Finally, for all the styles shown, I will provide a high school level grade. I am going to see if the total score of these styles can precede my present GPA of 2.4.
1. GUCCI Glasses
GUCCI is an Italian brand of fashion ranging from leather jackets to leather purses; from leather wallets to leather shoes. In fact, the only thing that isn’t leather is their dumbass sunglasses that they make people wear. On girls the glasses look alright, but God forbid they leave anything just for women. Ever since the women’s rights movement, women have wanted to be treated equal. So they feel that if they are forced to wear retarded sunglasses, men should too! And because of that, we now look like this.
What’s worse is when guys wear the glasses around their necks like necklaces. A kid in my math class did that and I would cringe whenever I looked at it. Oh yeah, it’s a good thing you paid $250 for those glasses around your neck, we wouldn’t want your throat to get the sun in its eyes.
Everyone knows that the only type of sunglasses anyone should wear is Aviators. Throughout the history of the universe, all dedicated men have proudly displayed Aviators on their face. We don’t need guys running around in athletic glasses that decrease their hydration decomposition while maintaining their endurance stability or whatever. We need men that know what is right and what is wrong. And Gucci sunglasses are wrong.
2. Ripped Jeans
Whoever thought it would be “hip” and “cool” to wear jeans that were broken was a dumbass. “Hey, let’s take pants that people usually throw out and make them buy them!” And not only are they available on the shelves, they’re too expensive for me to even buy! The marketing ploy is simple: tackle hobos off the street, steal their clothes, and price them at $150 in Abercrombie.
When I go out with friends, I want to look somewhat civilized; not like I just painted a house. My pasty white legs rarely ever see the light of day and I don’t want people looking at them. And lastly, I don’t even want to know what shirt that guy is wearing in the picture, provided it’s actually a guy. And if it is, he needs to button his pants and buy a belt.
3. Fishnet shirt
Once a fabric used for marine survival, fishnet is now a not-so-stylish brand of clothes that only faggots wear. People who wear it are generally described as lonely, friendless, abandoned, isolated, and Gothic.
The only plus about the fishnet shirt is that it is one of the few articles of clothing that eliminates race. No matter what skin color you are, all of humanity can join together in their fishnet shirts and look like total rejects. I’m not even sure what occasion would be appropriate for you to wear a fishnet shirt. My only guess is a wrist-cutting cult meeting or a My Chemical Romance concert. All I know is that if you wear a fishnet shirt, you deserve to be in the bottom of the ocean. But then again, we don’t want to pollute.
Women wear pink. Cute puppy dogs wear pink. Even small rabbits have pink bows around their neck. The above information proves that the color pink is associated with weakness, hence it not being a man’s color. The man in this picture is hopefully part of some bowling team, because anyone who thinks they are cool enough to pull off pink are faggots and should be raped in jail. Also, that guy looks somewhat like Robery Deniro, which is another reason why he should be raped in jail.
The only thing worse than a guy wearing pink is a guy wearing a pink shirt labeled “Tough Guys Wear Pink.” No, tough guys do not wear pink. Tough guys wear police uniforms, aviator sunglasses, and bathe in lava. If you wear pink, you probably take frequent bubble baths, refer to things are “spazmatic,” and listen to Jesse McCarthy.
I hear that if you wear a pink shirt for too long, you start getting a monthly period.
As if things couldn’t get less witty and tough than the “Tough Guys Wear Pink” shirts, some retard released a pink shirt which read “Don’t Laugh, This Is Your Girlfriend’s Shirt.” That saying might be funny if you were to say it to someone, but when written on a shirt the entire meaning is lost.
Think about it logically. Let’s say, hypothetically, my girlfriend had a shirt that read “Don’t Laugh, This Is Your Girlfriend’s Shirt” on it. That would mean that my girlfriend was either expecting to cheat on me and bought that shirt beforehand, or she was in fact a lesbian who hooked up with your girlfriend who bought the shirt beforehand and then gave it to you as a present. And even if my girlfriend had that shirt (which she doesn’t because I don’t have a girlfriend and I would break up with one if she bought that shirt) who’s to say that she would chose that shirt to give you? Why not a different colored shirt; maybe one that doesn’t make you look like a homo.
5. Vote For Pedro Shirts
Granted, Napoleon Dynamite was a funny movie—specifically the dancing at the end. And even though everyone walked away from the movie with flawless pickup lines (“Are you drinking one percent because you think you’re fat? ‘Cuase you’re not”) and remarkable insults (“Idiot!”), one of the things that should have remained in this movie were the shirts.
Not once have I ever walked down the street and thought “Hey, that kid wearing the Vote For Pedro shirt is really cool!” This is because if you wear a Vote For Pedro Shirt, you are not cool. You are a loser who watches Napoleon Dynamite too many times. I don’t even think that girls should wear this shirt. No one should wear this shirt; it is off limits to anyone. If anyone gave me one, I would use it as a rag to pour chloroform on and kill them.
6. The Man Thong
Everyone knows that every man cherishes the same thing. Something that he holds so dear to him, he would chose even over his immediate family. Without this, a man is no longer a man, but simply a confused blob mindlessly wondering the earth. This treasure, of course, is a man’s PlayStation.
Just kidding, it’s his penis. And every man thinks that he has the biggest penis of all. This of course is not true, because Chuck Norris has the biggest penis of all—with me finishing second and Vin Diesel in close third. And even though every man thinks he has the biggest dick ever, at no point should he be allowed to display his man-gina so openly. If a woman wants to look at a guy’s package, look at it. Don’t stare at a bulge that might be in a guy’s pants. It could also be a crease in his jeans; or maybe his phone. Maybe it’s not even a guy at all and just a very masculine woman who stuffs a cucumber down her pants and poses as a man so that she’ll be able to get a better paying job. I guess that last option would make you a lesbian. You dike.
So, let’s tally up the scores!
C+ = 2.5
D+ = 1.5
D- = 1
C+ = 2.5
B- = 3
F = 0
I’m assuming that if you were to put all of these fashions together at the same time, you would look similar to Richard Simmons, so I am going to just say that I am smarter than him. So Richard Simmons, if you’re reading this, Go Away.
The reason I post up things like this is to help you. I want to warn you that doing anything you just saw or read about is illegal, and you will be sentenced to a firing squad if you attempt to wear any of the fashions above. Also, you should know that I have no idea how to calculate GPA, and also that I am probably not smarter than Richard Simmons. So as you walk away from this life-altering article, just remember that if you wear Gucci sunglasses you’re a flamer; if your jeans have intentional rips in them you have too much money, and that you should always always always—no matter what the occasion—Vote For Pedro.