Tough Guys Don’t Wear Pink

The following is a list I have compiled of certain articles of clothing that should not ever be worn by a man. I’m not even sure why they made these clothes in men’s sizes; maybe they just had a surplus of material or someone thought it would be cool to look like a faggot.

For each article of clothing I will try to include a picture. I do not necessarily suggest that you look at the picture (for fear of your retinas burning), but you should try to recognize the clothing to know that you should never ever wear anything like it. Let it be forewarned that most of the pictures in this are graphic, and if at any point you feel uncomfortable during the viewing of this article you may stop at any time. And if at any during the viewing of this article you begin to feel all tingly inside, that is just you turning into a woman.

Finally, for all the styles shown, I will provide a high school level grade. I am going to see if the total score of these styles can precede my present GPA of 2.4.

1.   GUCCI Glasses

GUCCI is an Italian brand of fashion ranging from leather jackets to leather purses; from leather wallets to leather shoes. In fact, the only thing that isn’t leather is their dumbass sunglasses that they make people wear. On girls the glasses look alright, but God forbid they leave anything just for women. Ever since the women’s rights movement, women have wanted to be treated equal. So they feel that if they are forced to wear retarded sunglasses, men should too! And because of that, we now look like this.

What’s worse is when guys wear the glasses around their necks like necklaces. A kid in my math class did that and I would cringe whenever I looked at it. Oh yeah, it’s a good thing you paid $250 for those glasses around your neck, we wouldn’t want your throat to get the sun in its eyes.

Everyone knows that the only type of sunglasses anyone should wear is Aviators. Throughout the history of the universe, all dedicated men have proudly displayed Aviators on their face. We don’t need guys running around in athletic glasses that decrease their hydration decomposition while maintaining their endurance stability or whatever. We need men that know what is right and what is wrong. And Gucci sunglasses are wrong.

 Grade: C+

2.   Ripped Jeans

Whoever thought it would be “hip” and “cool” to wear jeans that were broken was a dumbass. “Hey, let’s take pants that people usually throw out and make them buy them!” And not only are they available on the shelves, they’re too expensive for me to even buy! The marketing ploy is simple: tackle hobos off the street, steal their clothes, and price them at $150 in Abercrombie.

When I go out with friends, I want to look somewhat civilized; not like I just painted a house. My pasty white legs rarely ever see the light of day and I don’t want people looking at them. And lastly, I don’t even want to know what shirt that guy is wearing in the picture, provided it’s actually a guy. And if it is, he needs to button his pants and buy a belt.

Grade: D+

3.   Fishnet shirt

Once a fabric used for marine survival, fishnet is now a not-so-stylish brand of clothes that only faggots wear. People who wear it are generally described as lonely, friendless, abandoned, isolated, and Gothic.

The only plus about the fishnet shirt is that it is one of the few articles of clothing that eliminates race. No matter what skin color you are, all of humanity can join together in their fishnet shirts and look like total rejects. I’m not even sure what occasion would be appropriate for you to wear a fishnet shirt. My only guess is a wrist-cutting cult meeting or a My Chemical Romance concert. All I know is that if you wear a fishnet shirt, you deserve to be in the bottom of the ocean. But then again, we don’t want to pollute.

Grade: D-

4.  Pink

Women wear pink. Cute puppy dogs wear pink. Even small rabbits have pink bows around their neck. The above information proves that the color pink is associated with weakness, hence it not being a man’s color. The man in this picture is hopefully part of some bowling team, because anyone who thinks they are cool enough to pull off pink are faggots and should be raped in jail.  Also, that guy looks somewhat like Robery Deniro, which is another reason why he should be raped in jail.

The only thing worse than a guy wearing pink is a guy wearing a pink shirt labeled “Tough Guys Wear Pink.” No, tough guys do not wear pink. Tough guys wear police uniforms, aviator sunglasses, and bathe in lava. If you wear pink, you probably take frequent bubble baths, refer to things are “spazmatic,” and listen to Jesse McCarthy.

I hear that if you wear a pink shirt for too long, you start getting a monthly period.

As if things couldn’t get less witty and tough than the “Tough Guys Wear Pink” shirts, some retard released a pink shirt which read “Don’t Laugh, This Is Your Girlfriend’s Shirt.” That saying might be funny if you were to say it to someone, but when written on a shirt the entire meaning is lost.

Think about it logically. Let’s say, hypothetically, my girlfriend had a shirt that read “Don’t Laugh, This Is Your Girlfriend’s Shirt” on it. That would mean that my girlfriend was either expecting to cheat on me and bought that shirt beforehand, or she was in fact a lesbian who hooked up with your girlfriend who bought the shirt beforehand and then gave it to you as a present. And even if my girlfriend had that shirt (which she doesn’t because I don’t have a girlfriend and I would break up with one if she bought that shirt) who’s to say that she would chose that shirt to give you? Why not a different colored shirt; maybe one that doesn’t make you look like a homo.

Grade: C+

5.  Vote For Pedro Shirts

Granted, Napoleon Dynamite was a funny movie—specifically the dancing at the end. And even though everyone walked away from the movie with flawless pickup lines (“Are you drinking one percent because you think you’re fat? ‘Cuase you’re not”) and remarkable insults (“Idiot!”), one of the things that should have remained in this movie were the shirts.

Not once have I ever walked down the street and thought “Hey, that kid wearing the Vote For Pedro shirt is really cool!” This is because if you wear a Vote For Pedro Shirt, you are not cool. You are a loser who watches Napoleon Dynamite too many times. I don’t even think that girls should wear this shirt. No one should wear this shirt; it is off limits to anyone. If anyone gave me one, I would use it as a rag to pour chloroform on and kill them.

Grade: B-

6.   The Man Thong

Everyone knows that every man cherishes the same thing. Something that he holds so dear to him, he would chose even over his immediate family. Without this, a man is no longer a man, but simply a confused blob mindlessly wondering the earth. This treasure, of course, is a man’s PlayStation.

Just kidding, it’s his penis. And every man thinks that he has the biggest penis of all. This of course is not true, because Chuck Norris has the biggest penis of all—with me finishing second and Vin Diesel in close third. And even though every man thinks he has the biggest dick ever, at no point should he be allowed to display his man-gina so openly. If a woman wants to look at a guy’s package, look at it. Don’t stare at a bulge that might be in a guy’s pants. It could also be a crease in his jeans; or maybe his phone. Maybe it’s not even a guy at all and just a very masculine woman who stuffs a cucumber down her pants and poses as a man so that she’ll be able to get a better paying job. I guess that last option would make you a lesbian. You dike.

Grade: F

So, let’s tally up the scores!
C+ = 2.5
D+ = 1.5
D- = 1
C+ = 2.5
B- = 3
F = 0

GPA= 1.75

I’m assuming that if you were to put all of these fashions together at the same time, you would look similar to Richard Simmons, so I am going to just say that I am smarter than him. So Richard Simmons, if you’re reading this, Go Away.

The reason I post up things like this is to help you. I want to warn you that doing anything you just saw or read about is illegal, and you will be sentenced to a firing squad if you attempt to wear any of the fashions above. Also, you should know that I have no idea how to calculate GPA, and also that I am probably not smarter than Richard Simmons. So as you walk away from this life-altering article, just remember that if you wear Gucci sunglasses you’re a flamer; if your jeans have intentional rips in them you have too much money, and that you should always always always—no matter what the occasion—Vote For Pedro.

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11 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Something

11 responses to “Tough Guys Don’t Wear Pink

  1. Anonymous

    This article reeks of an angry teenager trying too hard to be funny.

  2. Achmed

    Ehh.. it did sound like you were trying too hard, but whatever. I found it mildly amusing.

  3. While I actually like this publish, I think there was an spelling error shut to the finish with the 3rd sentence.

  4. ToxicRavePanda

    I just feel as though this article is very rude. Especially your reference to being lonely, friendless, abandoned, isolated, and gothic.And no, these clothes weren’t made for guys who “wanna look like faggots” i find fashion a freedom of expression. That people shouldn’t be so close minded and pessimistic. And I second Anonymous that this article does reek of anger and that you are trying too hard to be funny. Maybe your filled with just enough insecurity that you cant express yourself to scared to think outside of the box like a insecure girl banging on the closet door. Being close minded isn’t going to get you anywhere in life.

  5. Josh

    Well I have read this article and I must say you are one of the biggest retarded fuck faces in the world. 1. While Gucci does make a lot of fashion for women and is usually nice way overpriced but still nice. The stuff they make for men are usually in an Italian fashion sense. Does it look stupid, no, make you look like a fag, no. 2. Ripped jeans are a style of a out doors kind of person. A surfer or a skater. More of a relaxed kind of person. 3. Fishnet shirts are lame but everything you said is kinda messed up. 4. Wow really? Straight men wear pink all the time. Some do it because they help support the fight for breast cancer. Very nice of them to do it. Some wear it because their girlfriend says they look hot in it…. better chance of them getting laid. You know making their girlfriend happy. But you wouldn’t know anything about that would you… Also the tough guys wear pink shirt well they kind of have to be tough when they have stupid douches like you bashing them. It’s a fucking color get over yourself. The don’t laugh it’s your girlfriends shirt is funny. I mean think about it. I was with your girlfriend last night, lost my shirt so I had to grab any shirt I could. But again never going to happen to you because well lets face it you are a stupid douche. 5. While I found that movie incredibly stupid there are many who actually enjoyed it. They are supporting the movie. They enjoyed it. Next you are going to say that wearing a star wars shirt makes you “not cool” and a “loser” well you are wrong, 6. While I am against men wearing thongs, a lot of men wear them. Some for sexual appeal to women because some women like it. Others wear it for other reasons. All your talk about looking like a faggot and everything and then you go and say “every man thinks that he has the biggest penis of all. This of course is not true, because Chuck Norris has the biggest penis of all—with me finishing second and Vin Diesel in close third.” You sir have some issues. To even think about judging another mans penis. Most men that brag about their penis is usually a lying sack of shit. However there are some instances that are acceptable to boast about it. Shirts and belt buckles that say the man with the arrow going up and the legend with the arrow going down. Things like that you look at and you laugh. It is meant for all intensive purposes to be a joke. That is why it was made. In conclusion you sir have no taste in fashion and should not be judging anyone, but you are also very rude and probably angry at the world because you yourself lack in any importance. Good day sir.

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  9. BoysWillBeBoys--And--Men/BoysCan'tWearPink

    Men and boys shouldn’t have the possibility to wear pink clothes! I mean… it definitely is a girls color. It Really is a womens/girls only color! Men and boys should be into the color blue. Only girls and women can love the color pink. I love discipline in defining the roles of these two colors.
    Blue: for the boys and the men. Pink: for girls and women only and absolutelky not for a boy or man. We should had prevented that here has changed a thing into the division of roles which labeled blue as a boys color and pink as a girls color. The color pink should be banned in orde to fabricate in the boys and men’s collection. In other words: Men’s clothing may not contain pink colors. All still existing pink colored men’s clothing must be burned. Our own pink colored men’s clothing must be burned too. ?Factories mustn’t make pink clothes for boys and men. It must be forbidden for men to wear pink colored clothing. TO ALL POLIYICANS: Make a nationwide law which obligates that each men must behave himself as a traditional stereotype of the man such as we know. This rule should be applied to every boy/man, includes myself. I will have to stick me to the rule. The rule will forbid men and boys to wear pink because it doesn’t belong to the traditional stereotype of the man to wear pink. If you’re aplotican you can also make a law seperate of the law i described above. this law has to be a law which criminalizes men and boy’s to wear, like or own pink colored clothing, it will be a law which forces men to hate the color pink. I think those laws are really really needed in the world and need to be globalized to protect our masculinity. All countries must decide to include those two rules in their own legislation. The assume of the rules cannot be undone. Or at least it should be impossible to undone those two rules. These rules has to remain forever in all worldwide made laws. We should get the pink men’s clothing out of these world. Never let a boy wear the color pink! Never let a man choose the color pink for his clothes. The woorld should stop tolerating men and boys who want to wear pink or who still are wearing the color Pink!

    I prefer the color the blue and don’t like the color pink because I’m a man. And I will never wear the color pink! Never! I hate guys who wear pink! You won’t see mee wearing it!

  10. Tha Boss Man

    Im guessing the author who wrote this never had a good tase for fashion in his life because he merely could not understand it nor aford it. I see that the author has a lot of passion for his opinion but I see no convincing evidence or point of view to influence his readers in his article. I can sense a bit of envy toward the people he is targeting and it must link to a problem in his life; possibly these people with a “poor ” or “Feminine” taste of fashion stole the spotlight and got laid while he will still wearing clothes from k-mart and was a virgin throughout his young adult hood.

  11. Tha Boss Man

    So I guess this guy is a masculine Fashion Expert

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