Bizzoony.com Is An Overrated Piece Of $h*t

AIM is a huge part of my life. I think it plays a major role in most middle school, high school, and even college social lives. People use it to keep in touch with friends far away, it enables you to talk to multiple people at a given time, and it also allows you to talk dirty to a girl without her knowing who you are. With AIM, awkward situations are eliminated, social lives can be saved, and—most importantly—you can talk dirty to a girl without her knowing who you are.

I am such a big fan of AIM that I am signed up on their email list. Now, thanks to them signing me up without my consent, I get a daily email showing me what new plugins I can download to surf the net on my wristwatch. Just last week I received an email entitled (and this is true) “ROTFL With Funny Uncut Video” that showed a hilarious clip of this old woman walking her dog. After viewing the film I could not help but LOL and LMAO while ROTFL and PAOTF. Every week I gratefully except these emails and thoroughly search them for vital information that will assist me in my social life. And when I don’t find any, I delete them.

Today I got an email with the subject reading “Stay In Touch Wherever You Are.” Reluctantly, I opened the folder and saw an article titled “Computers Are Overrated.” I thought it was a little strange that an industry based off of a computer would be calling them overrated, but I read on. And I’m upset that I did. The first sentence read “Being a couch potato may get a bad rap, but there’s nothing wrong with it in the IM world.” Ahh yes, the IM World. A mystical land where rainbows and butterflies dance wildly across the flowery fields and frolic with unicorns. A world where a couch potato is treated like royalty while the overachievers are discouraged and deemed “hooligans;” a world where smelling good is merely a preference and where everything logical is overrated. The prime minister of IM world is the biggest couch potato in the world! Many argue that he isn’t even human and may in fact be a genetically altered potato! In IM World, real people are overrated.

The article continued, “stay in touch with your buddies in real time right on your cell phone, without leaving the comfort of your bed, your car . . .” Granted, you can only stay in touch with your friends if they are also in the IM World, otherwise your phone bill could reach estimates of fourteen zillion dollars. But it doesn’t matter because you’re in IM World!!! In the IM World, phone bills are also overrated. In the IM World it is encouraged to be the scum of the earth! Not only is there nothing wrong with being a lazy fat ass, but you are encouraged to loot, rape, pillage, and steal as much as possible. In the IM World, everyone’s a winner!! Just don’t leave your couch.

Because I’m such an adult, cultivated, and generally mature person, I spend the majority of my Friday nights talking to middle schoolers online. For some reason these kids get a hold of my screen name (probably because I regularly post it up on this site) and feel that it’s alright to talk to me. Don’t get me wrong; I appreciate people talking to me online and commenting about how they like my site. I just despise it when little kids keep talking to me thinking that their life in interesting enough to entertain me.

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: yo

RandyQuenchVFM: Hey, do I know you?

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: ur site kix @$$

RandyQuenchVFM: Do you mean that my site kicks ass?

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: yeh

RandyQuenchVFM: So why did you say “@$$”?

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: my parents dunt want me swearin

RandyQuenchVFM: So, hypothetically, if I were to curse, you wouldn’t be able to talk to me anymore?

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: yeh

RandyQuenchVFM: Fuck.

RandyQuenchVFM: Shit

RandyQuenchVFM: Tits

RandyQuenchVFM: Bitch

RandyQuenchVFM: Asshole

IpretendMyParentsHitMe2bCool52: dnt do that ur a luzr

RandyQuenchVFM: Ball Sack

As you can see, I will do anything it takes to get rid of these middle schoolers. Because if I don’t, I will find myself in the middle of a conversation about how much their life sucks in 6th grade. Generally the guys are cool, and they try to share stories about how they hooked up with the hottest chick in their school. But since, they’re only in 7th grade their complacent stories are more like, “yeah, and then when she was tying her shoe, I looked at her boobs.” Whoa, slow down there Ron Jeremy. What I hate the most about talking to these kids is how they intentionally abbreviate their words. A word like “because” is not hard to spell; it’s seven letters. There is no need to go “bcz” or “cuz,” just spell the damn word. Likewise, “your” and “you’re” are tiny little words and do not need to be substituted with “ur.”

But it’s not even that. It’s kids who deliberately take the time to abbreviate things just to say cool. For 11 years of his life a kid was taught to spell the words “What Is Up” correctly. Then in 6th grade he gets AIM and he’s suddenly going sup, wuz up, tsup, and, my personal favorite, wats ^. I know for a fact that these words are less convenient to type because I was one of those retards searching for the up arrow in order to ask what’s up in a cool way. That is why I have no friends and manage a poorly written blog.

Lastly, if your parents find some way to check your AIM conversations and discourage you swearing, don’t even try to swear. If you’re mad at someone, tell them to go away. Don’t go and act tough while censoring yourself because it doesn’t seem very threatening when your conversation is like this:

iuzed2runtrak: kiss my @$$

ilistn2gunit247: Go screw urself

iuzed2runtrak: ur a piece of $h*t

ilistn2guni247: Shut the heck up u B%&@#

iuzed2runtrak: Go to H-E-Double hockey stick!!!

I think that is really all the beef I have with AIM. Besides the fact that it controls the majority of our lives and without it we would have approximately three friends; but that’s just a minor detail. So if you walk away from this post with nothing else, just remember these three things:

1. In the IM World, there is nothing wrong with being a couch potato.
2. If you’re a middle schooler, a very immature high schooler, or just someone who likes to complain a lot, under no circumstances should you ever IM me.
3. Computers are overrated.

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2 Comments

Filed under AIM, Comedy

2 responses to “Bizzoony.com Is An Overrated Piece Of $h*t

  1. alana

    i have to say, one of the worst ones is
    S^
    or even nmu. whenever you ask somebody how they are, you KNOW they will say that. and what really pisses me off is when people say JK or LOL when they’re talking in actual conversation. the whole point of abreviating words is so you dont have to type them. but now people are to lazy to even SAY them. oy gevalt what has this world come to?

  2. hebrew, no? but dont think that just because you speak hebrew you are above all of the lol’ing and jk’ing in the world….im going to assume that you say all of that too, מְדוּיָק

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