For If Thou Are Overrated, Is Thou Not Just Above The Rate?

There are many people who are overrated. People who everyone makes a big deal about and act as if the guy is a staggering God. In time, everyone makes such a big deal about this one idol that you too become brainwashed. You become obsessed with this individual and can only fathom about how cool he is. You fantasize about meeting him and dream to one day talk to him, but then when you actually do get to know him, you are disappointed to learn that the person in, in fact, Donald Trump. In my mind, actors are the most overrated people in the known universe. Denzel Washington, Adam Sandler, Jim Carry, Seann William Scott, and Amanda Bynes are just a handful of actors I deem overrated. You will notice that all of the people are men here, and that is because men are really the only people who can be overrated, because women have such low expectations that they rarely dishearten others. You may be asking yourself, “but what about Amanda Bynes; isn’t she a woman?” And the answer to that is no. Amanda Bynes is a straight up man.

Of course, it is very difficult to define what I deem overrated. For actors, I base my decisions on their acting ability; specifically a large variety of talent. I feel that if someone is paid millions of dollars for every movie they appear in, they should at least be able to spice it up a bit and play a different role than they always do. To prove my point I will bring up Denzel Washington, an actor getting paid 20 million dollars. You would think that with 20 million dollars, you would be able to branch out in your acting ability more often; but Denzel has stayed strong.

Many people first remember Denzel Washington in Remember The Titans, in which he portrayed a strong black man dedicated to doing what he thought was right. Later, he starred in Man On Fire, in which he portrayed another strong black man dedicated to doing what he thought was right. His most recent film was Déjà Vu, a box office hit that truly proved how good he was at playing a strong black man dedicated to doing what he thought was right—the only difference being that this time he did it over and over and over again. This lack of diversity has given Denzel quite the reputation, and you know that whenever you see a movie with him in it, there will definitely be more than enough of a strong black man dedicated to doing what he thinks is right.

However, the cloud of overration (Oh yeah, that’s a word) is not always raining on actors’ parade. There are many other people that I consider overrated who have nothing to do with theater, and I basically judge them using the same, lack-of-variety, scale. Some of these people include P. Diddy, Trot Nixon, Hugh Hefner, The Amish, 50 Cent, and Jeff Foxworthy. These people are either consistently bad, or all their material is the same, or they just need to straight up take a bath. A perfect illustration for an overrated person would be Hugh Hefner. Hugh does not act, he does not sing, he does not dance, and he certainly does not play an instrument. Instead, he came up with a brilliant idea: What could possibly benefit society more than an entire magazine dedicated to hot, naked women? So in 1845, when Hugh was just 23 years old, he invented Playboy, an entire company whose sole purpose was to exploit hot women.

That’s it. That’s all he did. He’s done nothing else. Hugh Hefner has been sitting on his ass for hundreds of years, riding on the one thing he invented a long time ago. Yet people still call him a “genius” and say that he is a God walking among mere mortals. Sure, he does happen to have 7 girlfriends, all of whom have the combine weight, age, and IQ of 33, but that just makes him lucky and overrated.

But don’t get me wrong, being overrated doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. There are many people—mainly comedians—who I look up to yet will accept as being overrated. Ryan Reynolds, Jim Gaffigan, Eminem, and even the beloved Dane Cook all boil down to the same ideas over and over and over, yet can still be cool.

I would also like to use Dane Cook as a prime example of how someone so cool can instantly turn so very very bad for you. Dane Cook started out as a comedian. He then became notorious for stealing jokes. He then starred in a funny movie. He then released a song. He then starred in a serious movie. He then shaved his head. You see that people? In seven sentences a man turned from a national icon to a world-wide loser. I want you to learn two things from this: Don’t stray from the norm and don’t do drugs.

So far I have pointed out all the people who I believe are overrated. But I’m yet to share with you who I judge to be the most over-glorified person in history. I have reserved this special spot for someone who I am forced to learn about every year. Someone I feel as if I know everything about not because I researched him, but because everyone else has. I believe you know him as William Shakespeare.

Every year in English class, Shakespeare’s work is crammed down my throat. Romeo and Juliet, Much Ado About Nothing, A Christmas Carol, Julius Caesar, the list goes on and on. And it seems that no matter what piece of writing we read, Shakespeare is always going to be shown as the most creative, funny, insightful writer of all time. I am going to be the first one to stand up and proclaim that Shakespeare is not the best author ever, and say that he is simply overrated.

I honestly hope that one day someone will stumble across my writing and interpret it as they do Shakespeare. Not once has anyone allowed me to just read Shakespeare’s work. I’ve always been told to “observe the diction” and “notice the ongoing conflict.” People—people who, let me remind you, have never met, talked to, or ever seen Shakespeare—act as if he was some world-wielding genius who knew our human nature better than everyone. These losers think that just because he made up his own words and flooded his work with uninterpretable sayings like “thou bleeding piece of earth,” Shakespeare was a God of literature.

In modern day America, a man who only spoke in the confusing metaphors Shakespeare used wouldn’t be praised or glorified. He would be relentlessly slaughtered.

Writer: As thou sun of hope sets behind the casting mountains, a belligerent king is born into the night. The ruler that once cowered in the darkness now reigns over the star-struck skies like an all-knowing flame of mistrust.

American 1: What? Why the hell you be talkin’ like that?

Writer: For is how thou speak truly a language of itself? Identical sounds ordered around like pawns in a chess game are easily identified, yet rearranged they become foreign. If thou extinguishes that what he does distinguish, then he will relinquish the tongues of others

American 2: What’s wrong with him?

Writer: If expressing thy inner emotion is the foulest of crimes, than I am the guiltiest of chickens.

American 1: I think he’s a witch.

American 2: A WITCH! BURN HIM!!!

Based upon this, we can officially assume that if Shakespeare did speak like he was rumored to, he would have certainly been beheaded. That means that the only logical explanation for his overrated writing is that Shakespeare was a crazy drunken retard outcast by his town who expressed what he felt by scribbling jumbled words onto a piece of paper. Over time, his work was found and, because they couldn’t understand the puke-stained napkins he recorded his stories on, people began to think that he was a much more sophisticated writer than they were and was, therefore, a genius. Knowing that a genius would never write something literal, people began unnecessarily decoding his writings to search for inner meanings.

I have spoken to these people. Both my 8th grade science teacher and my 10th grade English teacher would spend sleepless nights deciphering Shakespeare’s writings to find an answer to their own personal problems. Then, for reasons unknown to me, they would think that everyone wanted to hear what they discovered. “On page 78, paragraph 3, line 9,” they would point out, “you can see that he describes the lake as ‘a mirror reflecting the oncoming sins of man.’ This must mean that the world’s growing economy is destroying nature and that if we don’t do something the forests will be gone!!!”

“No!!” another researcher would argue; “the reflecting of mans’ sins is discussing the homophobia that others had towards Shakespeare. Many people think he was gay, you know.”

Since everyone has a different outlook as to what the same line means, we can only conclude that they are all wrong and that Shakespeare was probably looking at a puddle of his own vomit when he scribbled that line on a Starbucks napkin.

My only wish is that when people read my work they think that I am as much as a genius as they think Shakespeare is. They will crowd around my books and argue the meaning of my work. “When we said that Rosie O’Donnell has the GPA of a dyslexic cabbage he must have been brushing upon the lack of nutrients shown throughout the media in models and other role models that is corrupting the social economy,” they would say, when in reality I was really just calling Rosie O’Donnell retarded.

So let this be a lesson to you. As you read a book, make sure to look further into its meaning. Because when an author writes that the main character died in a car crash, he is really discussing how the stock market is a risky way of life and that it could plummet at any time. But you can never really be sure; he might just be a witch.

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