Oh God

This afternoon, while minding my business and spending my computer time as diligently as possible, I stumbled across another blog like mine. Only, instead of being dedicated to getting laughs at other’s expense and making a joke out of every serious situation imaginable, this blog was dedicated to the complete opposite: God.

I have learned from an early age that there is nothing funny about God, Jesus Christ, or any of his 12 gay lovers—I mean disciples. In church (yes I went to church) I was never allowed to laugh, giggle, snicker, smirk, or even breathe harshly during the service, in fear that my father would beat me with a bible. In fact, for some odd, unexplainable reason, my father somehow convinced me that—given the proper circumstances—it was 100% allow to strike your child in church. Within a week, after looking around and observing, I began to think that it was actually holy to hit your child. I figured that the reason priests were considered so divine was because they had 12 or 13 children at their house strapped down beds with knives in their sides. In retrospect I now see that the priests did, in fact, have children strapped down to beds in their houses, but for a different reason [oH DiiP].

Upon viewing this person’s homepage, I noticed an immediate sense of peace emitting from its digital message. The heading was peaceful grass (as opposed to violent grass) and the posts appeared to be calmly written, with each word carefully chosen. Of course, I never really confirmed this observation because I was too busy reading the pissed off, angry message on the side that seemed to yell:

WELCOME
THIS SITE IS FOR EVANGELISM [Spreading the good news of Jesus]. IF YOU ARE NOT SAVED, YOU ARE UNDER GOD’S ETERNAL WRATH. GOD’S ETERNAL WRATH IS HELL. AS WE ALL WERE BEFORE SALVATION, YOU ARE A GOD-HATING REBEL RUNNING AWAY FROM GOD. THERE IS GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, HOWEVER. “GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON THAT WHOSOEVER BELIEVES ON HIM SHALL NOT PERISH BUT HAVE ETERNAL LIFE.” JOHN 3:16. GOD IN HIS MERCY AND GRACE WILL REACH OUT TO YOU FOR SALVATION. ALL WHO ARE SAVED ARE SAVED BY FAITH ALONE, THROUGH GRACE ALONE, BY CHRIST ALONE. I CANNOT SAVE YOU THROUGH MY WORDS. MY ONLY JOB IS TO GIVE YOU THE GOSPEL. I PRAY THAT I GLORIFY HIM IN ALL THAT I DO.

The immediate feeling of comfort and tranquility that I once got from this site was immediately ruined, and I exited out of the website before I could read anymore angry preaches about how I’m going to hell.

Let me make it known that I am well aware that I am going to hell. I have sinned for times than Michael Jackson, and intend to sin more. But there is something a lot different from knowing that you’re going to hell, and someone yelling at you that you’re going to hell. I guess this lady (who goes by the name of “Amazing Grace”) just gave me the realization that I needed to open my eyes. I have now recognized the fact that I am also one of God’s children, and that by sacrificing his one son, he opened up a life of opportunity for Christians throughout the world.

NOT! If anything, this lady has made me realize that everyone is just scared of sinning, and think that if they put the blame onto everyone else—with the help of a little contextual evidence—they can free their guilt. I mean, if God really up in heaven with a Mac computer (of course God uses a Mac, shut up) checking all the website of people who praise him? And even if that isn’t the reason people post up sites, it’s not going to help anyone. I mean, my site provides comedic relief from your busy, work-crushed life. People come to my site to laugh at everyday things, to learn new things in life, and mainly to comment about how good looking I am.

On the other hand, when someone reads a site like Amazing Grace’s, they don’t experience, gain anything, or even necessarily agree.  The onyl thing people realize after reading her site is that they have to take a really really big poop. To make things clearer this woman even explains in full detail what her intensions are of her blog are:

MY ONLY JOB IS TO GIVE YOU THE GOSPEL. I PRAY THAT I GLORIFY HIM IN ALL THAT I DO.

Yet, no one reading her site is suddenly going to fall off their chair, start shaking wildly, and realize that they’re saved. Text has never convinced anyone of anything (with the exception of the Tupac Death Theory), especially not one about the bible.

Maybe I am going to hell. Maybe I’m going to hell so bad that my immediate family is going to hell. Maybe it’s because of people like me that we have war and crime and starvation. Or maybe it’s your fault

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “Oh God

  1. As soon as I looked at that site I decided that I was going to try to start some kind of debate with those people. But the more I read the posts, the clearer it became to me that those are the sort of people who are so closed-minded that it’s impossible to argue with them. Someone who firmly believes that what we do on earth is completely immaterial and the only factor that should govern our lives is love of Jesus Christ is so obviously closed-minded that it’s not even worth it to try to argue. I have little against Christians or religious people in general, but the people on that blog are just asswipes.

  2. I think I’m going to try and argue with her, just to see what would happen when two closed-minded people diagree. Granted, one of those people will be a comedian who will stop at nothing to make a joke, but that’s only a minor factor.

  3. D-Young

    Im sure theres some amazing unbeatable argument for the anti-christ side, a little googling, wikipediaing, and a few pornos here and there should give us the answer

  4. Well, the unbeatable argument is that those people are banking on absolutely nothing except for a bizarre interpretation of a book that proclaims the existence of a deity…who wrote the book. However, the reason they are impossible to argue with is that, since they already firmly believe in something with a complete lack of factual basis, not even the most rational arguments can persuade them otherwise.

  5. D-Young

    i had a conversation with a very religious person and the argument they gave went like this

    Them: George washington was our first president right?
    Me: Yeah..
    Them: Well how do you know that?
    Me: Because our books at school teac…..shit..

    I REALLY HOPE that no other religious people get ahold of that argument because even though it could be wrong in so many ways i cant come up with a good response to it

  6. Ew religion

    you should throw a “there is nothing but now” arguement is. see how demented that gets them. one of my friends is a priest daughter and that threw her for a loop for about 5 seconds which is better then most arguments with a overzealous religious person. (broad generalization but whatever)

  7. broseph

    However, the reason they are impossible to argue with is that, since they already firmly believe in something with a complete lack of factual basis, not even the most rational arguments can persuade them otherwise.

    It’s not a bizarre interpretation that Jesus existed, many historians believe whole heartedly that Jesus did exist and there have been sources outside of the bible that have mentioned him. Sure, maybe not all of the things that he did were all they were cracked up to be, but it is generally believed that Jesus was in fact a real person. I might as well be arguing with a baby infected with a severe case of down syndrome because no one in their right minds believes that Jesus wrote the Bible. People firmly believe in this sort of thing because they have faith in God, it’s not like we’re ignorant apes. I’m also quite sure that either side of the spectrum can provide factual evidence that Jesus existed or not, so your “rational arguments” aren’t proof that he didn’t exist.

  8. broseph

    It’s not a bizarre interpretation that Jesus existed, many historians believe whole heartedly that Jesus did exist and there have been sources outside of the bible that have mentioned him. Sure, maybe not all of the things that he did were all they were cracked up to be, but it is generally believed that Jesus was in fact a real person. I might as well be arguing with a baby infected with a severe case of down syndrome because no one in their right minds believes that Jesus wrote the Bible. People firmly believe in this sort of thing because they have faith in God, it’s not like we’re ignorant apes. I’m also quite sure that either side of the spectrum can provide factual evidence that Jesus existed or not, so your “rational arguments” aren’t proof that he didn’t exist.

    This was what I meant to say before.
    The thing on top of my other post was a quote from Daniel.

  9. saddam

    but christians dont think that jesus did write the bible… they know he didnt.
    and
    jesus really did exhist, theres refrences of him in other sources, and thats not something that matters, the thing is if he was really holy or if he was really god-given or if he could rise from the dead

  10. Hers is the most disturbing site I’ve ever seen. It reminds me of this girl I knew in high school, who had for some reason becomed “saved.” I don’t really know what went wrong. It’s not like she became a nicer person or treated people, even herself, any better. But what gave her the leg up on us was that she that she would be forgiven and she’d go to Heaven, unlike the rest of us. It gave her a platform to be an even bigger a-hole.

    These people might think they’re saved but they missed the message. They misunderstood the metaphor, that heaven and hell are “conditions” of life on earth. So they may think they are “saved,” but they are really lost.

    I hope you get your grades up, Bizzoony. You are one of my inspirations!

  11. alana

    yea jewish pride
    =)

  12. alana

    yeah i just went on the site and started up an argument with these people.

    basically they are so stubborn they refuse to beleieve in anything but jesus

    me: so, who invented computers?
    hopelessly relgious person : jesus

    yeah.

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