Believe it or not, I was a completely different person in 7th grade. I know it may be hard to comprehend, but instead of the crazed, social, obnoxious loser I am today, I was really quite dolorous. I didn’t have too many friends, I wasn’t funny at all, I was about 3 feet tall, and I was convinced that girls had cooties (I realize now that they’re called periods). In retrospect, I clearly see that I was a pathetic loser who needed more priorities besides school and homework—although I did play soccer, which only fueled my deplorability.
Apparently 7th grade has changed in the 3 years I’ve been gone. Now kids are doing horrible, juvenile act such as drugs, sex, and listening to Rihanna. They are no longer fragile minds eager for an education, but abominable delinquents eager for destruction. A new law in Massachusetts was passed that requires teachers to wear bullet proof vests and carry handguns for their own protection. So what is the cause for all this dereliction? My brother. At first I thought my brother was the regular old 7th grader: naïve, inexperienced and retarded. But it turns out he’s truly one of the “bad asses” causing chaos. And just recently, be got caught in school with this little thing called—I don’t know if you’ve heard of it—marijuana.
NOTE: All of the following is based upon stories I have heard. At no point in my life have I smoked, digested, or even smelt pot. In fact, I’m scared of it. I have nightmares whenever I even think of pot, and I would never ever ever even consider smoking pot. Especially if my parents are reading this.
Marijuana, is a drug used by everyone that makes everything look, smell, taste, and feel like chocolate. It can be grown virtually anywhere, and smoking it makes all your troubles go away. Depending on where you go and how old you are, marijuana can have thousands of different names, including Aunt Mary, boom, blond, blunt, cheeba, chunky, Columbian pot, dew, Don Juan, Doobie, dope, fu, gangster, ganja, grass, hay, herb, jay, magic dragon, skunk, weed, and Courtney Love’s armpit hair. Right now we will refer to it as “pot,” but no matter what it’s called; marijuana will always do the same thing to you: kill you.
For those of you who have never smoked marijuana, allow me to tell you what the sensation is like. Hopefully this information will convince you that you never want to do pot, and instead of smoking it you will spend your Saturday nights doing something more productive like, for example, watching Oprah. I would also like to remind you that I have never smoked pot, and that I love my mom very much and that I’m sorry I drank all her Pepsis.
If you ask anyone who smokes pot, they will tell you that you never get high the first time you smoke. This is a lie, because in reality you never get high when you smoke pot. And the reason they tell you that you don’t get high your first time is because it’s a learning experience. While everyone else is tripping over furniture, licking their computer screens and laughing hysterically at the word “duty,” you are taking mental notes on how they act. This is because next time you smoke, you are expected to get high, and you have to learn how to act like that. I suggest bringing a binder or some form of note-taking, because if you are ever caught faking high, you will be brutally raped. And because when you smoke pot, you won’t feel any different (regardless of how many times you’ve done it in advance) this one time of learning is all you’ve got. Remember, practice makes perfect.
In order to maintain the status quo of social relations while smoking pot, you need to be high. And because you will never get high no matter how much pot you ingest, you will need to put your learning experience to the test. First, after taking a smoke of pot (also known as a hit), hold it in your mouth long enough until it feels like your lungs are about to explode. Then breath out dramatically, making sure not to cough; because if you are ever caught coughing, you will be brutally raped. You then pass the pot holding instrument (known as a blunt, bowl, or bong) to the person next to you. As you pass it, note how they scamper to it, and even how they may even fight over it. This is because they think that it is possible to get high, and that they just haven’t taken enough hits. You should tell them to visit this website to get educated.
As the blunt/bowl/bong is passed around, you will notice that your friends start to stumble, trip, laugh, cough, fall down and get pregnant. This is because they are acting high. This is an indicator to start putting on your own little play, and you should start acting high too. Here is a list of how to act high, based upon the three times stages of smoking.
After three of four hits, you will notice that your friends have started to act goofy. You should join in, but try to keep it different from them. If they trip over something, don’t trip over something else. If they start losing their balance, sit down so that you can’t. Here are a few things you should do in stage one:
• Laugh. If something is a little funny, don’t snicker. Crack up.
• Lose your balance. If you stand up, make sure to sit back down and go “whoooaaaa”
• Knock stuff over
• Forget stuff
• Slur your words
I have no idea how many hits it takes to get to stage two, but you’ll catch on.
•Keep laughing. When someone trips over something, knocks something over, or shares a somewhat funny story, laugh hysterically.
• Start doing something, get distracted, and then forget what you were supposed to be doing
• It is now okay to cough. While taking a hit, hold it a little longer so that your throat turns into the Sahara Desert. After exhaling you will cough up your lungs, spleen, liver, and parts of your testicles. Your friends will laugh.
• Say a joke/funny story and then forget the punch line. Your friends will laugh anyway because they’re retarded.
• Pretend to be so distracted that you miss a hit. Your friends won’t tell you because they’ll be too busy savaging for extra hits because they think they’re not getting high.
Keep a note as to how much the pot is left, and then quit before it’s all gone. If you use up all the pot you’ll look like a weirdo how’s anxious to get high, whereas you really want to appear as a chill kid whose parents don’t love him (I mean, why else would you smoke pot?). Lay down somewhere and go to sleep/pretend to go to sleep and if there is a hot chick there flirt with her. You can use pot as an excuse to hit on people and get ass. Ways to act high in stage three include:
• Tell every good looking chick in the room that you think they are smoking hot multiple times.
• Proclaim that you are very very hungry, and command someone to get you something to eat. When they tell you to do it, pretend not to hear them and lay down.
• Go to sleep. Just be aware of them drawing penises on your forehead.
• Decide to become either ridiculously cold, or unhealthily hot.
• Say things like “I’m so blazed right now,” and “I’m soooo high right now.”
As you smoke, you will notice that your friends (the savaging, hit-sneaking, think-you-can-actually-get-high-off-pot friends) will want to check your eyes. This is because sometimes—key word sometimes—pot will make your eyes go red. Scientifically speaking, certain substances in the pot react dissimilarly to different people. Because of this, some of your friend’s eyes may be bloodshot, and others may be regular. It doesn’t matter though, because not one of you is high.
So whether you’re smoking the doobie or feeling the boobie, you’re most likely in 7th grade. As for me, I’m just going to keep sitting at my computer, thinking up entertaining lies, and—most importantly—reminding my parents that I love them.