Where The Hell Are The Commericals?

Like all of America, I was watching the Super Bowl Sunday night. I saw Bill Joel bring full grown men to tears; I saw Prince poorly lip sync at the halftime show, and I saw more than enough of Peyton Manning bitching about his offense. What I didn’t see enough of was funny Super Bowl commercials. The only reason some people (mainly women) watch football is for the hilarious beer commercials, witty car commercials, and funny Asians. But this year was quite a disappointment.

2007 Super Bowl Commercial Recap

Accidental Kiss– This commercial captures the completely natural and reoccurring situation in which two car mechanics share a Snickers before intensely making out. As the clip displays, the consequences of something like this could be fatal if the two men do not neutralize the situation by doing something manly. I, personally, have dealt with this by punting a kitten, but these men took a different approach: They ripped off their chest hair while screaming loudly. Although this commercial made it look like homosexuality is a complete accident, we all know what’s “coming out” next.

I Threw Rock– Rock, Paper, Scissor, Shoot. These four simple words have been famous for settling world disagreements for years. From determining the 2000 presidency, to deciding who serves first in gym volleyball game, Rocks Paper Scissors never fails. What ruins this peaceful game of agreement is clowns who use made up weapons. Things like “laser beams” and “water guns” clinch victories and ruin the psychological challenge of the game. In this commercial, a completely different form of cheating was displayed in which the challenger throws an actual rock at his opponent. Although this was slightly comical, all the humor was immediately ruined by the dialogue after:

-I threw paper
-I threw a rock

Explaining punch lines generally destroys comedy, as well as cheesy “low fives” during the end of the commercial. If you ask me, they should have settled their beer-battle in a freestyle rap battle. And speaking of rapping, allow me to recall the worst commercial of the night.

K-SPED– We all know Kevin Federline as being the lucky man to marry Britney Spears for 36 entire minutes. Thanks to those conveniently placed magazines at the Supermarket, we were able to read—title by title—about how this once trailer-trash redneck was transforming into a touring rapper. This Super Bowl commercial Sunday night showed just how well he was living, with magnificent, heart-warming lyrics:

Thick whips, tinted rims, fat rocks, I got ‘em
Shining like a super star from top to bottom.

The clip ends with Kevin working at a fast food restaurant, rapping into a security camera. The true humor in this ad is we all know that K-Fed would never be able to hold a job with such responsibilities like, for example, fries.

There were a few other commercials that were slightly funny, including Jim Gaffigan with his beard comb over, lions pronouncing Spanish foods, and a new form of “bump“, but overall I was very disappointed.

Let this be a message to all of you so-called “commercial experts” out there: If you want me to buy your crappy product, you’re going to have to make me laugh. I want unnecessary Mission Impossible music, hilarious exaggerations, and –most importantly—people dancing naked around a car. Next year’s Super Bowl had better have the funniest damn commercials ever, or else I’ll throw a rock.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Where The Hell Are The Commericals?

  1. Sara

    I’m sure you’ll be writing these commercials when you’re all grown up.

    *sigh*

    Lots of hot chicks and freudian machismo.

    YAY!!!! 😉

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