According to German scientists, every once in a bagillion years (although they use the metric system, so it converts into roughly 2 American weeks) sometime unbelievable happens. Something so remarkable that it is recorded in history as the coolest thing ever done ever, and everyone in the entire world should be forced to memorize the date of the event. Example:

September 19th– Talk Like A Pirate Day.

This day was invented by two men who, like all good men, had penises. But these men didn’t just use their twat-sicle to attract many different types of women of every shape and size. Oh no! These men put their prickles to work and—through a scientific procedure involving plutonium and citric acid—invented talk like a pirate day! This day is roughly a day in which you and your friends dress up like complete retards, wobble around school, and respond to everything with the intelligent phrase: Arrr.

Likewise, I was proud to be a strong dedicator the probably the most astonishing display of manliness since Fabio started modeling.

January 9th– The Ice Cream Sandwich Eating Competition of America (TICSECA).

Every W Day at my school, I have lunch with the famous Dave Correll. This man has mastered many phenomenal feats, including eating an ice cream sandwich in under a minute, throwing 5 consecutive touchdown passes, and impregnating a woman by simple pointing at her. But on W day, this man is no longer The Man; he a mere mortal. Every W day, David Correll, CWARD and I participate in The Ice Cream Sandwich Eating Competition of America (TICSECA).

Ticseca was a famous Native American discovered by Christopher Columbus. Ticsea (which is Native American for “One who consumes living infants”) showed the pilgrims that populating the continent that will one day be the tyrant of the world really wasn’t that hard. He showed them the ancient native pastime of eating ice cream sandwiches. The rules of the game are simple: All the guys will gather around the table, someone will yell go, and the men will discard their once humble attitude towards life and smash a dessert in their face.

“But where’s the challenge in that?”

Apparently none of you who are questioning the difficulty of this competition have tried to digest an ice cream sandwich. Not only is it too big to consume in one bite, it is colder than a witch’s nipple. As the ice cream hits your gums, eat bite becomes more and more painful. Eating an ice cream sandwich in itself is difficult enough, let alone racing your opponents.

Needless to say, I did not win the eating contest. In fact, I came in last place. But that doesn’t mean anything, because I was determined to go the distance and I succeeded. My food-eating experience is slowly transforming into the Rocky series.

Went the distance, now I’m back on my feet.   Just a man and his will to survive
–Eye of the Tiger

If my predictions are correct, I should end up winning the next ice cream sandwich competition and becoming the World Champion. So if you would like to watch me defend my title (after I make one) all you need to do is come to AHS’s second lunch on W day and watch men put their 8 meter penises to work.

(That’s roughly 24 American feet)


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