A special thanks to Jimmy Rose who, despite being a chief, remains a huge part in my life (and he’s the only kid who stands a chance at beating me in dodge ball).
I assume that it is safe to say that everyone despises nerds. Now, I’m not talking about those kids that you call nerds just because they know where magnocolious hydration occurs; I’m talking about those kids who play World Of Warcraft and Diablo and refuse to interact with anything under level 45. These kids just sit in front of their computer all day, talking to kids they will never meet and looking for some medallion they will obviously never find. The only way you are able to get them away from their computer is to tell them that new Star Trek episode is on TV.
And please, if you are any sort of gaming nerd who takes offense from this, I would really appreciate it if you walk to my house and beat me up (unless there’s some way for you to digitally attack me, then knock yourself out). And while you’re over my house taking swings at me with your pale, twig-like forearms, can you please tell me what the hell you guys are looking?!?! Every single time I’m over my friend David’s house (David used to be a major contributor to this site, but stopped visiting when he got a new computer fast enough to handle all the RAM needed for Diablo online) he’s always looking for something:
Me– Dude let’s go to Burger King, I’m starving.
David– Right after I find the trident of adversary.
Me– The what of what?
David– The trident of adversary, when added with three rings, can boost me up to level 87, which would later allow me to battle Setths.
Me– I thought you were looking for the Hope Crossbow with four gems of good fortune.
David– No I found that, now all I need is the saber of Zeus to combine with my neograving ambershield, an then we can go.
Me– How long will that take?
David– Four to six years.
I would like them to invent a videogame in which you simply win. I personally miss those days when I would sit in front of the computer, beat the game, and then go outside and burn ants. Nowadays they have games like Diablo, WOW, and (the worst) The Sims in which you just sit in front of your computer for years, emptying your brain content in order to make room for the special statistics of your Warlock. In fact, most 40 year old men know more about their wizard’s strength, defense, attack average, speed and agility than they do, for example, their children’s age.
As if the rising population of basement-dwelling nerds isn’t enough, I am forced to deal with their video gaming lingo as well. As I peer over David’s shoulder I see him type things like:
“Hops much concave jousting”
To which his friend will intellectually reply:
“24 thou trad 4 juctos wpn”
Which obviously translates to:
-“My good sir, how much do you think I could receive if I cashed in my sword?”
-“I believe you would receive approximately 24 thousand gold, unless you decide to bargain for a larger weapon.”
And of course you can’t bring up the talk of nerds without bringing up the phrase “PWNED LIKE A NOOB” (Just like you can’t bring up Dick Cheney without a “shot in the face” joke). There are may rumors and misunderstandings concerning the word “PWNED” (which surprisingly can only be spelled in caps, no matter how much I fight my spell-check) and I would like to put them to rest with the truth behind the word.
PWNED comes from the ancient Italian word powneed meaning “To beat the crap out of an opponent.” The phrase was generally used when concerning gladiators battling in the coliseum, as clearly shown in the movie Gladiator:
“I totally powneed that noob with my massive sword and strong will”
In a few years the word powneed evolved into “powned” which was believed to mean “painfully owned.” In the recent turn of the century nerds across the world dropped the “O” and turned their word into “PWNED.”
NOTE: All of the above information is completely false. The reason it’s called “PWNED” is because nerds would try to type the word “owned” but would hit the “P” key instead of the “O” key (I will pause for you to look at your keyboard).
The word “Noob” comes from nerds thinking it would mentally destroy their opponent if they were called new to the game. The word began as “newb” but (seeing as how most nerds were borderline illiterate) was changed to “noob” for better pronunciation. So now—thanks to nerds across America—whenever someone is beat in any situation (dodge ball, ping-pong, governmental elections) there is only one appropriate thing you can say:
I JUST PWNED YOU LIKE A NOOB!!!
I am very fortunate that I am not exposed to this disgrace of the English language, but I am sorry to say that I do regularly take back to the second lowest form of communication (after Klingon, which is just pitiful):
Yes my friends, we all know what I’m talking about. That despicable at language we use 75% of our day using. AIM has been a gateway for goofy acronyms and abbreviations. Words like g2g (which you say before you sign off), stfu (which you say before you yell at someone), and kvbcvilo;nhbghjvgsdf (which you say before you go into cardiac arrest). For you’re help, I have established a list of all the common AIM sayings and how they’re used in context.
LOL: Laugh Out Loud
Generally used in an awkward situation, like when someone tells someone else something painfully truthful. Instead of taking the situation seriously and being offended, the person (usually a girl) will respond with lol. Example:
RandyQuenchVFM: You dumb hoe, you’ll have sex with anyone and you’re wicked fat and smell like a used diaper filled with Indian food.
LMAO: Laugh My Ass Off
Mainly used when someone makes a pitiful joke, LMAO is there to hint that the person’s joke was actually funny enough to make you laugh so much your ass fell off, where in reality you just want them to shut the hell up. Example:
Xoxo369wideload963: aNd tHeN sHe WaS lIkE “nO uR a bItCh!”
ROFL: Rolling On the Floor Laughing
ROFL is what you substitute LMAO with when someone is telling a funny story in which you are forced to pretend to laugh a lot. You certainly don’t want them to think that you hate them, so you make them think that you are no longer laughing your ass off, but you are now rolling on the floor laughing while still managing to type. This saying also leads to sayings like “ROFLMAO,” and I’ll let you put two and two together to figure that one out. Example:
Xoxo369wideload963: aNd tHeN sHe WaS lIkE “nO uR a bItCh!”
RandyQuenchVFM: I’m not gunna lie, that story was about as funny as genital warts
RandyQuenchVFM: I’m not kidding, you really shouldn’t have even bothered repeating that horrible story.
NOTE: The saying “ROFL” can be used as a segue to produce one of the lowest points in society (along with Clay Aiken):
ROFL WAFFLE: I am laughing very hard and now know how to rhyme
If anyone uses this saying while talking to you (no matter how funny the joke you made is) walk to their house and smash their face with a van.
WTF: What The Flip
Generally yelled when someone offends your or says something you disagree with. It’s mainly used by girls who are about to argue with you just so that they can push your buttons, even if it means they have to make up completely false information. Example:
RandyQuenchVFM: I believe that God created man and animal in 7 days as it is clealy depicted in the bible, although I still understand many people’s opinion of evolution.
xogIvEmEmOnEy68ox: wTf iiT cLeArLy sAyS iiN gLaMoUr mAgAziiNe tHat pEoPle eVolVed fRoM DiiFeReNt tYpEs oF pErFuMe.
NOTE: I lost that argument; don’t ask me how.
BTW: By The Way
Again, one of those bitchy little things girls say to sound all snobby and omniscient, even though half of them don’t know what omniscient means.
Xoxogolddigger92xxo: oh, & btw, youre a faggot
I hope these sayings can help you appreciate your AIM experience better, as well know what to say when the situation arises. Once again I would like to thank Jimmy Rose, Becca Penney, and God (in that order).