In order to prevent himself from just lapping the house, yelling at his children and making bottomless threats, my father has decided to “become young” again. Whether you want to call this a midlife crisis or not, the man has gone insane. Instead of his usual attire of collared, company shirts and corduroy pants (held securely up by an ugly brown belt), Mr. Boony can be found marching around the house in his new Aeropostale button ups and his new blue jeans (still held securely up by an ugly brown belt). When I asked him about the drastic change in appearance, my father simply stated:
“So I can be down wid dem gangstas”
Let me remind you this is the same man that actually puts the seat down after pissing. If I had 12,000 words to describe my dad, “gangster,” “cool”, “popular”, and even “social” would never appear on the list (nerdy, dull, boring, and hideous would definitely be in the top 10). In his junior year of high school my father was voted “most likely to be stoned to death.” This looked like the preferable title after he was voted “most likely to be public tarred and feathered” in his senior year. Unfortunately, neither of these things happened between his time of graduation and today; but we still have time.
Midlife Crisis: noun (mid-lyf-cry-sis)- A time in an old man’s life when he realizes, usually with the help of his children, that he is way too old to be alive. He man resorts to acting childish (like in case of my gym teacher), buying an expensive unnecessary item that generally costs ridiculous amounts of money (like in the case of my uncle), or acting like his child (in the case of my father)
I’m hoping that this phase ends with my father, and that he can go back to being the homework-checking, yardwork-enforcing, shotgun-holding Nazi that he really is. That way we can tar and feather him.