The Declaration of Independence, the Emancipation Proclamation, the Treaty of Versailles. All of these documents are famous in American history for changing the lives of thousands. And I sit here at my slow-running, key-jamming computer to tell you that I am here to add another important paper to this list.
MY BIRTHDAY LIST
At exactly 7 o’clock am tomorrow I will officially be 15 years old. This means that all of my friends that have rubbed it in my face all this year will finally have to accept the fact that I’m the same age as them, at least for a few months. With all the commotion of posting everyday, doing my comedy classes and Varsity soccer I wasn’t able to actually let everyone know what I really wanted for my birthday. I figure that if I post this at 10:30 it will give you 8 and a half hours to get me my present, assuming that you read my website every 13 seconds and see it the second it’s posted. So here it is: the best birthday list ever.
Please Note: If you ever ask for any of these things on any of your birthday lists ever again I punch your heart out of your body
• A large mule that can speak fluent Spanish
• A small Mexican man to help me ride the mule
• Footage of someone peeing on Alex Rodriguez
•A sibling who can take a joke
• Edible underwear
• Slow motion footage of a car hitting Mr. T
• Vanilla milk
• A picture of someone who actually got hurt running with scissors
• A watch that doesn’t tell time but just reads “TIME TO KICK ASS”
• An endless supply of soda (preferable Pepsi Jazz)
• One free opportunity to punt Alex Rodriguez in the balls
• Any opportunity to punt Alex Rodriguez in the balls
• One of huge tires that I can fit in a roll down a large hill in
• A video camera so I can video tape my dumb ass friends trying to roll down a hill in the large tire
• A liger
I hope that this will help you guys decide what to get me. If you need me, I’ll be getting mad crunk up with my friends.
AKA: Sitting at home crying under my covers about how everyone forgot my birthday.