Why America Is Slowly Dieing Of Industrial Tapeworms

Ask any person from Europe that you’re from America, and they will probably spit on your shoes and call you a galleta muda de madre de asno.  I know because my Dutch grandparents just recently came in from Holland, bringing European candy, European traditions, and European hate for George Bush.  My grandfather can now be seen dancing around the house singing “I believe in a thing called Democracyyyyy and I wish our President did toooooo.”  I believe he has a
new album coming out called Industrial Tapeworm which clearly explains, through the art of song, how the American technology is slowly destroying the government and the world.

To prove my grandfather’s opinion (which has turned into my opinion due to the massive table discussions we have at dinner) I would like to resort to a Sky Mall magazine my dad picked up which in Chicago this past week.  This magazine shows hundreds of amazing gift ideas for the 2006 holidays!  And I would like to point out a few of them that help drive home my grandfather’s point that America’s technology is raping it’s people.

Clearly depicted on page 122 of this Sky Mall magazine in a small picture of a toilet paper roll.  There’s nothing wrong with this, because I personally believe in toilet paper.  I know some of you don’t, and that some of you claim it’s “too white,” “too cold” or “I just like the smell of crap on my fingers,” but I think it comes in handy.  What bothers me is that the makers of Ipod decided it would be a great idea to equip this toilet paper with an Ipod docking station.  Yes my friends, they put an Ipod on their toilet paper roll dispenser.  This is what the article reads:

New! The king of all Ipod docking stations!why do we call it the king?  Because it’s the only docking station made especially for the “throne” room. (HAHAHAHA Get it?!  Throne . . . King . . . HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh, sorry) One-of-a-king unit (HAHAHAHA, There they go again with the puns!!!) plays for your Ipod while also charging it, so you can your music anywhere (and we do mean ANYWHERE!).  Includes a bath tissue holder- perfect for the man who has everything.  Moister-proof construction with four built-in speakers.  Includes an AC adapter.
Price: $99.99

Oh, well that’s good.  At least I know that for the small price of one hundred dollars I can enjoy my Ipod for the 15 minutes I take a poop.  I don’t know about you guys, but while I’m sitting “on the throne” the last thing I want to hear acompany my farting sounds is Bon Jovi or ACDC.  In fact, I would rather just hum to myself I want to be in America to ease the pain of my ass cheeks being slashed open with a rusty can.Next item: Again, another bathroom toilet utensil that people believed would make the average American life thousands of times simpler.  No, they didn’t sell a small Indonesian immigrant to wipe your ass for you when you were finished pooping (although they should), they instead sold a little box that actually hides your toilet paper for you!

Hidden Toilet Paper Holder Leaves Clean Lines In Bathroom
Whether you have pets that play with toilet paper or jsut have a small bathroom with limited space, you’ll appreciate the uncluttered simplicity of the Hidden Toilet Paper Holder, a flush-mount recessed cabinet taht leaves only smoother line sin your bathroomn wall.  The tissue is realyily available through the access door.  Pain the plastic cover to complete your decor.  Comes in white.
Price: $29.99

I was slightly disappointed in this writers lack of comedy, and I believe that if he had thrown in a few puns in there like the last author wrote I would truly have been more captivated.  Honestly though, if your bathroom is small that you actually need something to save you space with your toilet paper, you need to stop crapping in the closet.

In order to see all of the amazingly helpful and amazingly goofy products that revolving around America now, I suggest your sign up for Sky Mall magazine, call 1-800-SkyMall, or go to skymall.com

As for me, I’m going to go listen to “Sweet Caroline” and “Lips Of An Angel” on my Ipod/toilet dispenser.


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