The 4-1-1 on 10-31

Finally, after 365 days of anxious waiting, the world is blessed with another Halloween Holiday.  There is honestly no better way to get away from your sick, contaminated peers than by running around in the cold demanding candy from strangers.  I used to be one of those kids that galloped throughout the neighborhood, mapping houses and plotting my route.  At the end of the night I would back my truckload of candy into the driveway and have 16 Mexican workers unload my stash (I paid them in Milky Way bars) before I went to sleep.

You always want to hide your candy.  Many children would keep theirs in a pillowcase and rummage through it whenever they were hungry.  This technique, although highly convenient, is not only a fire hazard, but leads to sibling theft and low gas mileage.  I highly suggest hiding your candy throughout your room.  Drawers, closets, unused shoes and even holes punched through your wall are key spots to stash your loot.  This way, when it is the middle of December and all of your friend’s candy is gone, you will be digging deep in your drawers for your wool socks and find FOUR REESES CUPS!!!  Also, when it’s the end of March and your parents insist you tidy your room for Spring cleaning, you will be dusting behind your computer when you find EIGHT TWIZZLERS!!!  Honestly, the surprises never end.  Just recently I found an old, dusty, melted-and-the-cooled Hershey kiss under my mattress.  It may have tasted like salty piss, but it was still a surprise.

However you handle your candy consumption, you mus’nt forget the main rule of Halloween: Annoy the crap out of your parents for two straight days.  Halloween is the one time of the year that children get to act like little 4-year-old brats that need their diaper changed (unless your in my house, then it’s one of the many times) and we don’t seem
to take advantage of it enough.  Try these helpful hints on October 31st:

  • When you friends come to pick you up or you leave to go get your friends, stuff your bag full of your families candy and then complain to them that “the candy you chose sucks” and that “people are going to egg our house.”
  • Right before you go out, state loudly that you are leaving, open and close the doors a few times, and then ding-dong-ditch your own house.
  • Throughout the night, change your custom very slightly and re-trick-or-treat at the person’s house who gave you the most.  When they ask if you’ve been there before (after the 3rd or 4th time) claim that before you were an astronaut with a helmet, and now you clearly have no helmet.  NOTE: Wearing 4 or 5 cheap masks works just as well
  • (For the bigger kids) When there is a large clump of kids gathered around one door with one of those wicked old ladies who hand out individual candies to each child, start at the back of the group and aggressively claw your way through the crowd, rudely pushing kids and parents out of the way to get to the door.  When a parent stops you, claim that this lady hands out your favorite type of candy and that you didn’t want it being wasted on their selfish child.
  • Offer to pay people for better candy
  • Dress up in simply a business suit when you go out.  When people try to take a guess at who you are (Donald Trump, John Stewart, Ryan Seacrest) act ridiculously offended that they couldn’t see that you are clearly “a struggling business man trying to make it in the corporate world.”  NOTE: Crying helps.
  • When you walk up to a house, ring the doorbell and stand silently with your outstretched pillow case in one hand, and a case full of eggs in the other.  See if they give you more candy/house appliance

If you have chosen to stay home on Halloween and still want to have the same fun as everyone else, try these simple tricks:

  • Put a bowl of candy outside your house and put a “Take One Only” sign.  Make sure that your porch light is off.  Watch them through the window in your door/a window near your door and when kids start to take more than one, jump out and yell I SAID TAKE ONE!!! in their face.  NOTE: Don’t be afraid to wear a scary glow in the dark mask.
  • Same thing as the first one, only this time be waiting behind the bushes with a hose.  NOTE:  Don’t pussy out.  Spray those little bastards
  • When you answer the door, extend a bowl full of useless items such as blank CDs and matchless gloves and pretend that nothing’s wrong.  You must be able to keep a straight face during this one.
  • Take a bite out of all the candies before you put them in the bowl and hand them out.  Again, act as if there is nothing wrong, even if people comment on it
  • Hand out band-aids

Hopefully these tips will allow you to enjoy your trick-or-treating experience.  I, for one, will probably not be doing any of these, because I’ll still be trying to find my candy from last year.  I think I hid some under the rug.


1 Comment

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One response to “The 4-1-1 on 10-31

  1. Triniwriter

    this is sooooo funny, keep it up!

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