The Epic Bathroom Adventure

Today while sitting on the toilet taking one of the biggest and most painful craps of my entire life, I was able to realize why girls go to the bathroom together.  Because as I painfully pushed what seemed like a child (or awkwardly shaped van) out of my ass, I felt like I needed someone there to help me through it.

We’ve all made fun of it.  When you’re at the movies with your friends, and everything’s going fine, but suddenly all 6 girls simutaniously stand up and walk out of the theater.  After doing the math (thanks to my teacher who has been teaching up probability) I learned that the likelihood of 6 girls having to go to the bathroom at the same time is 1 out of 64.  Likewise, the likelihood of 2 guys having to go to the bathroom at the same time is zero.  Actually, the likelihood of one guy having to go the bathroom is also zero.  So what makes it that girls have to go to the bathroom more, as well as with the help of assistance
from others.  I suspect that, while the boys room is simply 8 urnials and 2 stalls, the girls room consists of obstacle courses, cougars, rickety bridge, and some very dry skin; thus the need of multiple women.

I have sent some very secret agents into the girls room to do some investigating for me, and when I got the tape back the conversation went something like this:

Girl 1: So, what do you think of Boony?

Girl 2: I think he is luscious, ridiculously good-looking and I would just want to-

*the sound of a flushing toilet muffles the end of the sentence*

Girl 1: Me too, if I ever get my hands on him I would surely take him home and-

*another inconvenient toilet flush*

Girl 2: So, how do you find Darwin’s theory of evolution interrupts the basis of the Christian religion?

Personally, I believe that girls go to the bathroom together just in case one of them take a crap like I took today, and in that case I wouldn’t blame them.  In this case, all the other girls would cheer on the other as she screamed in agony. They would all hold her hands and tell her how she was “half way there,” “almost done,” and “preparing
for birth.”
When she’s finished they would all hug her and tell her how brave she was, and then they would all share hand sanitizers and dental floss.

I have always looked into investing in a toilet that, upon flushing, would play:

  • A cheering crowd (like at the baseball game)
  • Church music (preferably the “Hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah.  Hallelujah. Halleluuuuujaaaaahhhh” one)
  • Someone just yelling “YOU’RE THE MAN!” really loud
  • The guy who always does the movie trailer announcements going “One Man. One Toilet.  No, Turning, Back.”

Dispite the fact that it would make going to the bathroom at night very difficult, I believe it would be a wise investment.


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