Weather You Want To Or Not

Today, before school, I was watching the news trying to figure out what I should wear for school.  I recently started doing this, after last year when I wound up wearing shorts when it was 40 degrees out, and the next day I was caught sweating tanks in jeans in the 80 degree weather.  You know what they say about New England:

“If you don’t like the weather in New England, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the head.”

So I’m watching the news, waiting patiently to see what the weather will be for today, and it occurred to me then that the
people who do the morning news are absolute douche bags.  They will do everything in their power to not give you the information you want!  Here’s basically what I watched on the TV this morning, waiting to be late for school:

Anchorman: Hello, I’m Rusty Bumper.

Anchorwoman: And I’m Chesty McGee, today’s top story: Two male pandas escaped from the New York Zoo and are now sumo wrestling in the center of Times Square.  There have been no injuries, although many people are going to have a very odd excuse for being late for work.

Rusty Bumper: In other news, can milk be hazardous to your health?  Scientists say that the milk you drink may come from
a cow whos parents had sex with a raccoon.  This “Raccow” produces milk that can contain small bateria called “tavorns” which can eat away at your kidneys and liver, causing a slow and painful death.

Chesty McGee: And now for our traffic update with Rusty Chain, Rusty?

Rusty Chain: Thanks Chesty, and traffic is basically not going anywhere today.  I suggest you walk to work
because if traffic was moving any slower, it would be going backwards.  And if you’re listening to this in the car on your way to work, I suggest you make a nice excuse for your boss as to why you’re late, or break your leg and get a free ride to the hospital.

Rusty Bumper: I’m sure I could think of a nice excuse!

**Piped Laughter **

Rusty Bumper: Now let’s turn over to Mr. T for the weather.  What’s today’s forcast T?

Mr. T: Pain.  Lot’s on pain

Rusty Bumper: Do you mean “rain” Mr. T?

**Piped Laughter**

Mr T: I pity you fool!

**Rusty’s Head Explodes**
**Piped Laughter**

This is when I shut off the TV, and I was not sure if it was going to rain, or snow, or what.  All I knew what that if I didn’t dress accordingly, I was going to get pittied by Mr. T, which is far worse than the weather in New England.

I would love to be a weather man in San Fransisco, that would probably be the easiest job.  If you are not smart, allow me to give an example:

Rusty Bumper: Now’s let’s turn over to Rusty Can for the weather, Rusty?

Rusty Can: Thanks Rusty, today it’s going to be around 4 degrees with heavy downpours and an afternoon hail storm.  No, I’m just kidding, it’s going to be the same exact weather we’ve had in San
Fransisco for the past hundred years, perfectly sunny with a clear sky.

Or even in Seattle:

Rusty Bumper:  Now let’s turn over to Rusty Can for the weather, Rusty?

Rusty Can:  Thanks Rusty, today it’s basically going to rain like it did yeterday.  And the day before that.  And the day before that.  As a matter-of-a-fact, I’m pretty sure that it’ll even rain tomorrow, so there’s really no need to tune in at all.

Lucky for us on the East Coast, our news is more exciting than San Fransisco’s or Seattle’s, and while we wait for our
weather, we get to listen to interesting stories, like a woman who gave birth to a 3 headed child due to an overdose on chocolate brownies.