My Attempt At Poetry

As a child, they could not keep me from the playground
The basketball court sprinkled with 12-year-olds
Like athletic jimmies on a cupcake field
I am dirt crawling up your nose
Taking your nostrils hostage as the pitch comes
I am fouls ‘til midnight
No bunting
Leading no steal
No call back no recalls
I am seven outfielders, five infielders, a catcher and a [...]

It’s Not You, It’s Me.

It’s not you, it’s me. Just kidding, it’s you. You’ve been holding me back. I have inspirations, I have dreams! There are so many insights that I can’t achieve with you in my life—like having sex with all the Playboy Bunnies. It’s not that you’re holding me back; it’s that [...]

Boony, The Suspended Captain

I have very important news for you. It’s a little outdated, because when it comes to writing I delay deadlines like a Barry Bonds steroid trial, but it is very funny news that only calculates into my hilarious life. But first, like all stories, the background:
A few months ago, my school’s Varsity Soccer [...]

Everyone Saw You Miss That Shot

Everyone saw you miss that shot. You weren’t even close. We all stared as you crinkled up the piece of paper, walked across the room, and embarrassed yourself with that jumper. You could have simply placed it in, or even dunked it like Vince Carter. But instead you decided to be [...]

In The Defense Of My Son . . .

Dear Superintendent Davidson,
I would like to personally apologize for my son’s actions that unfolded last Thursday. My wife and I agree that his exploits were out of line and we will personally make sure he suffers the severest of consequences. I would, however, like to defend Anthony in his deeds, because although they [...]

Lack Of Posts Post

Due to my crazy schedule and my sudden development of a “life,” you may have noticed that I’ve been posting less and less and less. It’s not because I don’t enjoy writing (I still chose to write during class instead of taking notes), but because I have so much other important shit to do [...]