Comedy Corner

I was reading one of my favorite comedy sites the other day when I stumbled across an article about ideas a writer had but never really completed for whatever reason. One of them that caught my eye was “Building The Perfect Woman,” and I liked the idea. I figured if he wasn’t going to write it, I’d give it a shot. In a past post I gave you my list of the three hottest women, but that was where it stopped. I never considered which celebrity had the hottest kneecaps or finest eyelids, or what combining them would look like. Also, I figure that the girl world already has John Cena and Orlando Bloom, so constructing the perfect woman would only level the playing field.

I guess we’ll start from the bottom:

To being we’ll select feet, which I believe are obsolete because only podiatrists and men with weird fetishes like feet. Also, most women take such good care of their feet that it doesn’t matter whose you pick, but for the point of argument I’m going to take Missy Elliot’s because any feet that was withstand that much weight without exploding must have super powers.

Next are the legs. For those I chose Paris Hilton. No, I didn’t choose her legs just because they’re easily open-able (swing and a miss), but because it was the only part of her I could choose. When selecting legs, you don’t want thunder thighs that will take up an entire seat, but you also don’t want scrawny little twigs that snap if you rest too heavy a purse on them. Paris Hilton has no attractive qualities besides her legs, but only if you give them a thorough cleaning before-hand—maybe it’s just me but I think everything on Paris appears sticky.

I chose the waist of Victoria Beckham, not only because she was the 5th hottest spice girl but because I wanted to go European. In a country of fake tits and nose-jobs, Posh Spice has continued to amaze us with her slim body. Granted, the rest of her appearance is butt-ugly, which is why we’re only stealing her waist.

For the butt I didn’t think twice about Shakira. If you’ve watched any of her music videos and seen her spin her ass around like she was winning a pillow-fight you’d agree with me. Shakira appears attractive until she opens her mouth and her Columbian vocal chords punch you in the face. Nothing against the Latin-American culture, but I think a woman rolling her R’s and talking to me in the same language my Spanish teacher cursed at me for six years is unattractive. Also, Shakira is 31 years old, so I thought we should include her on the list before all that beauty starts sagging.

For the stomach I took Briana Evigan, also known as the girl from Step Up 2: The Streets. Although the movie was lacking (it’s unbelievable how producers think they can make a movie sequel successful by putting “The Streets” at the end of it and making it more “hood”) the six pack of Briana was amazing. My girlfriend and I joke about how if she works hard enough, she could get a stomach as hot as Briana’s but we all know that’s not true because Briana doesn’t order four sides of french fries every time she goes out to eat.

Continuing up we reach the controversial part of the woman: the breasts. A woman’s boobs are very personal and private, which is why talking about them is so fun. Chesticals play a major part in a woman’s appearance, and selecting from the array of celebrities seems like searching for a needle in a haystack. Luckily, I was a kid brought up on music videos and the internet, so it didn’t take me long to decide that Maria Carey’s “display” was good enough for our lady. They’re big enough to be seen without needing to be pushed and smashed and Wonder-Braed, but not too big as to scare young and timid men. Other substitutable chests include Halle Berry in Swordfish and Courtney Cox in The Longest Yard.

The face of this perfect woman (who, while writing, I have decided to name “Christina Harmony White”) I went with Jennifer Love Hewitt, but I substituted her eyes for those of Megan Fox. I’m still waiting for the day when Megan Fox gets really angry and lasers shoot from her eye sockets and burn a hole in the wall. Jennifer Love Hewitt, on the other hand, has the puffy, rosy cheeks and quaint nose to tickle any man into a good mood.

Next: hair. In a girl I either like my hair straight as a board or unpredictably wavy, but for the benefit of all men I went with Lindsey Lohan’s old hair. In movies like Mean Girls and Herbie: Fully Loaded most guys couldn’t follow the plot due to the distracting attraction of Lohan’s luscious hair. Unfortunately, she then cut it, dyed it, and became lesbian, making her the only celebrity in American history to become less attractive when seen kissing another girl.

Lastly we must select Christina Harmony White’s personality. Anyone who is my close friend knows how much I hate girl’s personalities, and at first I was considering choosing the die-hard, freedom-fighting, baby-stomping mentality of Chuck Norris to fit our Perfect Woman, but the decided against it because even though a woman who could kick my ass is attractive, a woman who could shove a telephone pole through my appendix isn’t. So I went one step down from a combative man: a lesbian. These women don’t care about what guy likes them or if they’re being used for sex, they just want to have short hair and drive SUVs. So I chose our Perfect Lady to have the funny and peppy personality of Ellen Degeneres. Not only is Ellen funny and positive, but she has her own TV show.

So, after sampling a little bit off of every hot woman, let’s see what Christina Harmony White would really look like:

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

The other day, my co-workers and I were discussing a topic that normally takes place in a bakery: who is the hottest “Austin Powers” Girl? Now for those of you who haven’t seen the three “Austin Powers” Movies, the girls are:

Elizabeth Hurley from “Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery”

Heather Graham from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Beyoncé Knowles from “Austin Powers in Goldmember”

Now obviously based on looks, most guys would agree that the order goes Beyoncé with Heather in close second and then Elizabeth in back, but my co-workers and I also factored in humor and acting skills. Comically, the order was changed to Heather (who was 2nd in both categories), Beyoncé (who was the worst actress since Tom Cruise, but whose beauty is unprecedented), and then Elizabeth Hurley (who, although being a model and actress, was put into last place because she’s British). Now personally I would get with any of these actresses in the blink of an eye, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Because although this conversation with my co-workers is one that ignites between any teenage crowd watching the Austin Powers series, this one sparked a new question. Although to call it a question would be like calling Hitler “a little bit racist”; this question was more of an undeterminable debate amongst the human race.

The question is, of course, who is the hottest girl alive? Now before you do some stupid assuming and yell out “OMG I WUD TTLY DO MARIAH CAREY! LOL!” let me explain the rules. The qualifications for these girls is that they come with “no strings attached”—that is, while considering the woman, you pay no attention to her personality, background, or past boyfriends. We are going by the idea that you were knocked unconscious and forgot any celebrity gossip in the past and you were looking at these girls for the first time. Also, the women need to be semi-famous. When I discussed the topic with other girls, I got dumb responses like “There was this cameo by a man in Sex and the City and his mom’s niece in the show was the most gorgeous women I had ever seen.” They don’t have to be big names; they just have to be recognizable names. Lastly, I know that when it comes to the looks of women there are different types. So in order to make things easier, I will split the competition into three categories, which I will describe here as stages of Britney Spear’s life:

The Goody-Girl

This is the girl who you would keep around just because she’s an angel and keeps you out of trouble. You know that with this girl your relationship would never hit a rough spot and everything would be easy sailing. Her looks are based more off of clear skin and cute smile than anything, and you know that if you were to play with her it would include fewer condoms and more Barbie dolls.

The Bad Girl

This is the girl who could probably kick your ass. You don’t dare pick a fight with her because it would result with you on your back crying Uncle. You keep her around because her fierce attitude scares you in a way nothing else can. You would gladly fight a bear or wrestle an alligator than forget your one year anniversary with this girl. After playing around with this girl you’d need three shirts on so no one sees the scars on your back.

The Psycho

This girl could undoubtedly kick your ass, and she has the spiked bracelet to prove.
There’s really nothing attractive about this girl, other than the always sexual idea that if you were to upset her she would slit your throat. In fact, the only thing keeping you with this girl is the fear of your dick being thrown out of a moving car into a field. To prevent yourself from being chopped up and kept in a freezer, you stay with this girl and endure the excruciating and terrifying sex, all-the-while begging that someone spots the Morse Code S.O.S. you’re flashing with your phone. Playing around with this girl would unquestionably involve whips, chains, leather dominatrix suits, and you crying like a bitch.

After much debate and talking with other girls, I feel that I have safely come up with my decision for the hottest girl ever: My girlfriend.

Hahaha just kidding, here are my real candidates for the hottest girl in each category. They are as follows:

The Goody-Girl—Jessica Alba

I feel that if I were to share an apartment with Jessica Alba, the worst thing she would ever do during our 15 years together is overflow her cereal bowl. And even then she would thoroughly apologize and immediately clean it up. She is arguably the cutest thing since Furbie, and probably listens when you ask her to be quiet—something Furbies are yet to do.

My Runners Up: Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston.

The Bad Girl—Megan Fox

The piercing color in this girl’s eyes is enough to make a grown man cry, and her body is enough to have him coming back for more. I feel that if Megan and I ever shared an apartment together, she’s get the bigger bedroom and my bedroom, forcing me to sleep in the closet. We would watch whatever channel she wanted to watch, which would most likely be wrestling or dirt-bike racing. In an interview with Maxim, Megan admitted that she “really enjoys having sex,” a thought that makes more than hope rise in many men (swing and a miss).

My Runners Up: Courtney Cox and Angelina Jolie

The Psycho—Carmen Electra

Carmen Electra is one of the hottest girls alive, but I’d be too afraid to tell her for fear of her whipping a razor from her titties and attacking me. In fact, I’m a little scared that she’s reading this now, finding out my personal information and a planning to kill me in my sleep. The things I would do to this girl are enough to send me to confessional, and the things this girl would do to me are enough to send her to jail.

My Runners Up: Lil’ Kim and Rosie O’Donnell

I would be glad to know what you think of my girls, and I encourage everyone to try to answer to unanswerable question. Do you agree with me? Who are other potential Runner Ups? My co-workers and I dare you to answer the question. If you think you have a good idea, just leave a comment. I probably won’t read it for a while though; I think I have to fix things with my girlfriend.

I just want you all to know how amazing Yahoo Answers is. When I write a post, I try to make cultural references that all can relate to. Unfortunately, my mind is too littered with song lyrics and baseball statistics to remember anything useful, so I tend to get my answers via sophisticated research:

“MOM!!!! Who’s the Red Sox fan that paints the big baseball on his belly?!!?”

“WHAT?!”

“There’s a famous Red Sox fan who paints a big baseball on his beer belly before going to games. I think he has season tickets and he was in some baseball video game!!”

“No, you can’t have any video games!!”

“UGH NEVERMIND!!”

In the beginning I would turn to my buddylist, IMing my friends with random questions like “Do you know another word for broadcasting?” or “What was the period before the Precambrian Age?” This got old fast because my friends are as uncultured as I am, so their answers consisted of “I think I read something about that in Rolling Stones,” or “I can’t talk, I’m looking at Facebook bumper stickers.”

For a while I was so frustrated with my lack of research that I stopped trying to make cultural references altogether. My posts were bland and lame with no creativity at all. I took all my rage out on nominal things such as Goths or Crocs. Then I discovered Yahoo Answers, and my whole life changed.

My question arose when I was zoning out one day in school and got the “Saved By The Bell” theme song stuck in my head. I then thought of this online video I watched in which they mocked the making of stars by filming the kid who “recorded” these famous these songs. The video starts off with a young shy kid stumbling awkwardly into a recording booth, the music playing, and him suddenly bursting into song (of course since this was a comedy spoof, the actual theme song was playing while this kid mouthed the words, but that only added to the effect). Determined to watch this video again, I went hunting for it. After a long and tedious search of 5 minutes on Google and youtube, I gave up. I knew I couldn’t ask my mother because the most recent video she’s watched was The Lion King, and my father was out of the question because he is the least cool person you will ever encounter. With nothing else to turn to, I remembered Yahoo Answers and thought I’d give it a shot.

The whole process was very easy, I made an account, got a new yahoo email address, and was able to ask a question. My question was as follows:

Can someone help me find an online video?
“I know that searching for a specific video is like finding a needle in a haystack, but I watched one months ago and I was wondering if anyone has a tactic for pin-pointing a video, or if they just know what I’m talking about. The video is a spoof on one of those big-fame-ruins-good-people ideas, and in the film a kid is hired to sing theme songs to sitcom shows. I believe he sings the intro to “Saved By The Bell.” Of course, the character isn’t really singing the song, and he is simply lip-syncing the original recording, which adds to the comedy, but you get my point.

As the video continues, he becomes notorious for his amazing theme-song-singing talents, and–like all famous people–does drugs. I don’t really remember how the video ends, all I remember is the star stumbling into the recording studio, obviously intoxicated, yet still singing an amazing duet with a girl before passing out in the booth.”

The good thing about Yahoo Answers is that in order to ask a bunch of questions, you need to answer a few. This means that people who use the site on a regular basis or to make friends are desperate to find questions to answer. And once you ask a question, people who are also on the site immediately see it. Eager to answer first and earn “points,” they jump right on your question and answer what they know. This means that within 20 minutes of answering your question, you have a response. Unfortunately, I had a retard respond to my question, and his answer was:

“Try You Tube they have all kinds of videos”

Youtube? What’s youtube? I’m sophisticated enough to use the internet to watch movies and contribute to question-asking websites, but I have no idea what the biggest video-sharing site in the world is. Thanks for the advice dumbass.

I figured that I’d give the site another chance and ask another really difficult question, one that my mother couldn’t. My next question concerned the baseball fan I was talking about:

Who Is The Red Sox Fan With The Baseball Painted On His Belly?
“One of the biggest Red Sox Fan is the infamous guy with the baseball painted onto his beer belly. I think he was even in the introduction to a video game, does anyone know his name?”

Literally 10 minutes after answering this question, I had three responses saying “Kyle B.” Hesitant, I searched him on Google and his picture appeared.

I was amazed. I was shocked. I was awestruck by this amazing technology. I could literally ask this site anything and they would know it. To test the theory again, I asked an extremely vague question that I already knew the answer to:

Ludacris Music Video?
“I’m looking for a music video of Ludacris that I caught the end of while channel surfing. In the video, he was rocking a baby cradle with a girl in it and basically doing alot of sexual stuff with women.”

This question was hard because in nearly every Ludacris rap video—let alone every rap video—there are “blinged out” rappers disrespecting women. The only hint I gave in his question was that he was rocking a baby cradle. Despite the elusiveness of the question, five minutes after posting I had two responses telling me the video was Missy Elliot’s “One Minutes Man.”

I am astounded by Yahoo Answers and I suggest you use it right now. Ask it any question you want, and you’ll get an answer. Unfortunately, the answer won’t be from me, because I’ll be watching The Lion King.

They do, however, pay taxes.

I love random facts. One of my favorite things is when you and your friends end up all sitting around and sharing all the random facts that you’ve heard in your life; each fact leading to a goofy anecdote. But what I don’t like are the lame kids that always spew the same lame-ass facts that everyone knows. No one wants to be reminded of a fact they learned from their 3rd grade babysitter. Facts are supposed to be stirring and stimulating, which is why it’s retarded when kids try to impress you with these boring “revelations”:

-It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

-Proportionally, the strongest muscle in your body is your tongue.

-There are more plastic lawn flamingos in the US than real ones.

-The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

When you hear these facts, you’re not inspired, nor are you excited to hear another. All you can think is “wow, this person just became as smart as my 8-year-old cousin.”

I think what I love the most about “facts” is that you can really never tell which ones are made up and which ones are true. In fact (no pun intended), you could make up whatever “fact” you wanted, and no one would call you on it—provided it’s believable. For example, for the past 5 years, during every fact-exchange me and my peers have had, I’ve told everyone that all polar bears are left-handed. Are all polar bears left handed? Who knows! The best part is that nobody can call me on it because no one has seen a polar bear throw a baseball with their right hand. Even better, facts spread like wild-fire, especially the fake ones.

Before you I have put together some very interesting facts that—to my knowledge—are completely true. But there’s no real way to tell, all you can do is believe them and tell them to everyone you know.

-On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

-The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.

-In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere… usually in Jerry’s living room.

-More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed each year from using products that are made for right-handed people.

-Pain is measured in units of “dols”. The instrument used to measure pain is a “dolorimeter”.

-David Alan Grier, Ice Cube, Dave Chappelle and John Travolta all turned down the offer to play the role of Bubba from Forrest Gump. Chevy Chase also turned down the role of playing Forrest.

-The name Vanilla comes from the Spanish word “vainilla”, diminutive form of “vaina,” which is in turn derived from Latin word “vagina”.

-The modern bikini was invented by a French designer in 1946. It was named after Bikini Atoll, the site of US nuclear weapon tests a few days earlier in the Marshall Islands, on the reasoning that the burst of excitement it would cause would be like the nuclear device.

-’Fjord’ is the only word in the English language to start with the letters ‘fj’. A fjord is a long, narrow arm of the sea bordered by steep cliffs.

-Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow the film down so you could see his moves

I would love to share more with you people, but I have to go play catch with a polar bear. Does anyone have a lefty glove?

While in high school, many will realize that they need money. Whether it’s because they need to afford the latest video games, buy the trendiest fashion designs, or waste hundreds of dollars on their money-sucking leech-of-a-girlfriend, income is a major part of any high schooler’s life. Which is why, a few weeks ago, I got myself a job. I work roughly 20 hours a week at the local bakery, where we serve delicious pastries, warm cookies, and fresh-out-of-the-oven bagels, all of which have been carefully dropped on the ground before being served.

When you get a job, you recognize how much slips through the cracks at even the most sophisticated restaurants. When I actually ate at this restaurant, I thought that the food was handled with extreme precision and attention, making sure it was cooked perfectly before handing it to our customers on a golden platter. Now that I’m actually the one being forced to deal with the dissatisfied and self-centered shit-fucks that are commanding a bagel “charred but not burnt” and then bitching when the toaster goes up in flames in an attempt to custom toast their order, I realize that employees at any restaurant don’t actually give a rat’s ass what happens to your food.

I know that I’m sounding a lot like the movie Waiting, but it’s entirely true. The whole idea of a job is that you waste the majority of your life wandering around aimlessly, taking orders from unqualified dumbasses and serving people with the IQ of electrical wires. And in return, you make minimum wage, half of which is taken from you by the government, and half of which you’re forced to “save.” The only difference with my site and the movie Waiting is that Ryan Reynolds should win an Academy Award, whereas I’d gladly settle for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Some things I have learned, however, about having a job, are certain ways to manipulate the system and get out of doing legitimate work. What is this super secret idea that will revolutionize the workforce and motivate millions? It’s simple: Look busy. When you’re at work, your manager or coworkers will call upon you to do pointless tasks if they catch you standing around aimlessly. These tasks might include sweeping the floor, cleaning tables, or “re-stocking” the shelves. You obviously don’t need to be doing that, and you’re only going to get in the way of people who are only trying to enjoy their meal. So to avoid being summoned for futile labor, all you have to do is look like you’re already doing a senseless task and people will leave you alone. Some of these tasks include:

• Squinting into the restocking shelves as if you’re looking for something.
• Pretending to take a phone-in order, when you’re really just putting the phone to your ear and going “Yes, yes,      alright. Would you like a side of chips with that?”
• Walking around in circles with two dirty plates in your hands.
• Telling everyone that you’re “on break.”
• Franticly scrubbing the same bowl for 35 minutes, insisting that some lady handed it back due to its filthiness (this      one is extra effective because it makes you seem like a hero and the dish-cleaning staff look sloppy).

Also, while working the register, I have compiled a list of things I hate. Now in a normal, everyday situation, I would be completely alright with these things; it’s just the fact that I have to deal with them 14 times a day that drives me crazy. Pay close attention, you might be one of these people:

The “Exact Change” Person. All the time people want to “get rid of a few coins” by paying me in exact change. Most people would deem this as logical and even convenient, but these people aren’t forced to wait an extra 20 minutes as the customer fumbles around in her purse for 39 cents while the people in line behind her begin to riot. Listen, I have an entire register full of change. Even better, it’s already sorted in boxes full of quarters, nickels, and dimes. If you have extra change, go to Coin-Star, don’t hand me four nickels, three dimes, and 42 pennies in an attempt to make things easier for me. Even worse, I have to count out the money to make sure you’re not trying to rip me off.

I had one lady who bought $4.16 cents worth of food. I told her the total, and she responded “let me just get that.” I then had to sit and watch as this lady rooted around in her purse, fumbling past crisp five dollar bills to reach the change accumulating in the bottom of her wallet. She then handed me (and I swear I’m not exaggerating this) 16 quarters, one nickel, and 11 pennies. After painstakingly sorting out all this change, I was forced—by my manager—to smile and tell this woman to “have a nice day.” Fuck that.

In reality, it makes sense to get rid of extra change. I too, don’t like heavy coins bouncing around in my pockets, and I have a jar that I collect them all in. But what really throws me off are people who try to pay in exact change, over-shoot it, and then wind up with more change than before. One man I served had a total of $8.08. When I told him his total, he handed me a ten dollar bill, and then pulled a dime out of his pocket. This makes sense, seeing as how dimes are annoying change and are inconveniently small, but the only problem is that I handed this man back $1.02. This means that he just went from having one dime in his pocket, to having two pennies. Either the man is some mentally unstable change-hoarder, or he wasn’t thinking straight.

The “Custom Order” Person. At most restaurants, bakeries, and cafes, they have a set menu or food to order from. Nothing annoys people more than customers who think that they are the center of the universe, and that everything they want is at hand. Every time these people are going to be assholes and amend a regular order, they start their sentence like Mr. Lumbergh from Office Space (“Ummm, yeah”). Instead of rant about it, I’m going to show you a conversation I had with one of these people:

Me- Hey, how can I help you?

Man- Hello, I was just wondering what your Smoked Turkey is made of.

Me- It’s a grilled turkey breast with cheese, peppers, mustard, and sauce. It can come on wheat, french slice, or rye.

Man- Umm yeah, can I get that, only can I have it without mustard, cheese, or turkey, and instead have it with lettuce and bacon? And can I have that on white bread?

Me- Sir, you just ordered the Smoked Turkey, but then modified it into a BTL.

Man- Yes, and I was wondering if you could cut it diagonally. It’s for my son and he doesn’t eat things with more than three sides. Which reminds me, he wanted it to come with a chocolate milk, but he said that the chocolate milks here are too chocolaty, so I was wondering if you could take ¾ a box of chocolate milk and mix it with ¼ regular milk. Also the coldness from the refrigerator hurts his teeth, so can you just steam the milk for 15 seconds?

Me- Your total is $5.37

Man- Umm yeah, I only have $3.15.

Just last week a man asked me if there was anyway I could toast his French Baguette. Let me repeat that: he wanted me to put his French Baguette in the toaster. I told him that it was impossible for me to fit a three foot baguette in a tiny toaster, and he asked to “check with my manager.”

People Who Know The Menu Better Than I Do. There are some people who go to my work every day, similar to how some obese people go to McDonald’s every day—it’s tradition. The only difference is that the fat people that go to McDonalds aren’t complete assholes who try to manipulate an ever-changing menu. These people insist that “there’s normally left over soup” when there isn’t any, and then they try to peak over my shoulder as if I’m secretly hiding their beloved soup behind my back. Meanwhile, the offered soups are glowing in massive orange print over my head, but these people insist on finding a loophole in the system by ordering one that’s unavailable.

“But you had chicken noodle soup yesterday,” the people will say, still trying to peer over my shoulder into some imaginary kitchen where they cook every soup in the world. You know what else I had yesterday? Patience, but I’m all out of that too.

Any number under 100 ending in 4 or 9. I hate these numbers because it sucks having to give back four pennies. 34 cents consists of a quarter, nickel, and four pennies. 35 cents, however, is only a quarter and a dime. I hate change more than anything, and I especially think that pennies suck. So you can imagine my hatred when a persons total comes to 94 cents, and I’m forced to shovel out three quarters, a dime, a nickel, and—of course—four pennies. Half the time I want to just give the person the extra cent, but I can’t because when I leave they count my register, and if my total sales don’t add up to the money in the register, I get a stern talking to, and no one wants that.

I hope that you all take this list as a learning tool, and change yourself to benefit others. Because those “others” you’re trying to please are currently putting their hands on their food, as well as scratching their balls; you had just better hope it’s in that order. And if I ever catch another person paying me in exact change while custom-making their own order, I’ll probably shoot them in the back of the head. Or worse, I’ll tell them to “have a nice day.”