Comedy Corner

The other day, my co-workers and I were discussing a topic that normally takes place in a bakery: who is the hottest “Austin Powers” Girl? Now for those of you who haven’t seen the three “Austin Powers” Movies, the girls are:

Elizabeth Hurley from “Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery”

Heather Graham from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Beyoncé Knowles from “Austin Powers in Goldmember”

Now obviously based on looks, most guys would agree that the order goes Beyoncé with Heather in close second and then Elizabeth in back, but my co-workers and I also factored in humor and acting skills. Comically, the order was changed to Heather (who was 2nd in both categories), Beyoncé (who was the worst actress since Tom Cruise, but whose beauty is unprecedented), and then Elizabeth Hurley (who, although being a model and actress, was put into last place because she’s British). Now personally I would get with any of these actresses in the blink of an eye, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Because although this conversation with my co-workers is one that ignites between any teenage crowd watching the Austin Powers series, this one sparked a new question. Although to call it a question would be like calling Hitler “a little bit racist”; this question was more of an undeterminable debate amongst the human race.

The question is, of course, who is the hottest girl alive? Now before you do some stupid assuming and yell out “OMG I WUD TTLY DO MARIAH CAREY! LOL!” let me explain the rules. The qualifications for these girls is that they come with “no strings attached”—that is, while considering the woman, you pay no attention to her personality, background, or past boyfriends. We are going by the idea that you were knocked unconscious and forgot any celebrity gossip in the past and you were looking at these girls for the first time. Also, the women need to be semi-famous. When I discussed the topic with other girls, I got dumb responses like “There was this cameo by a man in Sex and the City and his mom’s niece in the show was the most gorgeous women I had ever seen.” They don’t have to be big names; they just have to be recognizable names. Lastly, I know that when it comes to the looks of women there are different types. So in order to make things easier, I will split the competition into three categories, which I will describe here as stages of Britney Spear’s life:

The Goody-Girl

This is the girl who you would keep around just because she’s an angel and keeps you out of trouble. You know that with this girl your relationship would never hit a rough spot and everything would be easy sailing. Her looks are based more off of clear skin and cute smile than anything, and you know that if you were to play with her it would include fewer condoms and more Barbie dolls.

The Bad Girl

This is the girl who could probably kick your ass. You don’t dare pick a fight with her because it would result with you on your back crying Uncle. You keep her around because her fierce attitude scares you in a way nothing else can. You would gladly fight a bear or wrestle an alligator than forget your one year anniversary with this girl. After playing around with this girl you’d need three shirts on so no one sees the scars on your back.

The Psycho

This girl could undoubtedly kick your ass, and she has the spiked bracelet to prove.
There’s really nothing attractive about this girl, other than the always sexual idea that if you were to upset her she would slit your throat. In fact, the only thing keeping you with this girl is the fear of your dick being thrown out of a moving car into a field. To prevent yourself from being chopped up and kept in a freezer, you stay with this girl and endure the excruciating and terrifying sex, all-the-while begging that someone spots the Morse Code S.O.S. you’re flashing with your phone. Playing around with this girl would unquestionably involve whips, chains, leather dominatrix suits, and you crying like a bitch.

After much debate and talking with other girls, I feel that I have safely come up with my decision for the hottest girl ever: My girlfriend.

Hahaha just kidding, here are my real candidates for the hottest girl in each category. They are as follows:

The Goody-Girl—Jessica Alba

I feel that if I were to share an apartment with Jessica Alba, the worst thing she would ever do during our 15 years together is overflow her cereal bowl. And even then she would thoroughly apologize and immediately clean it up. She is arguably the cutest thing since Furbie, and probably listens when you ask her to be quiet—something Furbies are yet to do.

My Runners Up: Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston.

The Bad Girl—Megan Fox

The piercing color in this girl’s eyes is enough to make a grown man cry, and her body is enough to have him coming back for more. I feel that if Megan and I ever shared an apartment together, she’s get the bigger bedroom and my bedroom, forcing me to sleep in the closet. We would watch whatever channel she wanted to watch, which would most likely be wrestling or dirt-bike racing. In an interview with Maxim, Megan admitted that she “really enjoys having sex,” a thought that makes more than hope rise in many men (swing and a miss).

My Runners Up: Courtney Cox and Angelina Jolie

The Psycho—Carmen Electra

Carmen Electra is one of the hottest girls alive, but I’d be too afraid to tell her for fear of her whipping a razor from her titties and attacking me. In fact, I’m a little scared that she’s reading this now, finding out my personal information and a planning to kill me in my sleep. The things I would do to this girl are enough to send me to confessional, and the things this girl would do to me are enough to send her to jail.

My Runners Up: Lil’ Kim and Rosie O’Donnell

I would be glad to know what you think of my girls, and I encourage everyone to try to answer to unanswerable question. Do you agree with me? Who are other potential Runner Ups? My co-workers and I dare you to answer the question. If you think you have a good idea, just leave a comment. I probably won’t read it for a while though; I think I have to fix things with my girlfriend.

I just want you all to know how amazing Yahoo Answers is. When I write a post, I try to make cultural references that all can relate to. Unfortunately, my mind is too littered with song lyrics and baseball statistics to remember anything useful, so I tend to get my answers via sophisticated research:

“MOM!!!! Who’s the Red Sox fan that paints the big baseball on his belly?!!?”

“WHAT?!”

“There’s a famous Red Sox fan who paints a big baseball on his beer belly before going to games. I think he has season tickets and he was in some baseball video game!!”

“No, you can’t have any video games!!”

“UGH NEVERMIND!!”

In the beginning I would turn to my buddylist, IMing my friends with random questions like “Do you know another word for broadcasting?” or “What was the period before the Precambrian Age?” This got old fast because my friends are as uncultured as I am, so their answers consisted of “I think I read something about that in Rolling Stones,” or “I can’t talk, I’m looking at Facebook bumper stickers.”

For a while I was so frustrated with my lack of research that I stopped trying to make cultural references altogether. My posts were bland and lame with no creativity at all. I took all my rage out on nominal things such as Goths or Crocs. Then I discovered Yahoo Answers, and my whole life changed.

My question arose when I was zoning out one day in school and got the “Saved By The Bell” theme song stuck in my head. I then thought of this online video I watched in which they mocked the making of stars by filming the kid who “recorded” these famous these songs. The video starts off with a young shy kid stumbling awkwardly into a recording booth, the music playing, and him suddenly bursting into song (of course since this was a comedy spoof, the actual theme song was playing while this kid mouthed the words, but that only added to the effect). Determined to watch this video again, I went hunting for it. After a long and tedious search of 5 minutes on Google and youtube, I gave up. I knew I couldn’t ask my mother because the most recent video she’s watched was The Lion King, and my father was out of the question because he is the least cool person you will ever encounter. With nothing else to turn to, I remembered Yahoo Answers and thought I’d give it a shot.

The whole process was very easy, I made an account, got a new yahoo email address, and was able to ask a question. My question was as follows:

Can someone help me find an online video?
“I know that searching for a specific video is like finding a needle in a haystack, but I watched one months ago and I was wondering if anyone has a tactic for pin-pointing a video, or if they just know what I’m talking about. The video is a spoof on one of those big-fame-ruins-good-people ideas, and in the film a kid is hired to sing theme songs to sitcom shows. I believe he sings the intro to “Saved By The Bell.” Of course, the character isn’t really singing the song, and he is simply lip-syncing the original recording, which adds to the comedy, but you get my point.

As the video continues, he becomes notorious for his amazing theme-song-singing talents, and–like all famous people–does drugs. I don’t really remember how the video ends, all I remember is the star stumbling into the recording studio, obviously intoxicated, yet still singing an amazing duet with a girl before passing out in the booth.”

The good thing about Yahoo Answers is that in order to ask a bunch of questions, you need to answer a few. This means that people who use the site on a regular basis or to make friends are desperate to find questions to answer. And once you ask a question, people who are also on the site immediately see it. Eager to answer first and earn “points,” they jump right on your question and answer what they know. This means that within 20 minutes of answering your question, you have a response. Unfortunately, I had a retard respond to my question, and his answer was:

“Try You Tube they have all kinds of videos”

Youtube? What’s youtube? I’m sophisticated enough to use the internet to watch movies and contribute to question-asking websites, but I have no idea what the biggest video-sharing site in the world is. Thanks for the advice dumbass.

I figured that I’d give the site another chance and ask another really difficult question, one that my mother couldn’t. My next question concerned the baseball fan I was talking about:

Who Is The Red Sox Fan With The Baseball Painted On His Belly?
“One of the biggest Red Sox Fan is the infamous guy with the baseball painted onto his beer belly. I think he was even in the introduction to a video game, does anyone know his name?”

Literally 10 minutes after answering this question, I had three responses saying “Kyle B.” Hesitant, I searched him on Google and his picture appeared.

I was amazed. I was shocked. I was awestruck by this amazing technology. I could literally ask this site anything and they would know it. To test the theory again, I asked an extremely vague question that I already knew the answer to:

Ludacris Music Video?
“I’m looking for a music video of Ludacris that I caught the end of while channel surfing. In the video, he was rocking a baby cradle with a girl in it and basically doing alot of sexual stuff with women.”

This question was hard because in nearly every Ludacris rap video—let alone every rap video—there are “blinged out” rappers disrespecting women. The only hint I gave in his question was that he was rocking a baby cradle. Despite the elusiveness of the question, five minutes after posting I had two responses telling me the video was Missy Elliot’s “One Minutes Man.”

I am astounded by Yahoo Answers and I suggest you use it right now. Ask it any question you want, and you’ll get an answer. Unfortunately, the answer won’t be from me, because I’ll be watching The Lion King.

I love random facts. One of my favorite things is when you and your friends end up all sitting around and sharing all the random facts that you’ve heard in your life; each fact leading to a goofy anecdote. But what I don’t like are the lame kids that always spew the same lame-ass facts that everyone knows. No one wants to be reminded of a fact they learned from their 3rd grade babysitter. Facts are supposed to be stirring and stimulating, which is why it’s retarded when kids try to impress you with these boring “revelations”:

-It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

-Proportionally, the strongest muscle in your body is your tongue.

-There are more plastic lawn flamingos in the US than real ones.

-The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

When you hear these facts, you’re not inspired, nor are you excited to hear another. All you can think is “wow, this person just became as smart as my 8-year-old cousin.”

I think what I love the most about “facts” is that you can really never tell which ones are made up and which ones are true. In fact (no pun intended), you could make up whatever “fact” you wanted, and no one would call you on it—provided it’s believable. For example, for the past 5 years, during every fact-exchange me and my peers have had, I’ve told everyone that all polar bears are left-handed. Are all polar bears left handed? Who knows! The best part is that nobody can call me on it because no one has seen a polar bear throw a baseball with their right hand. Even better, facts spread like wild-fire, especially the fake ones.

Before you I have put together some very interesting facts that—to my knowledge—are completely true. But there’s no real way to tell, all you can do is believe them and tell them to everyone you know.

-On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

-The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.

-In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere… usually in Jerry’s living room.

-More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed each year from using products that are made for right-handed people.

-Pain is measured in units of “dols”. The instrument used to measure pain is a “dolorimeter”.

-David Alan Grier, Ice Cube, Dave Chappelle and John Travolta all turned down the offer to play the role of Bubba from Forrest Gump. Chevy Chase also turned down the role of playing Forrest.

-The name Vanilla comes from the Spanish word “vainilla”, diminutive form of “vaina,” which is in turn derived from Latin word “vagina”.

-The modern bikini was invented by a French designer in 1946. It was named after Bikini Atoll, the site of US nuclear weapon tests a few days earlier in the Marshall Islands, on the reasoning that the burst of excitement it would cause would be like the nuclear device.

-’Fjord’ is the only word in the English language to start with the letters ‘fj’. A fjord is a long, narrow arm of the sea bordered by steep cliffs.

-Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow the film down so you could see his moves

I would love to share more with you people, but I have to go play catch with a polar bear. Does anyone have a lefty glove?

I consider myself to be a very up-to-date person. I watch the latest movies, stay on top of world affairs, and have a general knowledge as to how porcupines mate. But one thing I can not comprehend is this whole Hannah Montana craze. I understand that she’s a huge pop-star with three albums and a Disney TV show, but who is she? Half the people call her Miley Cyrus, and the other half calls her Hannah Montana.

After doing some research I found out that our beloved pop-star’s real name is Destiny Hope Cyrus. She is in fact the daughter of Country has-been Billy Ray Cyrus, notorious for his song “Achy Breaky Heart”, and more infamous for sporting the six-foot mullet. The basis for Hannah’s (I’m calling her Hannah) show is that she is a normal girl who lives a secret double life of fame. Around her friends, she is mild mannered Miley Stewart, but through the crafty technology of makeup and disguise, she mysteriously transforms into superstar Hannah Montana! How does crafty Miley evade all suspicion while changing identities? Glasses? Face reconstruction? No, this girl changes her hair color:

I realize that today’s youth is slow and challenged, but I think that out of the 50,000,000 people watching her, one of them would make the connection:

 Unfathomably Complex Identity Transformation 

Fan 1: Hey, doesn’t Hannah Montana look similar to that girl Miley at our school?

Fan 2: Yeah, they have the same eyes, voice, skin color, face, height, stature, and general appearance, only their hair color is different, so it’s impossible.

Fan 1: Right, how dumb of me to even think that.

In today’s world—or as I like to call it “The Real World”—a celebrity changing hair color wouldn’t hide their identity. At least Superman would wear a suit and glasses!

    

Paparazzi 1: Hey, where’d Brad Pitt go?

Paparazzi 2: I don’t know, he was right there, then he turned the corner, and now there’s only some loser with red hair.

Paparazzi 1: Someone push that red-head out of the way so we can find Brad!!!

If a celebrity really wanted to deter the chaotic life of fame, they would have to do something drastic like, for example, shave their head.

And it’s not that Hannah doesn’t have something strong going with this undisclosed stardom thing; it’s that she’s ruined it with her song “Best of Both Worlds.” In the song, she directly discusses her aliases and how she is secretly a celebrity. Some of her lyrics are:

Yeah, when you’re famous it can be kinda fun
It’s really you but no one ever discovers

In some ways you’re just like all your friends
But on stage you’re a star

Livin’ two lives is a little weird
But school’s cool ‘cause nobody knows

Hannah even says “with just a change of the hair, you can go anywhere.” As if it couldn’t get any more obvious! That’s like Superman releasing a song with the lyrics: “With just a phone booth near by, I’m a regular guy.”

Fan 1: Hey, what does Hannah mean by “with just a change of the hair, she can go anywhere?” Is she referring to some sort of wig?

Fan 2: Nah, she must mean that after doing her hair, she looks good enough to address the public.

Fan 1: I wish that girl Miley at our school could be as hot as Hannah.

Out of this entire thing, I have to feel bad for Billy Ray Cyrus. In the 90’s, this man was known for his one hit country wonder, and now his daughter is doing better than him. Let’s compare:

Hannah Montana’s Achievements: She has three different albums, one of which was a double album under her real name; she was ranked at #17 in the Forbes Top 20 Earners Under 25; she earns $3.5 million a year; she released a Hannah Montana clothing collection; and has her own Disney television show.

Billy Ray Cyrus’s Achievements: He has a massive mullet.

My prediction for Hannah Montana’s future are the same as any Disney star’s:

1. She begins staring in movies, first children’s films, and then when she attempts adult films she realizes that she sucks.
2. After dieing out a little bit, she gets caught doing cocaine and goes into rehab
3. Pictures of her naked are released, and no one cares.
4. She changes her pen name to “Hannah Canada,” claiming that she’s the same as Montana, only higher up.

As for Billy Ray Cyrus, I predict that he is never heard of again, never making another albums and dieing of old age at 78. But if he ever does want to become famous, a secret superstar life is only a hair-change away.

Once again, we find ourselves forcing down R. Kelly’s Trapped In A Closet series, in which he delivers a flawless, perfect, and magnificent performance by ignoring all the rules of music. When we left off, his wife had just told him that she had been cheating on him with a policeman who had recently pulled him over for speeding, proving that not only are all women disloyal and unfaithful, but that every policeman who has every pulled you over is simply stalling for your wife to clean things up at home. Unfortunately, R. Kelly’s wife dropped the ball and left a condom in the bed, leading R. Kelly to the truth.

Before we pick up the story, I suggest you refresh yourself with the first five chapters, or, if you remember, we’ll simply discuss some things to look out for in the next few chapters. For example, take notice as to how many times R. Kelly pulls out his gun. In the first series, his gun was out when he came out of the closet, when he was in the apartment with Kathy, Rufus, and Chuck, and when he found the condom. As we continue, pay attention to how Kelly will use any excuse to flail his weapon around, disregarding people’s safety and the legal laws of gun control.

Also, notice how goofy R. Kelly gets with his story line. In the beginning, the story was basic: he slept with a woman who had a husband, but who was actually gay. The whole idea of a policeman stopping you to delay your wife even seemed a little absurd towards the end. But after you see the first few chapters, you’ll see how stupid and foolish Kelly took the plot. So without further ado, I present to you, R. Kelly’s Trapped In A Closet, Chapters 6-12.

Rhymes To Look For:
• Explain and Way
• Freeze and Police

What?! WHAT?! Where’s the violence. Where’s the pure anger and uncontrollable rage?! Your wife just cheated on you! And you’re going to laugh?! This is unbelievable.

Wife: Hey baby, want to hear a funny joke?

Husband: Of course darling.

Wife: I just cheated on you with the policeman who pulled you over this afternoon.

Husband: HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh Susan you’re hysterical!

Also, was I the only one who noticed how in this chapter, R. Kelly completely disregarded having to rhyme? Before, the rhymes were painfully shoved down our throats (in the second chapter, Rufus says that R. Kelly should “sit down in a chair” just so he can rhyme with “stairs”), but they were at least there. Now, Kelly is matching words with themselves:

“Believe it or not, I just started laughin’
Shakin’ my head, and just kept on laughin’”

“She laughs ‘I wanna hear it all’
And then I said ‘baby first of all’”

“He gets to the back door, and discovers it’s been broken in
He looks around, pulls his gun out, then proceeds in”

“Visions of him making to her
Can’t stop thinking ‘bout him and her”

Speaking of guns, notice how Kelly once again whips his weapon out for no reason. Normally, when a gun is pointed at you, your reaction is to remain perfectly still as not to get shot. Instead, R. Kelly finds it necessary to show the cop his gun too, and the two find themselves at a stand still. Even more surprising was why the policeman didn’t shoot Kelly as he went for his gun, but I guess he missed the day of police training when they taught the students to protect themselves.

Lastly, you can see the cheesy “misunderstanding” in which R. Kelly and Gwen laughing sounds nearly identical to R. Kelly beating his wife. Not only that, but Gwen yelled out “Sylvester you’re killing me” right when the policeman was in earshot. And to top it all off, the cops quick glimpse gives him only enough time to see Kelly with his hand raised, as if he was about to punch his wife. R. Kelly had already covered the literary term of symbolism in past chapters with Rufus “coming out of the closet,” and foreshadowing with the policeman smoking cigarettes, now he just has to cover irony with people laughing looking like physical abuse.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Six: Adultery is hilarious

Rhymes To Look For:
• That wound and Bathroom
• Happened and Prison
• Later and Neighbor

Oh great, now we have ANOTHER person entering the love triangle to turn it into some awkward, misshapen love-parallelogram. This time it’s Gwen’s brother, who is fresh out of prison, and fresh into death. Luckily, he’s a thug and refuses to die, similar to 50 Cent and Bob Barker.

A great thing to look at is how the policeman is following R. Kelly’s lead of constantly summoning his weapon. Your wrestling with the gun just got an innocent man shot, and you’re still going to point the thing around threatening people? Who the hell gave this man a police badge?! Also, we learn that the policeman, whose name is James, has a wife at home, and therefore must kill every person in the room.

Not to be outdone, R. Kelly retaliates by answering the door with an unnecessarily drawn weapon. Judging by the house Kelly had, the neighborhood they’re living in doesn’t seem too ghetto, but maybe answering the door with a loaded pistol is what gives their house that “friendly” vibe. But what was truly shocking was when Tron simply snatched the policeman’s gun and pointed it towards the door while the cop did nothing. Normally, grabbing at an officer’s gun would result in your getting your ass shot, but along with protecting oneself, the cop must have also missed the training about not giving your gun to a convicted felon. Alas, all the excitement is ruined when the knock at the door is simply Rosy the Nosey Neighbor, showing up with a spatula to fight off all the twisted aggression. Rosy’s humor and untimely arrival has added “Comic Relief to the list of Literary Terms R. Kelly covers.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Seven: Men will use any excuse to violently whip out their guns, especially if they’re paid law enforcement officers.

Rhymes To Look For:
• All and Dogs
• Nuts and Spatula
• Thing and Cherry
• Hear me and See it

What I like in this chapter is how easily conflict is resolved. Before this, James (the cop) and R. Kelly were wrestling over a gun trying to kill each other, and wound up shooting Tron, causing Gwen to become enraged at both of them. Thankfully, Tron survived the gunshot and was just in time to attack Rosy the nosey neighbor as she knocked on the door, ending the chapter. And then when we pick up here, the policeman is on his way home. He managed to set aside his deadly fight with Kelly and just head home. Similarly, after Rosy shows up, there are no more harsh feelings in the house. They are laughing and joking, ignoring the fact that Tron just got shot while BOTH lovers cheated on one another. The ingenious writing staff must have thought long and hard when choosing what conflicts to illustrate and how each one would critically affect the plot.

In this chapter, we get to see James’s wife, Bridget. And of course when picturing a manly, brusque, black cop, you immediately picture his wife to be a fat southern red-head. Not only that, but Bridget absolutely dropped the ball on this one. First off, James called to let her know that he would be home soon, giving her time to not only clean up but get the guy out of her house. Secondly, who the hell answers the door “I was in the rest room”?! Right from the beginning Bridget acted sketchy, saying that “maybe it was that time of the month,” forcing her husband upstairs, and pacing uncontrollably. Lastly, she couldn’t even get the man out of the house!!!

Woman: That was my husband. He just called me to tell me that he’ll be home soon.

Man: Do you want me to leave before he finds out about us?

Woman: No it’s alright, stick around a while. It’s not like he has a gun.

The only thing we can learn from her performance is what NOT to do when trying to have an affair.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Eight: Sketchy wives are usually from the South.

Rhymes To Look For:
• Kitchen and Dishes
• Twisted and Midget

Before I rip this dumbass chapter apart, let me just show you how R. Kelly portrays cheating wives as painfully stupid retards. The first woman, Kathy, didn’t suspect her husband to come home so soon and was forced to hide her man in the closet. The next lady, Gwen, got a warning that her husband was coming home, but was still unable to hide a condom. Lastly, Bridget, who had a full-fledged notice of her husband’s arrival, was still unable to get her man out of the house. I feel bad for the men who were lied to, tricked, and shoved into cupboards.

This chapter continues with Bridget trying to deter her husband from the kitchen is the most evident way possible. James is finally getting suspicious, and starts checking the kitchen while Bridget discounts all form of secrecy and stands right in front of the sink. In the first chapter, Rufus went on a crazy search around his apartment for R. Kelly, checking behind the shower curtains and looking under the bed. I made fun of Rufus for searching his dresser for the man, when no one could ever, logically, hide in a dresser. Now, Rufus doesn’t look quite as dumb when James explores his kitchen, specifically when he pulls the refrigerator from the wall. It may just be me, but I don’t think you’re very destined to find your wife’s cheater behind the fridge, unless, of course, your wife was sleeping with a mouse.

I’m guessing that when R. Kelly got the feedback from his first series, people told him that the twists at the end of each chapter weren’t shocking enough. So to outdo everyone and clinch the position of best male R&B singer, Kelly had to do something crazy, and by “crazy” I mean “ridiculous.” He put a midget into the story-line, concluding that this series needs to end now. We looked away when he had Rufus and Chuck become gay lovers, and we even turned the other cheek when Gwen slept with the officer who had pulled R. Kelly over. But this is just impossible to ignore. As if things couldn’t get worse, Kelly made the whole part leading up to the unveiling of the cheater with the exact same lyrics as the first chapter:

First Chapter:
“He walks up to the closet
He comes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Now he’s opening the closet…”

Ninth Chapter:
“He looks at the cabinet,
He walks to the cabinet,
He’s close to the cabinet,
Now he’s opening the cabinet…”

As you can see, R. Kelly has given up all effort in this series and doesn’t care anymore; repeating lyrics and bringing forth stupid characters like a midget. I don’t know if you guys got the whole symbolism, but the fact that the midget came out of a proportionally-sized closet is showing that we’re all the same when it comes to cheating. This chapter has made me the angriest out of all of them, but of course I keep watching because it’s either watch the music video form of a train wreck, or do my homework.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Nine: When your musical series is starting to die down and lose momentum, have a midget jump out of a cabinet.

Rhymes To Look For:
• Tell you and Shoot you
• If I tell and myself
• Understand and Address
• Do this and Midget

In chapter 10—or as, I like to call it, “The Decade Chapter”—we are put in the middle of an extremely awkward situation. The policeman has just found the man his wife has been sleeping with, only to discover it’s a midget. The two men start fighting, which is so unfair because the policeman has a loaded gun, a night stick, pepper spray, and professional combat training, whereas all the midget has is a blue pimp suit.

What I didn’t catch the first time I watched this chapter was how the midget wiped cherry pie crust off his mouth. This relates back to the last chapter in which James found a slice missing from the pie, and knew it couldn’t have been Bridget who ate it because she’s allergic to cherry. This means that not only has the midget slept with James’s wife, but he’s also eaten his pie. I’ll give the midget 5 minutes to live. But, as we can see, the midget deals with the quarrel very well and advertises his masculinity by shitting on himself.

Once again we do a quick jump back to R. Kelly’s house, only now he’s no longer referring to himself in the first person like he was before. We now know that his name is “Sylvester” (although Gwen did mention it before). What is cool is that Sylvester is actually R. Kelly’s middle name, so we can clearly see that this series has much to do with his real life.

When we jump back to the policeman’s house we see that he is about to rifle-butt the midget, something I had been yelling at R. Kelly to do in the second chapter. Only he’s stopped because now his wife has a gun. The two find themselves at a stand-still; each pointing the gun at one another. And once again, the midget handles the conflict by pulling out an inhaler and claiming that this isn’t “good for his heart.”

Right at the climax of everything, Sylvester and Tron bust up in the house (not surprisingly, with guns) and try to assess the situation. They find Bridget with a double-barreled shotgun, James with his police pistol, and the room smelling like crap. Luckily, the midget is there to resolve the confrontation, and does his best to sort everything out by fainting.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Ten: Inhalers are perfect for dealing with your heart problem.

Rhymes To Look For:
• Madness and Do with this
• Much for me and Crazy
• Tell me and Daddy

We finally learn the midget’s name, which I’m not sure to take as a joke or just assume is some crazy stripper name like Bubbles or Lexus. He’s called “Big Man,” and he works at the club Sylvester went to that night. Now since nothing eventful really happens until the end of this chapter, let me show you guys what’s about to happen. First, a quick recap:

First, Sylvester slept with Kathy, who was married to Rufus, who had a gay lover named Chuck. Sylvester then went home to his wife, Gwen, who had been sleeping with James. Sylvester and James fought, and wound up shooting Gwen’s brother, Tron, who had just gotten out of prison. After the conflict, James went home to his wife Bridget, who had been cheating on him with a midget. In the whole mess of things, Bridget called up Gwen and asked her to resolve the situation, who sent over Sylvester and Tron.

The reason I had to summarize this whole thing for you guys is because in chapter 11, James accidentally calls Sylvester and Tron “Chuck and Rufus,” making Sylvester suspicious. This little slip from James only leads us to believe that there are more plot twists we haven’t seen yet, and somehow James has ties to Rufus the pastor and Chuck his gay lover.

Also, let me recall you back to chapter 5 in which Sylvester was confronting Gwen about the man she had slept with. In this interrogation, Gwen mentions a girl named Tina, and then another girl named Roxanne. She says:

“Roxanne’s a friend of mine who know this guy named Chuck. Chuck’s cool with this guy named Rufus. Rufus’s wife Kathy, we both went to high school.”

DON’T YOU SEE IT?! James is tied to Chuck and Rufus through Kathy, who is best friends with Gwen!! OH MY GOD THE PLOT TWISTS ARE INCONCEIVABLE!!

Lastly, we find out that Bridget is pregnant with Big Man’s child, causing everyone to pause in disbelief—except Big Man, who shows his appreciation by fainting. Thankfully, we now know that Bridget isn’t actually a fat southern whore, she’s simply a pregnant southern whore.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Eleven: When faced with any news above the ordinary, midgets will faint.

Rhymes To Look For:
• Tell Ya and Room
• Club and Fuck
• Finished and Midget

Leave it to R. Kelly to leave us in such suspense. After telling us that Big Man is Bridget’s baby’s dad, we go back to the apartment where things all started. We pick up right after Sylvester left, and all of them are getting off the floor. Immediately, Kathy and Chuck start arguing, leading to one of the most emasculating cat-fights in history. Chuck pulls a knife, but then realizes that in order to fight he needs to first take off his earrings. After seeing this I can only think back to the first time I watched West Side Story in which two gangs clashed in a knife fight. Maybe that one guy would have won the rumble if he had only removed his earrings.

Rufus breaks up the fight before anything serious happens (i.e., Chuck has to take out his other earring) and they continue yelling at one another while the phone rings. If you listen, you’ll see that the ringing phone doesn’t sound like the normal ring, but instead sounds like R. Kelly going “BRRRRR.” Maybe they would have answered the call if they had recognized the ring. Thankfully, the second time the phone rings, it has a normal tone and Kathy picks it up. Gwen’s conversation is very complicated, partly because R. Kelly made a last second attempt to tie together the plot, but mainly because girl gossip is virtually untranslatable. But in the end, we find out that Kathy and Gwen are best friends, and that Kathy slept with her best friend’s husband.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Twelve: Never pick up the phone if it sounds like R. Kelly going “BRRRR”

Final conclusion:

At the end of 12 chapters, people pulled out guns nine times, and there were nine main characters, with mentions of Tina and Roxanne as secondary characters. I’ll probably end up doing another 5 or six chapters because I haven’t even watched them. Whenever I try to, the quality of the videos is so crappy I can’t put up with it. If someone can find me chapters 13-24 (or however many they’ve done) I’ll critique them and continue to entertain. And if this hasn’t entertained you, then I’m sorry for wasting your time. I’d love to write more, but I think I hear my phone ringing.

BRRRRR

Note To The Reader: For a person who wants to make a successful job in comedy, I highly suggest staying single. Staying single allows you to freely float throughout your life without having to worry about anything except your goals. There’s no worrying about what your girlfriend thinks of you; there’s no fretting over what signals you are sending towards other girls, and there’s no weekly jealous scandal to distract you from your objective. It’s just you and your ambitions. Unfortunately, I have a girlfriend now (a girlfriend who has a sense of humor, which is why I’m able to joke about her so much) so I can no longer talk about women the way I used to. However, I will still convey ideas that I deem pleasurable and beneficial to people who read this site, even if I can’t carry them out myself. For example, this is a post about how to “Man-Whore.” Like most posts, this one is another wing off of my High School Relationships article, so I suggest you at least skim through that one before reading this. The only difference with this edited post and the original one is that the original one started with an entire page criticizing the idea of a High School Relationship in contract to man whoring. If anything, this can be a lesson all of you that what I write in no way, shape, or form, reflects my life. Because there is so much to be learnt in the rules of man whoring, I am going to release only the first “chapter” of a series, including the introduction and how to get started.

In society, being a man whore can either be the most amazing thing in the world, or the worse sin committed, depending on whose eyes it’s seem through. In the eyes of a guy, man whoring is a tribute to manliness and is pictured as putting women in their place as well as an increase in masculinity. On the other hand, by women, man whoring is judged as the most despicable act performed. It demeans their entire race, portrays women as sex-slaves, and disrupts the equality that women had worked so hard to obtain. Let me put all rumors to rest right now by saying that, as a past man whore, I do not feel that the act of using women for sex is not what has publicly humiliated women, and I think you would all agree with me that I say that the cause of women’s public disgrace is solely the fault of Rosie O’Donnell.

In high school, having a relationship with someone is great. It is always good to know that no matter what you do and how bad you mess up, you can always have someone to fall back on, to trust, to care for, and who will be with you no matter what. Oh sure there’s drama, but a strong high school couple won’t let that bother them and will be happy for a very long time. Currently, my girlfriend and I are helping each other get in shape, do better in school, and deal with the pressure of college. I know that I have no intention of losing my girlfriend, and if she has any plans to leave me I’ll kill her.

The only downside of a relationship in high school is that you are tied down with one girl who tells you all about herself, and in a matter of 6 months you learn everything about her. Clearly everyone has a series of stories that they love to tell strangers, and they are normally fantastic ways to get to know one another, but in only a few months, when you’ve told every story you ever had an the only thing your partner doesn’t know about you is that one time you pooped in your church Christmas pageant, you find that you and your girlfriend/boyfriend have nothing interesting to talk about. After that, your conversations are like this:

Girl- Hey babe, what’s up?

Guy- Nothing much, I just got back from the gym and Peter and I are going out to Ana’s. How you doing?

Girl- I’m doing good. Jessica and I went to the mall and bought some shoes for her Sweet 16 and then Jessica fell down the stairs when we got back to her house.

Guy- Jessica is such a sped.

Girl- I know. Did I tell you that one time when we were walking our dogs?

Guy- Yeah you told me that.

Girl- Oh, well did you hear about the time we were at the movies?

Guy- Yeah you told me that too.

Girl- Well what about last Saturday when we were doing the laundry and—

Guy- You’ve basically told me every story concerning you and Jessica ever.

Thankfully, due to my ever-slumping memory and my girlfriend’s patience, she and I haven’t reached that point in our relationship yet. When we do, I suspect I’ll just stop talking to her and we’ll communicate through a series of orchestrated grunts.

What few people know is that in high school there is a raging furry of what scientists call “hormones.” Hormones are microscopic organisms that look like Dale Earnhardt and rush around your system in race cars. As they speed throughout your body, they trigger feelings called “sexual urges” that affect each person differently. For most men, sexual urges convey a feeling of wanting to be with every woman he sees regardless of who they are. Teachers, librarians, total strangers, and even some species of reindeer are all susceptible to a man’s sexual urges. Women also have sexual urges, but theirs only occur once every 3rd leap year, making them difficult to track. For a guy, one girlfriend may not be enough to satisfy all your sexual urges, and masturbation can result in health risks such as carpal tunnel, arthritis, and a very high On Demand Adult Movies bill. This, my friends, is where man whoring comes in.

Before I let forth secrets so shocking and sought after, let me say once again that I no longer do any of these acts due to my loving girlfriend that I don’t want to lose. However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t suggest you give this a shot because I know that there are some of you out there who want to be able to freely juggle women and get unfathomable amounts of ass. And even if you don’t, this list will help you at least pick up one girl, which is probably more than you’ve ever had before. I’m hoping the show you the ropes of how to figure out what women are thinking and how to use that to your advantage. Basically I’m being the teenage version of Mystery from The Pickup Artist, except I’m not a faggot. So here they are: The Rules to Man Whoring.

Before you go out and hit on hot chicks there are a few things you should work on.

1. Become hot. No one wants to talk to a disgusting pale kid with ache and clammy hands. Clean your face, lose weight, shave, and get a hair cut. This doesn’t mean you have to go to the gym every morning and cut back on chocolate and soda, it just means you have to pull yourself together and look somewhat attractive.

2. Become funny. When was the last time you had a good time with a kid who was stale and boring? Girls don’t want someone who can only talk about how many noobs you pwn on World of Warcraft (come to think of it, no one wants to talk to someone like that), so to built off your wit and general upbeat attitude. Even being romantic only worked during the 1800’s in Italy! Nowadays it doesn’t work out and will just end in your cheesy line being shot down or becoming an awkward silence. You’re not Romeo, so cut the crap.

What The Guy Thinks Will Happen:
Guy- Whenever I look in your eyes I become alive. You’re the part of me that I’m missing and without you I won’t be complete.

Girl- Kiss me you fool!!!

What Really Happens:
Guy- Whenever I look in your eyes I become alive. You’re the part of me that I’m missing and without you I won’t be complete.

Girl- Shut the fuck up you pussy.

Also, there are different kinds of funny. Girls love to be made fun of. They love to feel ditsy and clueless because they feel that it feeds into their angelic, I-have-no-idea-what’s-going-on-in-the-world-right-now personality. So when you point out something they did/said wrong and ridicule them for it, instead of being offended like a normal person would, they will giggle to themselves and touch your arm. Remember, when they touch your arm, do not start sweating.

At the same time, remember not to get too carried away with your comedy. If the girl is telling you a story, listen to the story. Don’t mock everything she says with that sarcastic, dick-face thing most guys do; don’t stare into her eyes and appear like a creepy stalker that analyzes everything she says, and don’t—under any circumstances—get caught looking at her chest. Unless her story ends with “And then I got two massive boobs that I want guys to drool over,” you should leave your chest-glances to a minimum; preferably when she’s leaning over to pick something up. If she has a story that relates to something you know, wait until she’s finished her story and then tell yours. Hopefully your story will be more compelling than hers, because chances are hers was about her girlfriend being a bitch and ditching her.

3. Have an easily accessible house. In the later parts of man whoring when you have a girl over, you don’t want to have her join you in a strenuous climb up Mount Olympia to get to your house. If possible, have your family move closer to where people live and not at the top of a hill. For example, my house is 4 minutes away from my school, so having girls over was extremely easy.

4. Get an idea of who you would want to get with. On the thumb scale—the universally understood method of rating people—if you are a thumb sideways, don’t go shooting for girls who are double thumbs’ up. Instead, go for maybe three thumbs diagonally up and one thumb’s up. Similarly, if you are a thumb’s up, don’t stoop to a thumb’s diagonally down. Remember, if you shoot for the stars, you might miss and bang yourself a semi-good-looking chick.

5. Get yourself an AIM screen name. In today’s day and age, everyone talks to one another through Instant Messages and having a screen name will enable you to “get in on the cool.” When selecting an AIM screen name, you can base yours off of many outlines the public uses. Here are a few ideas:

• The “First Name Initial, Last Name, Number” Screen Name. This sn is exactly what it seems: the first letter of your first name followed by your last name, followed by a number. The creativity obviously comes from the number, as it could be your sports number, your year of graduation, or a random compilation of your favorite digits. Examples:

-cnorris45
-abaldwin09
-sdogg32

• The “Nickname, Number” Screen Name. Statistically, 62% of high schoolers have nicknames. Not only do nicknames make the person appear younger and childish, they also allow for fantastic screen names. My first screen name, for instance, was boonyb37, and my second one was bizzoony45.

• The “Quote From A Movie/Song” Screen Name. This is the only screen name you can have that doesn’t need to be followed by an array of numbers. My friend made his screen name from a My Chemical Romance song, and another one took hers from a Dave Matthews Band song title. If you feel that a song title truly portrays who you are, I suggest this type of screen name. Examples:

-iLoveRock&Roll
-WeAllLiveInAYellowSubmarine
-HappyBirthdayToYou

Keep in mind that an AIM screen name can be any creative thing you want it to be, provided you follow it with a spew of random numbers that no one else in the world could think of. Also, avoid forming your screen name around an inside joke, or anything with the phrase “Irish Pride” in it.

Once you have successfully prepared for man whoring, you can get ready to fulfill your wildest fantasies and get all the women you’ve ever wanted. Keep in mind, though, that it will take brains, balls, and determination to pull off this risky way of living. Many people say that I had it easy when I was man whoring and that I was the luckiest kid in the world for being able to get all the girls I ever wanted. Little did they know how much work it took and how much of my time was taken up by all the girls. The only reason I put up with it is because I believe every man should man whore at least once in his life. After all, who the hell wants to be tied down to a lame ass girlfriend?! (Baby if you’re reading this, I love you and I promise to buy you a Tiffany’s necklace if you don’t get mad)

In the beginning, there was Adam and Eve. And Eve was a whore, so Adam slept with her and had thousands of children. But that wasn’t just it. Adam didn’t just walk up to Eve, hook up with her, and then bounce. There was a massive middle-ground that consisted of cheesy pickup lines, lies, fake promises, and false impressions. Essentially, Adam was macing the shit out of Eve. Let’s start from the beginning:

The Ice Breaker

Possibly the hardest thing about getting with girls is first breaking the ice with them and finding something to talk about. You can’t just walk up to a girl and try to talk with her—most guys can’t even walk up to a girl without breathing heavily. You need to establish common ground that both you and the girl can relate to. Here are some examples:

Example 1: The girl is in your math class: Ask what the homework was, then say that you don’t understand anything the teacher is talking about, then say that this year is really hard for you, and then ask her how her year is going. This is how the conversation will most likely turn out:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: hey, do you know what the math homework was?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: yeah it was pages 37 numbers 15-32.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: thanks, this year is really hard for me. I don’t understand anything Mr. D is talking about

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Yaa me neither. I just draw stuff in my notebook and do my other homework

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: same here, this year is really hard for me because im taking all honors classes plus I have soccer every day after school

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: me too except im doing cheerleading

NOTE: This is not the appropriate time to say that cheerleading is not a sport. Everyone knows that it isn’t a sport, and you can inform the girl about that later.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: yeah it sucks that i only have like two hours to do my homework until i go to sleep. who do you have for history?

This conversation will continue and later on digress to who she has for every class, what she thinks about those teachers, what she does after school, and what her future plans are.

Example 2: You hung out with the girl and met her through another one of your friends when you all went to a party/sports event/movie. You didn’t get to really talk to the girl but you thought she was damn fine and got the impression that she would hand out. A day or two after hanging out with her, ask her what’s up, how she knows the person you met her through, and how she’s been. If she’s cooperating, go onto ask about the basics of school. This is how the conversation will most likely turn out:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: hey its Ryan from saturday night

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: hey whats up

NOTE: Just because a girl asks “What’s up” doesn’t mean she likes you. The person receiving the IM is obligated to ask “What’s up” even if the person talking to them is the scum of the earth. More on finding out whether a girl truly connects with you or not later.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: nothing much you?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: just chilling

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: that’s cool. R was just wondering how you knew Amanda

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Amanda and I went to preschool together and were best friends until I moved

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: haha that’s funny because I met Amanda when I moved to her school in 4th grade. But you still go to the high school, right?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Haha ya, I just went to a different elementary school

NOTE: Now is not a good time to discuss Elementary School politics. Every guy knows that their elementary school was the best at kickball, football, and baseball, but girls don’t give a rat’s ass about that. Besides, we all know that my school could have destroyed your school at kickball.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I think I’ve seen you around the high school, I just didn’t know who you were. What classes do you take?

This conversation will continue the same way the first example would: about school.

Example 3: You just want to talk to the girl with whom no relation at all. I wanted to put this up here partly as a learning session, but more to brag to you about how skilled I am at handling women. This is the ice-breaker I used to get my girlfriend 8 months ago, and we still joke about it today because it was so cheesy and horrible. That doesn’t matter though, because all the ice-breaker does is allow you to get your foot in the door without awkwardly asking a person you never talk to “Hey, how’s it hanging?”

If you never speak to the girl but you think you stand a chance with her, you might just want to ask a random question that you think she’ll either know the answer to, or something that will allow you to joke about and build off of. For example, I knew that my girlfriend thought that I was hot before I threw in my ice breaker, which gave me the confidence that no matter what I said, she would respond in somewhat of a positive way, which is why our conversation went like this (I am not making this up either, this was actually our conversation):

RandyQuenchVFM: Hey, do you know another word for “friendship”?

BoonysGirlfriend247: Umm no, sorry

RandyQuenchVFM: Haha, don’t worry this isn’t a cheesy pickup line, (NOTE: It was) I’m just writing a comedy post and I can’t think of another word for friendship other than “togetherness”

BoonysGirlfriend247: I don’t know any, I’m sorry. Did you try thesaurus.com?

RandyQuenchVFM: Yeah I tried that but it didn’t give me anything good. It’s alright I’ll just use togetherness, sorry for bothering you.

BoonysGirlfriend247: no problem

RandyQuenchVFM: How have you been lately? I haven’t talked to you in forever.

The conversation continued to her boyfriend breaking up with her, to the awkwardness between them, how it affected her in school, to how school went. When attempting to get a girl with this type of ice-breaker, be original but not too creative. No girl is going to talk to a guy who starts off a conversation with “Does it sometimes hurt when you poop?” Also, if this is a person you used to talk to but haven’t in a while due to you guys drifting apart, one of you being in a relationship, or her telling you to never speak to her again, inform her that you’ve been asking a bunch of people on your buddy list and no one has been a help. Just be sure that no matter what the conversation starts out as, it always drifts into the topic of school. School is a very easy subject to talk about mainly because each kid spends six hours in school a day, five days a week. Not only that, but every kid can connect with the talk of school, and most people share the same views as to how much their teachers hate them.

While talking about school (which is ideally what you want the conversation to lead to), some key points to talk about are how hard your classes are, how you don’t do homework, different cheating tactics, and how much your teachers hate you. Depending on what happens, you should mean to end the conversation by pretending to have a fake chore (“My mom wants me to help cook dinner” or “My sister needs help with her homework”) and say that you’ll talk to the person later. Also remember to not make up random family members, as you could be in trouble when the girl comes over and finds out that you don’t have 4 brothers and 3 sisters.

Another thing that most men struggle with is when to talk to the girl next after meeting her. Some people say that there’s a three day rule or a one day rule or that you play hard to get and make her contact you. These are all wrong, and if you want to appear as a guy with interest but not too much interest, you should wait two days before you talk to her next. This is the chance you use to relay off the hidden signals the girl sends you. It’s sort of like body language, but since you’re too much of a pussy to talk to the girl face to face you need to pick up on things she says online.

One of the first things you should see is if she’s asking you questions in response to yours. If you find yourself pulling teeth in order to continue the conversation, you should probably find yourself a fake chore (“Oh sorry I gotta go, my mom needs me to bring the groceries in”) and end the conversation. However, if you see that she’s responding in multiple sentences and actually talking to you instead of just answering your questions, then you might find yourself getting lucky.

Good Conversation:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Hey, how’s it going?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Good, you?

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I just finished my homework and now I’m exhausted

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Haha yeah I had a lot of homework too

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I didn’t even have a lot, I just watched TV for a few hours and I was already tired when I started it.

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Oh that sucks, I do my homework right when I get home from school. It kinda just lets me get it out of the way and then I have the rest of the night to do whatever I want, ya know?

Bad Conversation:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Hey, how’s it going?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Good, you?

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I just finished my homework and now I’m exhausted

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Yeah me too.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Plus I’m about the watch the baseball game, but I can’t until my English essay is finished

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: That sucks

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Do you watch baseball?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Not really

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Oh sorry I gotta go, my mom needs me to bring the groceries in.

You can see that if the girl answers in short statements, she’s intentionally preventing you from casually continuing the conversation. If you scroll back up, you’ll notice that after my ice-breaker, my girlfriend asked if I had looked at thesaurus.com. This was a hint that she was in the mood for talking and wanted to talk to me, which is why I carried on. While talking to the girl, you’ll probably get a hint of whether she really wants to talk to you or not. If she doesn’t, then simply end the conversation and try again in another two days. If you still get the feeling that she would rather stab herself to death than talk about school with you, drop her and try for another girl.

After a while, you and the girl will continue talking, which means you’ll end up having to progress past the focus of school. This also gives you practice on avoiding become one-dimensional, and you will be able to lead conversations into things other than school when you first talk to a girl. However, not all girls talk about the same things guys talk about. Girls aren’t going to want to talk for hours and hours about how the referees weren’t at fault for Miami losing the 2003 Fiesta Bowl. You need to stick to basic things that most people can agree upon. Here are some ideas:

Sports: You can talk about sports you played when you were little, why you quit them, and funny stories that happened when you were playing them. Also, past sports stories are the easiest to make up. How is your girlfriend going to find out that you actually didn’t travel to the U.S. Junior Olympics and dislocate your knee in a game against Sweden? Also, this is a time to jokingly say that cheerleading isn’t a sport. Even though it’s really not and every chick that thinks that it takes skill to say “Let’s give a cheer for the lions!” should be punched in the face, you can’t get into a fight with the girl this soon. Just joke with her about it and then drop it. There is an endless amount of material to talk about in the category of sports.

Jobs And Money: In high school, kids start getting jobs, and kids that don’t start getting jobs start talking to girls about it. A simple “I need a job soooo bad” or “I am dead broke” will spark an entire conversation about job opportunities and how shitty jobs are. Talk about what you’re thinking about applying to, what jobs you used to have, why you quit that job, and all that stuff. Also, you have to remember to listen when she talks about her job. Ask questions. Act interested. We know you’re not, but still.

Going To The Gym: All girls think they’re fat, and you could probably get in better shape yourself, so talk about it.  Just make sure to never agree with a girl when she says that she’s fat.  The best response is “I’m going to get mad the next time you call yourself fat” or “you’re fine, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  Things like this just make it seem like you care, and the girls will think they’re whales no matter what you say.

Divorce: From the years 1992 to 2000, the divorce rate was at an average of 45%. This means that there is a 45% chance that this girl’s parents are divorced, and she’ll probably want to talk about it. But ONLY if your parents are divorced too; that’s the rule. No one wants to share their innermost thoughts about a traumatic experience in their life if they don’t have someone who felt the same way. My girlfriend and I still talk about our parents’ separation, and we help each other through things as we talk. If you’ve been talking to this girl long enough and you feel that she trusts you, maybe fake that the divorce has hurt you and talk to her about it. It brings people closer together, and that’s what you want.

You can be definitely sure that the girl is into you when she starts initiating the conversation and you don’t have to start it. Even though this may seem like a small thing, it plays a major role because then you can be sure that she enjoys talking to you. Her initiation may not come until the 7th or 8th conversation, but it means something big. Also, be on the look out for her waving, smiling, or making note of your presence in the hallways at school. Just make sure not to look like a faggot jumping and waving at her while she walks right by you.

Talking to girls online works for a while, and text-messaging can eventually come into play, but ultimately you’ve going to have to call this girl. This call could and should be something very short, and I suggest you don’t call her while she’s with other people. Maybe you’re walking home from school and you need to kill 15 minutes. Maybe you’re getting a haircut and you don’t want to look like a fool walking alone. And even though these are prime opportunities to call her, I suggest you do it at night alone in your room. Give her a call and say that you’ve been thinking about her (which you haven’t) and wanted to see what she’s doing. You’ll notice that it is much harder to carry out a conversation over the phone than online, and that the pauses you take to form a funny sentence on AIM turn into long awkward silences on the phone. Even though these happen, just a simple “so what have you been doing today?” or “how was school?” gets the ball rolling again. When you feel that you’ve made your impression that you care, you can pretend that your dad needs you to set the table for dinner or that he’s kicking you off the phone to start your homework. Even though you may have only talked to her for 20 minutes, you’ve broken another layer of ice because now you can call her whenever. However, I still suggest that the two day rule comes into play, and eventually this will turn into three or four days depending on how many girls you get.

This concludes the first chapter on how to successfully man whore. In case you haven’t already noticed, the first stages are very similar to how you get a girlfriend, only we’re going to get four or five. At the prime of my man whoring days, I had 7 different girls I was getting with, each with their own rank and schedule. You’ll learn more about ranks and schedules in the next article, but as for now, here are some things to remember:

Things To Remember:

1. The Ice Breaker is a very important and needs to be original and creative, but also believable
2. Talk about general things that you both agree upon, but also get personal and learn stuff about her. Keep in mind that you want her to like you to the point where she’ll hook up with you
3. Try not to go after girls that are prudes and will do nothing. Girls younger than you will gladly hook up with an older kid, so wield that as a weapon.
4. Never, EVER, give a girl the satisfaction of thinking that cheerleading is actually a sport.

I hope you enjoy what you’ve read so far and will come back to read more. And if you disagree with anything you’ve read here, I will gladly settle this in a game of Elementary School kickball.