Comedy Corner

It seems that every time I talk about how awesome movies are becoming, something happens and they improve tenfold. My latest post about badass movies was the Steps To Creating A Kickass Action Movie in which I informed upcoming directors how to guarantee the success of their action movie. When it comes to violent movies, I have stopped caring about what actors are in it, who directed it, or what the plot it. All I look at now is when the movie was made.

Normally, I won’t watch a movie made before 2003. This isn’t because I think that past movies aren’t original or worth watching, it’s just that back in 2003 movies couldn’t be as violent as they’re allowed nowadays. A decade ago, showing a man get his face blown off was unthought-of, and any movie that dared to include such a scene would get horrible reviews. It was only until 2004/2005 when movies like Saw and Hostage came out when America finally accepted that there is nothing more entertaining than unorganized violence soaked in blood.

Today, every action movie has, on average, 32,498,728,324,987,109 people killed. Half of those people are viciously be-headed, and the other half are ferociously torn to shreds. It’s become a belief in modern movie-making that the amount of blood splattered is directly proportional with your positive reviews. I wouldn’t be surprised if in five years there’s a movie released consisting of two-and-a-half hours of non-stop headshots.

Unfortunately, the increase in blood has blinded directors from doing their jobs to tie in a plot. Too often movies dedicate too much time to properly detonating a Bowing 707 and forget that there has to be a reason to blow up the things they do. In order to fix this problem, movie writers have turned to irrational, far-fetched ideas as to why the main character needs to jump out of an airplane and simultaneously shoot 16,000 enemies. My favorite thing movie writers have done is try to belittle the audience by turning the end-of-the-movie twist into a complicated medical catastrophe that resulted in the death of thousands to save one man. A perfect example is Shoot Em Up, an amazing movie with Clive Owen as a relaxed sharp-shooter who uses carrots as his deadliest weapon. The movie is the personification of badass, but the end twist is the worst in movie. I’m not going to tell you what it is partly because I don’t want to give it away but mostly because I didn’t understand it past all the medical mumbo-jumbo. Basically, it has to do with a man forcing children/clones to be born so that he’ll have enough blood donors for a risky operation that will allow him to live longer. It doesn’t matter because at the point in the movie where they reveal the secret plot twist, you’re too dumbstruck by the fight scenes to realize how mediocre it is.

You can really tell that a movie has dedicated its entire budget to explosions and cut down on paying the people who think up story lines whenever a movie’s twist has to do with plastic surgery. With today’s modern technology, plastic surgery can literally make you a different person, and movie producers use that to their advantage while creating a surprise ending. Did the main character die? No he didn’t, they killed the wrong person and the main character got reconstructive surgery to hide his wanted face. Is this guy dead? No, he’s been alive for 30 years, he just looks different. My two examples for this are the movies War with Jet Lee, and Smokin’ Aces with Ryan Reynolds. These two movies (which my brother described as “lacking”) are jam packaged with violence, and when the producers realized that they were two hours and fifteen minutes into the film without any plot change, they turned to the one thing they could think of: plastic surgery. Watch the movie to understand what I mean, because describing it here is making me angry.

I still offer my services to anyone who wants to make a substantial action film, seeing as how I know everything and everyone agrees with what I say. You might not be able to recognize me though, I’m having facial reconstruction surgery.

1. Continue to joke that “big feet means big socks.”

2. Openly sing the chorus to “Living On A Prayer” whenever you’re halfway through anything

3. Start every sentence with “when I rule the world . . .”

4. Insist that playing “Stairway to Heaven” backwards has hidden anti-Semitic messages.

5. Ask to go “halvsies” on something insignificantly small, like a bag of chips or a cookie, stating that you’re “watching your figure.”

6. Yo Mamma Jokes.

7. Begin every story with “When I was watching Family Guy . . .”

8. When someone says that they’re getting a hair cut, yell “WHICH ONE?!” and then aggressively laugh.

9. Whenever someone starts a story “One time . . .” interrupt them by saying “at band camp . . .”

10. Suggest a Backstreet Boys of Nsync song during a school dance and then act cool mouthing all the words.

11. Inform everyone you see that you have “the skillz that killz”

12. Continue to type “ur,” “idc,” and “idk” online even though you’re in high school

13. Make unnecessarily racist comments while at a formal place like, for example, church.

14. Obsessively use South Park jokes in real life situations.

15. Refer to Hanukkah as “Jew Day.”

16. Argue that you coined an already publicized catchphrase like “Boo-Yah” or “Ching-A-Ling.”

17. Warn everyone that their faces are “about to get rocked off” before playing guitar.

18. Ask people if they’d like “ice for that burn” after making fun of them.

19. Remind everyone that you’re going to heaven because you legally download music.

20. Point to someone’s outfit and say “nice shirt, does it come in hetero?”

21. Try to convince everyone that you’re internationally cultured because you went to Hawaii.

22. Insist that you can pull off a pink tie.

23. Never let your friends forget that one time you loaned them a dollar.

24. Ask to see someone’s phone and then secretly read their text messages.  Snicker obnoxiously and glance at them.

25. Pretend to shoot someone in the chest when they’re wearing a Superman shirt and then tediously explain to them the Dane Cook skit. Call them a fag when they don’t laugh.

Likewise, here are a few things you could to that will automatically neutralize all your weaknesses and make you the coolest person ever.

1. Anytime you see a guy holding a purse for his girlfriend, ask him if that’s where he keeps his testicles.
2. Whenever a girl is being bitchy, call her the “Queen of Mean” and then sarcastically respond “yes your highness” to everything she says.
3. Chuck Norris Jokes. But not lame ones like “Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer,” you need quality ones like these.

Nearing the end of my junior year I have started looking at colleges. And since my GPA is in the negative numbers, my standards are pretty low. I’m certainly not going to an Ivy League School, but I’ve also avoided drugs long enough to stay out of community college.

When considering what college you want to go to, there are numerous things you want to consider: Does the college support your major? What is the size of the school? What are the surrounding towns? How many kids apply and are accepted every year? What division are they for sports? What is the teacher/student ration? What much is tuition? Could you in there with your current GPA? How will your SAT scores affect your chances?

I have most of my decisions down: I want a school of 4,000-8,000 students surrounded by a large town that offers majors in communications and journalism. The school should be Division III for sports and demand an average 3.0 GPA. With those things considered, I’m looking at Keene State College in New Hampshire, and I took a tour there a month ago.

When I got to Keene, we all sat in this room and the baseball coach gave us an overview of the school’s offerings, criteria, and surroundings. He informed us that the Keene mascot is an owl (because when envisioning a vicious and relentlessly killing animal, you immediately focus on nocturnal birds) and that the town surrounding the college was where the movie Jumanji was filmed. The coach then went into complicated school terms like an integrated curriculum and a four-point system, so I zoned out and let my dad ask questions.

One thing I liked about the coach was that he referred to everything as an “entirely different animal.” Instead of simply saying “I’ll talk about that later” or “that’s another story,” he would always say “that’s an entirely different animal”:

Parent- How would internships help your life after college, does it allow you to get a foot in the door or is it simply necessary to gain credits?

Coach- Some classes, specifically education classes, demand internships as you reach the later semesters. I’ve heard of communication majors doing brief summer internships which have transformed into their career, but that’s an entirely different animal.

After watching the coach talk for a while I began to think a question in which this catch-phrase in the answer would actually work:

Parent- Are students allowed to bring pets into their dorms?

Coach- There have been students who have had a goldfish and a hamster in their dorms. My junior year I had a friend who bought a housecat for his suite, but that’s an entirely different animal.

The coach let us go and three girls toured us around the college campus. The tour mainly consisted of parents asking questions relating to when they went to college (“Where would students put their record players?”) while the kids stand around and awkwardly eye one another. The girls showed us around the campus where every building had an eerie relation to the team mascot. There was the “Night Owl” café; the “Owl’s Nest” convenience store; and the “Hoot And Scoot,” the Keene equivalent to fast-food. There stores were nice, but my favorite restaurant was the campus barbeque wing restaurant, Hooters. (swing and miss)

Choose a team mascot is a very serious issue on college campuses. Every year students go to college considering the location, population, and tuition, but never the mascot. The result? They major in political science at an Ivy League school, but play baseball for the “Madison University Belly Button Rings.”

When selecting a mascot, the safest category to choose from is animals, specifically predators. Lions, tigers, bear (oh my!) and cougars are all mascots that inject fear and terror into their opponents. Similarly, big aggressive birds are intimidating. Eagles, hawks, falcons, etc. all work, specifically if your Sunday night game is against the Harrison College Field Mice.

A bad category for mascot selection is anything to do with people. The Indians, Warriors, Minute Men, and Pirates are all embarrassing to your campus. No one wants to play the California University Foot Soldiers, and the South Trent Trojans are just degrading. The image of an Indian is even worse because the Indians started out with all of North America and would up defending plantations in Ohio. Trojan in a type of condom, and the Minute Men have trouble pleasing the ladies. (swing and a miss) The only exception is to name your team the Gladiators, but that only works if your home field looks like the coliseum and your mascot is Russell Crowe .

Keene State was a very nice college. It had exactly what I wanted: a communications major, a psychology minor, and hundreds of beautiful women. With the ability to communicate to women and read their minds, I’d be able to get dozens of attractive women. I’d tell you what I’d do with those girls, but that’s an entirely different animal.

I just want you all to know how amazing Yahoo Answers is. When I write a post, I try to make cultural references that all can relate to. Unfortunately, my mind is too littered with song lyrics and baseball statistics to remember anything useful, so I tend to get my answers via sophisticated research:

“MOM!!!! Who’s the Red Sox fan that paints the big baseball on his belly?!!?”

“WHAT?!”

“There’s a famous Red Sox fan who paints a big baseball on his beer belly before going to games. I think he has season tickets and he was in some baseball video game!!”

“No, you can’t have any video games!!”

“UGH NEVERMIND!!”

In the beginning I would turn to my buddylist, IMing my friends with random questions like “Do you know another word for broadcasting?” or “What was the period before the Precambrian Age?” This got old fast because my friends are as uncultured as I am, so their answers consisted of “I think I read something about that in Rolling Stones,” or “I can’t talk, I’m looking at Facebook bumper stickers.”

For a while I was so frustrated with my lack of research that I stopped trying to make cultural references altogether. My posts were bland and lame with no creativity at all. I took all my rage out on nominal things such as Goths or Crocs. Then I discovered Yahoo Answers, and my whole life changed.

My question arose when I was zoning out one day in school and got the “Saved By The Bell” theme song stuck in my head. I then thought of this online video I watched in which they mocked the making of stars by filming the kid who “recorded” these famous these songs. The video starts off with a young shy kid stumbling awkwardly into a recording booth, the music playing, and him suddenly bursting into song (of course since this was a comedy spoof, the actual theme song was playing while this kid mouthed the words, but that only added to the effect). Determined to watch this video again, I went hunting for it. After a long and tedious search of 5 minutes on Google and youtube, I gave up. I knew I couldn’t ask my mother because the most recent video she’s watched was The Lion King, and my father was out of the question because he is the least cool person you will ever encounter. With nothing else to turn to, I remembered Yahoo Answers and thought I’d give it a shot.

The whole process was very easy, I made an account, got a new yahoo email address, and was able to ask a question. My question was as follows:

Can someone help me find an online video?
“I know that searching for a specific video is like finding a needle in a haystack, but I watched one months ago and I was wondering if anyone has a tactic for pin-pointing a video, or if they just know what I’m talking about. The video is a spoof on one of those big-fame-ruins-good-people ideas, and in the film a kid is hired to sing theme songs to sitcom shows. I believe he sings the intro to “Saved By The Bell.” Of course, the character isn’t really singing the song, and he is simply lip-syncing the original recording, which adds to the comedy, but you get my point.

As the video continues, he becomes notorious for his amazing theme-song-singing talents, and–like all famous people–does drugs. I don’t really remember how the video ends, all I remember is the star stumbling into the recording studio, obviously intoxicated, yet still singing an amazing duet with a girl before passing out in the booth.”

The good thing about Yahoo Answers is that in order to ask a bunch of questions, you need to answer a few. This means that people who use the site on a regular basis or to make friends are desperate to find questions to answer. And once you ask a question, people who are also on the site immediately see it. Eager to answer first and earn “points,” they jump right on your question and answer what they know. This means that within 20 minutes of answering your question, you have a response. Unfortunately, I had a retard respond to my question, and his answer was:

“Try You Tube they have all kinds of videos”

Youtube? What’s youtube? I’m sophisticated enough to use the internet to watch movies and contribute to question-asking websites, but I have no idea what the biggest video-sharing site in the world is. Thanks for the advice dumbass.

I figured that I’d give the site another chance and ask another really difficult question, one that my mother couldn’t. My next question concerned the baseball fan I was talking about:

Who Is The Red Sox Fan With The Baseball Painted On His Belly?
“One of the biggest Red Sox Fan is the infamous guy with the baseball painted onto his beer belly. I think he was even in the introduction to a video game, does anyone know his name?”

Literally 10 minutes after answering this question, I had three responses saying “Kyle B.” Hesitant, I searched him on Google and his picture appeared.

I was amazed. I was shocked. I was awestruck by this amazing technology. I could literally ask this site anything and they would know it. To test the theory again, I asked an extremely vague question that I already knew the answer to:

Ludacris Music Video?
“I’m looking for a music video of Ludacris that I caught the end of while channel surfing. In the video, he was rocking a baby cradle with a girl in it and basically doing alot of sexual stuff with women.”

This question was hard because in nearly every Ludacris rap video—let alone every rap video—there are “blinged out” rappers disrespecting women. The only hint I gave in his question was that he was rocking a baby cradle. Despite the elusiveness of the question, five minutes after posting I had two responses telling me the video was Missy Elliot’s “One Minutes Man.”

I am astounded by Yahoo Answers and I suggest you use it right now. Ask it any question you want, and you’ll get an answer. Unfortunately, the answer won’t be from me, because I’ll be watching The Lion King.