Comedy Corner

They do, however, pay taxes.

Today’s topic of discussion is very serious to me: sports violence. Sports were once an activity revolving around recreation and fun, but have slowly evolved into excuses for aggression. Take, for example, England. No country is more patriotic or prouder than England. The nationalism in that country could overpower any other, and the brotherhood amongst its citizens is stronger than anyone else’s. Which is why you wouldn’t be surprised to find out that during the Euro Cup, the English soccer team’s supportive fans celebrate their team’s victory by joining together, sharing laughs, and—in some festive cases—lighting cars on fire.

You can’t blame the English though. Their sense of nationalism is fueled by more than heart and love of the game. Their pride is powered by something powerful. It rushes through their veins, causing a momentary high in which their inner devotion can no longer be withheld. The English’s pride is energized by one thing: beer. When filled with this alcoholic pride, soccer no longer becomes a sport. It becomes a social even in which you and your friends sing songs, celebrate life achievements, and viciously riot in the street.

Without beer, sports would be exactly what they were meant to be: entertaining. Let’s look, for instance, at America’s favorite pastime of baseball. When baseball grew in the 1920’s it was very amusing. Families would go to the ballpark dressed in their most formal outfits—as if they were going to church—to see legendary heroes build their careers. Baseball was a game of numbers, and nothing else.

It was later that baseball was combine with America’s other favorite pastime: aggressive drinking. Fans no longer went to games for entertainment, but instead used it as a place to socially drink. Fights would erupt against opposing fans—and even fellow teammates—and most fans wouldn’t even watch the game. Ball parks have inevitably tried to resolve the problem by charging 7 dollars a beer, but determined fans will not be defeated. And if you don’t believe that beer has infected baseball, just look at this comparison:

What Fans Wore In The 1920’s

What Fans Wear Now

My interest in the subject arose when I had a personal experience with sports violence. I was at my girlfriend’s field hockey game, and things were getting rough.

Field hockey, for those of you who don’t know, was invented in the 1960’s during the women’s rights movements as a “replacement sport.” Replacement sports arose when women demanded “equal rights” and men needed to stop their persistent bitching and quickly invent sports for them. First, they tried to make women’s leagues from men’s sports, they that failed miserably, as shown by A League Of Their Own. So instead, they invented replacement sports; activities competitive enough to qualify as sports, but easy enough that girls can still play them on their period.

Softball evolved from baseball, but in order to make it easier two things were eliminated:

1. The overhand pitch
2. The entertainment

Similarly, field hockey came from men’s ice hockey, but made it easier for girls by taking it off the slippery ice, making it basic so that girls only have to use one side of the stick, elimination checking, and getting rid of that nasty “intensity” that takes place in most real sports.

Watching my girlfriend play field hockey was almost as exciting as eating glue. A bunch of girls were just running around aimlessly and every time an offensive attack started to develop the whistle would blow and the play would stop. Luckily, things got exciting when one girl on the other team started getting into a girl on our team’s face. The two began pushing one another and yelling in each other’s face. I couldn’t hear the argument, but I assume it went like any other sport trash-talk:

Girl 1: Your shorts don’t match your shoes!

Girl 2: Oh yeah, well your socks don’t match your stick!

Girl 1: Take that! (Shoves Girl 2)

Girls 2: Everyone thinks you wear too much makeup!!

Girl 1: YOU BITCH!

This vicious trash-talk continued throughout the game until we won 12-3. That’s another thing about “replacement sports,” they’re normally so boring to watch because one team completely dominates the other. Rarely will you see a women’s sport that is so close that you get interested; the two exceptions being the 1998 Women’s Soccer Finals and the Rock Of Love 2 reunion. (In Case You Missed It)

After the game, our team gathered to celebrate the win and later went out to our cars. It was then we found out that our car windows were smashed. Two windows, actually. One van window had been completely decimated, while another car had a rock thrown through it. Horrified by what had just happened to her van, a girl on our team expressed dreadful concern towards the accident. “They had better not have taken my Hollister clothes!” she yelled, jumping into the car and grabbing a shopping bag. The clothes were still there (Thank GOD!) but one girl did get her purse stolen and my girlfriend’s dad had his briefcase taken. I lost all the homework I had worked so tediously to complete and was unable to hand it in.

In that single incident, field hockey gained my respect. It was no longer a replacement sport, but an aggressive activity that resulted in window smashing and grand-theft-purse. I am personally signing up for a field hockey team so that I can partake in the action. But first, I think I need a drink.

I love random facts. One of my favorite things is when you and your friends end up all sitting around and sharing all the random facts that you’ve heard in your life; each fact leading to a goofy anecdote. But what I don’t like are the lame kids that always spew the same lame-ass facts that everyone knows. No one wants to be reminded of a fact they learned from their 3rd grade babysitter. Facts are supposed to be stirring and stimulating, which is why it’s retarded when kids try to impress you with these boring “revelations”:

-It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

-Proportionally, the strongest muscle in your body is your tongue.

-There are more plastic lawn flamingos in the US than real ones.

-The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

When you hear these facts, you’re not inspired, nor are you excited to hear another. All you can think is “wow, this person just became as smart as my 8-year-old cousin.”

I think what I love the most about “facts” is that you can really never tell which ones are made up and which ones are true. In fact (no pun intended), you could make up whatever “fact” you wanted, and no one would call you on it—provided it’s believable. For example, for the past 5 years, during every fact-exchange me and my peers have had, I’ve told everyone that all polar bears are left-handed. Are all polar bears left handed? Who knows! The best part is that nobody can call me on it because no one has seen a polar bear throw a baseball with their right hand. Even better, facts spread like wild-fire, especially the fake ones.

Before you I have put together some very interesting facts that—to my knowledge—are completely true. But there’s no real way to tell, all you can do is believe them and tell them to everyone you know.

-On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

-The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.

-In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere… usually in Jerry’s living room.

-More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed each year from using products that are made for right-handed people.

-Pain is measured in units of “dols”. The instrument used to measure pain is a “dolorimeter”.

-David Alan Grier, Ice Cube, Dave Chappelle and John Travolta all turned down the offer to play the role of Bubba from Forrest Gump. Chevy Chase also turned down the role of playing Forrest.

-The name Vanilla comes from the Spanish word “vainilla”, diminutive form of “vaina,” which is in turn derived from Latin word “vagina”.

-The modern bikini was invented by a French designer in 1946. It was named after Bikini Atoll, the site of US nuclear weapon tests a few days earlier in the Marshall Islands, on the reasoning that the burst of excitement it would cause would be like the nuclear device.

-’Fjord’ is the only word in the English language to start with the letters ‘fj’. A fjord is a long, narrow arm of the sea bordered by steep cliffs.

-Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow the film down so you could see his moves

I would love to share more with you people, but I have to go play catch with a polar bear. Does anyone have a lefty glove?

With the April vacation coming up and later the summer, many people will be going onto trips in which they are, technically, tourists.

Tourist [toor-ist]—noun:
1. a person who is traveling, esp. for pleasure.
2. a person who costs everyone else pleasure by traveling

Being a tourist is a very big responsibility; not only do you have to get a life-remembering journey down into a week of site seeing and three rolls of camera film, but you must do it all while representing your country in the most stereotypical and negative way possible to the point where everyone wants to go to war with the country you’re from. It is a lot of responsibility that few can handle, and many cave under the pressure, which is why I have constructed steps that will help you better yourself as a tourist and successfully allow other countries to hate you.

1. Always travel out of the country.

Let’s face it, there’s nothing exciting to see in America, at least not in comparison to other countries. The United States is a very young country, and there’s no joy in seeing something that is “almost 100 years old.” My grandmother is almost 100 years old, and she visits every spring. And if you are going to travel within America, you have to travel at least 10 states away from where you live, that way you at least hear a different accent or come across a new form of bigoted racism. But even then, traveling nationally is a waste of most vacation opportunities. You’re not exploring foreign land; you’re not experiencing different cultures. You’re paying 15 dollars to take an elevator up the Empire State Building. COOOLLL!!!

Europe is the place to go while traveling, because people there speak enough English for you to not feel completely lost, but still hate America enough to rip you off. If you go to Europe, get ready to pay 15 Euros more on every purchase you make, regardless of what you buy. And with inflation and cash exchange, 15 Euros is equally to roughly $2,793. Also, with Europe, all the famous landmarks are smashed together, making sight seeing much easier. As opposed to American where the White House is hundreds of thousands of miles and two plane trips away from the Golden Gate Bridge, in one European day trip, a family could see up to six different landmarks (“Look honey, there’s Eiffel Tower! If we hurry we can still see Big Ben!!”).

2. Picture Taking.

A picture is worth a thousand words. And one billion pictures of you and your family weakly smiling in front of the leaning tower is just what you need to be a tourist. Nothing says “I’m an international loser” like an entire photo album labeled “Italy 2008” in which your sunburned face is seen tarnishing otherwise gorgeous pictures of every Roman landmark.

When taking a picture that will forever be remembered by being locked away in a dusty photo album in your attic, there are a few things you need to consider:

Let it be known that in every picture you take on a vacation, you are going to look like you just fought a bear. You’ve been walking all day; you’re sweaty and tired; and even though you knew you’d be taking pictures you still wear your Vote For Pedro t-shirt that makes you look like you’re in 5th grade.

To distract people from your sunburned face and white-trash style, you need to do something in your picture that will make people look away from you and more towards the out of focus and off-center landmark behind you. Most people do what I call “Picture Participation” in which they take an “original” photo of themselves in front of the monument, and therefore ruin any chances of people liking it. Picture Participation either involves you pointing into the distance towards your landmark, making a dumbass face in front of the landmark, or being “creative” even though everyone has already done what you’re doing. Here are some examples:

My main example for Picture Participation, however, is what every single person does in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy. If you’ve been to Pisa, you’ve done it. I guarantee it. I’ve done it!! It’s when you think you’re cute and artistic by taking a picture of you “holding up” the tilting tower, even though everyone around you is doing the exact same thing. Don’t believe me?

Next, you must determine how far away from the landmark you are going to take the picture. As you can see by the three examples of Picture Participation, you can choose to be near or far from your landmark, depending on how many of your blemishes you want people to see. Let me tell you now that professional tourists like myself make sure to take pictures as far away from the landmark as possible. This allows people to get an amazing view of the scenery behind you, and will also make the picture so blurry that people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between you and a trashcan. And I’m not talking about 50 or even 100 yards away. Oh no, the perfect picture requires skillful measurements and proper camera lighting, as shown by this scale:

In addition, you must complain and fuss when someone walks in the way of your shot, which will be roughly every 3 seconds. Make a big deal out of people “ruining” your picture by walking in front of you and scoff loudly so they know that you’re distressed. Chance are they did it on purpose when they saw the American flag on your bag.

3. Carry A Map. Everywhere.

If you were to go to Washington D.C. and try to spot tourists, you would simply have to look for anyone rushing around with their nose buried in a map. Tourists have some ongoing need to constantly be in contact with a map; for fear that getting lost in the exotic town would end their lives. Common tourist apparel includes the following:

a. Trusty map
b. Backpack jacked up so high it’s basically resting on him neck
c. Sandals
d. Socks
e. Sunscreen
f. Sunglasses
g. Two or three exhausted people complaining and following behind him

A tourist could have to walk one block to his destination, but would never be able to see the gigantic castle because his face is blocked by the map. Unable to look up from the paper to see the landmark towering over him, he will then assume he’s lost ask directions from a European. This is a horrible decision because not only do Europeans hate Americans more than life itself, but putting your trust in their hands obligates them to mess with you. “Excuse me, do you know where the Arc De Triomphe is?” the man will say slowly and clearly, praying that the man understands him. This broken and helpless sentence translates in most European languages into “I’m wrongfully trusting to go anywhere you point. By the way, I’m American.” This is also why it took so long for the American army to re-claim Paris in World War II.

American General: Can you ask this person how the American Army can get to Paris?

Translator: Arrêter de mettre que j’écris dans une langue différente par un traducteur

French Person: J’ai dit que cent fois vous arrêtez

Translator: He says that we just missed it. We want to go east through Switzerland, and take a left at Austria. He says we can’t miss it.

American General: CHARGE!!!!

No matter where you travel, and no matter where you go, you’ll be a tourist. You will wander around aimlessly while epitomizing all that everyone hates. The best you can do is suck it up, try your best, and stay at home where the privacy of your own house prevents people from judging you. But if you ever feel like being viciously judged while becoming lost, people really need help holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa.