Comedy Corner

In history class I’m learning about the first World War. The whole idea is pretty cool, especially how every country got involved and created a World-Wide Battle Royale. My history class is boring, so I’m hoping to summarize the war for you the way a comedy writer would: by discarding all rational facts and substituting them with bullshit.

I don’t really care about how the war started, why the war stared, or how it all ended. I’ve already taken notes on those things, and I’ve already taken the test; safely allowing me to forget that information forever. There are only two things about WWI that amuse me:

1. America saved the Allies asses at the end
2. Trench warfare was badass

If you’ve never heard of it, trench warfare is the coolest version of fighting since the Revolutionary War. Soldiers of each side would dig ditches in open areas across from another country, and spend days trying to drive the enemy out of their trench. But they wouldn’t just stand there with their thumb up their asses waiting for their opponents to move (with the exception of the French, who did everything with their thumb up their asses until 1965); they would alternate charger of one another’s trench. In these attacks, the soldiers would be running across open planes, called no man’s land. They decided to call it no man’s land because it sounded more appealing than STAY THE FUCK OFF OF THAT PIECE OF LAND. While sprinting across no man’s land, a soldier would have to dodge bullets and avoid bomb shells.

Just imagine it: you’re rushing across an open plain, the sound of bombshells echoing in your ears. Suddenly, an explosion next to you rips off your partner’s legs; his screams are silenced by the overpowering sound of machine gun fire. Another explosion sends shrapnel whizzing by your face and you feel a piercing pain in your gut as the metal tears through your skin like wet paper. You collapse to the ground; your lungs filling with blood and you’re slowing losing consciousness. Blackness creeps up from behind you and the last thing you see are your allies jumping over your body to continue the charge. No one is even helping you, and as you lay there dieing you can only think one thing: This is so bad ass.

Let’s face it, over the years war fighting has grown less and less cool. It all started with the Revolutionary War, in which men would stand in parallel lines, face each other, and—after closing their eyes and praying to God—fire a shot. Back then, your survival depended on one thing: luck. When all the smoke cleared, you would open your eyes, check your body for lethal wounds, and then go home and buy a lottery ticket. The reason the United States even won the war was because we pussied out and hid behind walls and trees.

Skipping the Civil War—I skip the civil war because until black people realize that millions of white men fought for African American rights and that they’re not actually, technically, legally, repressed anymore, there is no real point in recognizing the war—our next major battle is World War One. As I discussed before, these people would openly stampede across bare fields to their opponents in an attempt to drive their enemy back. Not only that, but the chemical mustard gas was used then. Mustard gas was invented by the Germans and was dropped by planes over enemy trenches. If soldiers didn’t put their gas masks on quick enough, the gas would get in their throat and leave an awful mustardy taste in their mouth. There were however, some ways to avoid and even counter the threat of mustard gas, the first one being to constantly carry around gas masks, and the other being—for some of the poorer countries—to carry around hot dogs. For historical reference, and also to give you, the reader, a clearer idea of how heroic trench warfare truly, was, here are a few people who fought in WWI:

The next major war was World War II. I haven’t covered it in history yet but here’s what I know about it:

1. It involved the Germans and some guy named Hitler
2. A bunch of people died
3. Jewish people didn’t win
4. America—once again—saved the Allies asses at the end

All I remember from about WWII was me sitting in history class with the infamous D-Young and trying to stay awake through Schindler’s List. What I do recall about WWII is that most of the fighting—or the cool parts, at least—happened with planes. These fighter planes were capable of twisting, turning, barrel-rolling, and, best of all, plummeting to the ground in a crumbled mass of flame.

The planes that were used in WWII were much different than the military planes we have today. Today, our planes can travel at 1,317 mph, fire heat-seeking missiles that can fire over 400 yards, have machine guns that can fire over 100 rounds a second, possess top of the line GPA navigation systems and communication lines, and have ejection seats in case of emergency. Pussies. The planes used in WWII had nothing but a propeller and a gun. Some didn’t even have wings! Pilots would have to peer out into the distance and look for a blurry dot that could potentially be the enemy. Finally, when two pilots located one another, they would hastily prepare for battle, ready their machine guns, buckle their seat beat, and then land to refuel. By the time most dogfighters found their enemy, a treaty was signed and the war was over. The Japanese were especially good at quickly locating their enemies because they had far superior equipment like, for example, binoculars.

The final war I’m going to cover is the War on Terror that has been going on for the past 7 years or so. This war certainly isn’t as major as the other ones because after 7 years America has only had about four casualties, but I feel it covers today’s military tactics. As a nation, America is proud to boast about its unprecedented military and special forces that rule over this world. We have machinery so advanced and weapons so powerful that any nation who dares challenge us will be blasted back to the Stone Age. For a quick synopsis, let’s look over some of today’s military weapons:

Knights Armament M4 MWS—Fires 900 rounds a minute with a 500 meter effective range. Has rapid fire and also a burst setting, and comes with components including various scopes, flashlights, target designators and grenade launcher.

Colt M4 Carbine—Already 10 years old, this rifle isn’t even used anymore despite the fact that is can fire 1,000 rounds a minute (166 a second)and has an accurate range of 600 meters. It only weights 7.5 pounds when fully loaded.

Barrett M107—This sniper’s rifle is going to soon be adopted by the U.S. military. It has a range of 2,000 meters, and is designed to take down some armored targets. The military has plans to further reduce the gun’s noise and flash upon firing, which seems pointless because no one will be able to see it from 2,000 meters away.

With technology so advanced like this, soldiers are able to escape danger altogether, and most wars are resolved without that much blood-shed. The lack of bravery and manliness now involved in combat is not only leading to our country being ridiculed for our pathetic divisions, but also preventing us from creating any amazing war movies of the past. Movies like Behind Enemy Lines and Saving Private Ryan brought the reality of harsh war-styles into the nation’s eyes. With today’s technology, we can’t produce war movies because it would mainly consist of grown men sitting around in the desert praying for some action, and no one wants to make a movie like that. Oh wait.

With today’s pussy “life-saving” technology opening up army enrollments to anyone who can sign a contract, here are the people who could fight in today’s military:

As much as I hate to say it, the manliest fighting style has to go to the Muslims. Even though they epitomize terror and fear, you have to give these guys props. They strap bombs on themselves, run into buildings, and just explode. There’s no pussy-footing around with “helmets” and “body armor,” they just do it. And if you think I’m racist for calling all Muslim’s suicide bombers, take this quick quiz:

Who is most likely to be a suicide bomber:

a) Muslim
b) Librarian
c) Child
d) Dog

Answer: All of them!!

That’s the beauty of suicide bombing: it goes back to the old school approach of recruiting. In the Revolutionary War, the solders were farmers, sailors, butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers. You became a soldier if you

1) Owned a gun
2) Bought a gun
3) Asked for a gun

Today, army recruits need to endure physical, mental and emotional tests. They are knocked down and built back up to ensure their strength. And that’s just before they enlist. Muslims, however, require only that you have a body capable of being strapped with C4, and that you scream “Praise Allah” before exploding. On the Bad Ass Scale? I’d give it a 9.5.

I predict a time in which military technology becomes so advanced that we have no need for soldiers. World leaders will simply sit at a large table and solve international conflicts with games like Stratego, War, and Monopoly (“Uh-Oh Germany, you have to go directly to jail. Do not pass GO, do not collect 200 dollars.”). In a time like that, you can find me sitting peacefully on my couch with all the men who would normally be in the line of fire. We’ll be watching Schindler’s List and eating hot dogs.

Will someone please pass the mustard gas?