Comedy Corner

Once again, we find ourselves forcing down R. Kelly’s Trapped In A Closet series, in which he delivers a flawless, perfect, and magnificent performance by ignoring all the rules of music. When we left off, his wife had just told him that she had been cheating on him with a policeman who had recently pulled him over for speeding, proving that not only are all women disloyal and unfaithful, but that every policeman who has every pulled you over is simply stalling for your wife to clean things up at home. Unfortunately, R. Kelly’s wife dropped the ball and left a condom in the bed, leading R. Kelly to the truth.

Before we pick up the story, I suggest you refresh yourself with the first five chapters, or, if you remember, we’ll simply discuss some things to look out for in the next few chapters. For example, take notice as to how many times R. Kelly pulls out his gun. In the first series, his gun was out when he came out of the closet, when he was in the apartment with Kathy, Rufus, and Chuck, and when he found the condom. As we continue, pay attention to how Kelly will use any excuse to flail his weapon around, disregarding people’s safety and the legal laws of gun control.

Also, notice how goofy R. Kelly gets with his story line. In the beginning, the story was basic: he slept with a woman who had a husband, but who was actually gay. The whole idea of a policeman stopping you to delay your wife even seemed a little absurd towards the end. But after you see the first few chapters, you’ll see how stupid and foolish Kelly took the plot. So without further ado, I present to you, R. Kelly’s Trapped In A Closet, Chapters 6-12.

Rhymes To Look For:
• Explain and Way
• Freeze and Police

What?! WHAT?! Where’s the violence. Where’s the pure anger and uncontrollable rage?! Your wife just cheated on you! And you’re going to laugh?! This is unbelievable.

Wife: Hey baby, want to hear a funny joke?

Husband: Of course darling.

Wife: I just cheated on you with the policeman who pulled you over this afternoon.

Husband: HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh Susan you’re hysterical!

Also, was I the only one who noticed how in this chapter, R. Kelly completely disregarded having to rhyme? Before, the rhymes were painfully shoved down our throats (in the second chapter, Rufus says that R. Kelly should “sit down in a chair” just so he can rhyme with “stairs”), but they were at least there. Now, Kelly is matching words with themselves:

“Believe it or not, I just started laughin’
Shakin’ my head, and just kept on laughin’”

“She laughs ‘I wanna hear it all’
And then I said ‘baby first of all’”

“He gets to the back door, and discovers it’s been broken in
He looks around, pulls his gun out, then proceeds in”

“Visions of him making to her
Can’t stop thinking ‘bout him and her”

Speaking of guns, notice how Kelly once again whips his weapon out for no reason. Normally, when a gun is pointed at you, your reaction is to remain perfectly still as not to get shot. Instead, R. Kelly finds it necessary to show the cop his gun too, and the two find themselves at a stand still. Even more surprising was why the policeman didn’t shoot Kelly as he went for his gun, but I guess he missed the day of police training when they taught the students to protect themselves.

Lastly, you can see the cheesy “misunderstanding” in which R. Kelly and Gwen laughing sounds nearly identical to R. Kelly beating his wife. Not only that, but Gwen yelled out “Sylvester you’re killing me” right when the policeman was in earshot. And to top it all off, the cops quick glimpse gives him only enough time to see Kelly with his hand raised, as if he was about to punch his wife. R. Kelly had already covered the literary term of symbolism in past chapters with Rufus “coming out of the closet,” and foreshadowing with the policeman smoking cigarettes, now he just has to cover irony with people laughing looking like physical abuse.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Six: Adultery is hilarious

Rhymes To Look For:
• That wound and Bathroom
• Happened and Prison
• Later and Neighbor

Oh great, now we have ANOTHER person entering the love triangle to turn it into some awkward, misshapen love-parallelogram. This time it’s Gwen’s brother, who is fresh out of prison, and fresh into death. Luckily, he’s a thug and refuses to die, similar to 50 Cent and Bob Barker.

A great thing to look at is how the policeman is following R. Kelly’s lead of constantly summoning his weapon. Your wrestling with the gun just got an innocent man shot, and you’re still going to point the thing around threatening people? Who the hell gave this man a police badge?! Also, we learn that the policeman, whose name is James, has a wife at home, and therefore must kill every person in the room.

Not to be outdone, R. Kelly retaliates by answering the door with an unnecessarily drawn weapon. Judging by the house Kelly had, the neighborhood they’re living in doesn’t seem too ghetto, but maybe answering the door with a loaded pistol is what gives their house that “friendly” vibe. But what was truly shocking was when Tron simply snatched the policeman’s gun and pointed it towards the door while the cop did nothing. Normally, grabbing at an officer’s gun would result in your getting your ass shot, but along with protecting oneself, the cop must have also missed the training about not giving your gun to a convicted felon. Alas, all the excitement is ruined when the knock at the door is simply Rosy the Nosey Neighbor, showing up with a spatula to fight off all the twisted aggression. Rosy’s humor and untimely arrival has added “Comic Relief to the list of Literary Terms R. Kelly covers.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Seven: Men will use any excuse to violently whip out their guns, especially if they’re paid law enforcement officers.

Rhymes To Look For:
• All and Dogs
• Nuts and Spatula
• Thing and Cherry
• Hear me and See it

What I like in this chapter is how easily conflict is resolved. Before this, James (the cop) and R. Kelly were wrestling over a gun trying to kill each other, and wound up shooting Tron, causing Gwen to become enraged at both of them. Thankfully, Tron survived the gunshot and was just in time to attack Rosy the nosey neighbor as she knocked on the door, ending the chapter. And then when we pick up here, the policeman is on his way home. He managed to set aside his deadly fight with Kelly and just head home. Similarly, after Rosy shows up, there are no more harsh feelings in the house. They are laughing and joking, ignoring the fact that Tron just got shot while BOTH lovers cheated on one another. The ingenious writing staff must have thought long and hard when choosing what conflicts to illustrate and how each one would critically affect the plot.

In this chapter, we get to see James’s wife, Bridget. And of course when picturing a manly, brusque, black cop, you immediately picture his wife to be a fat southern red-head. Not only that, but Bridget absolutely dropped the ball on this one. First off, James called to let her know that he would be home soon, giving her time to not only clean up but get the guy out of her house. Secondly, who the hell answers the door “I was in the rest room”?! Right from the beginning Bridget acted sketchy, saying that “maybe it was that time of the month,” forcing her husband upstairs, and pacing uncontrollably. Lastly, she couldn’t even get the man out of the house!!!

Woman: That was my husband. He just called me to tell me that he’ll be home soon.

Man: Do you want me to leave before he finds out about us?

Woman: No it’s alright, stick around a while. It’s not like he has a gun.

The only thing we can learn from her performance is what NOT to do when trying to have an affair.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Eight: Sketchy wives are usually from the South.

Rhymes To Look For:
• Kitchen and Dishes
• Twisted and Midget

Before I rip this dumbass chapter apart, let me just show you how R. Kelly portrays cheating wives as painfully stupid retards. The first woman, Kathy, didn’t suspect her husband to come home so soon and was forced to hide her man in the closet. The next lady, Gwen, got a warning that her husband was coming home, but was still unable to hide a condom. Lastly, Bridget, who had a full-fledged notice of her husband’s arrival, was still unable to get her man out of the house. I feel bad for the men who were lied to, tricked, and shoved into cupboards.

This chapter continues with Bridget trying to deter her husband from the kitchen is the most evident way possible. James is finally getting suspicious, and starts checking the kitchen while Bridget discounts all form of secrecy and stands right in front of the sink. In the first chapter, Rufus went on a crazy search around his apartment for R. Kelly, checking behind the shower curtains and looking under the bed. I made fun of Rufus for searching his dresser for the man, when no one could ever, logically, hide in a dresser. Now, Rufus doesn’t look quite as dumb when James explores his kitchen, specifically when he pulls the refrigerator from the wall. It may just be me, but I don’t think you’re very destined to find your wife’s cheater behind the fridge, unless, of course, your wife was sleeping with a mouse.

I’m guessing that when R. Kelly got the feedback from his first series, people told him that the twists at the end of each chapter weren’t shocking enough. So to outdo everyone and clinch the position of best male R&B singer, Kelly had to do something crazy, and by “crazy” I mean “ridiculous.” He put a midget into the story-line, concluding that this series needs to end now. We looked away when he had Rufus and Chuck become gay lovers, and we even turned the other cheek when Gwen slept with the officer who had pulled R. Kelly over. But this is just impossible to ignore. As if things couldn’t get worse, Kelly made the whole part leading up to the unveiling of the cheater with the exact same lyrics as the first chapter:

First Chapter:
“He walks up to the closet
He comes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Now he’s opening the closet…”

Ninth Chapter:
“He looks at the cabinet,
He walks to the cabinet,
He’s close to the cabinet,
Now he’s opening the cabinet…”

As you can see, R. Kelly has given up all effort in this series and doesn’t care anymore; repeating lyrics and bringing forth stupid characters like a midget. I don’t know if you guys got the whole symbolism, but the fact that the midget came out of a proportionally-sized closet is showing that we’re all the same when it comes to cheating. This chapter has made me the angriest out of all of them, but of course I keep watching because it’s either watch the music video form of a train wreck, or do my homework.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Nine: When your musical series is starting to die down and lose momentum, have a midget jump out of a cabinet.

Rhymes To Look For:
• Tell you and Shoot you
• If I tell and myself
• Understand and Address
• Do this and Midget

In chapter 10—or as, I like to call it, “The Decade Chapter”—we are put in the middle of an extremely awkward situation. The policeman has just found the man his wife has been sleeping with, only to discover it’s a midget. The two men start fighting, which is so unfair because the policeman has a loaded gun, a night stick, pepper spray, and professional combat training, whereas all the midget has is a blue pimp suit.

What I didn’t catch the first time I watched this chapter was how the midget wiped cherry pie crust off his mouth. This relates back to the last chapter in which James found a slice missing from the pie, and knew it couldn’t have been Bridget who ate it because she’s allergic to cherry. This means that not only has the midget slept with James’s wife, but he’s also eaten his pie. I’ll give the midget 5 minutes to live. But, as we can see, the midget deals with the quarrel very well and advertises his masculinity by shitting on himself.

Once again we do a quick jump back to R. Kelly’s house, only now he’s no longer referring to himself in the first person like he was before. We now know that his name is “Sylvester” (although Gwen did mention it before). What is cool is that Sylvester is actually R. Kelly’s middle name, so we can clearly see that this series has much to do with his real life.

When we jump back to the policeman’s house we see that he is about to rifle-butt the midget, something I had been yelling at R. Kelly to do in the second chapter. Only he’s stopped because now his wife has a gun. The two find themselves at a stand-still; each pointing the gun at one another. And once again, the midget handles the conflict by pulling out an inhaler and claiming that this isn’t “good for his heart.”

Right at the climax of everything, Sylvester and Tron bust up in the house (not surprisingly, with guns) and try to assess the situation. They find Bridget with a double-barreled shotgun, James with his police pistol, and the room smelling like crap. Luckily, the midget is there to resolve the confrontation, and does his best to sort everything out by fainting.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Ten: Inhalers are perfect for dealing with your heart problem.

Rhymes To Look For:
• Madness and Do with this
• Much for me and Crazy
• Tell me and Daddy

We finally learn the midget’s name, which I’m not sure to take as a joke or just assume is some crazy stripper name like Bubbles or Lexus. He’s called “Big Man,” and he works at the club Sylvester went to that night. Now since nothing eventful really happens until the end of this chapter, let me show you guys what’s about to happen. First, a quick recap:

First, Sylvester slept with Kathy, who was married to Rufus, who had a gay lover named Chuck. Sylvester then went home to his wife, Gwen, who had been sleeping with James. Sylvester and James fought, and wound up shooting Gwen’s brother, Tron, who had just gotten out of prison. After the conflict, James went home to his wife Bridget, who had been cheating on him with a midget. In the whole mess of things, Bridget called up Gwen and asked her to resolve the situation, who sent over Sylvester and Tron.

The reason I had to summarize this whole thing for you guys is because in chapter 11, James accidentally calls Sylvester and Tron “Chuck and Rufus,” making Sylvester suspicious. This little slip from James only leads us to believe that there are more plot twists we haven’t seen yet, and somehow James has ties to Rufus the pastor and Chuck his gay lover.

Also, let me recall you back to chapter 5 in which Sylvester was confronting Gwen about the man she had slept with. In this interrogation, Gwen mentions a girl named Tina, and then another girl named Roxanne. She says:

“Roxanne’s a friend of mine who know this guy named Chuck. Chuck’s cool with this guy named Rufus. Rufus’s wife Kathy, we both went to high school.”

DON’T YOU SEE IT?! James is tied to Chuck and Rufus through Kathy, who is best friends with Gwen!! OH MY GOD THE PLOT TWISTS ARE INCONCEIVABLE!!

Lastly, we find out that Bridget is pregnant with Big Man’s child, causing everyone to pause in disbelief—except Big Man, who shows his appreciation by fainting. Thankfully, we now know that Bridget isn’t actually a fat southern whore, she’s simply a pregnant southern whore.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Eleven: When faced with any news above the ordinary, midgets will faint.

Rhymes To Look For:
• Tell Ya and Room
• Club and Fuck
• Finished and Midget

Leave it to R. Kelly to leave us in such suspense. After telling us that Big Man is Bridget’s baby’s dad, we go back to the apartment where things all started. We pick up right after Sylvester left, and all of them are getting off the floor. Immediately, Kathy and Chuck start arguing, leading to one of the most emasculating cat-fights in history. Chuck pulls a knife, but then realizes that in order to fight he needs to first take off his earrings. After seeing this I can only think back to the first time I watched West Side Story in which two gangs clashed in a knife fight. Maybe that one guy would have won the rumble if he had only removed his earrings.

Rufus breaks up the fight before anything serious happens (i.e., Chuck has to take out his other earring) and they continue yelling at one another while the phone rings. If you listen, you’ll see that the ringing phone doesn’t sound like the normal ring, but instead sounds like R. Kelly going “BRRRRR.” Maybe they would have answered the call if they had recognized the ring. Thankfully, the second time the phone rings, it has a normal tone and Kathy picks it up. Gwen’s conversation is very complicated, partly because R. Kelly made a last second attempt to tie together the plot, but mainly because girl gossip is virtually untranslatable. But in the end, we find out that Kathy and Gwen are best friends, and that Kathy slept with her best friend’s husband.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Twelve: Never pick up the phone if it sounds like R. Kelly going “BRRRR”

Final conclusion:

At the end of 12 chapters, people pulled out guns nine times, and there were nine main characters, with mentions of Tina and Roxanne as secondary characters. I’ll probably end up doing another 5 or six chapters because I haven’t even watched them. Whenever I try to, the quality of the videos is so crappy I can’t put up with it. If someone can find me chapters 13-24 (or however many they’ve done) I’ll critique them and continue to entertain. And if this hasn’t entertained you, then I’m sorry for wasting your time. I’d love to write more, but I think I hear my phone ringing.

BRRRRR

One thing that I’ve wanted to talk about for a while is R. Kelly. But not about his rape charges, the pissing allegations, or how “The World’s Greatest” was the worst song of 2004, but about his Trapped In A Closet series, which he has continued to beat like a dead horse. I have made jokes about the series before, but today I am going to break it down for you—sort of a like a play-by-play, only without the sports, or the entertainment.

Normally, watching R. Kelly’s Trapped In A Closet will put a grown man to sleep, so I am going to amp up the excitement by providing rhymes to look for, catching you up to speed after each monotonous episode, and adding a lesson we can all learn from the chapter. As you watch, be on the look out for R. Kelly’s blatant disregard for rhyming, or even that he’s singing a song at all. His vocals fail to keep pace with the beat; there is not once a hook, chorus, or bridge; and the only time there’s a mentioning of a closet is during the first chapter, and then it all goes to hell. Oh sure, you’ll have questions, which I will enthusiastically answer at the end of all 12 chapters. So sit back, relax, and watch R. Kelly’s declining career.

Rhymes To Look For:
· Home and Long
· Clothes and Door
· Water and Oscar
· Solve it and Closet

The first chapter starts out strong with your stereotypical cheating scandal: the husband comes home early so the man has to hide. What I don’t agree upon is R. Kelly’s choice to hide in the closet, which—based upon the layout of the house—seems farthest from the door. Another odd thing is that the husband, upon hearing the cell phone ring, checks the closet last. I don’t know if this man has ever played an old-fashioned game of hide-and-go-seek, but clearly the closet is your number one hiding spot. It’s either you find them there, or they’ll never be found. Not only that, but R. Kelly said that the husband “opens the dresser,” looking for the man. There are two things wrong with that: 1) In the video, the man didn’t even open the dresser, and 2) no one ever hides in a dresser. Have you seen dressers?! No one is that small to fit in a dresser, and when hiding, no one wants to put forth that much effort to remain unseen. The only exception I can think of is when my brother and I were playing hide and go seek, my brother squeezed himself into the Tupperware cabinet we had, but had to come out after five minutes because the plastic was “giving him a rash.”

Another strange thing is that this woman would wear a wig while cheating on her husband. What, did she think that R. Kelly wouldn’t appreciate her pleasuring him if she didn’t have long brown hair? Maybe it’s custom for women to wear wings while going to clubs, I’m not sure.

Lastly, why is R. Kelly carrying a gun? He himself said that from the club he “went to her home” and “didn’t plan to stay that long.” He also suggests that he has a girlfriend/wife at home, which leads us to the inevitable question: at which point between going to the club, cheating on your wife, and going home to your wife, would you need to shoot someone? Luckily R. Kelly brought it because he’s going to need to shoot some wig-wearing hoes.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter One: When trying the find your wife’s gigolo, make sure to look in the dresser.

Rhymes To Look For:
· Mirror and Further
· Control and Known
· Closet and Hearted

In the second chapter, R. Kelly shows us how to earn yourself a one-way ticket to hell: sleep with the pastor’s wife. But what he doesn’t realize is that he has a gun, and when you have a gun, you use it to get yourself out of difficult situations. Take, for instance, the character Tony Montana in the movie Scarface. Tony used his guns for basically everything. Daily occurrences in his violent life (drug dealing, escaping busts, walking the dog, etc.) were so dangerous that he needed guns. R. Kelly, when 15 feet away from the door, can’t even use his weapon to leave an apartment! Rifle-butt those suckers and run!

If you watch the second chapter again, you can see the massive amounts of foreshadowing that appear in the scene. An example is how the pastor says “Well since we’re all coming out the closet, I’m not about to be the only one who’s broken hearted.” At first we think he’s saying that because he has a secret that will shock all of us. But later we see that he’s really a gay guy who “came out of the closet” to his wife. Seeing it a second time, it would have been less obvious if the pastor just yelled “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!” and then opened the door.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Two: It’s impossible to have a love triangle when one of the sides isn’t straight [Ba Zing].

Rhymes To Look For:
· Began and Minutes
· Talking and Question
· Crazy and Arguing

My main concern in this chapter is why R. Kelly doesn’t leave. During the chaos of Rufus, Chuck, and Kathy arguing, Kelly could have easily walked out the open door. No one would have stopped him either, unless they wanted to get shot. Instead, he decides to flail his gun around and shoot into the air. I just feel bad for the people living on the 6th floor who were awakened to a bullet rocketing out of their carpet.

Also, take a look at the lack of homosexuality in both gay men. One is wearing a blue button up over an orange shirt, while the other looks like he’s about to go golfing. Excuse me for stereotyping, but it would have been a lot easier to follow if both men looked like this.

To end the chapter, R. Kelly calls home to check up on his wife. Bad move. Anyone who has ever seen a movie knows that you never call home to check up on your wife. This gives her time to hide the evidence and clean up. Take it from the pastor who just barged into the front door, forcing his skank-wife to hide her lover in the closet. R. Kelly should have just stormed into his house with his gun flailing.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Three: Anyone can be gay, especially your pastor.

Rhymes To Look For:
· Believe this and Policeman
· Wrong and Zone
· Cramp and Snap

We’ve all been there: You’re trying to get home to murder your adulterine wife and her cheater when a dick-head cop shows up. Now you have built up rage and a $125 ticket!! Keep a mental note as to how the cop “flicks his cigarette,” it’ll come up in the next chapter and is more blatant foreshadowing.

Another concern of mine is the “shower scene.” At what point has one skinny woman taking a shower looked like a man and a woman kissing? All I know is that the woman had an amazing lie up her sleeve (like all great women do) and was able to get out of the situation only because R. Kelly is a gullible dumbass. But even a gullible dumbass is going to get pissed after having unprotected sex and then finding a condom. It really was careless of the woman to leave the rubber there, especially when she knew her husband was coming home and had time to clean up and shower.

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Four: Every time you accuse your wife of cheating, it will be alright if you accept her first alibi and then have dirty, dick-breaking sex.

Rhymes To Look For:
· Bed and Cigarettes
· No and Called
· Closer to her and Furniture
· Tina and Seen her

The first thing you notice in this chapter is the random bleeping of the swear words. It never happened before, and will never happen again, but in this chapter there must have been so much language that R. Kelly felt it necessary to censor it. Not only that, but the bleeps aren’t even your typical television censor bleeps. It’s literally R. Kelly going “BOOP.” Not only is this degrading and takes away from the seriousness of the scene, but it also means that R. Kelly had to record multiple takes of himself in the studio going “BOOP” into the microphone:

R. Kelly: DOOP

Producer: Not quite Kelly, that’s not the sound we’re looking for

R. Kelly: BLOOP!

Producer: No, keep trying, we’re almost there.

R. Kelly: BOOP!

Producer: GENIUS!!

R. Kelly also smells cigarettes, reflecting back onto the policeman who pulled him over. But before he finds that out, his wife sends him on this wild goose case, first asking him about Tina and then Roxanne. In the whole interrogation, there was more name dropping than a Ron Jeremy interview [Ba Zing].

Lesson We Can Learn From Chapter Five: Any policeman that pulls you over for speeding has slept with your wife.

Will R. Kelly find the policeman that stopped him? Will Kathy, Chuck, and Rufus resolve their problems? And will R. Kelly ever stop this dumbass series?! Find out next week as I continue to analyze these chapters to unlock hidden messages and secret symbols. Maybe then, we will truly figure out why R. Kelly is making so much BOOPing money.

In history class I’m learning about the first World War. The whole idea is pretty cool, especially how every country got involved and created a World-Wide Battle Royale. My history class is boring, so I’m hoping to summarize the war for you the way a comedy writer would: by discarding all rational facts and substituting them with bullshit.

I don’t really care about how the war started, why the war stared, or how it all ended. I’ve already taken notes on those things, and I’ve already taken the test; safely allowing me to forget that information forever. There are only two things about WWI that amuse me:

1. America saved the Allies asses at the end
2. Trench warfare was badass

If you’ve never heard of it, trench warfare is the coolest version of fighting since the Revolutionary War. Soldiers of each side would dig ditches in open areas across from another country, and spend days trying to drive the enemy out of their trench. But they wouldn’t just stand there with their thumb up their asses waiting for their opponents to move (with the exception of the French, who did everything with their thumb up their asses until 1965); they would alternate charger of one another’s trench. In these attacks, the soldiers would be running across open planes, called no man’s land. They decided to call it no man’s land because it sounded more appealing than STAY THE FUCK OFF OF THAT PIECE OF LAND. While sprinting across no man’s land, a soldier would have to dodge bullets and avoid bomb shells.

Just imagine it: you’re rushing across an open plain, the sound of bombshells echoing in your ears. Suddenly, an explosion next to you rips off your partner’s legs; his screams are silenced by the overpowering sound of machine gun fire. Another explosion sends shrapnel whizzing by your face and you feel a piercing pain in your gut as the metal tears through your skin like wet paper. You collapse to the ground; your lungs filling with blood and you’re slowing losing consciousness. Blackness creeps up from behind you and the last thing you see are your allies jumping over your body to continue the charge. No one is even helping you, and as you lay there dieing you can only think one thing: This is so bad ass.

Let’s face it, over the years war fighting has grown less and less cool. It all started with the Revolutionary War, in which men would stand in parallel lines, face each other, and—after closing their eyes and praying to God—fire a shot. Back then, your survival depended on one thing: luck. When all the smoke cleared, you would open your eyes, check your body for lethal wounds, and then go home and buy a lottery ticket. The reason the United States even won the war was because we pussied out and hid behind walls and trees.

Skipping the Civil War—I skip the civil war because until black people realize that millions of white men fought for African American rights and that they’re not actually, technically, legally, repressed anymore, there is no real point in recognizing the war—our next major battle is World War One. As I discussed before, these people would openly stampede across bare fields to their opponents in an attempt to drive their enemy back. Not only that, but the chemical mustard gas was used then. Mustard gas was invented by the Germans and was dropped by planes over enemy trenches. If soldiers didn’t put their gas masks on quick enough, the gas would get in their throat and leave an awful mustardy taste in their mouth. There were however, some ways to avoid and even counter the threat of mustard gas, the first one being to constantly carry around gas masks, and the other being—for some of the poorer countries—to carry around hot dogs. For historical reference, and also to give you, the reader, a clearer idea of how heroic trench warfare truly, was, here are a few people who fought in WWI:

The next major war was World War II. I haven’t covered it in history yet but here’s what I know about it:

1. It involved the Germans and some guy named Hitler
2. A bunch of people died
3. Jewish people didn’t win
4. America—once again—saved the Allies asses at the end

All I remember from about WWII was me sitting in history class with the infamous D-Young and trying to stay awake through Schindler’s List. What I do recall about WWII is that most of the fighting—or the cool parts, at least—happened with planes. These fighter planes were capable of twisting, turning, barrel-rolling, and, best of all, plummeting to the ground in a crumbled mass of flame.

The planes that were used in WWII were much different than the military planes we have today. Today, our planes can travel at 1,317 mph, fire heat-seeking missiles that can fire over 400 yards, have machine guns that can fire over 100 rounds a second, possess top of the line GPA navigation systems and communication lines, and have ejection seats in case of emergency. Pussies. The planes used in WWII had nothing but a propeller and a gun. Some didn’t even have wings! Pilots would have to peer out into the distance and look for a blurry dot that could potentially be the enemy. Finally, when two pilots located one another, they would hastily prepare for battle, ready their machine guns, buckle their seat beat, and then land to refuel. By the time most dogfighters found their enemy, a treaty was signed and the war was over. The Japanese were especially good at quickly locating their enemies because they had far superior equipment like, for example, binoculars.

The final war I’m going to cover is the War on Terror that has been going on for the past 7 years or so. This war certainly isn’t as major as the other ones because after 7 years America has only had about four casualties, but I feel it covers today’s military tactics. As a nation, America is proud to boast about its unprecedented military and special forces that rule over this world. We have machinery so advanced and weapons so powerful that any nation who dares challenge us will be blasted back to the Stone Age. For a quick synopsis, let’s look over some of today’s military weapons:

Knights Armament M4 MWS—Fires 900 rounds a minute with a 500 meter effective range. Has rapid fire and also a burst setting, and comes with components including various scopes, flashlights, target designators and grenade launcher.

Colt M4 Carbine—Already 10 years old, this rifle isn’t even used anymore despite the fact that is can fire 1,000 rounds a minute (166 a second)and has an accurate range of 600 meters. It only weights 7.5 pounds when fully loaded.

Barrett M107—This sniper’s rifle is going to soon be adopted by the U.S. military. It has a range of 2,000 meters, and is designed to take down some armored targets. The military has plans to further reduce the gun’s noise and flash upon firing, which seems pointless because no one will be able to see it from 2,000 meters away.

With technology so advanced like this, soldiers are able to escape danger altogether, and most wars are resolved without that much blood-shed. The lack of bravery and manliness now involved in combat is not only leading to our country being ridiculed for our pathetic divisions, but also preventing us from creating any amazing war movies of the past. Movies like Behind Enemy Lines and Saving Private Ryan brought the reality of harsh war-styles into the nation’s eyes. With today’s technology, we can’t produce war movies because it would mainly consist of grown men sitting around in the desert praying for some action, and no one wants to make a movie like that. Oh wait.

With today’s pussy “life-saving” technology opening up army enrollments to anyone who can sign a contract, here are the people who could fight in today’s military:

As much as I hate to say it, the manliest fighting style has to go to the Muslims. Even though they epitomize terror and fear, you have to give these guys props. They strap bombs on themselves, run into buildings, and just explode. There’s no pussy-footing around with “helmets” and “body armor,” they just do it. And if you think I’m racist for calling all Muslim’s suicide bombers, take this quick quiz:

Who is most likely to be a suicide bomber:

a) Muslim
b) Librarian
c) Child
d) Dog

Answer: All of them!!

That’s the beauty of suicide bombing: it goes back to the old school approach of recruiting. In the Revolutionary War, the solders were farmers, sailors, butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers. You became a soldier if you

1) Owned a gun
2) Bought a gun
3) Asked for a gun

Today, army recruits need to endure physical, mental and emotional tests. They are knocked down and built back up to ensure their strength. And that’s just before they enlist. Muslims, however, require only that you have a body capable of being strapped with C4, and that you scream “Praise Allah” before exploding. On the Bad Ass Scale? I’d give it a 9.5.

I predict a time in which military technology becomes so advanced that we have no need for soldiers. World leaders will simply sit at a large table and solve international conflicts with games like Stratego, War, and Monopoly (“Uh-Oh Germany, you have to go directly to jail. Do not pass GO, do not collect 200 dollars.”). In a time like that, you can find me sitting peacefully on my couch with all the men who would normally be in the line of fire. We’ll be watching Schindler’s List and eating hot dogs.

Will someone please pass the mustard gas?