Comedy Corner

Hey guys, I’m sorry for the lack up updates recently, but I got grounded AGAIN. This time it was for throwing a party at my dad’s house, and getting caught. As a result I’m grounded for one month (the grounding ends February 11th) with no cell phone, computer, or television, including being banned from soccer. Hopefully I’ll survive this grounding without putting a gun in my mouth, but there’s no way of telling.

Things I’ve started doing since I’ve been grounded:

1. Drawing. Yesterday I spend 3 hours drawing a well detailed picture I’ve had in my head of the devil standing in line to see the Vatican. It’s based off of my dad’s aggressive line-standing-in skill in which he managed to push, prod, and squeeze his way to the front of any line. Today I’ll probably draw another picture based off of my father, like a deadly car crash or a very serious explosion.
2. Reading. So far I’ve finished three books. I’m now reading Mystic River, which is also a movie, but since I’m banned from the TV, I have to rely upon text for entertainment. I can’t find any good books to read that involve the same things I enjoy in movies: mindless violence. If any of you have any good suggestions to books, please let me know.
3. Writing. Even though my dad has banned me from the computer, I still hand-write all my posts so that I can immediately provide you with quality entertainment when my punishment is over.
4. Dieing on the inside. Yesterday I found myself carrying out a full-fledged conversation with my dog. I’m losing my mind and slowly dieing. If anyone has any suggestions for entertainment, please let me know.

I’ll be back on February 11th to entertain the masses, and by then I’ll show you my art gallery.

Do you remember in a past post when I just covered a quick array of topics that crossed my mind? Well one of them was about me being on MTV’s Made after rap battling a classmate who wanted to get made into a rapper. Well just to let you guys know, the episode is airing on

I thought I was excited about the release date of my Z-List fame, but all my friends are going crazy. Some of them even watched the episode online before its release date, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to ruin the excitement of talking about it all day Saturday. Instead, I read the online summary of the episode in which they depicted Colin’s entire journey’s in the rapping world. And to my surprise, there was even something on me. Of course, no one would know that because the dumbass producers spelt my nickname “Boonie,” but the emphasis was there nonetheless. And, as if my image couldn’t possibly be greater, the paragraph that introduced me is as follows:

“The next day at school, the word is out… Colin wants to be a rapper. Boonie, the best rapper in school, calls out Colin for a rap battle. You guessed it, Colin gets shut out.”

The best rapper in the school
The best rapper in the school
The best rapper in the school

That’s got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? I’m considering changing my legal middle name to “The Best Rapper In The School.” Or maybe introducing myself: “Hi, I’m Boony, also known as the best rapper in the school.”

The funny thing is that all my friends are going to be upset, because now I have another reason to act so conceited and self-important. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m the best rapper in the school and they’re not.

Watch the episode Saturday 11th to get a real glimpse of the best rapper in the school. You might see Colin too, but only if you look through the aura of the best rapper in the school.

That’s me.

The best rapper in the school.

I don’t generally put my school writings on my website because a) I don’t want to bore you guys with my lame ass school projects, and b) I don’t do school projects. Up until this point I had only posted two other school projects, and that was because I had added humor to them in hopes that the jokes would distract my teachers from the lack of accurate information.  I posted up my 10th grade Science Report About Syphilis and my 11th grade History Test Essay.  But this one is different. This is a short story I wrote for my girlfriend because she wanted a good grade in her English class and couldn’t write properly to save her life. To give you an idea of my girlfriend’s writing ability, here is her last history report on William “Boss” Tweed:

William “Boss” Tweed was a very bad man. William “Boss” Tweed did very bad things that no one should do. Like murder, and jay-walking. One day William “Boss” Tweed wore a black shirt with brown pants, which everyone knows should be illegal. William “Boss” Tweed was a horrible man who did horrible things. Like jay-walking.”

In order to help out my loving girlfriend and because I like writing so much, I wrote her paper for her. She was given a month to write the assignment. I did it in two hours. For all you loyal readers out there who will see a new side of me, keep in mind that I was trying to write like a pussy-ass girl who believes in love and all that crap. If it was up to me, the short story would have been about a man getting tortured and the bullets slicing through his flesh as the pain shot through his body and he fought off unconsciousness. But enough about what a cool short story would have been like, let’s get back to my girlfriend’s.

Note To The Reader: For all the men reading this, feel free to cry and be evoked by this dramatic piece. It’s alright, we’re not going to make fun of you. And for all you guys who—after reading this—think I’m the biggest pussy to walk the earth, please read the next post about disrespecting women.

She awoke to his heartbeat. It was steady and soothing, like a drum beat securing her safety. His chest was warm, and his calming breaths only consoled her more. Slowly sitting up as not to disturb him, the cool beach breeze tickled her cheeks and waved her white dress wildly, making her smile and laugh to herself. The rhythmic waves splashed playfully onto shore, gripping for a spot of dry sand they could tickle before falling back into the ocean. Above, the clear blue sky was spotted with clouds, and looking onto the horizon showed the beauty in the future. She couldn’t believe how happy she was. As she stared down at her husband her stomach turned to butterflies.

After all these years, I still get butterflies.

She couldn’t stop thinking about him. How they met; what they did; when it happened. Thinking back only made her stomach flutter more. They had met in college—she was an undecided freshman there to party and he was a diligent learning business man. No one thought they would be together; no one believed in them. She didn’t care; she knew that she loved him from the beginning. They spent every moment together: walks in the park, shopping at malls, and staying up all night watching the stars. She chuckled to herself as to how cliché it sounded, but she knew it was perfect.

He proposed to her at the beach. This beach. The beach they would always go to watch the sunset; the beach they would always go to walk, to talk, to think. It was her favorite place in the world, and she was here with the man who had never stopped loving her. A second gust of wind jolted her from her memories and sent sand flying up towards her. She covered her face and laughed, looking down at her man. She kissed him on the neck and he opened his eyes.

“Good morning sleeping beauty,” she giggled, kissing him again.

“Speak for yourself,” he said, wiping his eyes in a joking disbelief. “Are you an angel? Am I in heaven?”

Here come the butterflies.

“Well we had better get going; I have to get ready before dinner.” It was there five year anniversary, and he was taking her to the most expensive restaurant in town. He had booked it two months in advance, paying top dollar for reservations. He had always taken care of her, promising her that if anything happened financially he wouldn’t let her suffer, and although he spoiled her, she knew it was all out of love.

As she rose, her slender body seemed to reflect the sunlight, and her threadlike shadow stretched across the sand. The wind blew her brown hair into a fluster of strings, but after the breeze died down it fell back into a straight, glistening shine. Glancing over she saw a family splashing in the water. She smiled and remembered back to her youth. She couldn’t remember any time when she wasn’t with him. Oh sure, she remembers back in 5th grade with Bill Thompson put gum in her hair and she had to go home early, but everyone has those memories. No true feelings were evoked until that one day she met him. She was at the college football game. Row 28, seat 3. She had never really understood football. Her father had tried to explain it to her but always gave up when she asked, “Why do they tackle each other? It’s so violent!” She had gone to the college game with her girlfriends. She had wanted to get a feel for the pride and honor so many people talked about, and she felt herself growing more involved as the game continued. At one point during the game she heard yelling and glimpsed up behind her. It was the first time she saw him.

Butterflies.

She introduced herself and they talked all game. He explained the rules, and laughed whenever she referred to their team as “The Red Guys.” He called her the next day, and the next day, and the next day. They talked on the phone every night and every morning. She met him for lunch on weekends, and they would do homework together. And of course they would fight like any couple, but one thing was always true: he would never stop loving her.

“Help me up baby.” His outstretched forearm was massive after years of working out. He had played football in high school but stopped in college after getting knee surgery. Every time he had to get off the couch or out of bed he would joke that he couldn’t do anything without her help and that his knee would be the death of him. Reaching out she gripped his hand and tugged.

“Kevin!!” she screamed as he yanked her down onto him, giving her a massive bear hug before tossing her off him. He hopped up, and his tight white shirt flapped in the steady breeze. Extending his arm, he pulled her up and gave her a delicate kiss on her cheek. Grasping her hand, they started to walk down the sandy trail towards the car.

Suddenly, a shout erupted from the distance. Glancing up from her sand covered feet, she saw the once merry family yelling frantically out into the water. A closer look showed two little girls flailing in distant waves. The riptide must have slowly dragged them out, and the waves were so big only their heads could be seen over the white foam.

“Kevin, look!” She pointed out towards the girls. Feeling the heart-wrenching anguish of the inevitable, she took another look at the family she felt so bad for. Scanning the rest of the beach, she saw no one else there to help and the girls were about 80 yards out. They were too young to fight the current, and the tide was only carrying them further out. Her feeling of grief was cut short when she felt Kevin let go of her hand. Turning, she saw him running towards the shore. Her heart dropped.

Oh God no.

“Baby no!” she grabbed for his arm and tried to stop him. He spun around and looked into her eyes. She was abruptly filled with fear—she had never seen this side of him. He was no longer the joking guy who always looked over her. He was filled with power; an unknown strength she didn’t know existed.

“Sweetie listen to me. I can save those girls.” She knew that she couldn’t stop him. Letting go of his hand she felt the cold wind blow through her body. He ran to the water’s edge. “I’ll be right back,” he yelled over his shoulder before diving into the waves. Crying, she watched in distress as he tore through the water. Every time he dove under she held her breath until he resurfaced. Painful seconds crawled past and she couldn’t bear to see him out there. She knew the water was cold, and even though he was a good swimmer it was impossible to keep up his pace. After a few minutes she could see him reach the girls, grab one of them and put her under his arm. Swimming even slower now, her torment grew as he pushed himself to arrive at the shore. The wind sliced through her body and a shutter swept down her spine.

Kevin arrived on the shore with the girl in his arms. She was spitting up water and her frigid body shook with algidity. The family had run across the beach to tend to their daughter, and as Kevin laid the child down he seemed to whisper something in her ear. Rising, he started back into the water, and she noticed his tender limp. She ran up to him and clutched his shoulder.

“Kevin stop it, there’s nothing you can do.” She couldn’t bare the torment of having him out there again.

“If I hurry I can save her.”

“But your knee—”

“My knee’s fine!”

“Baby please!” Tears formed in her eyes.

“I can’t talk now!” She knew no matter what she said she couldn’t change his mind. All of her efforts were useless, and the feeling of uncontrollable fate gripped her heart. She couldn’t stand to lose him, but fighting him was only making it worse. Words escaped her; and for a moment in time everything stood still. She moved her lips, but no words were coming out. Nothing would change the situation. Carefully, she stared into his eyes. The eyes that she had once lost herself in were now bloodshot with muscle and control. She gazed at his mouth and said the one thing she could think of.

“I love you.”

“I love you too baby, and I’ll be right back.”

He dove again into the water, kicking half as strong as he did before. She could see the exhaust engulf his body and he seemed to struggle for the surface. She couldn’t fight back the tears and collapsed on the ground. Scouring the water, she couldn’t see him. She scanned the waves again, but saw nothing. No white shirt. No little girl.

No Kevin.

Her worse nightmare had come true. He was gone. Tears streamed down her face and her cries were heart wrenching. Everything was lost. Everything she had lived for, everything she had loved; gone. Her arms gave way as she broke down and cried for was seemed like hours. The sand was stained with her tears. Her body felt like it was shutting down, unable to continue.

Suddenly, an arm touched her shoulder. Her head jolted up, and she found herself eye to eye with the young girl Kevin had brought to shore. Her face was beautiful and her long brown hair blew angelically in the wind. The girl’s touch was delicate and soft, and the sun formed an aura around her sparkling face.

“He talked to me.” The girl’s voice was soothing and calm. You would have never guessed of the traumatic drama that just unfolded upon her. “He wanted me to tell you something.”

“What are you talking about?” She felt her heart jump up into her throat, and she held back uncontrollable tears.

“The man you were with. He whispered something in my ear before he swam off.”

“What did he say?” She looked eagerly into the girl’s eyes, praying for a glimpse of hope.

“He said that if he doesn’t make it back, to tell you that—” the girl leaned down and whispered into her ear, “he’ll never stop loving you.”

Butterflies.  

Note To The Reader: For a person who wants to make a successful job in comedy, I highly suggest staying single. Staying single allows you to freely float throughout your life without having to worry about anything except your goals. There’s no worrying about what your girlfriend thinks of you; there’s no fretting over what signals you are sending towards other girls, and there’s no weekly jealous scandal to distract you from your objective. It’s just you and your ambitions. Unfortunately, I have a girlfriend now (a girlfriend who has a sense of humor, which is why I’m able to joke about her so much) so I can no longer talk about women the way I used to. However, I will still convey ideas that I deem pleasurable and beneficial to people who read this site, even if I can’t carry them out myself. For example, this is a post about how to “Man-Whore.” Like most posts, this one is another wing off of my High School Relationships article, so I suggest you at least skim through that one before reading this. The only difference with this edited post and the original one is that the original one started with an entire page criticizing the idea of a High School Relationship in contract to man whoring. If anything, this can be a lesson all of you that what I write in no way, shape, or form, reflects my life. Because there is so much to be learnt in the rules of man whoring, I am going to release only the first “chapter” of a series, including the introduction and how to get started.

In society, being a man whore can either be the most amazing thing in the world, or the worse sin committed, depending on whose eyes it’s seem through. In the eyes of a guy, man whoring is a tribute to manliness and is pictured as putting women in their place as well as an increase in masculinity. On the other hand, by women, man whoring is judged as the most despicable act performed. It demeans their entire race, portrays women as sex-slaves, and disrupts the equality that women had worked so hard to obtain. Let me put all rumors to rest right now by saying that, as a past man whore, I do not feel that the act of using women for sex is not what has publicly humiliated women, and I think you would all agree with me that I say that the cause of women’s public disgrace is solely the fault of Rosie O’Donnell.

In high school, having a relationship with someone is great. It is always good to know that no matter what you do and how bad you mess up, you can always have someone to fall back on, to trust, to care for, and who will be with you no matter what. Oh sure there’s drama, but a strong high school couple won’t let that bother them and will be happy for a very long time. Currently, my girlfriend and I are helping each other get in shape, do better in school, and deal with the pressure of college. I know that I have no intention of losing my girlfriend, and if she has any plans to leave me I’ll kill her.

The only downside of a relationship in high school is that you are tied down with one girl who tells you all about herself, and in a matter of 6 months you learn everything about her. Clearly everyone has a series of stories that they love to tell strangers, and they are normally fantastic ways to get to know one another, but in only a few months, when you’ve told every story you ever had an the only thing your partner doesn’t know about you is that one time you pooped in your church Christmas pageant, you find that you and your girlfriend/boyfriend have nothing interesting to talk about. After that, your conversations are like this:

Girl- Hey babe, what’s up?

Guy- Nothing much, I just got back from the gym and Peter and I are going out to Ana’s. How you doing?

Girl- I’m doing good. Jessica and I went to the mall and bought some shoes for her Sweet 16 and then Jessica fell down the stairs when we got back to her house.

Guy- Jessica is such a sped.

Girl- I know. Did I tell you that one time when we were walking our dogs?

Guy- Yeah you told me that.

Girl- Oh, well did you hear about the time we were at the movies?

Guy- Yeah you told me that too.

Girl- Well what about last Saturday when we were doing the laundry and—

Guy- You’ve basically told me every story concerning you and Jessica ever.

Thankfully, due to my ever-slumping memory and my girlfriend’s patience, she and I haven’t reached that point in our relationship yet. When we do, I suspect I’ll just stop talking to her and we’ll communicate through a series of orchestrated grunts.

What few people know is that in high school there is a raging furry of what scientists call “hormones.” Hormones are microscopic organisms that look like Dale Earnhardt and rush around your system in race cars. As they speed throughout your body, they trigger feelings called “sexual urges” that affect each person differently. For most men, sexual urges convey a feeling of wanting to be with every woman he sees regardless of who they are. Teachers, librarians, total strangers, and even some species of reindeer are all susceptible to a man’s sexual urges. Women also have sexual urges, but theirs only occur once every 3rd leap year, making them difficult to track. For a guy, one girlfriend may not be enough to satisfy all your sexual urges, and masturbation can result in health risks such as carpal tunnel, arthritis, and a very high On Demand Adult Movies bill. This, my friends, is where man whoring comes in.

Before I let forth secrets so shocking and sought after, let me say once again that I no longer do any of these acts due to my loving girlfriend that I don’t want to lose. However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t suggest you give this a shot because I know that there are some of you out there who want to be able to freely juggle women and get unfathomable amounts of ass. And even if you don’t, this list will help you at least pick up one girl, which is probably more than you’ve ever had before. I’m hoping the show you the ropes of how to figure out what women are thinking and how to use that to your advantage. Basically I’m being the teenage version of Mystery from The Pickup Artist, except I’m not a faggot. So here they are: The Rules to Man Whoring.

Before you go out and hit on hot chicks there are a few things you should work on.

1. Become hot. No one wants to talk to a disgusting pale kid with ache and clammy hands. Clean your face, lose weight, shave, and get a hair cut. This doesn’t mean you have to go to the gym every morning and cut back on chocolate and soda, it just means you have to pull yourself together and look somewhat attractive.

2. Become funny. When was the last time you had a good time with a kid who was stale and boring? Girls don’t want someone who can only talk about how many noobs you pwn on World of Warcraft (come to think of it, no one wants to talk to someone like that), so to built off your wit and general upbeat attitude. Even being romantic only worked during the 1800’s in Italy! Nowadays it doesn’t work out and will just end in your cheesy line being shot down or becoming an awkward silence. You’re not Romeo, so cut the crap.

What The Guy Thinks Will Happen:
Guy- Whenever I look in your eyes I become alive. You’re the part of me that I’m missing and without you I won’t be complete.

Girl- Kiss me you fool!!!

What Really Happens:
Guy- Whenever I look in your eyes I become alive. You’re the part of me that I’m missing and without you I won’t be complete.

Girl- Shut the fuck up you pussy.

Also, there are different kinds of funny. Girls love to be made fun of. They love to feel ditsy and clueless because they feel that it feeds into their angelic, I-have-no-idea-what’s-going-on-in-the-world-right-now personality. So when you point out something they did/said wrong and ridicule them for it, instead of being offended like a normal person would, they will giggle to themselves and touch your arm. Remember, when they touch your arm, do not start sweating.

At the same time, remember not to get too carried away with your comedy. If the girl is telling you a story, listen to the story. Don’t mock everything she says with that sarcastic, dick-face thing most guys do; don’t stare into her eyes and appear like a creepy stalker that analyzes everything she says, and don’t—under any circumstances—get caught looking at her chest. Unless her story ends with “And then I got two massive boobs that I want guys to drool over,” you should leave your chest-glances to a minimum; preferably when she’s leaning over to pick something up. If she has a story that relates to something you know, wait until she’s finished her story and then tell yours. Hopefully your story will be more compelling than hers, because chances are hers was about her girlfriend being a bitch and ditching her.

3. Have an easily accessible house. In the later parts of man whoring when you have a girl over, you don’t want to have her join you in a strenuous climb up Mount Olympia to get to your house. If possible, have your family move closer to where people live and not at the top of a hill. For example, my house is 4 minutes away from my school, so having girls over was extremely easy.

4. Get an idea of who you would want to get with. On the thumb scale—the universally understood method of rating people—if you are a thumb sideways, don’t go shooting for girls who are double thumbs’ up. Instead, go for maybe three thumbs diagonally up and one thumb’s up. Similarly, if you are a thumb’s up, don’t stoop to a thumb’s diagonally down. Remember, if you shoot for the stars, you might miss and bang yourself a semi-good-looking chick.

5. Get yourself an AIM screen name. In today’s day and age, everyone talks to one another through Instant Messages and having a screen name will enable you to “get in on the cool.” When selecting an AIM screen name, you can base yours off of many outlines the public uses. Here are a few ideas:

• The “First Name Initial, Last Name, Number” Screen Name. This sn is exactly what it seems: the first letter of your first name followed by your last name, followed by a number. The creativity obviously comes from the number, as it could be your sports number, your year of graduation, or a random compilation of your favorite digits. Examples:

-cnorris45
-abaldwin09
-sdogg32

• The “Nickname, Number” Screen Name. Statistically, 62% of high schoolers have nicknames. Not only do nicknames make the person appear younger and childish, they also allow for fantastic screen names. My first screen name, for instance, was boonyb37, and my second one was bizzoony45.

• The “Quote From A Movie/Song” Screen Name. This is the only screen name you can have that doesn’t need to be followed by an array of numbers. My friend made his screen name from a My Chemical Romance song, and another one took hers from a Dave Matthews Band song title. If you feel that a song title truly portrays who you are, I suggest this type of screen name. Examples:

-iLoveRock&Roll
-WeAllLiveInAYellowSubmarine
-HappyBirthdayToYou

Keep in mind that an AIM screen name can be any creative thing you want it to be, provided you follow it with a spew of random numbers that no one else in the world could think of. Also, avoid forming your screen name around an inside joke, or anything with the phrase “Irish Pride” in it.

Once you have successfully prepared for man whoring, you can get ready to fulfill your wildest fantasies and get all the women you’ve ever wanted. Keep in mind, though, that it will take brains, balls, and determination to pull off this risky way of living. Many people say that I had it easy when I was man whoring and that I was the luckiest kid in the world for being able to get all the girls I ever wanted. Little did they know how much work it took and how much of my time was taken up by all the girls. The only reason I put up with it is because I believe every man should man whore at least once in his life. After all, who the hell wants to be tied down to a lame ass girlfriend?! (Baby if you’re reading this, I love you and I promise to buy you a Tiffany’s necklace if you don’t get mad)

In the beginning, there was Adam and Eve. And Eve was a whore, so Adam slept with her and had thousands of children. But that wasn’t just it. Adam didn’t just walk up to Eve, hook up with her, and then bounce. There was a massive middle-ground that consisted of cheesy pickup lines, lies, fake promises, and false impressions. Essentially, Adam was macing the shit out of Eve. Let’s start from the beginning:

The Ice Breaker

Possibly the hardest thing about getting with girls is first breaking the ice with them and finding something to talk about. You can’t just walk up to a girl and try to talk with her—most guys can’t even walk up to a girl without breathing heavily. You need to establish common ground that both you and the girl can relate to. Here are some examples:

Example 1: The girl is in your math class: Ask what the homework was, then say that you don’t understand anything the teacher is talking about, then say that this year is really hard for you, and then ask her how her year is going. This is how the conversation will most likely turn out:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: hey, do you know what the math homework was?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: yeah it was pages 37 numbers 15-32.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: thanks, this year is really hard for me. I don’t understand anything Mr. D is talking about

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Yaa me neither. I just draw stuff in my notebook and do my other homework

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: same here, this year is really hard for me because im taking all honors classes plus I have soccer every day after school

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: me too except im doing cheerleading

NOTE: This is not the appropriate time to say that cheerleading is not a sport. Everyone knows that it isn’t a sport, and you can inform the girl about that later.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: yeah it sucks that i only have like two hours to do my homework until i go to sleep. who do you have for history?

This conversation will continue and later on digress to who she has for every class, what she thinks about those teachers, what she does after school, and what her future plans are.

Example 2: You hung out with the girl and met her through another one of your friends when you all went to a party/sports event/movie. You didn’t get to really talk to the girl but you thought she was damn fine and got the impression that she would hand out. A day or two after hanging out with her, ask her what’s up, how she knows the person you met her through, and how she’s been. If she’s cooperating, go onto ask about the basics of school. This is how the conversation will most likely turn out:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: hey its Ryan from saturday night

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: hey whats up

NOTE: Just because a girl asks “What’s up” doesn’t mean she likes you. The person receiving the IM is obligated to ask “What’s up” even if the person talking to them is the scum of the earth. More on finding out whether a girl truly connects with you or not later.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: nothing much you?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: just chilling

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: that’s cool. R was just wondering how you knew Amanda

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Amanda and I went to preschool together and were best friends until I moved

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: haha that’s funny because I met Amanda when I moved to her school in 4th grade. But you still go to the high school, right?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Haha ya, I just went to a different elementary school

NOTE: Now is not a good time to discuss Elementary School politics. Every guy knows that their elementary school was the best at kickball, football, and baseball, but girls don’t give a rat’s ass about that. Besides, we all know that my school could have destroyed your school at kickball.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I think I’ve seen you around the high school, I just didn’t know who you were. What classes do you take?

This conversation will continue the same way the first example would: about school.

Example 3: You just want to talk to the girl with whom no relation at all. I wanted to put this up here partly as a learning session, but more to brag to you about how skilled I am at handling women. This is the ice-breaker I used to get my girlfriend 8 months ago, and we still joke about it today because it was so cheesy and horrible. That doesn’t matter though, because all the ice-breaker does is allow you to get your foot in the door without awkwardly asking a person you never talk to “Hey, how’s it hanging?”

If you never speak to the girl but you think you stand a chance with her, you might just want to ask a random question that you think she’ll either know the answer to, or something that will allow you to joke about and build off of. For example, I knew that my girlfriend thought that I was hot before I threw in my ice breaker, which gave me the confidence that no matter what I said, she would respond in somewhat of a positive way, which is why our conversation went like this (I am not making this up either, this was actually our conversation):

RandyQuenchVFM: Hey, do you know another word for “friendship”?

BoonysGirlfriend247: Umm no, sorry

RandyQuenchVFM: Haha, don’t worry this isn’t a cheesy pickup line, (NOTE: It was) I’m just writing a comedy post and I can’t think of another word for friendship other than “togetherness”

BoonysGirlfriend247: I don’t know any, I’m sorry. Did you try thesaurus.com?

RandyQuenchVFM: Yeah I tried that but it didn’t give me anything good. It’s alright I’ll just use togetherness, sorry for bothering you.

BoonysGirlfriend247: no problem

RandyQuenchVFM: How have you been lately? I haven’t talked to you in forever.

The conversation continued to her boyfriend breaking up with her, to the awkwardness between them, how it affected her in school, to how school went. When attempting to get a girl with this type of ice-breaker, be original but not too creative. No girl is going to talk to a guy who starts off a conversation with “Does it sometimes hurt when you poop?” Also, if this is a person you used to talk to but haven’t in a while due to you guys drifting apart, one of you being in a relationship, or her telling you to never speak to her again, inform her that you’ve been asking a bunch of people on your buddy list and no one has been a help. Just be sure that no matter what the conversation starts out as, it always drifts into the topic of school. School is a very easy subject to talk about mainly because each kid spends six hours in school a day, five days a week. Not only that, but every kid can connect with the talk of school, and most people share the same views as to how much their teachers hate them.

While talking about school (which is ideally what you want the conversation to lead to), some key points to talk about are how hard your classes are, how you don’t do homework, different cheating tactics, and how much your teachers hate you. Depending on what happens, you should mean to end the conversation by pretending to have a fake chore (“My mom wants me to help cook dinner” or “My sister needs help with her homework”) and say that you’ll talk to the person later. Also remember to not make up random family members, as you could be in trouble when the girl comes over and finds out that you don’t have 4 brothers and 3 sisters.

Another thing that most men struggle with is when to talk to the girl next after meeting her. Some people say that there’s a three day rule or a one day rule or that you play hard to get and make her contact you. These are all wrong, and if you want to appear as a guy with interest but not too much interest, you should wait two days before you talk to her next. This is the chance you use to relay off the hidden signals the girl sends you. It’s sort of like body language, but since you’re too much of a pussy to talk to the girl face to face you need to pick up on things she says online.

One of the first things you should see is if she’s asking you questions in response to yours. If you find yourself pulling teeth in order to continue the conversation, you should probably find yourself a fake chore (“Oh sorry I gotta go, my mom needs me to bring the groceries in”) and end the conversation. However, if you see that she’s responding in multiple sentences and actually talking to you instead of just answering your questions, then you might find yourself getting lucky.

Good Conversation:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Hey, how’s it going?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Good, you?

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I just finished my homework and now I’m exhausted

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Haha yeah I had a lot of homework too

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I didn’t even have a lot, I just watched TV for a few hours and I was already tired when I started it.

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Oh that sucks, I do my homework right when I get home from school. It kinda just lets me get it out of the way and then I have the rest of the night to do whatever I want, ya know?

Bad Conversation:

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Hey, how’s it going?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Good, you?

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: I just finished my homework and now I’m exhausted

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Yeah me too.

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Plus I’m about the watch the baseball game, but I can’t until my English essay is finished

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: That sucks

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Do you watch baseball?

xOxLiiTtLePriiNcezZaNGeL369x: Not really

GuyWhoSweatsWenGirlzTalk2Him: Oh sorry I gotta go, my mom needs me to bring the groceries in.

You can see that if the girl answers in short statements, she’s intentionally preventing you from casually continuing the conversation. If you scroll back up, you’ll notice that after my ice-breaker, my girlfriend asked if I had looked at thesaurus.com. This was a hint that she was in the mood for talking and wanted to talk to me, which is why I carried on. While talking to the girl, you’ll probably get a hint of whether she really wants to talk to you or not. If she doesn’t, then simply end the conversation and try again in another two days. If you still get the feeling that she would rather stab herself to death than talk about school with you, drop her and try for another girl.

After a while, you and the girl will continue talking, which means you’ll end up having to progress past the focus of school. This also gives you practice on avoiding become one-dimensional, and you will be able to lead conversations into things other than school when you first talk to a girl. However, not all girls talk about the same things guys talk about. Girls aren’t going to want to talk for hours and hours about how the referees weren’t at fault for Miami losing the 2003 Fiesta Bowl. You need to stick to basic things that most people can agree upon. Here are some ideas:

Sports: You can talk about sports you played when you were little, why you quit them, and funny stories that happened when you were playing them. Also, past sports stories are the easiest to make up. How is your girlfriend going to find out that you actually didn’t travel to the U.S. Junior Olympics and dislocate your knee in a game against Sweden? Also, this is a time to jokingly say that cheerleading isn’t a sport. Even though it’s really not and every chick that thinks that it takes skill to say “Let’s give a cheer for the lions!” should be punched in the face, you can’t get into a fight with the girl this soon. Just joke with her about it and then drop it. There is an endless amount of material to talk about in the category of sports.

Jobs And Money: In high school, kids start getting jobs, and kids that don’t start getting jobs start talking to girls about it. A simple “I need a job soooo bad” or “I am dead broke” will spark an entire conversation about job opportunities and how shitty jobs are. Talk about what you’re thinking about applying to, what jobs you used to have, why you quit that job, and all that stuff. Also, you have to remember to listen when she talks about her job. Ask questions. Act interested. We know you’re not, but still.

Going To The Gym: All girls think they’re fat, and you could probably get in better shape yourself, so talk about it.  Just make sure to never agree with a girl when she says that she’s fat.  The best response is “I’m going to get mad the next time you call yourself fat” or “you’re fine, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  Things like this just make it seem like you care, and the girls will think they’re whales no matter what you say.

Divorce: From the years 1992 to 2000, the divorce rate was at an average of 45%. This means that there is a 45% chance that this girl’s parents are divorced, and she’ll probably want to talk about it. But ONLY if your parents are divorced too; that’s the rule. No one wants to share their innermost thoughts about a traumatic experience in their life if they don’t have someone who felt the same way. My girlfriend and I still talk about our parents’ separation, and we help each other through things as we talk. If you’ve been talking to this girl long enough and you feel that she trusts you, maybe fake that the divorce has hurt you and talk to her about it. It brings people closer together, and that’s what you want.

You can be definitely sure that the girl is into you when she starts initiating the conversation and you don’t have to start it. Even though this may seem like a small thing, it plays a major role because then you can be sure that she enjoys talking to you. Her initiation may not come until the 7th or 8th conversation, but it means something big. Also, be on the look out for her waving, smiling, or making note of your presence in the hallways at school. Just make sure not to look like a faggot jumping and waving at her while she walks right by you.

Talking to girls online works for a while, and text-messaging can eventually come into play, but ultimately you’ve going to have to call this girl. This call could and should be something very short, and I suggest you don’t call her while she’s with other people. Maybe you’re walking home from school and you need to kill 15 minutes. Maybe you’re getting a haircut and you don’t want to look like a fool walking alone. And even though these are prime opportunities to call her, I suggest you do it at night alone in your room. Give her a call and say that you’ve been thinking about her (which you haven’t) and wanted to see what she’s doing. You’ll notice that it is much harder to carry out a conversation over the phone than online, and that the pauses you take to form a funny sentence on AIM turn into long awkward silences on the phone. Even though these happen, just a simple “so what have you been doing today?” or “how was school?” gets the ball rolling again. When you feel that you’ve made your impression that you care, you can pretend that your dad needs you to set the table for dinner or that he’s kicking you off the phone to start your homework. Even though you may have only talked to her for 20 minutes, you’ve broken another layer of ice because now you can call her whenever. However, I still suggest that the two day rule comes into play, and eventually this will turn into three or four days depending on how many girls you get.

This concludes the first chapter on how to successfully man whore. In case you haven’t already noticed, the first stages are very similar to how you get a girlfriend, only we’re going to get four or five. At the prime of my man whoring days, I had 7 different girls I was getting with, each with their own rank and schedule. You’ll learn more about ranks and schedules in the next article, but as for now, here are some things to remember:

Things To Remember:

1. The Ice Breaker is a very important and needs to be original and creative, but also believable
2. Talk about general things that you both agree upon, but also get personal and learn stuff about her. Keep in mind that you want her to like you to the point where she’ll hook up with you
3. Try not to go after girls that are prudes and will do nothing. Girls younger than you will gladly hook up with an older kid, so wield that as a weapon.
4. Never, EVER, give a girl the satisfaction of thinking that cheerleading is actually a sport.

I hope you enjoy what you’ve read so far and will come back to read more. And if you disagree with anything you’ve read here, I will gladly settle this in a game of Elementary School kickball.