Comedy Corner

I’ve wanted to write a post on this guy for a while, and the only way I can fulfill my hatred towards this character is by calling him a douche bag. Why? Because he is. He is notorious throughout America for guilting, embarrassing, and antagonizing criminals across the world. Some say that he’s just doing his job; I say he’s being a douche.

We know him as Chris Hanson. Sexual Predators throughout America know him as Satan. His show, To Catch A Predator, has opened America’s eyes to a hidden danger: There are men in this world who actually enjoy sex.  His job is like any other middle-class man’s: expose sexual predators in an area and broadcast their face across public television. To him, a day of work consists of tricking, interrogating, and arresting pedophiles; injecting fear into a nation by telling them that the pedophiles arrested were priests, firemen, and principals; and going home to sleep like a log.

But the fact that Chris catches these criminals is not what makes him a douche bag. In fact, I’d say it makes him a national hero! He’s ridding the world of pedophilic scum and making America a safer place to live! It is simply the way he rids to world of pedophilic scum that makes him such an asshole. First, they trick the predator into showing up by presenting him with the one thing no man can turn down: a hot and horny 13-year-old. I partially feel bad for the guy as I watch him get relentlessly played by the world’s biggest flirt:

BigStrongChief2000: Have you ever tried doggy style?

Heer4DaPicking: no but i hear its really hot

BigStrongChief2000: We’ll have to do that then. But I don’t think this is a very good idea. You’re only 13 years old and I’m 42. Plus there are people out there who are searching for scandals like this. I’m a 5th grade teacher too, I can’t have people thinking that I’m some huge threat to society.

Heer4DaPicking: oh no really its fine. And besides my body is all sweaty and covered in honey

BigStrongChief2000: Okay, if you’re sure that we can’t get caught and broadcast on public television, I’ll be over around 7.

Heer4DaPicking: good bcz im all alone and my massive breasts are popping out of my skimpy shirt

BigStrongChief2000: Alright I’ve already agreed to meet you.

Heer4DaPicking: ohhhh im licking whipped cream off my warm chest

The sad thing about the conversations these old men have with the suspected 14-year-old girl is that I’ve had those exact conversations with girls. Every guy knows that I’m talking about. You have some girl who thinks it’s amusing to toy with guys so she tries whatever she can to get you going. Fortunately, there’s no show called To Catch A Horny High Schooler, so for now the only people in trouble are the older creeps hitting on teenagers.

Once the predators get to the house, they are usually lured in by a girl who quickly ducks behind a curtain while the man waits in the kitchen. Then, out of the depths of hell comes every pedophile’s worst nightmare:

Chris Hansen. I really have no words to describe this man other than “slimy.” He seems to slither across the room and immediately take control of the situation—kind of like an army sergeant but with a vagina. The predator immediately tenses up and realizes he’s been tricked. Instead of having hot and horny sex with a 15-year-old girl, he is now a wanted felon in multiple states and will forever be a sex offender. Plus—as if things couldn’t get worse—tomorrow’s Monday.

After an hour of sitting here trying to think of how to reenact the conversation that goes on between the Chris Hansen and the predator, I couldn’t do it. So I did what every creative comedy writer would do when he finds himself at a lack of words: I found a youtube clip of it! Here is a prime example of how Chris Hansen is a complete dick to the guy. Please pause at 6:11 so I can prepare you for what else you’ll see in the video.

You’ll see that at 6:11 Chris prepares the “manuscripts,” which is a big FBI word for “a sheet that has every little bit of nasty shit you ever said to that girl about sex.” Chris does not tell the guy that he has these papers, and instead lets him perjure himself into a pit of lies before whipping out the truth. Imagine if every single thing you said was written down and annotated before you were confronted about a wrongdoing. I can’t help but feel sorry for these guys as Chris mercilessly reviews the things the pedophiles said to these girls.

As you continue to watch, you’ll see that Chris then continues to interrogate the man, smashing at his conscious and filling him with guilt. Make sure to pay attention at 3:42 where, even though the pedophile put his hands on his head and stopped running, the police officer tazered the shit outta him.

So congratulations Chris Hanson, for being not only the best at your job, but being the biggest douche bag in the world. I wouldn’t be surprised if half the assholes you throw in jail come back to kill you because of what you did to them. I would love to stay and talk more shit about you, but some hot 15-year-old is smearing honey on her chest.