Comedy Corner

Okay, I’ve been delaying on writing a post for a while, and I did write a Christmas post that was hilarious but I left it in my locker and haven’t been able to retrieve it over the break. So instead, my Christmas post will be the next post I release (meaning that it will most likely come out in late October) and I will publish a post about shows of television. Mainly, how shitty American television has gotten.

First let me start off with a chart displaying the sheer lack of ideas television has, specifically the teen-targeted show Vh1:

You’ll see that over the past few years every show on Vh1 has evolved from another, caused by a massive shortage of creativity, originality, and giving-a-shit-ity. I feel bad for the other programs that have to actually work to think up new plotlines and show ideas, whereas Vh1 just bullshits their efforts and bases new crappy shows off their old crappy shows. And if you think that I just analyzed one model from Vh1, here’s another, less intricate, example:

Let me also remind you that Adrianne Curry came from America’s Next Top Model, another Vh1 show. In addition, we tend to see a pattern of all these crappy shows evolving from The Surreal Life; as we can also see in The Salt N Peppa Show premiering after Peppa was on The Surreal Life. The only way I can see this horrible cycle from stopping is eliminating The Surreal Life series, or just shutting down Vh1 all together.

But this sequence of shows building off one another doesn’t just happen on Vh1, it also happens on MTV. MTV—which once stood for “Music Television”, but now stands for “The Worst Shows On Television”—did a similar pattern when they had The Hills based off of a character from Laguna Beach moving.

And since we’re on the subject of MTV, let me talk about how sick of “Reality TV” I am. MTV was once a show that played nothing but music videos. That was less than 5 years ago. Now all they broadcast is shows of spoiled rich kids getting richer and more spoiled. It’s crap, and I don’t watch it. No one should. The only show I watch on MTV is MADE, and that’s because I’m going to be on it.

My next concern is this show Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? This series on FOX is where they take regular people and quiz them on questions they would have learned in elementary school. Maybe it’s because 5th grade was only six years ago, but I find this show to be an excuse to make people look brainless. To confirm my point, I will remind you that the show is hosted by Jeff Foxworthy, a man notorious for pointing out people’s stupidity. A series with a background like that can only lead to people messing up simple questions and being humiliated of national television:

Jeff: Alright folks today on our show we have Dr. Theodore Madison. He’s 45 years old, has a Doctor’s Degree in Pre-Med and Psychology, and graduated at the top of his class at Brown. In his spare time he enjoys doing crossword puzzles, sudoku, and reading Shakespeare. How are you Teddy?

Teddy: I’m doing well Jeff, and it’s great to be here.

Jeff: And going up against Ted will be little Henry James, age 11. He is a 5th grader at Lincoln Elementary School and his favorite activity is coloring and Four Square, and in his spare time he calls Susie a poop-face. After the commercial these two fierce competitors will go head-to-head to see is Ted is truly smarter than a fifth grader.

25 minutes later . . .

Jeff: Howdy folks, and welcome back. After a tough competition these two opponents have tested their knowledge to it’s fullest, but the winner is little Henry James with a score of 125. In second place is Dr. Theodore Madison with negative 275 points. God bless you for trying Ted, and better luck next time. Henry, is there anything you would like to say to the people that are watching?

Henry: I like turtles.

Jeff: Me too Henry, me too.

Let me tell you what I learned in 5th grade. I learned that Ferdinand Magellan was the first man to sail around the earth, how to conjugate the verb “am,” and—as an extra hard twist to challenge the mentally experienced—long division. In fact, I think that the curriculum I learned in 5th grade is the material I remember more than anything else I’ve learned, and that I use it more than any of the crap I’ve been force-fed in high school. The idea that full-grown adults are unable to remember the information either means that a) they were less educated than us, or b) I will forget everything I ever learned in elementary school once I get into a brain-washing job. All I can say is that I remember the introduction to the Constitution and you don’t. Who’s Generation X now you sons of bitches!?! HA!

That’s all I have to say for now, partly because I’m not watching TV so there’s nothing else to spark my memory, and partly because it’s 2:30 in the morning and I want to go to bed. I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and I promise that one of the upcoming posts will be about Christmas. Hell, maybe I’ll just make a post based off of this one, and then release one the links to that one. In time my website will be a chain of shitty ass posts that all connect back to this one. I’ll make a chart for you: here.

I believe one of the greatest posts I’ve written on this site was my piece on High School Relationships. In the article, I said what every high school student was thinking and put it into writing, making it true and funny. And because I had so much to say about the vast subject of HSRs, I split the post into the chapters and published the first half. As of this point, the second half of the article is diligently written in my 10th grade history notebook. Half of it is typed on my computer, but the editing process is so severe and scrutinizing that it may have taken another month before it got published. Unfortunately, the release of High School Relationships Chapter II will have to be delayed even further due to something so bizarre, so unexpected, and so surprising that it will take the entire world by surprise . . .

I have a girlfriend. I was tricked into getting one really, but I’m glad I have one. And now that I have a woman in my life—other than my mom, who also reads this blog so I have to say I love her—I can no longer disrespect women and act like a cock son-of-a-bitch.

Oh wait, yes I can, because I have a girlfriend. The best part about having a girlfriend is you know that no matter how ignorant, conceited, or arrogant you act, she has to love you; otherwise you won’t buy her shit. The first thing you’ll learn if you get tricked into a relationship is that you will be spending three times the amount of money you used to. Money that would normally be spent on important things such as food, clothes, marijuana, etc. is instead frittered away on gifts. Stupid gifts. Loving gifts. And not just the cliché “I-love-you” gifts that you buy your girl friends on their birthday (chocolates, teddy bears, marijuana, etc.) I have to buy real gifts of things she wants. Movies, clothing, jewelry, anything. I know a friend who is buying his girlfriend of two year a Wii. Yes, you heard me, a Nintendo Wii. My mother won’t buy me a Wii. I figure if I date this girl long enough I’ll just end up handing her money whenever she wants. I have to, she’s my girlfriend.

So what do two lovers do now that they are happily united in holy matrimony; to care for one another in sickness and in health; forsaking all others, and keeping only unto each other as long as they both shall live? Why, they do what any other high school couple does when they have the chance to be together: suck each other’s faces off.

Nothing displays the love between two high schoolers like seeing them play tonsil hockey for hours upon end, taking quick breaks only to re-hydrate and powernap. Most high schoolers have no care where they make out as long as they can make out. Lunchrooms, couches, hallways, bathrooms, and bus stops are all filled with couple smacking tongues before they part from one another. The guy, of course, could care less as to who sees them hooking up and would openly mount his girlfriend in public is she wasn’t scared of being labeled as a whore.

GIRLS DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH OR YOUR UTERIS WILL FALL OUT ON THE GROUND AND RUN AWAY. THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IS ONLY FOR THE EYES OF MEN WHO WILL LATER RUN THIS GOVERNMENT. YOU ARE NOT HILLARY CLINTON AND THEREFORE HAVE NO REASON TO BE READING THIS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to. Okay I think the girls are gone. Here is a hint for all of you who want to get your girlfriend to hook up with you when she doesn’t want to. Most girls are scared of being labeled whores because other girls will see her and spread rumors. If you read the original chapter of High School Relationships or ever stepped into middle school you’d understand better, but the point is that sometimes the thought of rumors prevents girls from doing sexual things you want. In order to overcome this obstacle, which has affected me for a long time, simply call your girlfriend a wet blanket. This will throw her off and make her start thinking she’s a prude, tempting her to hook up with you. Calling her a wet blanket, party pooper, or—my personal favorite—the fun police will seriously increase your chances of getting what you want. And just remember, it’s not rape if you’re simply manipulating her mind. Alright, I had better get back to the Declaration of Independence. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Another thing you will find very different when you get a girlfriend is how much is affects your social life. Generally, your girlfriend is not friends with your friends, and you act much different around her than you do your friends, preventing the two groups from ever meeting. Because of this, you’ll end up blowing off your friends much more to hang out with your girl, making them question you and even get angry. You needn’t worry about them, because they know that since you have a girl, you are obligated to chill with her as much as you can. For instance, my girlfriend and I spend every Friday together, and this Sunday we’re going to a movie. Oh sure, that may mean that I can’t go sledding with my friends or get shitfaced, but that’s a sacrifice I’m making in order to get morbid amounts of ass.

One of the main reasons your social life gets cut down is also due to the girl friends you had before you started dating. I, for example, used to hook up with half a dozen girls at one time, (this is fully explained in the High School Relationships post, in case you’re still putting off reading that), but when I got a girlfriend that all stopped suddenly. The only problem now is that I’m not allowed to hang out with any of those girls without first checking with my girlfriend, making sure she’s completely alright with it, and promising her that I’ll behave myself. This is because your girlfriend’s number one concern when you guys are going out is that you are going to cheat on her.

According to British scientists, girls are not born with the thought that their boyfriends are going to cheat on them. Even through ages 10 and 11 the girls are still unaware of the word “cheating” and believe that boys can be loyal and caring. It’s around the middle school age that girls start watching movies like Mean Girls, and John Tucker Must Die and shows like Cheaters and Jerry Springer. Within a matter of months, girls’ options about guys change so drastically that the mere image of a man can induce vomiting. It is at that point that no girl will ever trust a man, and think that their boyfriends will cheat on them.

It is because girls are so doubtful towards their boyfriends that guys like me are forced to cut off all social strings with friends. And the worst part is that I have to. Why, you ask? Because I love her? Because I’m scared of losing her and wouldn’t be able to live without her? Because if she thinks that I’m cheating she won’t trust me and we won’t be happy together? HELL NO!!! Because my girlfriend is the only person who will touch me. If I upset her, she will go into one of those “no-ass-until-you-love-me” fits, and we all know how that ends: suicide.

The rules of cheating are simple when it comes to having a girlfriend: don’t do it. Don’t even think about doing it. In fact, when you have a girlfriend you’re not even allowed to speak about other girls. I once called a friend of ours “bootylicious” and it wound up with me getting the silent treatment for 15 minutes. Speaking of another girl’s looks gives other girls the impression that you want to sleep with that girl—which is of course, true—and plays right back into the trust factor. Point in case: don’t even look at another girl while you’re with your girlfriend. Also, kiss your social life goodbye.  For more on how to cheat and why cheating is the worst thing to do, click here.

As for now that’s all the advice I can give you towards having a girlfriend, but you can be sure that I’m going to post more about the experiences me and my woman share as we progress through life together. Even though I talk negatively about having a girlfriend, I highly suggest getting one. It will increase your esteem, brighten your day, and empty your wallet. And even though I slander her and make fun, I want my girlfriend to know that I love her and will do anything for her. Even if she is a wet blanket.

In this busy life of comedy writing, I hardly have time to think. My work swallows up a large part of my life; time I could be spending doing productive things like, for example, masturbating. Writing comedy is difficult because I feel that I’m restricted to one subject. And in that one subject I must depict and analyze little points that make the subject funny. This process is very tedious and results in Carpal Tunnel, writer’s block, and me giving up to play Halo. To give you a better idea of how strenuous it is to compose the weekly articles I produce, I will walk you through my writing process.

First, I start with a vast theme that I hope people know about. I made that my title:

POOP

Next, I make smaller sub-topics under this title. These usually connect to the title, and assemble the body paragraphs:

POOP
• Smells
• Usually brown
• Sometimes hurts

After that, I break down the bullets into smaller subjects that will make up the paragraphs. This is where the work gets especially controversial because I need to appeal to a vast audience and provide a range of comedy. To make sure all my facts are straight, I rely upon trustworthy sources with genuine facts that no one could ever tamper with: Wikipedia.

POOP
• Smells
o Bad
• Usually brown
o Light brown
o Dark Brown
• Sometimes hurts
o Makes you cry
o Child Birth
o Sometimes doesn’t hurt

This outline is later turned into a Class-A article filled with crude humor, disgusting pictures, and—on the rare occasion that I have extra time—a joke about diarrhea. Unfortunately, this style of writing prohibits me from making a group of small notations that I want people to see. This is why I’ve dedicated this post to pointing out a few things I want you guys to know.

First, I want the writers that are on strike to know that if they don’t stop striking I am going to shoot up my school. I’m hoping that deaths caused by this event will force them to stop picketing and I can watch some new television.

I never realized how addicted to TV I am until shower were repeated and I found myself hearing the same punch lines twice. What’s the point in watching Family Guy if you already know that Peter is going to fall down or that Chris is going to cry? My family and I wanted to watch House last Tuesday and literally screamed when it was an old show. We already knew the problem, we already knew the diagnosis, and we already knew the twist. There was no point in watching the show so I went upstairs and voluntarily did homework.

On the rare chance that this strike continues on for another month of two—by which time half of America will be insane and the other half will have been murdered in school shootings—I will gladly volunteer myself to write for shows. I’ll work for a mere $1,000 a month and will produce the best scripts you’ve ever read. I already have this idea for a House episode in which this man comes in with the common cold and the doctors mis-diagnose and over-medicate him until he turns into The Hulk.

Next, I feel you all should know that I, the modest, 16-year-old high schooler who still listens to the Baha Men, will be on MTV’s MADE very soon. Oh yeah, you heard me, THE MADE. No, I’m not going to be one of the losers who dreams of becoming something beautiful, but a kid at my school is. His name is Colin, and he wanted to become a rapper. For two months he had a camera following him around school and his final challenge was to rap at our semi-formal.

While the cameras were following Colin around, the whole school seemed to tense up. Kids would stand stiffly and awkwardly glance at the camera while others avoided being on screen at all. However, there were some kids who jumped at the chance to be on television, and I’m willing to bet you guys know which category I was in. But instead of dancing in the background shot or praying for an interview, I did what any other 16-year-old white kid would do to get on camera: I rap-battled Colin. Twice, actually. The videos were on youtube for a few days, but they were taken down due to copyright infringement or something. I’m not going to ruin the ending to the show, but let’s just say that if Colin was 50 Cent’s Curtis, I was Kanye West’s album Graduation.

I’m not sure when the episode airs. It’s either December 15th, 2007, or January 16th, 2008. I’ll get back to you if I find out.

Last, I would like you guys to know that the movie Hot Rod is hilarious. It’s more than hilarious—it’s uproarious. The film is from the producers of Superbad, which was also genius, and the rookie actors that decorate the cast make it so much better. I’m rating it an 8 out of 10 on the “Comical Chart.” To give you a glimpse of how good that is, Zoolander is a 9 out of 10 and all Will Ferrell movies are a 10 (except Stranger Than Fiction which was the biggest swing-and-a-miss in history).

The only thing better than the movie is the movie’s badass soundtrack. It only adds to the droll satire of inspiration movies. Buy the movie, buy the soundtrack, and buy more underwear for when you pee yourself laughing.

That’s bacially all I have to tell you guys, other than that I’m sorry for the lack of posts. I’m working on some big ones. Right now I’m in directed study, scribbling away in my Spanish notebook, and later these words will be edited and printed to be published on my computer. If I’m lucky I will be able to crank out a post a week; the only way I could produce more is if I wrote some while taking a poop.

At first I thought I was just going to be able to ignore all the pro-Goths that were completly against my Anti-Goth post. But it turns out that they’re managed to keep bugging me even though I don’t pay them interest, making them more annoying than an attention-deprived four-year-old. Well there you are Goths; your immaturity has triggered a response from me. And this response will trigger a response, and that response will trigger a response, and the cycle will continue for years and years and years until you guys die from slitting your wrists.

Let’s just get one thing straight from the beginning: I don’t care what you have to say. You people think that just because you bothered to take the time to read my rant about how much Goths suck, I’m going to take the time to read your replies about how “You don’t have to wear all black to be Goth” or how “Goths and Emos are two different things.”

I didn’t even read half of your comments because I knew they all included the following:

1. Telling me how ignorant I am for stereotyping one category of people.
2. Preaching that Goths are “misunderstood” and giving a real-life example to back up your bullshit comeback.
3. Identifying one tiny accusation I made, responding to it as though I had just slaughtered your entire family, and taking everything I said personally to the point where your keyboard was covered in tears.
4. You appearing more arrogant than me while trying to call me arrogant.

Okay, I get it. You don’t like people who make fun of Goths. But guess what, EVERYONE makes fun of Goths. It’s America’s pastime (apart from baseball, apple pie, and morbid obesity)! You need to deal with the fact that I’m being a spokesperson for these people who all hate you, and that it’s not just me. There are thousands of sites out there who slander Goths and remind you guys that your life revolves around nothing; do you bug the shit out of them too? Oh what’s that? I’m sorry I can’t hear you guys, you might want to take that dick out of your mouth.

I seem to have really struck a nerve with people when I discussed the subject of Goths cutting themselves. Why would I be so heartless and cruel as to conjure up such an unheard of and false accusation? Because—and I may be going out on a limb here—GOTHS ACTUALLY DO CUT THEMSELVES. The only thing funnier than people getting pissed at me for writing about the cutting topic is that their responses proved my point better than I could!

Duane- i only cut myself once, for the hell of it.

Loki- do i cut myself? did once, just out of curiosity

Eric- Maybe because its North Idaho, and we are all strange up here, but you seem to be in the belief that goths do “cutting.” Another half truth. Many goths I know dispise cutting ones-self.
Does this mean that the other “half” enjoy cutting themselves?

You guys don’t understand that all the Goths who yelled at me for wrongfully accusing them of cutting actually cut themselves. Loki herself claimed to have cut “out of curiosity,” which proved my first point that Goths do everything that other Goths do. Nobody cuts “out of curiosity.” That’s like saying you once shot up heroin out of curiosity, or that you once punched a baby out of curiosity. Everyone knows that you cut yourself because all your other Goth friends did it and you wanted to see what all the hype is about. Even though you guys claim to be “different” and “free-thinking,” you all do the same thing! There’s no way you can even argue with that!!!

What did surprise me was the nerve I struck with the English population. As we all know, the English are a fierce band of warriors who will not settle for defeat and will fight to the death. In history, they have been responsible for countless wars, millions of deaths, and—perhaps the most threatening of all—tea time.

Let’s be honest. No one is scared of the English. As proof, take a look at one of the semi-finalists in Britain’s Got Talent. Granted, this girl is 6 years old, so she had immediate cute points there, but I think she is proof that Britian is the least intimidating country on earth.

Did you see that?  The second most talented person in all of Britain brought tears to people’s eyes.  I have only four words: Watch The Fuck Out.  I was a big fan, however, of how one disgruntled reader asked me if a Goth had ever shot me in the “arse.” Another called me an ignorant American, and a third was surprised that there were even angry and violent people in America. All I know is that it fills a warm spot in my heart to be hated in a completely other country; no matter how fragile and weak that country is.

I’m sorry that I had to upset all you meaningless assholes with my “freedom of speech” and “comedy writing.” If you think about it, comedy mostly comes from someone making fun of something. Whether is be sports, traditions, companies or products, comedy is hard to find if you’re just talking normal. It’s when you guys are at the butt of all the jokes that you start bitching and whining. You may seem like the group ganging up on me here, but I know that there are a countless number of people who would like to choke some sense into you just as much as I would. And I know you guys are going to respond hastily to this post, pointing out things I said wrong and finding every tiny little way to boost your pathetic amount of self-esteem. Because I know that when all is through, you guys will be the ugly ones with scars up and down your arms and a black Slipknot sweatshirt on looking like absolute tools. Hell, I might even join you, but only out of curiosity.

I’ve wanted to write a post on this guy for a while, and the only way I can fulfill my hatred towards this character is by calling him a douche bag. Why? Because he is. He is notorious throughout America for guilting, embarrassing, and antagonizing criminals across the world. Some say that he’s just doing his job; I say he’s being a douche.

We know him as Chris Hanson. Sexual Predators throughout America know him as Satan. His show, To Catch A Predator, has opened America’s eyes to a hidden danger: There are men in this world who actually enjoy sex.  His job is like any other middle-class man’s: expose sexual predators in an area and broadcast their face across public television. To him, a day of work consists of tricking, interrogating, and arresting pedophiles; injecting fear into a nation by telling them that the pedophiles arrested were priests, firemen, and principals; and going home to sleep like a log.

But the fact that Chris catches these criminals is not what makes him a douche bag. In fact, I’d say it makes him a national hero! He’s ridding the world of pedophilic scum and making America a safer place to live! It is simply the way he rids to world of pedophilic scum that makes him such an asshole. First, they trick the predator into showing up by presenting him with the one thing no man can turn down: a hot and horny 13-year-old. I partially feel bad for the guy as I watch him get relentlessly played by the world’s biggest flirt:

BigStrongChief2000: Have you ever tried doggy style?

Heer4DaPicking: no but i hear its really hot

BigStrongChief2000: We’ll have to do that then. But I don’t think this is a very good idea. You’re only 13 years old and I’m 42. Plus there are people out there who are searching for scandals like this. I’m a 5th grade teacher too, I can’t have people thinking that I’m some huge threat to society.

Heer4DaPicking: oh no really its fine. And besides my body is all sweaty and covered in honey

BigStrongChief2000: Okay, if you’re sure that we can’t get caught and broadcast on public television, I’ll be over around 7.

Heer4DaPicking: good bcz im all alone and my massive breasts are popping out of my skimpy shirt

BigStrongChief2000: Alright I’ve already agreed to meet you.

Heer4DaPicking: ohhhh im licking whipped cream off my warm chest

The sad thing about the conversations these old men have with the suspected 14-year-old girl is that I’ve had those exact conversations with girls. Every guy knows that I’m talking about. You have some girl who thinks it’s amusing to toy with guys so she tries whatever she can to get you going. Fortunately, there’s no show called To Catch A Horny High Schooler, so for now the only people in trouble are the older creeps hitting on teenagers.

Once the predators get to the house, they are usually lured in by a girl who quickly ducks behind a curtain while the man waits in the kitchen. Then, out of the depths of hell comes every pedophile’s worst nightmare:

Chris Hansen. I really have no words to describe this man other than “slimy.” He seems to slither across the room and immediately take control of the situation—kind of like an army sergeant but with a vagina. The predator immediately tenses up and realizes he’s been tricked. Instead of having hot and horny sex with a 15-year-old girl, he is now a wanted felon in multiple states and will forever be a sex offender. Plus—as if things couldn’t get worse—tomorrow’s Monday.

After an hour of sitting here trying to think of how to reenact the conversation that goes on between the Chris Hansen and the predator, I couldn’t do it. So I did what every creative comedy writer would do when he finds himself at a lack of words: I found a youtube clip of it! Here is a prime example of how Chris Hansen is a complete dick to the guy. Please pause at 6:11 so I can prepare you for what else you’ll see in the video.

You’ll see that at 6:11 Chris prepares the “manuscripts,” which is a big FBI word for “a sheet that has every little bit of nasty shit you ever said to that girl about sex.” Chris does not tell the guy that he has these papers, and instead lets him perjure himself into a pit of lies before whipping out the truth. Imagine if every single thing you said was written down and annotated before you were confronted about a wrongdoing. I can’t help but feel sorry for these guys as Chris mercilessly reviews the things the pedophiles said to these girls.

As you continue to watch, you’ll see that Chris then continues to interrogate the man, smashing at his conscious and filling him with guilt. Make sure to pay attention at 3:42 where, even though the pedophile put his hands on his head and stopped running, the police officer tazered the shit outta him.

So congratulations Chris Hanson, for being not only the best at your job, but being the biggest douche bag in the world. I wouldn’t be surprised if half the assholes you throw in jail come back to kill you because of what you did to them. I would love to stay and talk more shit about you, but some hot 15-year-old is smearing honey on her chest.