Comedy Corner

WARNING: This post has some of the scariest pictures and videos you will ever see. If you are someone who gets scared easily, do not read this post because it is about ghosts and will definitely give you nightmares. You have been warned.

I’m not scared of ghosts. I don’t even believe in ghosts! I think the idea that when you die your soul floats around the earth bent on scaring kids is the stupidest thing ever. If I was a ghost I wouldn’t float around aimlessly waiting for some redneck to catch me on camera, I would do the one thing everyone else would do if they were invisible: steal. What other benefit comes from being transparent? You want that Power Ranger Robocon Space Base? Just stick it under your transparent shirt and float out the door; no one will suspect a thing.

The only thing worse than people who believe in ghosts are the people who think that they can communicate with the dead/sense a ghost’s presence. I’m talking about those “Ghost Hunters” you watch on the SciFi channel who spend hundreds of dollars on special “ghost-hunting” tools that will fully assist them in pretending to suddenly get very, very cold. These guys aren’t actually de-bunking myths of spirits haunting a mansion, they’re just faking shit in order for people to watch their show:

Guy 1- Holy crap did you just hear that?

Guy 2- What? No.

Guy 1- Yeah you did. It sounds like someone whistling the tune to The Simpsons

Guy 2- Oh yeah I uhh, I hear it now. Oh Jesus did you just feel that?

Guy 1- Yeah I just got really cold.

Guy 2- No I just got really hot.

Guy 1- Oh yeah that’s what I meant.

Nobody can communicate with the dead or sense phantoms in an area because there are no such things. These people are just making money off of spineless lowlifes who want to believe in an afterlife so that they don’t fear the fact that they rot in the ground when they die.

But if I’m not scared of ghosts, why do I hate watching ghost videos? Every time I go on youtube or Google Video I see another person claiming that they have proof that ghosts are real or an authentic ghost video, and I am eager to view their flick in order to point out the fact that the phantom in the background is a photographed picture of Betty White, but I don’t. Why not? Someone who doesn’t believe in ghosts surely can’t fear them. Am I scared that I’ll start accepting spirits and then become terrified? Am I scared that if ghosts do exist that they will be haunting me right now? No. The reason I don’t want ghost videos is because of this girl:

I hate this girl. I hate this girl more than anything. If I could punch one person in the face, it would be the person who thought that this character would be “cool.” I have not seen the movie The Exorcist for the sole reason that this girl is in it, and I can not stand to look at her. Not only that, but the girl appears everywhere because some people—and I use the word “people” here lightly because someone so evil is hardly human—think it’s funny to trick me into watching her pop up on screen.

You know what I mean. You’ll be watching a video of ghosts and it will be all quiet, and you move closer to the screen so you can see the faint image of a ghost slowly appear and start coming over the hill and then BAM; Sarah Shitface is in my face screaming. I topple backwards in my chair, shit all over myself, and then laugh as to how stupid I am for falling for that trick again.

The most recent one of these is the infamous “Maze” game in which you try to maneuver your mouse through an obstacle course, avoiding the sides as you progress. On the third level the walls become narrower and you are forced to slowly move your mouse between a microscopic gap, and this time when your mouse touches the sides

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

As proof as to what affects this can have on a child, I have a video of a kid doing this so-called “fun game.” Do not worry, this video is not scary at all and I actually thought it was hilarious because the kid thinks he’s the shit for putting his feet up while playing the game. This is probably exactly what you look like when you shit yourself.

I want to meet someone who thinks it’s funny to release these videos, because I want to kill them for giving me constant fear.  I have been permanently scarred because of these videos and I can no longer watch an innocent video online without reading the comments first to see if people are terrified or entertained. In order to test this theory, I will offer you the chance to watch a video without telling you anything about it besides the fact that it is a video about ghosts. You can then tell me if you trust me—a person who you have never met or spoken to in your life—enough to watch the entire movie to the end, or if you chickened out and were scared that Princess Cut-face was going to jump out at you. It is a true examination of reverse psychology and fear: