Comedy Corner

I don’t really enjoy talking about politics for a few reasons. First, no matter what you say, some right-wing, bombastic asshole always seems to know more than you and shuts down every idea you propose. Secondly, I feel that I’m too young to understand the complex concepts of the government, yet too old to effectively call George Bush a poopy-pants snot-head. I’m too young to vote, to be affected by taxes, and to even complain about gas prices. Personally I don’t think that anything George Bush has done has affected me directly, and I wonder how many kids my age really know why they hate him. Oh sure, he started a war over oil and has sacrificed the lives of thousands in order to live up to his father’s needs, but who told you that? Your parents? Your teachers? All the people who are telling you that George Bush is the devil are people who actually have a reason to hate him, and therefore think that everyone else should hate him.

A perfect example is the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees rivalry. In this situation George Bush is the Yankees, and the Yankees’ arch rivals, the Red Sox, are—respectively—the entire United States. For some, strange reason, the Yankees always beat the Red Sox and do everything the Sox don’t like, and because of this Boston has every right to hate the Yankees. Then along comes the Detroit Tigers—the youth of America. Detroit rarely ever sees the Yankees and their record is hardly affected by New York, so they have no real motives to despise them. But then the Red Sox talk to the Detroit Tigers and tell them how bad the Yankees have been towards them. Detroit then becomes Yankee Haters even though they shouldn’t be; they simply do it because they’re told to.

If that example didn’t clarify the America- Bush relations, the governmental issues are not for you. What I would like to know is why people specifically hate George Bush. Whenever I talk to this left-wing activist at me school about George Bush’s weaknesses, he talks and yells for hours and by the end I’m too confused to even consider myself an American. If anyone right now wants to tell me why Bush sucks, please do so in a short, simple list. As an example, I will provide the same list with reasons as to why I hate Zac Efron:

1. He’s made his career by being the biggest pussy on American television.
2. In an attempt to drift away from the Disney Channel, he acted in a real movie.
3. Unfortunately, that “real movie” was Hairspray, an even more womanly film than High School Musical.
4. Even though 70% of American girls would willingly sleep with him, he still on;y lets guys in his dressing room.
5. He’s a Grade-A fairy.

I don’t even think it’s possible for people to talk briefly about politics. They always babble on and on with one point leading to another. Some people believe this is why Lewis Black’s political stand up is so long and boring, while other’s believe it’s simply because he needs a hug.

But since George Bush is going to leave office in less than a year, we have no real reason to worry about him. He doesn’t have any sons, so we needn’t fret about a third Bush starting a war (“There are weapons of mass destruction in Canada!”) and Bush’s daughters are too busy getting drunk to run for office. Besides, our new candidates appear very promising.

Or do they?

I believe it was comedian Dave Chapelle who said:

“Even when I think about who I would vote for, I don’t even look at their political policies; I just look at their character.”

And Dave is right. No one wants to elect a leader who kicks kittens and runs over old ladies. We want someone who is a relaxed and moral man who makes good decisions. He pointed out how George Bush did cocaine, Bill Clinton got oral sex in the oval office, and how Monica Lewinsky managed to become the most famous head-giver in the history of America. Since everyone seemed to love Dave Chapelle’s stand up, I have decided to use his character-analyzing system of choosing a president. And I will start with Hillary Clinton seeing as how she is trying to become the first woman president despite the fact that she’s more a man than Paul Bunyan.

There’s only one real reason not to vote for Hillary Clinton, and that’s because—like all women—she’s a power-hungry bitch. She is determined to get as far as she can without doing any real work, and if she does become president our society will forever be changed. Her husband, Bill Clinton, was a fantastic president who everyone loved (including Monica Lewinsky) and Hillary thinks that she can just ride on the back of his success to clinch the Presidency. In a 1998 interview, Hillary Clinton was reported saying, “I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”

What? No! You are not the President. You are the first lady, the woman married to the president. Does congress allow you to veto a law? No, they don’t. Are you able to summon the American military at any moment or pardon any committed felon? No. And if that isn’t proof enough, here is another quote Hillary said in a 2001 interview when asked if she wants to run for president:

“I have said that I’m not running and I’m having a great time being pres— being a first-term senator.”

Once again, a little slip of the tongue makes Hillary appear like a pompous witch who is hungry for supremacy.

When I discussed with my friend why we shouldn’t elect Hillary, his only response was “we can’t elect another Clinton.” Why is that supposed to mean? From what I’m told, Bill Clinton was an amazing President who healed relations with Northern Ireland and England, released the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy, and ended his presidential career with a 65% approval rating, the highest end-of-term approval rating of any President since Eisenhower. Hell, he was so good that he managed to get a blowjob in the white house and keep his job. Has anyone else done that? No! So when someone claims that we “can’t elect another Clinton,” they’re basically saying that we shouldn’t select a public leader so skilled they could please a nation so much that adultery in his office becomes perfectly logical.

Now, generally, when a wife comes home to find her husband getting his pole waxed by his intern, the situation is violent, drawn out, and confusing, but most likely ends with the man standing out on the sidewalk in his underwear while his disgruntled wife throws his belongs out at him. But when Hillary discovered the “stain” that convicted her husband, she seemed unfazed. In fact, she was seen on the news smiling by her husband’s side. Is that natural? Should a woman be supporting the man who cheating on her? Of course not, so when people saw Hillary respecting her husband in interviews they thought it was unnatural and that she should have acted like any real woman by—at minimum—appearing topless on Jerry Springer.

When I asked my dad why Hillary didn’t divorce Bill Clinton for cheating on her, he said that she “favored her position over love.” AKA: She’s a power-hungry whore. And now what’s the bitch doing? She’s running for president. Why? Because she’s a good leader and is strong enough to change history? Because America trusts her to save us from the downward spiral the U.S. is in? No. Hillary Clinton is running for president off of her husband’s fame. To help you better understand how unfit Hillary is for president, I have developed a list of things she does and does not have:

Things Hillary Clinton Doesn’t Have That Are Necessary To Become President:

1. Good looks
2. An IQ above 30
3. A controversial issue sure to boost her ahead of the competition
4. A penis

Things Hillary Clinton Does Have That Are Necessary To Become President:

1. A kick ass husband

Bill Clinton is the man. That’s all there is to it. I don’t need to pull out statistics and quotes to prove to you that President Clinton was the tits of the crop. My main reason: Bill Clinton—the most powerful man in the world from 1993 to 2001—got a blowjob during work and got away with it. There are assistant managers at Walgreens that can’t even do that, let alone a man constantly surrounded by secret service. And I don’t care what you say, Bill Clinton is the man, and Hillary is just riding on his reputation.

So go ahead and watch the news. Watch the political debates and the latest polls. Listen to the political chatter they all say, and try to decide who will be the best liar to elect. And maybe Hillary’s face will pop up more as the election creeps closer. But if you want to see Hillary now, I suggest you flip over to Jerry Springer.

For the third time in this website’s history, I am being shut down. And once again, my cancellation is due to lack of good grades (also known as “bad” grades). My dad had confiscated my phone and demanded my website password, commanding me to dedicate all my time to school. Secretly, my dad just needed an excuse to take my phone away due to the fact that I had over 7,000 text messages last month alone. For those of you not too good at math, that equals 250 text messages a day. My mother—who is living proof that you don’t mature as you grow older—wanted to take my phone away for a while now, but since she has no control over me she had to have my dad do it. My dad tried, but would immediately stop when I called him a tool for being my mother’s bitch. Unfortunately, I gave them a reason to take my phone away, and I will not get it back until my grades are brought back up.

So as a tribute to my parents—as well we to you guys who have managed to go so long without something funny to read—I have decided to educate you through me site. Below is the history test that I wrote in my Advanced History class. This is a completely true essay, and if you doubt me I will gladly show you it in my hand-writing. In supplying you with this deep look into my learning process, I hope you realize why I do so poorly in school and why my only future is in comedy:

Explain the key events leading up to the Battle of Little Bighorn, the result of the battle, and its significance.

“The Battle of Little Bighorn was a very controversial battle amongst the Indians and Americans, and was truly the beginning to the Indians being removed violently. But before General Custer had his last stand, there were a few things leading up to the battle.

It all started when U.S. troops found gold during the building of a fort in the Black Hills. The Black Hills were a very religious place for the Indians, and when gold was discovered hundreds of Americans stormed the area in an attempt to get a slice of gold. Unfortunately, there was a treaty signed by both the Indians and the U.S. Government that prohibited Americans from entering the Black Hills. As repayment, the American Government offered the Indians money, but they refused. In time the Indians started attacking the travelers and viciously killing them. This was the basis for the movie The Hills Have Eyes.

In order to stop the Indian attacks, the American troops sent in General Custer, a bad-ass, take-no-prisoners American who loved killing Indians. Unfortunately, Custer also loved killing his horse, and he accidentally shot his steed in the head and was stranded in the desert with no food or shelter. Luckily, Custer was able to survive be eating insects and drinking lizard’s blood, something he learned from Man Vs Wild star Bear Grylls.

When Custer finally attacked the Indians, he thought that they had only like 12 guys with bows and arrows, and was shocked when they outnumbered him 4:1. His men were already tired from marching dozens of miles, and they were all shot in the face and killed. Custer himself was turned into a moose by evil voodoo magic and was later killed by two rednecks named Ray-Ray and Uncle Bubba.

Upon hearing that Custer was killed by the savage Indians, the American Government forcefully pushed the Indians out of their territories during battles like The Battle Of Wounded Knee. It was called this because one Indian tripped over a rock and scraped his knee before getting shot in the face by an American.

The Battle of Little Bighorn was a huge bookmark in American history, and stood for all that is wrong with America. But in the end, America won by cheating, similar to the New England Patriots.”

I would like it to be noted that I scored an 84% on the essay, and got a total of an 82% on the entire test. I’d leave you my number to call me and inform me that I’m a genius, but my phone is taken away.

WARNING: This post has some of the scariest pictures and videos you will ever see. If you are someone who gets scared easily, do not read this post because it is about ghosts and will definitely give you nightmares. You have been warned.

I’m not scared of ghosts. I don’t even believe in ghosts! I think the idea that when you die your soul floats around the earth bent on scaring kids is the stupidest thing ever. If I was a ghost I wouldn’t float around aimlessly waiting for some redneck to catch me on camera, I would do the one thing everyone else would do if they were invisible: steal. What other benefit comes from being transparent? You want that Power Ranger Robocon Space Base? Just stick it under your transparent shirt and float out the door; no one will suspect a thing.

The only thing worse than people who believe in ghosts are the people who think that they can communicate with the dead/sense a ghost’s presence. I’m talking about those “Ghost Hunters” you watch on the SciFi channel who spend hundreds of dollars on special “ghost-hunting” tools that will fully assist them in pretending to suddenly get very, very cold. These guys aren’t actually de-bunking myths of spirits haunting a mansion, they’re just faking shit in order for people to watch their show:

Guy 1- Holy crap did you just hear that?

Guy 2- What? No.

Guy 1- Yeah you did. It sounds like someone whistling the tune to The Simpsons

Guy 2- Oh yeah I uhh, I hear it now. Oh Jesus did you just feel that?

Guy 1- Yeah I just got really cold.

Guy 2- No I just got really hot.

Guy 1- Oh yeah that’s what I meant.

Nobody can communicate with the dead or sense phantoms in an area because there are no such things. These people are just making money off of spineless lowlifes who want to believe in an afterlife so that they don’t fear the fact that they rot in the ground when they die.

But if I’m not scared of ghosts, why do I hate watching ghost videos? Every time I go on youtube or Google Video I see another person claiming that they have proof that ghosts are real or an authentic ghost video, and I am eager to view their flick in order to point out the fact that the phantom in the background is a photographed picture of Betty White, but I don’t. Why not? Someone who doesn’t believe in ghosts surely can’t fear them. Am I scared that I’ll start accepting spirits and then become terrified? Am I scared that if ghosts do exist that they will be haunting me right now? No. The reason I don’t want ghost videos is because of this girl:

I hate this girl. I hate this girl more than anything. If I could punch one person in the face, it would be the person who thought that this character would be “cool.” I have not seen the movie The Exorcist for the sole reason that this girl is in it, and I can not stand to look at her. Not only that, but the girl appears everywhere because some people—and I use the word “people” here lightly because someone so evil is hardly human—think it’s funny to trick me into watching her pop up on screen.

You know what I mean. You’ll be watching a video of ghosts and it will be all quiet, and you move closer to the screen so you can see the faint image of a ghost slowly appear and start coming over the hill and then BAM; Sarah Shitface is in my face screaming. I topple backwards in my chair, shit all over myself, and then laugh as to how stupid I am for falling for that trick again.

The most recent one of these is the infamous “Maze” game in which you try to maneuver your mouse through an obstacle course, avoiding the sides as you progress. On the third level the walls become narrower and you are forced to slowly move your mouse between a microscopic gap, and this time when your mouse touches the sides

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

As proof as to what affects this can have on a child, I have a video of a kid doing this so-called “fun game.” Do not worry, this video is not scary at all and I actually thought it was hilarious because the kid thinks he’s the shit for putting his feet up while playing the game. This is probably exactly what you look like when you shit yourself.

I want to meet someone who thinks it’s funny to release these videos, because I want to kill them for giving me constant fear.  I have been permanently scarred because of these videos and I can no longer watch an innocent video online without reading the comments first to see if people are terrified or entertained. In order to test this theory, I will offer you the chance to watch a video without telling you anything about it besides the fact that it is a video about ghosts. You can then tell me if you trust me—a person who you have never met or spoken to in your life—enough to watch the entire movie to the end, or if you chickened out and were scared that Princess Cut-face was going to jump out at you. It is a true examination of reverse psychology and fear:

Imagine all your friends have a hundred thousand dollars, and have three hours to go throughout a mall and purchase anything they want. They are busily rushing around trying to obtain every toy and item they could ever dream of and the only things louder than the squeals of happiness are the laughs they share as they carelessly socialize. Now, imagine that you are working as a security guard in that mall and you are forced to watch jealously as they do whatever they want with whomever they please. And then, every three days all the kids get together and tell you the stories of what they did and how much fun they had while you think about your pitiful life. Then, as if things couldn’t get worse, you don’t get paid any money for watching your peer enjoy themselves and every 25 minutes a big Irish drunk comes up and kicks you in the balls. That, my friends, is what it feels like to be grounded.