Comedy Corner

With the regular baseball season coming to a close and the post season around the corner, it’s time to talk baseball. But before you whip out your baseball encyclopedias and baseball cards, let me set some ground rules on our baseball argument.

Rule #1- At no point during the argument can you conjure up some unknown statistic about your favorite player.
Rule#2- There should not be any statistics mentioned. Ever.
Rule#3-If at any stage during the dispute you rebut, “Oh yeah? Well fuck you!” you automatically win the argument.

I hate talking baseball. Because whenever I try to have a completely civilized and appropriate discussion over which professional baseball player is better, some asshole comes in with all these memorized statistics he violently throws around. Dazed and confused, I am forced to believe whatever the guy says because he appears to know more than I do, where in reality he could be listing steps to a cooking recipe.

I face the majority of these situations when I go to my grandfather’s house and observe him watch baseball with my uncle. They are both enormous red sox fans, and are strong believers that the team manager can actually hear them if they yell at the TV loud enough. So when these men start talking about players, they unleash a massive attack of baseball lingo that is present in nearly every sports bar in America:

Guy 1: Ugh, Beckett’s killin’ us. Take a trip to the bullpen.

Guy 2: Beckett’s doing fine, he always grooves up around the 6th inning. His ERA in plus innings is 1.85.

Guy1: But when you allow three runs in 2/3 inning and walk a man with runners in scoring position you need a reliever to close the deal.

Guy 2: Beckett’s crappy innings are better than regular pitcher’s general games. 4 K’s in 5 innings is great, and this guy’s RBI’s are lacking so the BB is ineffective towards his ERA.

Guy 1: Beckett’s GPs are less than others which is why his ERA and BB’s look so impressive. The ratio of strikes to pitches thrown is far worse than other pitchers, and a good streak doesn’t sway his career average of 3.74 ERAs. I’m just saying that if his career starts averaged out and he added two eggs to the mix and heated at 150 degrees for three to four minutes, then he would be a fantastic pitcher.

Guy 2: Oh yeah? Well fuck you!!!

To prevent any confusion on my part, this baseball argument will be statistic-free. And to be honest, we’re not really arguing as much as we are poking fun at the fact that baseball is the most boring sport to watch.

With the exception of golf—which is hardly a sport in that you can be 400 years old and still play—baseball is the most mind-numbing sport ever. That’s why no one watches it like they would a normal show. Instead, they flip between baseball and another, more interesting show. Who wants to waste three hours tediously watching 200 pitches? No one. Baseball isn’t America’s pastime, it’s America’s commercial break; equivalent to getting food, doing laundry, and taking a crap.

When I watch baseball, I hardly pay attention to the game. Not only because the dreary pace of the game is enough to lull you to sleep, but because the point of the game—to score—is obstructed by the morbid amount of statistics they put on the screen. I realize that baseball is a game of numbers, but today’s “numbers” are ridiculous. When David Ortiz is up to bat in the bottom of the 9th inning, we only care about one thing: him hitting a homerun. But when I try to look at the muscular chocolate biceps of the Boston Gladiator the screen is obstructed by the thousands of stats trying to predict whether or not David has a chance of getting a hit. As if that isn’t bad enough, we have to listen to the commentator prattle off more useless information:

“On 3-1 counts Ortiz has a career batting average of .304 and with runners in scoring position he has had 75 RBIs this season and a batting average of 419. Ortiz is 6-9 against Buckler with two homeruns. Ortiz usually bats a .289 average on Wednesdays, but since he’s also had a career 178 RBIs on a full moon . . .”

I think I was watching the Red Sox vs. Orioles game when I literally saw this statistic:

Mike Lowell’s batting average against Chad Bradford with runner’s in scoring position on a 3-2 count.

What does that statistic mean? Does it mean that Lowell is more likely to get a hit based off of events that happened four years ago? Do you think that Mike Lowell really cares how well he did against Chad Bradford? No, the only numbers Mike Lowell cares about are the zeroes at the end of his paycheck.

Baseball is not a game of numbers.  Poker is a game of numbers. It’s called gambling. No one playing baseball is gambling on the sport (exception- Pete Rose), why are they throwing up so many statistics? The only thing that gambling has in relation to baseball is that we also watch the World Series of Poker during commercials, and that both sports will put you to sleep. And I know what you’re thinking: “But Boony, both baseball and poker are strategic sports that entertain millions with their unknown odds and odd statistics.”

Oh yeah? Well fuck you.

I usually don’t post up random stuff that I think is funny, but while surfing the net I saw possibly the funniest picture in the history of mankind.

Hey, here’s an idea. Let’s take all the advanced shoe technology we have developed over the years and throw it down the drain. Oh sure we have air pumps, gel shoes, supportive tongues and stylish laces, but who needs that? A real shoe should consist of an uncomfortably sticky and ungrippable rubber supported by only a blister-causing flap in the back. And in order to allow the foot to breath, we’ll punch holes in the entire thing to give it that trendy Swiss cheese look. Speaking of trendy, we need to give our shoes fashionable colors that will make our customers crave to buy them. Normal shoes are white and black. But we’re not normal shoes! We’ll color our shoes yellow, purple, pink, and blue. Any color in the rainbow should be available, even that obnoxious light green that burns your eyes.

Genius!!! Now all we need is an attractive name for these shoes. Something smooth, sleek and catchy that gives the shoe a lustrous image. Gliders? No. Drifters? Nah. How about . . . crocs.

I’m just going to come right about and say it: crocs are an embarrassment to the shoe industry. Before, shoes served a purpose. You wore sneakers if you were running, sandals if you were at the beach, and high heals during formal events. Every shoe had its own distinct reason for being footwear, which is why you bought them. Of course, there were some pointless shoes that served needless functions—platforms, slippers, anything from Sketchers, etc.—but those were based around the idea that women will impulsively buy anything laced with pink, and were a result of an unidentifiable closet floor.

Crocs, however, have no purpose. They possess no unique qualities that make them superior to other shoes, nor do they hold any “cool” features that make them attractive. First off, they have holes in them. Why?! When have shoes ever had such blatant punctures in them? Is it to show off your toes? To circulate your feet? It is some sad attempt at style? If someone knows why clogs feel the need to punch massive chunks out of their material, please let me know.

My next concern is the insufferable colors these shoes are. Why would normal people—people who scored as high as a 750 on their Math SATs; people who uphold high-paying jobs; people who have 3 children under their supervision—pay money for shoes the color of jelly beans? Why would anyone want to wear a shoe (let alone a shoe the same color) as their 9-year-old nephew?! I believe it was the late Dr. Martin Luther King Junior who said:

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the type of shoes they wear. And if my children ever wear crocs, I pray that they will be mercilessly stoned on the steps of the White House.”

My final problem with crocs is their so-called “support system” on the foot. While most shoes have top-of-the-line texture that grips the ankle, heel, and toes of your foot in order to reduce rolled or sprained ankles, the croc has nothing. It has a rotating flap in the back that might—if your lucky—prevent the shoe from falling off while you walk.

But wait, there’s more! Right when you thought this shoe couldn’t get any cooler, it continues to amaze. What appears to be a porous piece of shit rubber with a flimsy back strap can immediately change into . . .

. . . a porous piece of shit rubber with NO flimsy back strap!! It’s revolutionary!!!

Sneakers, sandals, snow boots, slip-flops, or cleats. Chose one. All shoes serve a purpose and should be worn in public. Crocs are not shoes. Crocs are horribly planned footwear that should never have been released, and the designers of them had better watch out because they’re walking on egg shells. And it must be uncomfortable; their shoes have holes in them.

The following are things that are necessary for any good action movie. If your favorite action movie does not have 90% of these things, then it is not a real movie and might be able to pass as a TV commercial.

Every 20 Minutes Blow Something Up

So many times has an action movie captivated audiences with an outstanding opening and then ruined the excitement with a lame ass “plot.” People didn’t pay 11 dollars to follow some complicated scheme in which the killer turns out to be the butler who faked his death by paying his accomplice to fire rubber bullets at him in a fake drive-by that distracted the President’s body guards enough for the vice president to kill him. Blow shit up. The movie Crank is a prime example about how no one cares about plot and just want to see people get their ass kicked and have things desolate.

The Movie Crank’s Plot: Some guy gets injected with something that forces him to remain moving at all times so he wants to kill the guy that did it.

This plot (which is established within the first 15 minutes or so) allows room for things in the movie that the audience actually cares about like, for example, mindless violence. To be honest, I’ve never watched the movie, but the commercials alone established that it was a good way to captivate an audience. And if you still don’t agree with me, here is another example as to the types of conversations you have after watching a movie in which something is blown up every 20 minutes and a lame movie that you sleep through.

After watching The Da Vinci Code: I really enjoyed the part in which the idea of the universe was portrayed in the church’s statue. I don’t remember reading that in the book, but the director made a good choice to represent the idea of Sir Isaac Newton’s law of gravity through an apple in a solar system.

After watching Crank: I liked it when he stabbed the guy in the face.

As you can see, it is much better to argue over what was the coolest, goriest, and most disturbing death was rather than debate over what the symbolism of a reappearing black dog.

Absolutely NO Make-Out Scenes

When people go to watch a movie like “KILLER” they expect to see violence. They do not, under any circumstances, want to see some ditzy ass girl run from a burning building and ruin the action with a 25 minute on-screen kiss. I just proposed a bill to the government to legally ban all women in any actions movies, stating that they distract from the point of the real movie: to make men want to fight someone. A prime example is any James Bond film.

In any given movie, James Bond will risk his ass to save some chick who manages to get herself tied to the top of a submerging submarine. After killing dozens of men, surviving countless explosions, and looking like a complete badass, Bond gets to the woman and saves her. But instead of acting logically and escaping the submarine (that is now likely on fire), Bond wastes precious time showing this girl that he loves her by making out with her. Meanwhile, in the audience, all the men that were once gripping their seat with excitement are now throwing up in their popcorn bowls. Then, as if things couldn’t get worse, Bond tries to resurrect the action by escaping the sinking submarine with the girl. It’s too late, all the man have lost interest and can only pray that the girl is killed by a falling car.

In order to prevent the action from being lost, any intense movie must prohibit kiss scenes of any sort and replace them with images of babies getting killed. BadASS.

Blow Up A Bus

Buses are massive transportation vehicles designed to carry many people. So when one blows up, you can be sure that at least eight people were viciously torn to pieces. Buses are the perfect size for exploing, because if you go to a larger scale, like an airplane, dumbass people start bitching about hidden messages relating back to 9/11 and terrorist bombings. Oh sure, there were bus bombings in London that killed dozens of people, but look how much attention that got on the news! Everyone wants to see large metal pieces of equipment torn to sheds in a big ball of fire. Nothing is cooler than exploding a bus, especially if that bus is filled with little children who were on their way to school. The only exception is the movie Speed, which is a bad film because a) the entire movie takes place on a bus, so you get kinda bored, and b) it starts Keanu Reeves. The only thing that could redeem Speed is that at the end, not only does a bus explode, but it explodes into an airplane. Can you say Badass? I can.

Dedicate an Entire Fight Scene Where People Fight with Everyday Utensils and/or Objects

This is the best: when the hero finds himself surrounded by bad guys in some sort of art studio so he is forced to fight with paint brushes, easels, clay, etc. I, of course, am talking about Around The World In 80 Days when Jackie Chan fights off the henchmen with anything he can find, and leaves the studio covered in paint. Another famous example is in The Bourne Identity in which the main character, Jason Bourne, fights off a knife-carrying guy with a pen. Things like this just add to the extremeness of a movie, and make you want to kill someone with your car keys. Of course this could never be accomplished because you’re a pussy.

Star Bruce Willis 

No action movie is complete without it staring Bruce Willis as the quick-witted, take-no-shit-from-anyone badass who always saves the day. I would list off all of Bruce Willis’s badass movies, but I don’t have time for that because there are so many. I believe the only movie Bruce Willis wasn’t a badass in was Over the Hedge, and that’s because it was an animated movie. In the “Behind the Scenes” edition of the DVD, however, you can see Willis delivering each cartoonish line with a strong punch and headbutt to confirm his masculinity.

Another amazing actor to have is Denzel Washington, but he is a different form of badass because he doesn’t really get shot at as much as he intimidates people with many of his special features like, for example, his skin color. Let’s face it, if a black person walked up to you with an explosion behind him your body would shut down before Denzel could kill you. If you hire Denzel Washington you’ll have more of an action movie where tension is high, whereas a movie staring Bruce Willis will feature extreme amounts of violence and blood.

Now that the rules of greatness are clear, it can be established that The Siege is the greatest action movie of all time. Not only does it have a bus explosion and morbid amounts of violence every 20 minutes, but stars Bruce Willis and Denzel Washington. Bruce Willis plays Major General William Devereaux, whose unpronounceable last name helps him kick the ass of foreign terrorists while Denzel plays Anthony Hubbard, a terrorist negotiator who tries to stop terrorist bastards from blowing up New York. The movie itself is undoubtedly the best thing you will ever rest your eyes on, and if you don’t watch it within the next 7 days you will die. If there are any movie directors reading this right now I strongly suggest that you take these steps into consideration of your next movie, because I am the viewing public and what I want matters. And if I see one girl kiss a guy in the middle of my movie, I will be so mad I will blow up a bus.

British soccer star David Beckham has been a great disappointment to America upon arriving here and has failed to revolutionize the game as he promised because of his injuries. The Los Angeles Galaxy trainer has said that Beckham will be unable to play due to a twisted ankle and sand in his vagina.

In two weeks R&B super star R. Kelly will be put on trial on charges of child pornography and could wind up in jail for allegations that happened in 1997. Kelly’s lawyer also states that the singer could be found guilty of littering in 1983, stealing in 1992, and illegally parking in 1999.

September has come, and with it is the anniversary of Robert E. Lee’s stroke which later caused his death. People who remember the Southern General say that he was very kind and loving, and that in high school he was voted Most Likely To Secede [Ba Zing].

Before the six year reunion of the tragic day of September 11th, a new video of Osama Bin Laden has found its way to America. President Bush reflected on the tape by publicly stating that Osama Bin Laden “still smells like poo-poo”

Recently, ex-pop star Britney Spears was found hanging with magician Criss Angel. Criss is famous for using magic to levitate strangers, read people’s minds, and surviving death-defying stunts, but says that, sadly, it will take more than magic to save Britney’s career.

Note To The Reader:  I started this article at the end of last school year, and have been working on it on and off for the past few months.  It is so long that I have cut it into two sections, the second one of which is still not finished.  I apologize if this article is not as funny as it should be, because I feel that some parts are rushed.  If you are not pleased with this writing and think that you know better than I do, then please feel free to email me your attempts at comedy.

Today I am, to the best of my ability, going to break down, analyze, and thoroughly investigate the complicated and complex subject of high school relationships. Many people have tried to depict this intricate topic, but have failed to do so properly (i.e. they favored the women). I vow to painstakingly explain every detail and every idea that flows through each sex’s head in a high school relationship (HSR), and I will do so in a completely unbiased and neutral way in order to truly make the men look like superheroes. Throughout the passage I will try to add bits of comedy. Please do not think that I am doing this for your benefit; I’m doing it so that I don’t get frustrated and start yelling. I feel that I am best suited to explore these multifaceted relationships because I am robust, well-educated, and I use words like “multifaceted.”

Normally I stay out of the drama in relationships and don’t discuss them at all. I believe that high school relationships are childish and fake, and I have said that I will only date older women who work at Hooters. But this idea was brought upon me when I found myself in the middle of a very intricate scandal. I am going to attempt to explain this situation to you not because it is necessary; I just want you to get a glimpse of how elaborate even the simplest high school drama is:

It all started out when Boy A broke up with Girl A without giving her a reason as to why. The day they broke up, Boy A approached me and proposed a “trade,” parse. He said that I can have full permission to hook up with his ex-girlfriend, Girl A, if I would give him “the rights to” another girl, Girl B. Girl B and I are friends with benefits, and if I agreed to the offer I would stop hooking up with her and start going after Girl A. I accepted the offer because Girl A and I had been hooking up before she went out with boy A, and in my personal opinion, Girl A is much hotter than Girl B. I agreed to the trade, made my move on Girl A, and hooked up with her a week later. Normally I would have had to wait two weeks as to not break The Man Code, but since the trade was proposed on me, I had the green light. I later found out that Girl A was using me to get over Boy A, as well as make him jealous. This didn’t faze me because I was getting as either way.

A week later, Girl A found out that Boy A had made a move on Girl B, and that Girl B admitted to liking Boy A. This angered Girl A for a few reasons:

1. Boy A was getting over her faster than she was him
2. Boy A wasn’t getting jealous
3. Girl A and Girl B are best friends

In The Man Code, it is unacceptable to go after a friend’s ex without full permission. It is even more improper to do this in the girl world, where you are forbidden to go out with, hook up with, show feelings toward, speak to, or look at your friend’s ex. Playing even more into the equation is the fact that Girl B is a whore (hence her hooking up with me) and besides liking Boy A, she also likes Boy B, Boy C, and Boy D. Boy A does not know this, nor does he know that I am still hooking up with Girl B; making me Boy E (for Excellent).

Because Girl B made a move on Boy A without Girl A’s consent, Girl A now hates Girl B. Normally people hate each other it is due to a long family feud, a strong town rivalry, or because that person killed your father. However, in the girl world, taking your friend’s ex is the most intolerable thing that could ever be done, could possibly result in execution. But rather than confront Girl B about her disapproval, Girl A keeps the problem on the down low and just talk about Girl B behind her back. This is called not starting drama (more on this later). Lastly, Girl A thinks that I am only hooking up with her in anticipation of a future relationship, where in reality I have five other girls just like her. And if she ever finds this out she will kill me.

So in this relatively small and nonviolent commotion that pales in comparison to other high school relationships, we have a total of six dirty whores, five horny guys, four twisted relationships, three jealous attempts, two pleasured boys, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Thank You.

The first thing to know before anything else is discussed is that all girls think they’re perfect. What I mean by this is that no matter how stubborn, narrow-minded, or smelly a girl is, she is convinced that every know human on the earth is dieing to touch her. These girls are most easily spotter giving what I call “the innocent shrug” and saying “you love me” to a guy who obviously wants to hit her. The innocent shrug is when the girl shrugs her shoulder(s), tilts her head upwards and to the right, and looks diagonally right. Girls in this position think that they are the most adorable creatures in the world, and use the innocent shrug in every picture they take (example). And even though all girls hate the way they look, they strongly feel that there loveable personality will subdue any guy she wants. Ironically, it is the complete opposite; it is the girl’s snobby, falsely innocent, bullshit attitude that makes them so disgusting, and the only reason guys talk to them is because they have D Cups.

Of course, there are girls that do not like another girl’s attitude. These girls are called “bitches.” When you know a girl who is a “bitch,” you never talk to that girl ever again, and the only time you look at them is to give them an evil glare. Every girl in high school has roughly five hundred thousand “bitches” that she hates. Girls will become bitches for reasons so insignificant it’s actually painful. I know a girl who never talks to another girl because she wore the same color dress as her to a Sweet 16 birthday party. It makes you wonder how many wars we would be in if women ran this country:

President: WE ARE GOING TO WAR WITH KENTUCKY!

Advisors: But ma’am, Kentucky is our own state!

President: I know! But Kentucky representative had the same purse as me at the last State Of The Union. She must die.

Advisors: What a bitch!

The only positive things that can be found in girls’ stuck up, I-can-do-anything-I-want-and-get-away-with-it-because-I’m-wearing-a-low-cut-shirt (sadly, scientists have failed to disprove this theory) attitude—which I have cleverly patented as The Bitch Effect—is that if you see a girl who has it, you can be certain that she is a whore. The reason these girls act so innocent is so that guys will not think that they hand out. Once again, the irony is that The Bitch Effect is the main sign of a high school slut—along with every other word being “like.” However, in the rare case that a girl with The Bitch Effect is not a whore, you want to make sure to steer clear of her because she will put you in The Friend Zone, make you help her with her problems, never hook up with you, then get jealous of other girls, make you de-friend them in order to gain her approval, lead you on for five months, then hook up with your BEST FRIEND and say that you’re like a brother to her so she could NEVER like you!!! WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH, I DON’T NEED YOU!!! I’M DOING FINE WITHOUT YOU!!!

Phew, sorry about that. What I’m trying to get at is that when it comes to friendships, girls are a bad idea. In high school, the only reason guys are friends with girls is to increase their chances at hooking up with them. Girls, who would you rather bone: a random kid who caught your eye in the hallway and might have given you his phone number after 2 minutes of conversation, or a guy who you’ve known for months and has helped you with your problems? Exactly, you would choose the friend because you trust him. Which leads me to the heroes of this relationship: The Guys.

Being a man is not a privilege. It is not a blessing or a gift; it is a right. Once you are a man, you are always a man—with the exception of Lance Armstrong who is half a man, and Andy Dick who is a queerbag. Your manliness can not be revoked (unless you are granted The Pussy Award) nor can it be repressed. Only two things can significantly affect your manhood:

1. Wearing Gucci glasses
2. A brutal skateboarding accident

Likewise, only three things can socially change in man’s manliness

1. It can be strengthened
2. It can be weakened
3. It can go undercover

Since the third reason has nothing to do with high school relationships, involves a wig, and is the entire plot of Sorority Boys, I am going to focus on the first two. As you may have guessed, both reasons revolve around girls.

A guy’s manliness can be increased via girl in two ways. He can either maintain a steady relationship with a hot girl or he can hook up with multiple girls’ most of which must be good looking. The latter of the two is called macing (pronounced: mack-ing) and it is useful for a while, but in the long run things tend to get complicated because people view you as a womanizer. Whatever that means.

Most people view macing as the equivalent to pimping. You have a bunch of girls that do whatever you want whenever you want and will only ask questions after they swallow [their food]. But macing is no easy walk in the park. You can’t just choose a bunch of girls and expect them to pleasure you; this isn’t Laguna Beach. You must be absolutely sure that the girls have no idea they’re being maced. If a girl finds out that she is one of many, you will never have any chance with her again and she will tell all her friends that you are shallow, heartless, and a womanizer. To prevent this, try to select girls that do not talk to one another; preferably from different cliques or even different grades. My friend Johnny was infamous for macing girls from different towns and two from different states. Unfortunately, John was soon sent to a juvenile refinement center on charges of armed robbery, grand theft auto, and “being a womanizer.”

I don’t want to sound like the entire plot of John Tucker Must Die but what he did works. He chose girls that never spoke to each other, and convinced them individually that they were his favorite. Yet, if you’ve ever watched the movie, you’ll see that John Tucker made the big mistake of actually hooking up with each girl in the hallway. In a real high school, this would be impossible to do because the bitch would make you late for class. But if you meet with each girl independently, you would be able to pull off the greatest macing of all time. Because that’s what us womani- I mean men, do. Also, when selecting a girl to mac, make sure to base most of your decision off of a girl’s Bitch Effect. If you feel that you can withstand the constant bitching of five different girls, select chicks with high Bitch Effects, which will, in turn, result in sluttier girls. But if you have a low tolerance obsessive whining, girls with low Bitch Effects are more your style. Be aware, however, that if you are too much of a pussy to handle any bitching and complaining, I suggest dating a nun.

Macing is recorded as 75% effective given you follow the rules. And rule number one is to not get too greedy. If you get greedy and talk with too many girls, they find out and you get in trouble. What you want to do is have a handful of girls you constantly keep track of (making sure that every girl is under the impression that the other girls are “just friends”), and then occasionally pick up a stray. I know that this makes you sound like a shepherd herding sheep, but scientists say that the intelligence levels are basically equal, which makes it okay.

The number two rule of macing is to actually call the girl. You’re in high school, stop pussy-footing around texting and IMing (although both those work too); each night call a different girl. Make a calendar and post it up on your wall to remind you—just make sure to take it down if they come over. Talking to the girl on the phone is also a key opportunity to test your tolerance for a girls’ Bitch Effect. If you feel that “Oh My Gawd today Jessica actually tried to talk to me,” sends you into convulsive seizers, try to dull down the bitchy girl and slowly work your way up. While on the phone with a girl joke around with her and playfully make fun of her. Just make sure that you that you that you love her. This will feed into her Bitch Effect and convince her that you like them, where in reality you just want to touch her and could honestly care less about her well-being. The great thing about being on the phone with a girl is that if her Bitch Effect gets too extreme to handle, you can “lose connection” and go play video games.

If you feel that macing girls is too much work, but would still like to increase your manliness, you could go for the more civil—although less fun—form of relationship: being a boyfriend. Whereas macing involves multiple girls that must be evenly entertained, being in a relationship involves only one girl. And while macing runs many risks (girls finding out, forgetting to call a girl, accidentally mixing up names, etc.), the only main obstacle in a real relationship is rumors.

Rumors, for those of you just entering high school, the real world, or anything involving women, are things that girls make up when they overload on their Bitch Effect. What happens is, one girl doesn’t like another girl due to the fact that the second girl doesn’t think the first girl is perfect; hence making her a bitch. The first girl will then get so upset at the other girl that her Bitch Effect levels begin to rise dangerously high. If the first girl does not find a way to release all the pent up bitchiness insider her, her head may actually explode with forces scientists describe as “the biggest fucking thing ever.” But instead of discharging this anger by simply telling the girl that she hates her, the first girl will decide that she “doesn’t want to start drama” and will tell another girl, who swears not to tell anyone. And because all girls are scheming, backstabbing liars, the third girl will tell the second girl that the first girl hates her. As you see, the irony continues when girls chose “not to start drama,” because upon finding out that Girl 1 hates her, Girl 2 will burn down her house. Don’t worry though; everything will be set straight with a simple innocent shrug.

In a relationship, many rumors will be cast from girls who overdosed on their Bitch Effect. The stories will range from someone cheating on their partner to someone having Hepatitis B. A rumor’s sole purpose is to break up the couple so other jealous girls can get the guy. Girls take rumors very seriously, whereas guys don’t care as long as they get ass. But let it be forewarned that the second a rumor interferes with a man’s ass-getting, watch out. If a couple is strong enough to overcome the harsh rumors of high school, they will happily prosper up to two months longer than a regular couple, which, in high school terms, is equal to 50 years of marriage.

What you have just read are the two ways men can increase their manliness through the use of women. Let’s recap:

1. The dude can mac many different girls and be a known hero among his guy friends without any girls knowing anything is happening because if one girl finds out the rest of America will know within hours.
2. The guy can enter a relationship and deal with one girl’s bullshit for the rest of eternity.

Next, we will talk about how a man’s manliness can be weakened through girls. I warn you, the following is not for the weak stomached, and I suggest you ask younger children to leave the room. Whenever a man wants to destroy his masculinity, he will—this is your last chance to look away—befriend a girl. I have many friends who are girls, and I think they will be honored to hear that I want to kill each one of them with my bare hands.

I don’t know why guys become friends with girls. I don’t know how guys become friends with girls. No one does. A man will just be talking to a girl about how school went, he’ll temporarily black out, and when he comes to he’ll find himself watching a movie with the same girl. Then it will hit him: he’s in the friend zone. Guys and girls don’t watch movies. They use movies to cover the sounds of their moaning. The only time a guy and girl don’t hook up at the movies is if they are “Just Friends” or if one of them is spewing lava—and even then the guy might make a move.

Oh sure, the guy will still be friends with the girl in a small glimmer of hope that she will change her mind. But she won’t. She’ll just keep talking to him in a lust-less tone, telling him how her day was and—even worse—letting him know who she likes without a care as to what it does to the guy. The worst part about being stuck in the Friend Zone is that you still have to put up with the constant bitching from the girl but you don’t get any ass to compensate for it. And no matter how long you wait, the Friend Zone is permanent. She will never touch you; it would make it “too awkward.” Instead, she will torment you for years until you finally admit your feelings for her, and then she’ll say that she used to like you, but those times are gone, and then she’ll avoid you for a few days because things are “awkward” and then I TAKE A CHAINSAW TO THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!

Whoops, another outburst, I promise it won’t happen again. Now that I’ve discussed the two—three if you enjoy torture—types of relationships with girls, let’s divulge into why people go into these relationships. After all, the only things that come from high school relationships are drama and premature pregnancies, so why would anyone want to partake in one? The answer, my friends, is image.

High school is all about image. The way a person looks, the way a person dresses, and the way a person acts all play extreme roles in a student’s figure. And depending on what a certain person’s image is, specific things will be assumed and expected from their peers. For instance, let’s take the stereotypical high school jock; the football quarterback known throughout the school. Without talking to, learning about, or even seeing this kid, you automatically assume that a) he gets all the girls, b) he gets bad grades, and c) he is capable of crushing you. It is the kid’s image (his “title”) that lets you know everything you need about him. And when you do see him, his girl fan base, dumbass vocabulary, and refrigerator-like structure only feed into the illustration that a) he’s been laid more times than God, and b) he can’t count past 10.

Likewise, a person’s image plays into their ever-changing social status. Sticking with the football jock example, this kid is an icon of the school. He is popular with the ladies, the leader of the guy pack, and his reputation transfers into other towns. In order to maintain this image (an image this kid may or may not like), the quarterback has to do things that strong, manly men like him do in high school like, for example, fail English. Once the school finds out that this kid failed out of a class that includes a language everyone speaks, it will build the retard-who-can-throw-a-ball-fifty-yards image (AKA: A football jock) that he has set for himself, and it will exceed everyone’s expectations. Similarly, if this same football player was ever found, hypothetically, crying during The Notebook, he would immediately ruin his reputation, causing his image to be damaged not only throughout his school, but in other towns too. If his town was known for worshipping such a pussy, they would be laughed at by everyone! The humiliation put on the town would then transfer back to the football player, and his social status would be lost forever. This could, in turn, lead to a series of cataclysmic events that alter the progress of the future. The kid that once had such charm with the ladies could be labeled as a pussy, causing him to stop trying to impress girls. Time that was once spent towards flirts would be dedicated to studying, during which the guy would read about San Francisco. Spending money that would once be used on beer, the ex-football player would travel to the city and witness a Gay Pride Parade. It would be then that the student realizes that even though he spent his entire life being homophobic and narrow-minded, he was actually gay!

As you can see, even the smallest thing can ruin a person’s image and turn them from an all-powerful jock into—in extreme cases—a prancing cheerleader. Of course, this is all a hypothetical situation; no football player would ever cry during The Notebook. They prefer The Titanic.

In high school dating, the social image that comes with a boyfriend or girlfriend is massive on both sides. For a guy, an image can be raised if he dates a hot girl, or if he macs multiple hot girls, and for a girl, an attractive guy is essential to increase social status. In these relationships, both the boy and the girl depend on each other for raising their school image—which is usually what keeps them together:

Guy 1- Dude, I just found out that Cindy is cheating on me with two other guys, and he has been using me for my money for the past two years. I forgave her when she crashed my Lexus, but now that she’s broken into my house and stolen my mother’s jewelry I can’t help but feel mad at her.

Guy 2- Why don’t you just break up with her?

Guy 1- Because she’s fucking hot!!!

An impression amongst couples can be raised if the couple is having sex, not cheating on each other, overcoming powerful rumors, or if they are just together for a long time. Similarly, their image can be harmed if the partners cheat on one another, go on and off for months, fights a lot, or if one of them kills the other. In terms of social status, a relationship is the fastest way to either increase or decrease the way people view you.

However, it isn’t that simple. As well as each partner depending on the other for social security (not in the old people way), an HSR is a give and take. Where one person benefits from a certain situation, another is hurt. It is sort of a battle in which one partner tries to strengthen his public appeal by harming the other person’s image. For instance, if the guy decides to cheat on the girl with an agreeably hotter girl, his status is raised while the girl’s image is damaged. Many will say that this is not true because the guy has then labeled himself as a “cheater,” but in high school that really means nothing. If one dude has cheated on 80% of his girlfriends, any girl will still go out with him granted that he is hot, he has money, and promises the girl that he loves her. Of course, girls don’t want to admit that, so they have to temporarily isolate that man, pretend to hate him for cheating, and mark him as a “womanizer.” After a few weeks of this the girls forget about how much he hurt their friend, and resume giving him handys in the bathroom.

Along with using a high school relationship to boost your social image, an HSR can also be used to maintain a certain appeal. Many girls not only get a boyfriend because they need someone to call them perfect all the time; they also get one to appear like less of a whore. In the girl community, whores are looked very down upon. They are labeled as trashy, improper, and are considered a bad icon as to what women should be viewed as. Little is it known that all women are whores, even the ones who condemn the idea of it. It is just that when you get a boyfriend, hooking up with him no longer makes you a whore, but instead you are labeled as a “good girlfriend.” You may be having an equal amount of sex—if not more—than a so-called whore, but because you are doing it with a boyfriend you are not considered a slut. This is why becoming a boyfriend is a much easier way to get ass; every single girl is a whore, but some would rather do it with a partner.

Of course, there is always the small risk you run of getting what is called in Arlington as a “frost.” I personally thought that this was an international term, but my friends in Belmont told me otherwise. A “frost” is a word to describe a girl who does not hook up. Ever. She will not go to any base with anyone due to an unknown reason that varies from frost to frost. These are usually the bitchiest girls of all, and will stop at nothing to point out that they are clean, saintly little angels and that everyone else is a gross and rotten slut who is going to hell. Essentially, a frost is the high school equivalent to a nun. Generally frosts are scared that their angelic image will be shattered if they were to hook up with anyone and that she will be labeled as a whore. Little does the girl know that if she has a boyfriend (or perhaps, a best friend), she will not be considered a slut. This is why the girl needs to get up off her fat ass and read this site and stop messing around with everyone and grow up and ACCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITIES THAT COME WITH MATURITY AND STOP ACTING CHILDISH YOU FUCKING BITCH. I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL AFTER I BOMB YOUR HOUSE!!!

The knowledge that a relationship is a portal to a girl’s body brings us to the number one reason guys end up in an HSR: to get ass. Scientists estimate that 89% of a man’s decisions are based off of whether or not he will get as. Clothing styles, music selection, and even mortgage payments are all carefully calculated to see if the end result will involve a naked girl. So when choosing a partner, the guy seriously weighs his options as to how hot a girl is (which will gain him social points) and how much she hands out (which will gain him pleasure points). Oh sure, we say that we selected our girlfriends because of their “personality” and “how nice they are” and “how real she is,” but that is crap. The chick could be part of the Taliban and kill your family and you’d still hang out with her because she hooks up with you. The girl may be enthusiastic or energetic or whatever stupid word you use to describe her, but that’s not why you went out with her. You chose her because she was the hottest girl who would touch you.  Keep in mind, though, that a sluty girl will most likely carry a high Bitch Effect, in which case you should save yourself the pain of constant complaining by stabbing her in the face.

This completes the first half of my high school relationships hand book, and I hope that you visit soon to see the other half in which I discuss what happens while you’re in a HSR, how most of them end, and the aftermath of such a horrible break up. If you are not clear on any of the facts I just told you, or you disagree with anything I just said, feel free to leave a comment or IM me to complain. Just keep in mind that I am a professional comedy writer and you are just a retard who reads my posts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch The Notebook.