Comedy Corner

2007 Annual Pussy Awards

Come one come all! Welcome to the 2007 Annual Pussy Awards! For the next few minutes (or hours, depending on how well you read and how long you laugh) I will share with you the people I believe are the world’s biggest pussies. But rather than just call them pussies like everyone else, I have decided to actually award them for their womanliness. Being stated as the biggest pussy on earth is quite a title, and the responsibility that comes with the award may cause some of these men to cry.

The pussy award stated out a few months ago when the infamous D-Young and I were playing Madden 2001. We play Madden 2001 edition because a it’s the only game I can actually beat him at, and in his story I was barely beating him. After a few intense defensive plays, I trapped him on his own 2 yard line on 4th down with 32 yards to go. Since punting the ball in Madden is equivalent to eating a scrotum, D-Young went for it. And before he knew it, his quarterback was face down in the end zone; safety.

A safety, for the women who cook during the football games and have no education of the sport (“Why is the umpire throwing that yellow rag in the air? Is it a celebration?”), is the way you clinch a victory. Not only do you get two points, but you also get to return in kickoff. In short, a safety is the same as punching your opponent in the kidney. So when I safetied D-Young, it confirmed his ultimate defeat and I proudly celebrated by throwing yellow rags in the air.

D-Young, being the computer geek who never loses at video game, was dumbfounded by the loss and took things into his own, pale, hands by quitting the game. In retaliation, I awarded him the Pussy Award.

However, pussy awards don’t have to be just in sports—although the majority of them are. The following people earned the pussy award for all their whining, bitching, and just lack of personality.

Peyton Manning

“Look at me, I’m Peyton Manning. I just won a Super Bowl so I’m cool now. I don’t need to huddle because I’m better than all the other quarterbacks.” Out of all the quarterbacks that have won a Super Bowl, Peyton Manning is the only one who still sucks his thumb. He is not one an absolute sell out, but he is a whiny child who won’t accept responsibility for his mistakes. He blames his receivers for not scooping up a pass at their ankles, and he faults his linemen for not giving his 55 seconds of coverage. Peyton Manning sucks and will probably put the Pussy Award right next to his Super Bowl trophy because he’s a dumbass.

 Alex Rodriguez

Alex Rodriguez, also known as the youngest person to be hated by all of America (excluding Shia Labouff), get paid an estimated 28,000,000 dollars. That is 112 times the amount the President makes. And sadly, no one knows which one is smarter. Our president may have started an unnecessary war in Iraq in order to obtain oil, but he certainly didn’t bitch-slap a ball out of a pitchers hand on his way to first. A-Rod is the dirtiest, sleaziest, and most disgusting baseball player there is. The only reason he went to the Yankees was because he’s a glory-hunting prick. Alex will probably put the Pussy Award in a glass case with lasers around it because it will be the only award he’ll ever win.

 Al Gore

When Al Gore lost the Presidential Election to a man as smart as leather, he needed a new way to get attention. Seeing as how Dane Cook already controlled the Myspace scene, Gore thought that the only other way to get noticed was to investigate a global disaster. And because this guy wouldn’t shut up about Global Warming, all of America is now stressing out. I personally blame Al Gore for Global Warming, world hunger, and The Holocaust. Al Gore will probably turn his Pussy Award into a type of environment-friendly fuel to run his gay-ass Hybrid car.

 Nick Lache

Once the luckiest man in the world, Nick Lache was too much of a pussy to satisfy Jessica Simpson’s sexual desires, which alone says something. A water bottle could satisfy Jessica Simpson’s sexual desires. Don’t let the muscles and tattoo fool you; Nick Lache is a PMSing bitch. My main example is his latest album entitled What’s Left Of Me in which every song is dedicated to losing Jessica. Every song is littered with whining, complaining lyrics about how much he misses the love of his life. What a pussy. Why don’t you sing about how you can now have sex with 17 chicks at once? When Nick Lache gets his Pussy Award he will probably give it to Jessica as a present to suck up to her.

 Marco Materazzi

I have not been headbutted. Yet. I assume that at one point in my life I will be headbutted, but until that point comes I can only imagine that it feels like someone hitting you in the chest with a rock, which has happened to me on multiple occassions. What I am confident of is that when I do get a forehead plowed through my chest, I will certainly take it like a man. So when Materazzi took a lung-collapsing blow to the sternum from Zinedine Zidane in the 2006 World Cup, he was immediately granted the Pussy Award. Zidane justified his actions by stating that Materazzi was talking about his mother (“Your mom plays soccer like a girl”) which alone is a pussy thing to do, but what clinched the trophy is how he writhed on the ground after the critical hit. If someone headbutts you, you don’t roll on the ground in pain; you get revenge; namely breaking their kneecaps and raping their children. Materazzi will probably put his Pussy Award between his World Cup Trophy and his full body cast.

 All Of Portugal

Generally Pussy Awards aren’t given to entire countries, but I made an exception for Portugal. The main reason I presented it to them is because they are the only country in Europe that people don’t want to be from. If someone is from Ireland, they are notorious drinkers and are very confrontational; if someone is from Italy, they have a very hairy chest and are renown at soccer (just don’t headbutt them). But if someone is from Portugal, all they have is really bad B.O. They are not tough, smart, or even good-looking. Hell, they couldn’t even think up an original language so they just copied Spanish! Pussies.

Here to accept the award for Portugal is soccer star Christina Ronaldo. Christina Ronaldo is recorded to be the most hated soccer player in the entire world. He dives like a bitch, he cries when he misses a shot, and he still wets the bed. If you ask anyone in Europe, Asia, or South America what they think of Christina Ronaldo they will spit in your face and steal your car. Upon receiving the Pussy Award, Christina Ronaldo will proudly place it on his trophy case between the Will & Grace Season Pack and his Spice World video.

Next, I will share with you three of the nominees who didn’t make the cut due to them suddenly doing something badass that miraculously redeemed their womanliness.

 Justin Timberlake

My main reason for giving Justin the Pussy Award was because he cried on Punk’d. The people on the show pretended to be the government seizing his belongings (house, car, dogs, tampons, etc.) in order to see how he would react. At the end of the show, JT sat on his steps (which technically weren’t his anymore), called his mom (who technically wasn’t his anymore) and cried like a Baby Back Bitch. However, Justin redeemed himself in two ways; both of which were manlier than the other.

Reason 1 How Justin Redeemed Himself: When Justin broke up with Britney Spears, instead of bitching about it like Nick “Pussy” Lache did, he released the song Cry Me A River and actually taunted Britney. This record went to the top of the charts and caused Britney so much humiliation and stress that she shaved her head.

Reason 2 How Justin Redeemed Himself: A few months ago JT released the single Sexy Back. I personally like this song, and seeing as how it sold over 200,000 copies, I’m guessing a few other people liked it too. Well, it turns out that Justin got a lot of crap about this song from pathetic D-List celebrities who would make “witty” comments about the lyrics:

I never knew that sexy had even left!Justin Timberlake is on a one-man mission to bring sexy back. It has gone missing and he is going to save it! The first time I heard it I thought he said he had a sexy back!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. To get back at the retards who try to make a living ragging on celebrities, Justin busted the ill beat on Timbaland’s Give It To Me and said:Could you speak up and stop the mumbling
I don’t think you’re getting clear.
Sitting on the top it’s hard to hear you from way up here.
I saw you tryin to act cute on tv just let me clear the air.
We missed you on the charts last week
Damn that’s right, you wasn’t there.
If sexy never left, then why’s everybody on my shit?
Don’t hate on me just because you didn’t come up with it.
So if you see us in the club go on and walk the other way
Cuz our run will never be over; not at least until we say

OH BURNED

Justin just dissed his critics, opponents, and the majority of his ex-girlfriends. After hearing those lyrics I had to fight back a heart attack because my body didn’t want to live anymore.

Because Justin dismissed modesty and used his fame and power as a weapon to weaken his contenders, the Pussy Award was revoked. Hell, most of us forgot that he was the lead singer of *Nsync. If JT had gotten the Pussy Award, he would have thrown it at Britney Spears, knocked her out, and then brought sexy back all over her face.

 Ronald McDonald

There’s really no reason why this man shouldn’t get a Pussy Award except for one: he is the cause of obesity. That alone is the most badass thing ever. Ignoring the flamboyant attitude, outlandish outfit and concerning obsession with children, Ronald McDonald is pretty cool. Who else can say that they have caused 33% of Americans to have weight related health issues, AND are still the number one fast food company in the world? Certainly not the Burger King, that’s for sure. If Ronald McDonald had gotten the Pussy Award, he would have deep fried it and served it on the dollar menu.

And last but not least . . .

 Saddam Hussein

The reason this man was originally a candidate for the Pussy Award is because he was found quivering in a hole like a bitch, but I read an article about all the crap he did because the trial and execution, and Hussein was an absolute G! I don’t really remember the newspaper article, and I’m far too lazy to do any research, but from what I understand, Saddam killed both his son-in-laws with a tank. He started a war, he killed anyone who disagreed with him, and he ruled his country with an iron fist. The last person to do that was Hitler (Hitler was not even close to being nominated for this list because he killed himself with a shotgun. Can you say badass?).

And just think about the way Saddam died! He was hanged! How much more extreme can you get (shotgun)? The only way it would have been cooler is if he had been sentenced to a firing squad or the guillotine. If Saddam Hussein had been presented the Pussy Award, he would have killed the man who gave it to him with a tank.

Do you know someone famous who should be chosen for the Pussy Award? An actor who gets paid too much and sucks (Leonardo DiCaprio)? A political candidate whose name rhymes with “Meval Atrick?” Or just someone who is a flat out woman? Feel free to elect someone for the Pussy Awards, and I might agree. All I ask is that you don’t nominate any of you friends, teachers, parents, or even yourself. Because if you do, I’ll headbutt you and kill you with a tank.