In life, people can choose to adopt many different types of personalities. The options are countless, and rage from attention-craver to loner; fitness freak to alcoholic. For example, if you wanted to live your life as someone people looked up to and idolized, you would become a burly, husky construction worker who feeds on raw bacon and cholesterol. Likewise, if you want to achieve your own personal satisfaction while being hated by everyone, you would strive to grow up like Derek Jeter.
Your overall personality is not chosen out of a list, but is determined throughout your life based upon actions you take at specific moments in your life. To help you better understand this theory, I have broken down the choices a vegetarian makes throughout their life that causes them to be so snobby and stuck-up.
Age 3: Eat your first piece of meat and realize that it is the greatest food on earth. Try to make your own beef by throwing your toy cows into the blender.
Kindergarden-7th grade: Eat beef, chicken, pork, lamp chops, beef jerky, bacon, sausage, steak, prime rib, and even Kibbles & Bits without a care as to what animal it came from, what part of the animal it came from, and how many children that animal fostered.
8th Grade: Watch a graphic movie about what people do to the animals before they cook them. Vow to never eat meat again.
8th Grade-College: Destroy your body by depriving it of fats, proteins, iron, and testicles. Instead, inject it with life threatening foods such as fruits, vegetables, and tofu. Claim that you can’t eat meat because it makes you feel sick, where in reality you hide Slim Jims under your bed. Insist that it’s okay to eat fish because they don’t have feelings.
College: Hypocritically taunt vegans saying that what they are doing is pointless. Mock the vegans by drinking milk with your scrambled eggs. Then get pissed at the guy next to you for eating sausage.
Occupation: Join the Peace Corps and become an animal rights activist. Spend all you’re your money buying animals that are about to get slaughtered to add to your farm. Parade around the street in front of butcheries with cheesy signs saying “Meat Is Murder” and “Dorks Eat Pork.” Due to lack of sufficient funds, ride a bike.
Hobby: Research different forms of torture animals go through while being killed for their meat and use your pointless statistics to try to convert people to being a vegetarian. In conversations, bring up animal cruelty regardless of what the original topic was.
Death: Die at the age of 38 due to malnutrition.
By following these easy steps, you could become a vegetarian. Not that you would want to, because a) no one has ever respected a vegetarian, ever; and b) tofu tastes like cardboard. In Illinois, a state law is trying to be passed to revoke the civil liberties of vegetarians like, for example, the right to vote. The state claims that vegetarians are, “hardly human.”
But vegetarians are not our topic of choice. I am here to teach you how to develop the most intricate personality there is. This personality is for people who enjoy being hated, go out of their way to annoy people, and believe strongly in what their opponents disagree with. This person feels that negative attention is the only cool form of attention, and thinks that kicking an old person would be the coolest thing ever. I am going to teach you: How To Be A Douche Bag. Depending on how closely you obey my intense training rules and specific directions, your douche bagginess can range from that of Jason Garfield to that of Bill O’Reilly.
Unlike personalities that demand an early start (for example, most alcoholics are born with a beer in their hand and begin picking bar fights as early as 18 months), becoming a douche bag can start anytime in middle school. Here, all you have to do is what I refer to as “girl calling.” This is when you and a bunch of your guy friends are all chilling when you a get a call from a group of girls who want to hang. Whereas most guys would simply proceed to the girls’ house and take their hook up chances there, quality douche bags will call girls beforehand. “I call Julie!” you would yell as you darted up from your chair. This would prevent any of your other friends from trying to hook up with Julie because you “called” her. If you want to be a super douche bag try to declare ownership of multiple girls (like, for example, all of them), or claim the girl your friend likes.
Throughout middle school, make sure to describe everything as “Old School” and hint upon every major stereotype there is. Drop pennies in front of Jewish people, accuse all Mexicans of being illegal, and challenge every black person to a high jump contest. Try to get a little creative with your stereotypical insults (“Hey, you’re Asian right? Can you help me with my Rubix Cube?”). Lastly, establish everything you do as the best thing that could have ever been done. Make sure the world knows that because you drew a house in art class, no one will ever be able to draw a house anywhere as “Old School” as that.
In high school, being a douche bag becomes easier than not being one. Everyone is mean to each other and cockiness finally reigns over self-consciousness, making it an ideal setting to be a douche bag. What you need to do is out-mean everyone. What I mean by “out-mean” is that if someone is unkind to you, you find a way to turn the tables and be more unkind to them. This can be done in many different styles ranging from verbal abuse to rape. If someone makes fun of your bad report card, you make fun of something much bigger like, for example, the fact that they’re poor. If a girl criticizes you of cheating on a test, criticize them of being a whale. But no matter how hard you try to respond to evil threats by making eviler threats, all the hatred can be eliminated by spreading rumors. In high school, the only thing that spreads faster than rumors is herpes—which is also a key flaw to tease someone of. Basic rumors are as follows:
- Having sex
- Not having sex
- Having herpes
- Being gay
- Liking Bon Jovi
However, douche bags do not fall to this level of mediocrity. In order to out-mean everyone, you must spread complicated, complex rumors that will permanently cripple your enemy and cause them to move schools. A perfect rumor should—at minimum—make your opponent cry in the bathroom for days upon end, and should most certainly ruin their weekend. The following are flawless rumors that I have constructed after multiple years of trial and error:
- Having an alcoholic mother who beats you and your step brother while your father goes out and sells drugs.
- Being forced to make money on the street selling scarves that your family wove out of hair.
- Being illiterate.
- Having the resort to cannibalism after your dog ate your entire farm’s crop.
Also, in high school, hygiene becomes a major factor and can be the difference between a ladies man and Bob Dole. What true douche bags do is comment directly on peoples’ lack of hygiene, and then out-mean them when they try to respond.
Douche Bag- Hey Victoria, I think the entire class would prefer it if you moved your desk outside of the room. The fan is blowing your horrid B.O. right towards me and I just had lunch. Thanks.
Victoria- Oh shut up! You’re the smelly one who just came from gym!
Douche Bag- It’s called Physical Education, Victoria. God, you’re so ignorant.
Likewise, most douche bags choose to separate themselves from the other smelly students by wearing too much cologne. Although I personally think this method is a little costly (most people go through a can a week), bathing in rich French cologne can make people think you are truly better than them, and it also leaves a wake of odor behind you that is usually worse than B.O.
For students who really appreciate the feeling of power and would especially like to consider themselves smart, disagreeing with what everyone says is a major douche bag chore. In high school, many beliefs are going around with which people strongly agree. The best way to be a douche bag is to firmly believe in the complete opposite of these viewpoints regardless of what your real outlook is. Unfortunately, this tactic requires research, studying, and—dare I say it—reading books. For example, freely join the Christians Club and then argue that science out-rules any of the bible’s stories. If you want to read a book, you can dispute that the first cells were able to be created by certain chemicals combining and not because some old guy wanted to make a tree. Refer to God as a “poser” and accuse the other members of being too insecure to believe that we are the most powerful thing there is.
If you would rather not read a book but still want to make fun of Christians, argue that Adam and Eve’s children were forced to reproduce by themselves; making everyone on earth related. When they say that this is false, you can then violently lunge at a girl in the group in an attempt to kiss her, declaring that if she’s not your sister you have every right to fornicate her. If the Christian members try to debate you with calm and collected words while using bible quotes to back up their points, get frustrated and throw a chair while yelling “YOU’RE MAKING HULK ANGRY!!!” Lastly, exclaim that you have found the Lord before convulsing on the ground and foaming at the mouth.
Another great thing I enjoy doing is joining the Ultimate Frisbee Club. As we all know, Ultimate Frisbee was a sport invented by college hippies so that they would feel athletic. At my school, the same thing applies only the nerds actually have a league in which they compete, which makes them feel even more like they have privileges. A fun thing to do with a bunch of your friends is join this team midway through the season. Seeing as how you and your friends are the only people on the squad who have come on complete contact with a girl, you will be accepted, praised, and maybe even made captain. Then, while playing Ultimate Frisbee, aggressively check and tackle opponents. When they inform you that what you are doing is illegal, ask if they want you to get them elbow pads. Then just keep right on abusing your competition! Finally, when they kick you out of the game, steal the Frisbee and run around with it, arguing the entire time that you can do what you want because “it’s a free country.”
If you feel like it, you can attend college, but it’s not really necessary unless you enjoyed being a douche bag so much in high school that you want to do it for another four years. But college education is not needed for your ultimate douche bag job: A Flight Attendant. As a flight attendant, you can sail the skies and travel to exotic countries that other people can’t afford to go to; so you tease them. A common greeting for old friends is, “Oh hey how’ve you been? I just got back from Aruba. I went there for free.” When your friend reflects upon a recent vacation they just came from, inform them that you have already been there multiple times and it is now boring. Also, as a flight attendant, traveling passengers depend on you. They look upon you for instructions, food, and reassurance that everything will be okay. This is why yelling “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!” is always a good douche bag thing to do. When people ask if the pilot knows that he’s doing, tell them that he’s just been a little different since he gave up cocaine.
As a flight attendant, your middle school stereotypes can come back into play this time in the form of terrorists. Stand silently next to an Arab passenger and forbid them from getting out of their chair; maybe even follow them to the bathroom. When flying to a foreign country, command the passengers to speak English, and refuse to assist them unless they do. If they start yelling at you in their native tongue, cut them off by screaming “I PLAY FOR KEEPS,” Ricky Bobby style. And lastly, make sure to ruin the on-flight movie.
As a hobby, douche bags can choose from a vast selection of options. But sticking with the “I’m-the-best-thing-ever” theme, an ideal douche bag hobby is to praise another famous douche bag. But don’t just praise him, worship him. Incorporate him into every conversation you have, make him your AIM screen name, and get at least two posters of him in your room. When people go to condemn your idol, rebut with physical beatings and take shots at their mother. Insist that that no one will ever be as cool as your hero, and make up fake stories about them. Make sure to use the words “Old School.”
For those of you just beginning and who aren’t cultured enough to choose your own douche bag, I suggest admiring Dustin Diamond. Some of you may know him as Screech from Saved By The Bell and others may remember his pornographic tape. But one thing is true: he is a Class-A douche bag. On the Vh1 show Celebrity Fit Club that I watch (insert gay joke here), he took being a douche bag to the next level by calling people skinnier than him fat. What an inspiration! This man was dirt poor, selling home-made pornos on the street to pay for his house, and he’s making fun of other people. I don’t think anyone else would be able to pull it off.
And finally, every good douche bag needs a good way to die. When you die as a douche bag, the key is to not die of something lame like a heart attack or a stroke or cancer. A true douche bag will expire of old age. But not just the pathetic lying-in-your-bed-with-a-smile-on-your-face old age death; a dedicated DB will die while doing something that young people do like, for example, sky diving. Imagine the look on your tandem partner’s face when the 84-year-old man strapped to his stomach stops screaming and goes limp. But out of the infinite ways to perish (water skiing, being in a mosh pit, juggling chain saws, etc.) the best option is to die while on the highway. First off, nothing is more annoying than a senior citizen fighting for life on the freeway, but when you actually die driving, the chaos you will cause will be inconceivable. Simply use your last few breaths to swerve violently to the left, crashing into the guard rail right after your passing. This way the collision will not kill you, but will most likely injure all of your passengers (this is why being a bus driver is a good douche bag employment option too) as well as block two crucial driving lanes. People are late for work; they get fired; go home and beat their wife; get a divorce; and become a raging alcoholic. Old School.
Now that you know the exact steps to becoming a douche bag, you are free to go out in the world and reign over the pathetic “good guys” of society. If you are already out of middle school, dedicate your freshman year to catching up. If you aren’t that good at spreading rumors, maybe have a friend help you. Just make sure that your cockiness is used as a weapon to out-mean and out play all your opponents, and in time people will begin idolizing you as their douche bag hobby. And if all else fails, become a vegetarian.
GUCCI Glasses
Ripped Jeans
Fishnet shirt
Pink
Vote For Pedro Shirts
The Man Thong
