No, don’t get your hopes up; there isn’t going to be a daily post reporting every douchebag I meet. I just wanted you to meet a man who needs to be hit in the face.
NOTE: As you continue to read, you will feel a growing hatred inside you. That is because the sheer presence of this man is enough to anger an entire country. And because of his conceded and superior attitude, all of America hates him; kind of like President Bush. Also, I use inappropriate words like “anus muncher” and “cooch lover” to describe him [the douchebag, not President Bush].
I introduce you to Jason Garfield.
He is a man who claims to need no introduction, even though he does because no one knows who he is. Jason is your normal American: he grew up in Connecticut, he works out daily, and he’s a complete asshole. Jason, like most ignorant Americans, believes that he is the best as what he does. And he is. Mr. Garfield is a world champion. No, he didn’t win a gold medal in the Olympics and he didn’t play in the World Cup. Jason won a much more athletically demanding, physically strenuous, and mentally challenging sport: he juggles.
Before I rag all over this dickhead about how conceded he is, let me give you a prime example of how much of a tit licker he actually is. There is no better way to do so than showing you the first 30 seconds of this clip:
Warning: Do not watch anything other than the first 30 seconds of this clip. If you do, you might actually start to think that Jason is a good juggler.
“For example in the ball category, if we’re not saying me, there would be . . . no it’s just me.”
Oh come on! Even President Bush isn’t that bad! I don’t care how good you are, there is something called modesty. Sure, you might have won the International Juggling Association Championship (iJac) three times, and you may have even won the World Juggling Federation Tournament, but I’m willing to bet that you’re not the best. I’m willing to bet that there is a small poverty-stricken child in Africa who can’t afford to do to the WJF despite the fact that he can juggle rhinos. So what gives this man the right to live his life in cockiness? What makes him appear better than the rest of us? A simple reason: he’s bald. Everyone knows that bald people think they’re better than everyone else. The only difference between Jason Garfield and other bald people is that most bald people are better than everyone else.
LIST OF BALD PEOPLE WHO ARE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE
• Vin Diesel
• Samuel L. Jackson
• Michael Jordan
• William Shakespeare
• Stone Cold Steve Austin
• Sean Connery
• The Rock
• Budda
• Damon Wayans
• Bruce Willis
• Michael Clarke Duncan
All these people could effortlessly kick my ass, Jason Garfield’s ass, and President Bush’s ass, yet don’t ever say that they’re the better than everyone else. Instead, they do what they do best—which, might I add, is a thousand times better than juggling like an estrogen-filled bitch—and let people build their own opinion about how great they are.
But Boony, that’s just one example. You can’t judge Jason Garfield on one thing he said.
I’m glad you thought of that, which is why I have prepared another clip for you. This is a clip of Jason Garfield on McEnroe. As you watch, notice now Jason can’t stand being ignored, and how he seems to be defending juggling, claiming that it’s an athletic sport, where in reality it’s something poor people do on the street. Don’t be tricked by his fancy talk, he’s a Class A douchebag.
Okay, I’ll give him the fact that he’s a good juggler, but he is certainly not the best. Who could possibly be better than him? That’s simple, a small German guy who placed second after Jason in the first WJF Tournament, and took first place in the second one. And if you can survive watching one more juggling video, I give you, Thomas Dietz.
Not only is Thomas better dressed, more modest, and overall more skilled, he has hair. Granted, it may affect his aerodynamics when he pulls of a 720 5 ball twist spin into an overhand waterfall with a side of french fries and a large chocolate shake, but I don’t think he worried about that. In the clip I watched of him (and yes, I do watch juggling. I find some mystical peace in watching grown men fondle six or seven balls at a time), the announcers couldn’t even explain all his trick combos due to the fact that he was pulling off so many in such a short period of time. Instead, we all sat back and enjoyed this man’s skill and reflected upon how much we would like to punch Jason Garfield.
As I close up this hate-filled rant, I would like to establish a few ground rules when it comes to you being an absolute douchebag:
1. If you juggle, you’re a douchebag
2. If you think juggling, cheerleading, track, and poker are sports, you’re a douchebag
3. If you work out believing that it makes you a better juggler, you’re a douchebag
If you fall into any of these categories, you’re a douchebag. And if you’re just a retard, then you’re probably the President.
28 Comments
Thursday, April 19, 2007 at 3:45 pm
if i ever meet someone so concieted and ugly as this Jason I am not responsible for my actions.
Sunday, April 22, 2007 at 7:00 pm
Sean connery isnt bald, retard
Sunday, April 22, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Oh really Pat? Oh really?!
Check this stuff out:
http://www.baldrus.com/images/sconnery.gif
Stick that in your juicebox and suck it.
Monday, April 23, 2007 at 10:07 am
So I like this post. Except for that track remark. Not everyone can pole vault. At least not as well as me, I think I might be the best… yup, I’m the best.
Monday, April 23, 2007 at 5:45 pm
going through hellish practices day in and day out, year round (not only hour+ runs, but also constant upper body weightlifting, etc) and forcing your body to sprint a 4:10 mile is a whole lot harder than prancing (and receiving numerous breaks) around a soccer field kicking large balls. =p
although sprinting isn’t a sport. you just have to be black. same with field events
Monday, April 23, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Corinne, if you had to choose someone besides you to be the best at track and field, who would it be?
Monday, April 23, 2007 at 9:55 pm
ouch. and yo can you actually sprint a mile in 4:10? cause I can do a 4:50. adn it’s bloody murder
Tuesday, April 24, 2007 at 5:39 pm
boony, clearly its me
Thursday, April 26, 2007 at 8:15 am
1 1 2 wey the trevah brew
Wednesday, July 11, 2007 at 5:39 pm
[...] my intense training rules and specific directions, your douche bagginess can range from that of Jason Garfield to that of Bill [...]
Thursday, August 23, 2007 at 1:07 am
ok, I am a juggler, so I do know how hard it REALY is, however, I do agree that Garfield is a douche bag, who gives the rest of us a bad name. there are much better jugglers in the world, (I have met some) but they don’t compete, because they do it for the fun, not fame. in the first video, Garfield goes on to juggle 7 balls (his greatest achievement) I have seen people juggle TEN!!
But I do need to point out that the rest of us know that there are better jugglers than us, and Garfield is the one and only exception. the statement “1. If you juggle, you’re a douche bag” is a point of view held only by those who:
1: have never actually met a juggler face to face
2: have never tried to juggle, and
3: have no understanding of the required level of co-ordination.
juggling is among the most difficult skills to be developed. rugby and gridiron for example, can be learned in a day. poll vaulting IS achievable for almost every one, in only a few hours tops, and if you can kick a ball, you can play soccer. all of these sports don’t change. you can run faster, jump higher, or kick further, but they still don’t change. the whole point of juggling is that THERE ARE NO RULES. it is constantly developing. knew patterns are invented, more balls are added, and new paths are explored.
Can you play soccer with 3 balls? can you poll vault with 3 people on one poll? can you run a mile in 4:50 IN REVERSE?
i think not…
So, what is it exactly, that makes a sport? Number of people? Iv seen large groups pass juggling. Is it a poticular set of rulse or guidelines? JUGGLING may not have rulse, but the turnaments DO. So, whats the problem?
Homeless children in packistan play cricket, so does that mean crickets not a sport?
You said: “As you watch, notice now Jason can’t stand being ignored, and how he seems to be defending juggling, claiming that it’s an athletic sport, where in reality it’s something poor people do on the street.”
The suggestion that its just something poor people do to amuse themselves, can easily be undone by the fact that there is a man in Sydney who juggles on the street 9 till 5, Monday to Friday, who earns $14000 Australian in a good week, and $7000 in a bad one. that’s a gross income of between $300,000,00, and $700,000,00. And you sey that’s poor? What do YOU get from your nine till five? Yes, he IS doing it on the street, but he is far from poor. I DO know people who ARENT doing it on the street (myself included), we juggle for a veriety of functions, from childrens partys, to hollywood movie productions, and evan at royal balls, and generaly charge a minimum of $50 AUD/hour (for kids parties), up to several thousand. It is something that takes years to develop, and long hours to perfect a rutine. (though admittedly Garfield’s weightlifting is a waste of time)
Finally, the whole juggling community is judged on the antics of one ars whole, only by the TRUE king of douche bagdom.
Thursday, August 23, 2007 at 11:15 am
Okay Kyle, I didn’t take time out of my day to read all of your novel, but from what I did read I figured that you should know somethings.
First off, I do juggle. Granted, I can only juggle three balls, and that is partly because I don’t have the modivation to juggle four and because I have noted that the more balls your juggle, the more you act like Jason Garfield. With my three balls I can do many tricks and I am extremely modest about it. Note how I’m not saying I’m better than you. Also, you should know that I’m better than you.
Secondly, you not only start acting like juggling is a sport, but also claim that it takes more than a day to learn. This so not true, because this summer I taught a guy to juggle in 12 hours, which is less time than it takes to learn to pole vault.
I didn’t even bother reading your whole lechure on income because if you are forced to make a living off of juggling you clearly flunked out of school. You also mentioned that juggling didn’t have rules (“the whole point of juggling is that THERE ARE NO RULES”). If this is true, then please explain why juggling.org has a page of rules and records.
I don’t want to tear into you too much, Luke, because I like how you agreed with me on the entire point of the article; that Jason Garfield is a douchebag. I wish you well on your juggling adventure, but I advise you to take a look at the rules.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 5:49 pm
I can pole vault and that means I can juggle MYSELF!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Not only can I not juggle, but I learned how to not juggle in well over 23 minutes. I am not trying say that I am the best not able to juggle juggler, but if I were to apply myself less fully I believe I could surpass Jason Garfield’s ability to juggle with my inability to juggle. I am even more sure about my ability to be less of a douchebag than Sugar Jason Garfield. Though I have been called a douche on occasion, I have never been labeled a Douche BAG. I can only assume that this has something to do with the presence of hair upon not only my head but on the rest of my body as well (sort of a bareback Robin Williams).
Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 1:56 am
Ah! I love Ad Hominem. I also love supposed ‘facts’ that can never be proven, because they are opinion-based, and are used as the basis for an argument.
Good job you guys, keep it up. Sounds like every other Forum, except Godwin’s Law has not gone into effect yet.
Sunday, November 4, 2007 at 8:28 pm
i learned to poll vault in less then 5 minuts. a vaulter said “you do it like this.” then she did it. then i did it. dont ask how high, coz i dont know. flip side, took me two years to reach 20 succesful throws of a 3 ball cascade. and the only rulse i could find on juggling.org was about fire eating. wich by the way, i have done, and do not recomend. i once had a fire ball roll down my throat still burning. not pleasant. and its not a form of juggling anyway. i did find records, but no rules. i also finished school with fine marks, and gone on do more study at TAFE, but have found nothing i enjoy as much as juggling. shood i take up juggling as a profeccion, it would be to have a job i enjoy, wich takes me all over the world, wile my frends sit at a dest in an office building, doing other peoples paper work, for very litle money (by comparason) day arfter day erfter day, and naver see more than there own back yard due to the fact that they spent the first 26 years doing nothing with there lives and by that time had no money at all to live on.
looking back though, my last comment was a novel wasnt it?
Tuesday, December 4, 2007 at 12:24 pm
CAN I BE YOUR DOUCHEBAG OF ZE DAY?
I LOOK LIKE A FISH.
OK
EMAIL ME AND ILL SEND YOU A PIC
Sunday, March 2, 2008 at 4:03 pm
You make a complete fool of yourself criticizing Jason Garfield like this. Do you realize that the first video is a competitor’s profile? Every pro sportsman claims to be the best… just because they are confident. Also I really, really, really doubt that you know Jason personal, or that you have actually met him once. You probably only know him from internet movies.
I’m not calling you a douchebag… you made yourself a douchebag by writing such a pathetic article.
Sunday, March 2, 2008 at 4:16 pm
It seems to me that you think just because you can juggle 3 balls, you know enough to say all jugglers are douchebag. Just because its true, in your case, doesn’t mean the rest of us are jugglers.
1. If you juggle, you’re a douchebag
2. If you think juggling, cheerleading, track, and poker are sports, you’re a douchebag
3. If you work out believing that it makes you a better juggler, you’re a douchebag
1. Well thats just crazy. Juggling is a much better way to spend your time than writing a blog.
2. Out of interest, what would you define is a sport? Would you say wrestling is a sport? Juggling in a competition is just as much of a sport as that. It tests your ability at a certain skill, against competitors.
3. working out helps stamina and makes it easier to juggler more objects for longer, so of course it makes you a better juggler. If you ever try juggling clubs, they can really tire your arms out after a while.
Also,: “With my three balls I can do many tricks and I am extremely modest about it. Note how I’m not saying I’m better than you. Also, you should know that I’m better than you.”
Whats that all about? You think that because you can juggle 3 balls, you’re better than someone who juggles professionally? Learn to juggle more balls, and some siteswaps. Once you put the effort in, then you’re allowed to criticize jugglers.
Sunday, March 2, 2008 at 5:09 pm
This is completely rediculous.
First, you claim Jason Garfield to be a douche bag off of what he has said in a couple videos you watched. Obviously you’ve been too ignorant to check out that this is mostly his STAGE CHARACTER and not his actual persona. Also, this was in 2004, and back then, he could actually claim to be the best juggler at that event. That’s a fact. NOW is something different; now he doesn’t even claim to be ONE OF the best.
I think one of the reasons that he may seem annoyed by being ignored, is that jugglers don’t get even close to as much attention, recognition, and respect as, for example, a good basketball player. For someone who does juggling as much as Jason, for as long as Jason, and as well as Jason, the fact that so few people “care” about it, changes the way he acts when someone is talking to him on this subject. This will often apply to other jugglers – can you see people ignoring Michael Jordan and assuming he is a hippie performing basket ball tricks on the street?
Also, you are saying juggling is something for poor people to do in the street. I, for one, have never seen a poor person juggle on the street. Poor people sit there with their cups and busted legs and hope you give them some coins. Juggling is, in fact, and athletic activity, and if you consider golf a sport, juggling is way beyond that.
Now we can come to the three points you are listing.
1. If you juggle, you’re a douchebag
2. If you think juggling, cheerleading, track, and poker are sports, you’re a douchebag
3. If you work out believing that it makes you a better juggler, you’re a douchebag
1. That is the stupidest thing I ever heard. All the jugglers I have ever met, fall into the category of the nicest people I have ever met. Easily, that means jugglers are nice people and not douchebags. And yes, when I met Jason Garfield, I could not think of saying anything negative about him. Watching “WJF4 – the lost tapes” you can see that a lot of people agree with me.
2. That’s the second stupidest thing I ever heard, I think. At least it’s close to the top of the list. Have you ever considered that all of those can be percieved as a sport? Do you maybe think “writing a blog ranting about things I have no clue about and thinking I know everything” is equal to “not being a douchebag” or, for that matter, “having a life(which, by the way, jugglers have to a far extent more than you seem to have)”?
3. Of course not. That’s like saying “if you work out thinking it will make you stronger, you are a douchebag”. How on earth does that make sense? In no way, I tell you. Physical strength is a big part of juggling, and if you claim that to be nonsense, I hereby declare running something that makes you fat.
Seriously, do you in fact have any idea about what you just wrote this blog about? I mean, yes, of course Bush is retarded, we all know that. But I wouldn’t write a blog entry on him just for that – I don’t have the details on him, and you don’t have the details on juggling or even just Jason Garfield.
Sunday, March 2, 2008 at 7:23 pm
You are obviously too retarded to understand Jason Garfield. I cannot believe I wasted the time to read that mindless trash. It actually frightens me that people like you actually exist. Just shut up and keep all your stupid thoughts to yourself.
Sunday, March 2, 2008 at 7:25 pm
mate you are such an ignorant prick i am at a loss for words. you know nothing.
Sunday, March 2, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I just love it when ignorant people write about something they have no clue about!
You are the biggest douche bag I have met, I have never seen a blog as bad as yours, nicely done!
Oh and finally:
1. If you write blogs, youre a douchebag.
2. If you think writing blogs is a good use of time, youre a douchebag.
3. If you think writing blogs will get you more attention, youre a douchebag.
Monday, March 3, 2008 at 9:34 am
Oh wow… I can’t believe that someone who writes blogs and claims to watch juggling has such a profound lack of understanding of irony and argumentation.
I aplaud you my good man. You have just wasted your a part life writing a rant that is utter bullshit.
Monday, March 3, 2008 at 9:36 am
Oh and get your facts straight. Unless of course you’re just doing this to piss people off.
Thursday, March 27, 2008 at 6:24 pm
I would like to see you call Jason Garfield a douchebag to his face, because you will then become a punchbag.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I am a competent five ball juggler. I am not a douchebag. But I have personally met Jason Garfield and I can honestly say he is the biggest douchebag I have ever met. He went into a ‘roid rage that was unbelievable. I would call him a douchebag to his face but I do treasure life and he was close to homicidal. The thing about his defenders makes me understand why Hitler and Mussolini always had friends and defenders. Some people are weak and are attracted to ego- maniacs.
Friday, July 24, 2009 at 6:28 pm
[...] my intense training rules and specific directions, your douche bagginess can range from that of Jason Garfield to that of Bill [...]