Comedy Corner

Today I am here to discuss the unlimited amount of humor that can be found in religion. Whether you’re Jewish, Muslim, Christian, or that weird type of religion where you God has 82 arms, you can make fun of your beliefs. I don’t talk about the comedy found in religion for a few reasons:

1. Just in case I still stand a small chance of getting into Heaven, I don’t want to ruin that opportunity by calling God a “snot face poser.”
2. Making fun of religion may upset some very powerful people like, for example, The Pope.

I personally don’t believe in God, however I do believe in Jesus. I simply don’t view Jesus as the all-seeing, water-walking, son-of-God he was portrayed as. In my mind, Jesus was just a poor carpenter who found that he was able to gain fame by posing as the messenger of God. Hell, I’m willing to bet that—given the opportunity—Jesus wouldn’t hesitate to marry a rich singer and the mooch off her to build his own career before impregnating her and causing her to shave her head and go into rehab.

Oh yeah, that’s another thing: Jesus didn’t have a child. Get over it. And if Jesus did have a kid, not only would he/she have been mentioned in the bible, but he/she would have had kids. And then their kids would have had kids, and in a span of two thousand years over 20 generations of Jesus would have been spread across the land. With that many “Mini Js” running around, anyone could be related to Jesus! And I know that I speak for everyone when I say that once you’re related to someone, they quickly lose their appeal; the prime example of that being everyone in my chaotic family.

In a recent post, I made fun of people who feel that they are guaranteed a spot in Heaven by preaching the word of God. I am not here to lecture you on “God’s word,” nor do I intend to share my religious views with everyone. This is because scientists recently discovered that the amount you talk to people about religion is directly proportional to how much you cry yourself to sleep. Instead, I am going to poke fun at some of the major religions and how they deal with major obstacles like war, science, and Sean Connery.

NOTE: If you are religious and actually feel that reading this will disrupt your peace with God, I suggest you kill yourself now.

Because is the only thing I really know, and I don’t want to get a thousand emails from angry Jewish people insulted that I would make fun of their ways, I am going to make fun of Christianity; specifically Catholicism. Rumors have it that Catholics are the strictest, meanest, and most devote servants of God. And to insure that their beliefs were no longer taunted by others (“Catholics and God, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G”), they hired a Pope who was in Nazi Youth. I mean, you couldn’t possibly be deemed a stronger Christian after participating in the holocaust of six million Jews. The only thing I’m scared about is that he’ll read this and have me put in a gas chamber along with a hundred other Pope-haters. It’s no matter though, because the man’s already 183 years old and he’ll be gone in a few years.

Why don’t they choose a young Pope? They just chose this guys that is older than hair, and they’re going to have to go through the tedious process again very soon. And for all we know, the next Pope could be in the Klu Klutx Klan. That is why I am officially nominating myself for the next Pope. I’m not sure what the qualifications are for being the quintessence of Christianity, but I will “toot my own horn” in saying that I have quite a résumé. I have a 10th grade education, I can juggle and play piano (not at the same time), and I love children; but I will say that I don’t like kids as much as the modern day priests do [oH DiiP]. And although I am not part of Nazi Youth or any strong white supremacy group, I am a proud member of John Brown’s Ghetto Revival.

Have any of the Popes ever been assassinated? I was under the impression that—and maybe I’m just being an ignorant American—America is the best nation in the entire world. Also, I understand that the president of the United States is the most powerful man on earth. Everything that happens to the president ultimately affects everyone. For example, when President Taylor died of milk poisoning is 1850, historians recorded that everyone on earth suffered from serious stomach aches and needed to lie down. Likewise, when President Roosevelt came down with polio, native villages in Cambodia lost the ability to walk. Today, the President’s traits still play a major role in the world’s functions. Unfortunately, that means that the major world leaders now have a GPA of 2.4, but hopefully that will change in 2008.

My point is that over the years, four U.S. Presidents have been assassinated. So how many Popes have been shot/poisoned/beheaded? Because if I become Pope and I get shot, I will have you smited so God damn fast it will make your head spin.

But then again, it’s not like someone is stupid enough to assassinate him. Because besides burning eternally in Hell, killing the Pope would probably upset many people like, for example, the entire Christian society. And if they ever captured you—which they would, because they have God on their side, and the only person who can defeat God is Chuck Norris, and he lives in Ohio, not the Vatican—they would use their notorious, century-old form of judicial discipline that would find the respectable punishment appropriate for the crime.

“KILL HIM!” they would yell, forming an angry Christian riot; “Rip his head off!” One man would throw an angry Christian brick at a building and howl “Pluck his toenails out with a rusty plier!” Another man waving an angry Christian torch would holler “Make him lick sick cats!” A third man wielding an angry Christian pitchfork would scream “Make him listen to Madonna!” But the mob wouldn’t do that, because even angry Christians aren’t that cruel.

Besides the constant fear of someone murdering the Pope and causing a brigade of angry Christians (which would undoubtedly lead to thousands of harsh wrist slaps with yardsticks), the Catholic Church is forced to continuously battle the bastard scientists disproving religion with science. We’re learning about evolution right now in science, and when I brought up the conflict between the Catholic Church and evolution, my teacher already had an answer ready:

The Catholics don’t completely disregard the Theory of Evolution. They agree with all the science going towards the development of mankind and everything Darwin proved, they just believe that it was God who put that original cell there to start evolution.

You hear that you misguided nonbelievers?! The almighty man who watches over us; the strong, all-powerful God that created man, woman and beast; the omniscious decider of all our fates; the man we build millions of churches to worship and praise; the man who has guided an unimaginable number of people from the wrong choice; this all-seeing man in the sky who we find ourselves too pitiful to even compare ourselves to, put a cell on earth. And not even a bunch of cells; one cell.

Well you Catholic bastards, I have one thing to say to you: Give Up. Science has negated everything that religion ever had to offer. Back in the times of the Ancient Egyptians, Gods were used to explain things that people had no knowledge of, like earthquakes, tornados, and Donald Trump’s hair. Nowadays, we know that earthquakes are mainly caused by shifting fault lines, tornados are due to different air temperatures colliding, and Donald Trump’s hair is used to hide his devil horns.

In case you still don’t believe me, I would like to give you beautiful example that could not have helped me more. Today is Easter, which is a day dedicated to the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the “son of God.” I went to church today with my dad for a few reasons.

1. I wanted to see how my priest would be able to explain the “resurrection” of Jesus after the recent discovery of his supposed bones.
2. My dad made me.

I must say that my priest handled it very nicely. He got up to his podium, took a deep breath, and probably thought “how the hell am I gunna get outta this?” but he did well. I was too tired and uncomfortable to actually write it down, so I will just summarize what he said to explain how the bible’s written word of Jesus’ rebirth can harmonically work with his uncovered bones.

The news has been making a big deal of the recent unearthing of a tomb that is said to possess scriptures with the names of Jesus and some of his apostle’s names. If this is true, how to you think it will affect the Christian community? How will everyone react on a day like today if, in fact, Jesus did not rise from the dead? Well the answer depends on how much you believe. Jesus was a mortal, he was only one man. So besides the fact that the bible states that the stone was rolled away and there were two angels, as well as multiple Jesus sightings after his death, you have to know was resurrection means to people. Although he may not have physically risen from his death, he did rise for Christianity. Just because his bones are in the tomb doesn’t mean he didn’t rise out the feeling for people that everyone day has. He inspired everyone and changed the ways of modern society not because he was resurrected, but because he stood for what is right. In short, Jesus had risen before he was even dead.

I don’t know whether my priest wrote those words himself, or if he went to a massive pastor meeting in which they were all given hand-outs and told to preach to their congregation, but I do know one thing: They lost. Once again, science disconfirmed religion, and now Christianity—who built their entire religion around the resurrection of one man—has to go back and reword everything they’ve been preaching for a thousand years.

“Did we say ‘resurrection’?” they’d ask dumbfounded; “We meant ‘interjection’! Yeah, turns out Jesus was just yelling really loud when he died, and there was a mix-up in the translation.”

In time, we will abandon religion altogether, no one will even mention God again, and all the little Mexican kids named Jesus will be banished from their community and probably spit on. Fearing this, the churches saw that they needed to find a way to keep the belief of a greater being alive, and this is why we have Scientology.

No, scientology is not just a made up religion on South Park used to exploit Tom Cruise’s sexuality and make fun of R. Kelly’s Trapped In A Closet; it is an actual belief. According to scientology.org, scientology is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life. The religion comprises a body of knowledge extending from certain fundamental truths. And I sincerely apologize for sending you the link to the website, because I past experiences have proved that people will believe anything they read, my prime examples being the “List Of Reasons Why Tupac Is Still Alive,” and the bible.

Scientology—scien meaning “the ability to believe,” and ology meaning “anything people tell you”—is basically a big scam from this guy L. Ron Hubbard, but it is the only “religion” I could find that accepted science. The basis of the faith is that people have “thetan” levels, and the measurements of a certain person’s thetan will determine their emotional stability, success rate, and gas mileage. As interesting as this sounds, I do not suggest even considering joining scientology, because accepting the faith is know to cause you to jump on Oprah’s couch.

The best we can do is wish Catholicism, Scientology, and all the other religions the best of luck in fighting science, and on Easter day we can all join together and say the same prayer. A prayer that works no matter who you are, where you are, or who you worship. So join with me as we bow our heads in prayer and remember the man who taught us to say:

Halleluiah Holla Back