There are few things that are essential to life. They include oxygen, water, sunlight, and 10th grade advanced biology. In Elementary School and Middle School, science consisted of learning the same things each year over and over again, only having the words annually grow larger and larger. (Example: The word we learned as “lava” in 3rd grade is now “Ajeductivingous conservacious”). In High School, however, you begin to learn about long words that have no short synonyms, and that can only be abbreviated with confusing symbols (Example: mendelevium is the alpha bombardment of Einsteinium, and is Abbreviated Md, and will not be confused with other elements labeled Mm, Mo, Mg, or PiMp). These long words represent tiny little microscopic elements, some of which don’t even exist on this earth! Apparently the science department is convinced that in order for our lives to continue painlessly, it is absolutely necessary to know the names of every element as well as its atomic number, atomic weight, and density.
In science we just learned about cellular respiration. Cellular respiration is the process in which cells “breath in” the oxygen and glucose, and release carbon and glucose (as well as energy, but only if you had a pixie stick). Now, if they had just told us that, I would have been able to pack up my book and leave the class feeling accomplished and educated. But some highly-paid, suit-wearing, baby-slaughtering government official thought that it unbelievably essential for every student to graduate 10th grade knowing exactly how cellular respiration actually works. So here, my friends, is how the art of cells breathing.
Note: All of the below information was derived from James Mazzola’s notes, so there’s not guarantee that it’s correct.
After the process of photosynthesis (which was called “plants living” in 3rd grade, but has graduated to a bigger name), a bunch of oxygen is left in the air, along with glucose (which is the scientific word for sugar). In order to prevent the world from exploding (like if you put too much oxygen into a balloon) humans were invented to inhale the oxygen and save mankind. With us inhaling all the oxygen and releasing things like carbon dioxide, water, energy, bad breath, etc. the entire earth works in harmony. You could even go as far to say that if it wasn’t for humans, none of us would be here right now.
Even knowing this confusing information isn’t enough for us honor students, so our science teachers continue to teach us more. So now in science, we’re learning about these tiny microscopic molecules that help in the process of transferring oxygen to carbon. To give you an idea about how small these molecules actually are, over 17 million billion trillion zillion shmillion gazillion brillion frazillion karillion wintillion Brazilian emintillion thillion of them can fit on Nichole Richie. In cellular respiration, these molecules travel through the Electron Transport System, which is like a long highway located in the inner mitochondrial membrane. Here, the glucose molecules travel up to speeds of 2,500 miles an hour (like the Autobahn) until they collide and split into 36 pieces (like what happens on the Autobahn) and get into such a disagreement that they key each other’s transport system (like in all of Europe). These 36 pieces are called Adenosine triphosphate, or ATP, and they are usually the type of molecules that just stare at the damage done to their vehicle and refuse to trade their information with the other 36 ATP created by the other crash. Luckily, like a good neighbor, State Farm is there, and all the confusion is sorted out before all 72 ATP molecules—along with the other 34578439523489257429738652438756293487562938745629387456298347652934875623 molecules that are being created every thousandth of a second—travel to the DMV (provided that our molecules have to go through the same torment as we do) in which they become 216 carbon molecules. This is not only why the DMV is so crowded, but also why 30% of Americans are addicted to crystal meth.
The 216 carbon molecules are then released out of our system after we breath out, releasing CO2 for plants to breath. This, of course, makes the world go round and is also the leading cause of suicide.
The word “science” is derived from the Latin word “ciencias” which literally translates to “crap we don’t need to know.” I am constantly preaching about how the stuff we learn in math and Spanish will never be used in the real world
Boss- Johnson, I need you to find the quadratic equation based upon the factored form of these matrices.
Johnson- But sir, I work in marketing.
Boss- Hace claor en el verano.
Johnson- What?
but I believe that science is truly the God of pointless crap. This week in science we’re learning about how the cell summons the ATP molecules (that would originally be traveling to your muscles to provide oxygen) to your brain and heart to prevent you from dieing. This is why when we do physical activity, we get—scientifically speaking of course—“A crapload of cramps.” I think that is my cells were to summon anything from my muscles, it would have to be a level 64 wizard.
Or as they call it in the scientific world: wizadous pownous madious noobos.
