Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Mr. T Facts
Okay, I just thought that I’d put it to rest. There have been millions of these “facts” about Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Mr T. going around the internet, and I have even embraced the funny ones for Chuck Norris and posted them. I just thought that (if this is the only site you go to for comedy) I should entertain you with the best of the best. So here we are, the top 20 jokes about Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Mr. T.
Note: This are by no way the “top 20 facts around the world.” They are the top 20 in my book. If you were to look up the top facts for these guys you would get the one Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. This one is so old that it has lost it’s comedy (like Bill Cosby). Now that you have realized that, I can continue:
- If you pause Lion King at a certain point, Vin Diesel can clearly be seen shitting on Simba
- When Mr. T and I play chess, he pities my king so hard that it check-mates itself so that it’ll all be over
- Chuck Norris once kicked a man so hard, it killed all of his extended family and most of his friends
- While playing Chutes and Ladders, Vin Diesel treats the chutes as ladders, because he’s not some pussy who can’t climb up a plastic slide
- There is a rumor that when Vin Diesel was 8 he wanted to be a fireman. This is false, because Vin Diesel was never 8.
- Chuck Norris is so fast, he once ripped a man’s beating heart out of his chest, showed it to him, sliced it in two with a ridiculous karate chop, put it in a pot with some nice onions and celery, cooked it, ate it, shit it out, and took the whole shitty mess filled with bits of beating heart and veggies, and shoved it back into the still standing man. The dude died, but it was cool
- Mr. T was born with the right to party, whereas most of us are forced to fight for it
- If while sitting in class you look beside you, behind you, or in front of you, Chuck Norris had sex with that kid’s mother
- Chuck Norris’ penis is only 2 inches . . . . . from the ground
- Vin Diesel is forced to carry a baseball bat every time he goes to the bathroom, just in case he craps out a wild cat and has to beat it to death
- Contrary to popular belief, Vin Diesel inspired the TV series “MacGyver” when he managed to construct a cell phone out of only the blood of his enemies’ children, his pure hatred for the weak, and a cell phone.
- Mr. T once fell in a pool of lava. He nearly drowned
- Chuck Norris once killed two stones with one bird
- Vin Diesel has no concept of time, and if you go to his house you won’t find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it’s getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
- Chuck Norris has two kittens . . . every night for dinner
- Mr. T has the heart of a small child. He keeps it in his toaster
- Chuck Norris’ action figure has slept with more women than most men
- Every night, Vin Diesel does 700 push ups and punches himself in the face until he passes out
- Mr. T was recently the only survivor in a huge car crash including a 18 wheeler and 4 Hummers. Mr. T was walking at the time
- Vin Diesel once made a profit of $2,783 dollars when he opened a lemonade stand . . . in Feburary.
i really loved your site and found it to be very friendly and helpfull.
see it started at the park,used to chill after dar. Liana Merete.
here are som of my favorites_
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
Chuck Norris doesn’t pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
When Chuck Norris goes cow-tipping, he lifts a cow up and drop kicks it into the neighboring farm. All the other cows simply tip themselves over to keep from having to walk back in the dark.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn’t win an Oscar for his performance in “Sidekicks” is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That’s just suicide.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
freakin awesome dude or dousche bag.
when chuck norris does push-ups he doesnt push himself uphe pushes the earth down
[...] 1. Anytime you see a guy holding a purse for his girlfriend, ask him if that’s where he keeps his testicles. 2. Whenever a girl is being bitchy, call her the “Queen of Mean” and then sarcastically respond “yes your highness” to everything she says. 3. Chuck Norris Jokes. But not lame ones like “Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer,” you need quality ones like these. [...]
you are the worlds biggest faggot, may god have mercy on your retarded soul