Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Mr. T Facts

Okay, I just thought that I’d put it to rest.  There have been millions of these “facts” about Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Mr T. going around the internet, and I have even embraced the funny ones for Chuck Norris and posted them.  I just thought that (if this is the only site you go to for comedy) I should entertain you with the best of the best.  So here we are, the top 20 jokes about Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Mr. T.

Note: This are by no way the “top 20 facts around the world.”  They are the top 20 in my book.  If you were to look up the top facts for these guys you would get the one Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer.  Too bad he never cries.  This one is so old that it has lost it’s comedy (like Bill Cosby).  Now that you have realized that, I can continue:

  • If you pause Lion King at a certain point, Vin Diesel can clearly be seen shitting on Simba
  • When Mr. T and I play chess, he pities my king so hard that it check-mates itself so that it’ll all be over
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a man so hard, it killed all of his extended family and most of his friends
  • While playing Chutes and Ladders, Vin Diesel treats the chutes as ladders, because he’s not some pussy who can’t climb up a plastic slide
  • There is a rumor that when Vin Diesel was 8 he wanted to be a fireman.  This is false, because Vin Diesel was never 8.
  • Chuck Norris is so fast, he once ripped a man’s beating heart out of his chest, showed it to him, sliced it in two with a ridiculous karate chop, put it in a pot with some nice onions and celery, cooked it, ate it, shit it out, and took the whole shitty mess filled with bits of beating heart and veggies, and shoved it back into the still standing man. The dude died, but it was cool
  • Mr. T was born with the right to party, whereas most of us are forced to fight for it
  • If while sitting in class you look beside you, behind you, or in front of you, Chuck Norris had sex with that kid’s mother
  • Chuck Norris’ penis is only 2 inches . . . . . from the ground
  • Vin Diesel is forced to carry a baseball bat every time he goes to the bathroom, just in case he craps out a wild cat and has to beat it to death
  • Contrary to popular belief, Vin Diesel inspired the TV series “MacGyver” when he managed to construct a cell phone out of only the blood of his enemies’ children, his pure hatred for the weak, and a cell phone.
  • Mr. T once fell in a pool of lava.  He nearly drowned
  • Chuck Norris once killed two stones with one bird
  • Vin Diesel has no concept of time, and if you go to his house you won’t find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it’s getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
  • Chuck Norris has two kittens . . . every night for dinner
  • Mr. T has the heart of a small child.  He keeps it in his toaster
  • Chuck Norris’ action figure has slept with more women than most men
  • Every night, Vin Diesel does 700 push ups and punches himself in the face until he passes out
  • Mr. T was recently the only survivor in a huge car crash including a 18 wheeler and 4 Hummers.  Mr. T was walking at the time
  • Vin Diesel once made a profit of $2,783 dollars when he opened a lemonade stand . . . in Feburary.

23 Comments

Filed under Chuck Norris Jokes

23 responses to “Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Mr. T Facts

  1. tip

    i really loved your site and found it to be very friendly and helpfull.

  2. see it started at the park,used to chill after dar. Liana Merete.

  3. alana

    here are som of my favorites_

    To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

    When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

    Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

    Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

    Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

    If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”

    Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

    Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

    Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

    When Chuck Norris goes cow-tipping, he lifts a cow up and drop kicks it into the neighboring farm. All the other cows simply tip themselves over to keep from having to walk back in the dark.

    M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

    The only reason Chuck Norris didn’t win an Oscar for his performance in “Sidekicks” is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That’s just suicide.
    Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

  4. freakin awesome dude or dousche bag.

    when chuck norris does push-ups he doesnt push himself uphe pushes the earth down

  5. Pingback: 25 Ways To Annoy Everyone Around You « Comedy Corner

  6. fucking ur mom while writing this

    you are the worlds biggest faggot, may god have mercy on your retarded soul

  7. Pingback: My Realest, Illest, & Truest Thoughts… » Blog Archive » …birthday recap…

  8. jjohn4

    Chuck Norris’s tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

  9. Alex P. Laredo

    http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/mr%20t%20brought%20boy%20out%20of%20coma_1063981

    And documented proof that Mr. T cures comas!

    Of course, if it had been Chuck Norris, the kid would have never slept again.

  10. Perfect site :-) I will recommend it to all my friends and fans

  11. Cameron

    u forgot the vin diesel facts… (such as)
    ————————————————-
    vin diesel once shot down three planes, simply by pointing his finger at them and saying bang.

    vin diesel’s name decoded actuelly spells
    i end lives. (check it if u think im a lier)

    vin diesel invented the hammer because he got tired of using his forehead to bash nails into wood.

    vin diesel was supposed to die in 2005 but never did because he broke death’s fingers and stole his sythe… guess what he does for holloween.

    vin diesel never got hit by a train…but the train got hit by vin diesel.

    “the look” vin diesel gives peaple has been known to cause unexplained deaths.

    vin diesel can see john cena.

    vin deisel can “try this at home”

    vin diesel walked through the town with a full erection…there were no survivors

  12. AARON

    Vin Diesel???? COME ON, THE PACIFIER, YEAH HE’S TOUGH! Vin Diesel HAS NOTHING ON CHUCK NORRIS OR MR. T. YOU TAKE ALL OF Vin Diesel MOVIES AND PUT THEM ALL IN ONE DVD DISC, WOW RIGHT . WELL NO CAUSE U CAN THEN TAKE CHUCK NORRIS AND MR. T AND PUT THEM BOTH IN ONE ROOM AND YOU HAVE YOUR SELF A MASTERPIECE.

  13. For some reason only 50 % from the article is being viewable, is it my personal browser or the web-site?

  14. mzie

    These jokes are totally hilarious!!!!

  15. David

    What happens when an Unstoppable Force meets an Immovable Object? Just ask Chuck Norris and Mr. T.

    Mr. T was the original black power ranger.

    Chuck Norris is the leading cause of deaths in America

  16. Someone necessarily assist to make critically posts I would
    state. This is the very first time I frequented your web page and thus far?
    I surprised with the research you made to create this actual post extraordinary.
    Great job!

  17. ayisbonga

    everytime chuck norris goes to the beach he does 2 laps

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