Comedy Corner

Being a (future) comedian, you have to learn that in order to be very very funny, you have to find a way to make fun of everyone around you.  If someone has an abnormaly large head, you must be able to quickly make fun of them until they are sucking their thumb, curled up in a ball in the corner.  And it is only then that you can make fun of yourself a little.  I rarely make fun of myself for a few reasons

1. Making fun of yourself lowers self esteem, whereas making fun of others boosts your ego
2. Making fun of other people and things is soooo much easier
3. I basically the best looking person in the entire world.

But for the first time in history, I am going to break the make-fun-of-other-people-and-not-yourself-because-your-self-concious chain, and personally rag on myself.

Q: How are you going to make fun of yourself?

A: Shut up, I’m getting to that.

I, for one, love to hand out nicknames.  I do this for a bunch of reasons.  I think that a person with a kickass nickname (or a kickname) will do better in society and give much stronger first impressions.  The second reason is because I can’t remember real names.  Just the other day I was walking down the school halls and I saw this BABE that I remember from a party I went to, but I couldn’t remember her name and therefore wasn’t able to talk to her.  Well, if I had given this girl a nickname like “Tig Ol’ Bitties” I would have been able to calmly walk up to her and greet her casually.

But my amazing nicknames didn’t just come to me over night (like pubic hair).  Oh no, I was forced to go through painful years of nickname training before I decided how to assign the best names to people.  I will now present to you my timeline of nicknames:

2002, 6th grade:  I decided it would be really cool to call everyone by their last name.  Everyone I met, knew, and saw were immediatly tagged by their last name, regardless of how cool their first name was:

Blaze Greenive= Greenive

Julia Yourt= Yourt

Some of the nicknames established at this time are still in use today, but only a rare few.

2003, 7th Grade:  Now that I was a 7th grader, my eyes were suddenly opened to the art of “rhyming” and thought the coolest nicknames were those that rhymed with the person’s last name:

Blaze Greenive= Beehive

Julia Yourt= Court

This nickname scheme sadly didn’t last long, because people, like me, had last names that didn’t rhyme with anything.  So if a person had a last name like “McDonald” they could only be called Ronald, and no one wants that as a nickname.  Luckily, this phase passed by because:

2004, 8th Grade:  I believe it was towards the end of 8th grade when I started getting into the swing of “kicknames.”  Around this time I started calling people by their first name initial, follwed by their last name:

Blaze Greenive= B-Greenive

Julia Yourt= J-Yourt

As you can see by these examples, this nickname style only worked for people with short last names, which is why only two remain today.  They are David Young (D-Young) and Conor Ward (C-Ward).  I’m 94% sure that I didn’t invent this type of nickname, but it did open the door for the newest (and one of the best) nickname stlyes to ever be invented.

2005, 9th Grade: Based off of the “First Initial” scheme in 8th grade (which later carried on into some of 9th grade) this style took the first letter of the first name, and substituted it with the first letter of the last name:

Blaze Greenive= Breenive

Julia Yourt= Jourt

But there are also wierd exceptions to this rule, such as if your last name starts with a vowel, you simply put your first name initial in front of it

Thomas Eaning= Teaning

This nickname style comes from Highschool Slang in which you combind the words of everything you say, and even though no one understands you, it’s cool.

“Wude, Tarty Light Wickass”
Wow dude, that party last night was kickass

But, growing bored of the same combination of initials and names, I decided it would be better off to have . . .

2006, 10th Grade:  Random Nicknames.  It’s probably the best idea in the world.  Think about it.  You’re faced with a kid who’s name is Samuel Wayne, and instead of sorting out the combinations of initials and names (Swayne, Sayne, S-Wayne) you can simply call the kid “Fudge” and continue.

This past summer I counsiled Adventure Camp to get my community service done, and in doing it I met all these little kids.  They were small punks who walked into camp thinking they were all that, and when it was time for attendance, we discovered that 76% of them were named Jimmy.  So me, instead of wasting time and effort calculating initials and names, handed out the following nicknames to kids:

• Tinker Toys
• Blue (he was my boy)
• TI
• Blue Germany
• Lincoln Logs
• Zack Attack
• Dr. Phil
• Jimbo
• Mr. T

Throughout the two weeks, these kids forgot their old names and started to respond to their “kicknames.”

I would like to say that this is the end of my Nickname Timeline, but there is (sadly) one more entry that I am not very proud of, but I believe must be included due to the fact that it must be recognized for being the worst nickname to ever be invented.

2006-Forever: “The Big” nickname.  It’s a basic way to annoy all your friends, and confuse everyone around you.  What you do, is take the first initial of your friend’s name, and put “The Big” in front of it.

Blaze Greenive= The Big B

Julia Yourt= The Big J

The (big) problem with this style of naming is that if you hang out with three kids named Aaron, Andrew, and Anthony, it gets a little confusing.  In my homeroom there is a total of 14 “The Big T”s.

However, to counter this minor setback is the fact that with this new style of naming, you can make a lame teacher sound cooler.  If you have a lame Spanish teacher (like me) that makes you call him Mr. E, you can make your friends really jelous with this simply nickname:

Friend- Who do you have for Spanish?

You- The Big E!!!

Friend- Einstein?

You then punch your friend in the head for being so stupid.

All in all more nicknames are to come, and hopefully there won’t be as much fuss about the current ones we have now.  I was watching the news recently, and there seems to be a fight between North and South Korea over who should be called “The Big K” on the world map.