Comedy Corner

I just want you all to know how amazing Yahoo Answers is. When I write a post, I try to make cultural references that all can relate to. Unfortunately, my mind is too littered with song lyrics and baseball statistics to remember anything useful, so I tend to get my answers via sophisticated research:

“MOM!!!! Who’s the Red Sox fan that paints the big baseball on his belly?!!?”

“WHAT?!”

“There’s a famous Red Sox fan who paints a big baseball on his beer belly before going to games. I think he has season tickets and he was in some baseball video game!!”

“No, you can’t have any video games!!”

“UGH NEVERMIND!!”

In the beginning I would turn to my buddylist, IMing my friends with random questions like “Do you know another word for broadcasting?” or “What was the period before the Precambrian Age?” This got old fast because my friends are as uncultured as I am, so their answers consisted of “I think I read something about that in Rolling Stones,” or “I can’t talk, I’m looking at Facebook bumper stickers.”

For a while I was so frustrated with my lack of research that I stopped trying to make cultural references altogether. My posts were bland and lame with no creativity at all. I took all my rage out on nominal things such as Goths or Crocs. Then I discovered Yahoo Answers, and my whole life changed.

My question arose when I was zoning out one day in school and got the “Saved By The Bell” theme song stuck in my head. I then thought of this online video I watched in which they mocked the making of stars by filming the kid who “recorded” these famous these songs. The video starts off with a young shy kid stumbling awkwardly into a recording booth, the music playing, and him suddenly bursting into song (of course since this was a comedy spoof, the actual theme song was playing while this kid mouthed the words, but that only added to the effect). Determined to watch this video again, I went hunting for it. After a long and tedious search of 5 minutes on Google and youtube, I gave up. I knew I couldn’t ask my mother because the most recent video she’s watched was The Lion King, and my father was out of the question because he is the least cool person you will ever encounter. With nothing else to turn to, I remembered Yahoo Answers and thought I’d give it a shot.

The whole process was very easy, I made an account, got a new yahoo email address, and was able to ask a question. My question was as follows:

Can someone help me find an online video?
“I know that searching for a specific video is like finding a needle in a haystack, but I watched one months ago and I was wondering if anyone has a tactic for pin-pointing a video, or if they just know what I’m talking about. The video is a spoof on one of those big-fame-ruins-good-people ideas, and in the film a kid is hired to sing theme songs to sitcom shows. I believe he sings the intro to “Saved By The Bell.” Of course, the character isn’t really singing the song, and he is simply lip-syncing the original recording, which adds to the comedy, but you get my point.

As the video continues, he becomes notorious for his amazing theme-song-singing talents, and–like all famous people–does drugs. I don’t really remember how the video ends, all I remember is the star stumbling into the recording studio, obviously intoxicated, yet still singing an amazing duet with a girl before passing out in the booth.”

The good thing about Yahoo Answers is that in order to ask a bunch of questions, you need to answer a few. This means that people who use the site on a regular basis or to make friends are desperate to find questions to answer. And once you ask a question, people who are also on the site immediately see it. Eager to answer first and earn “points,” they jump right on your question and answer what they know. This means that within 20 minutes of answering your question, you have a response. Unfortunately, I had a retard respond to my question, and his answer was:

“Try You Tube they have all kinds of videos”

Youtube? What’s youtube? I’m sophisticated enough to use the internet to watch movies and contribute to question-asking websites, but I have no idea what the biggest video-sharing site in the world is. Thanks for the advice dumbass.

I figured that I’d give the site another chance and ask another really difficult question, one that my mother couldn’t. My next question concerned the baseball fan I was talking about:

Who Is The Red Sox Fan With The Baseball Painted On His Belly?
“One of the biggest Red Sox Fan is the infamous guy with the baseball painted onto his beer belly. I think he was even in the introduction to a video game, does anyone know his name?”

Literally 10 minutes after answering this question, I had three responses saying “Kyle B.” Hesitant, I searched him on Google and his picture appeared.

I was amazed. I was shocked. I was awestruck by this amazing technology. I could literally ask this site anything and they would know it. To test the theory again, I asked an extremely vague question that I already knew the answer to:

Ludacris Music Video?
“I’m looking for a music video of Ludacris that I caught the end of while channel surfing. In the video, he was rocking a baby cradle with a girl in it and basically doing alot of sexual stuff with women.”

This question was hard because in nearly every Ludacris rap video—let alone every rap video—there are “blinged out” rappers disrespecting women. The only hint I gave in his question was that he was rocking a baby cradle. Despite the elusiveness of the question, five minutes after posting I had two responses telling me the video was Missy Elliot’s “One Minutes Man.”

I am astounded by Yahoo Answers and I suggest you use it right now. Ask it any question you want, and you’ll get an answer. Unfortunately, the answer won’t be from me, because I’ll be watching The Lion King.

They do, however, pay taxes.

Today’s topic of discussion is very serious to me: sports violence. Sports were once an activity revolving around recreation and fun, but have slowly evolved into excuses for aggression. Take, for example, England. No country is more patriotic or prouder than England. The nationalism in that country could overpower any other, and the brotherhood amongst its citizens is stronger than anyone else’s. Which is why you wouldn’t be surprised to find out that during the Euro Cup, the English soccer team’s supportive fans celebrate their team’s victory by joining together, sharing laughs, and—in some festive cases—lighting cars on fire.

You can’t blame the English though. Their sense of nationalism is fueled by more than heart and love of the game. Their pride is powered by something powerful. It rushes through their veins, causing a momentary high in which their inner devotion can no longer be withheld. The English’s pride is energized by one thing: beer. When filled with this alcoholic pride, soccer no longer becomes a sport. It becomes a social even in which you and your friends sing songs, celebrate life achievements, and viciously riot in the street.

Without beer, sports would be exactly what they were meant to be: entertaining. Let’s look, for instance, at America’s favorite pastime of baseball. When baseball grew in the 1920’s it was very amusing. Families would go to the ballpark dressed in their most formal outfits—as if they were going to church—to see legendary heroes build their careers. Baseball was a game of numbers, and nothing else.

It was later that baseball was combine with America’s other favorite pastime: aggressive drinking. Fans no longer went to games for entertainment, but instead used it as a place to socially drink. Fights would erupt against opposing fans—and even fellow teammates—and most fans wouldn’t even watch the game. Ball parks have inevitably tried to resolve the problem by charging 7 dollars a beer, but determined fans will not be defeated. And if you don’t believe that beer has infected baseball, just look at this comparison:

What Fans Wore In The 1920’s

What Fans Wear Now

My interest in the subject arose when I had a personal experience with sports violence. I was at my girlfriend’s field hockey game, and things were getting rough.

Field hockey, for those of you who don’t know, was invented in the 1960’s during the women’s rights movements as a “replacement sport.” Replacement sports arose when women demanded “equal rights” and men needed to stop their persistent bitching and quickly invent sports for them. First, they tried to make women’s leagues from men’s sports, they that failed miserably, as shown by A League Of Their Own. So instead, they invented replacement sports; activities competitive enough to qualify as sports, but easy enough that girls can still play them on their period.

Softball evolved from baseball, but in order to make it easier two things were eliminated:

1. The overhand pitch
2. The entertainment

Similarly, field hockey came from men’s ice hockey, but made it easier for girls by taking it off the slippery ice, making it basic so that girls only have to use one side of the stick, elimination checking, and getting rid of that nasty “intensity” that takes place in most real sports.

Watching my girlfriend play field hockey was almost as exciting as eating glue. A bunch of girls were just running around aimlessly and every time an offensive attack started to develop the whistle would blow and the play would stop. Luckily, things got exciting when one girl on the other team started getting into a girl on our team’s face. The two began pushing one another and yelling in each other’s face. I couldn’t hear the argument, but I assume it went like any other sport trash-talk:

Girl 1: Your shorts don’t match your shoes!

Girl 2: Oh yeah, well your socks don’t match your stick!

Girl 1: Take that! (Shoves Girl 2)

Girls 2: Everyone thinks you wear too much makeup!!

Girl 1: YOU BITCH!

This vicious trash-talk continued throughout the game until we won 12-3. That’s another thing about “replacement sports,” they’re normally so boring to watch because one team completely dominates the other. Rarely will you see a women’s sport that is so close that you get interested; the two exceptions being the 1998 Women’s Soccer Finals and the Rock Of Love 2 reunion. (In Case You Missed It)

After the game, our team gathered to celebrate the win and later went out to our cars. It was then we found out that our car windows were smashed. Two windows, actually. One van window had been completely decimated, while another car had a rock thrown through it. Horrified by what had just happened to her van, a girl on our team expressed dreadful concern towards the accident. “They had better not have taken my Hollister clothes!” she yelled, jumping into the car and grabbing a shopping bag. The clothes were still there (Thank GOD!) but one girl did get her purse stolen and my girlfriend’s dad had his briefcase taken. I lost all the homework I had worked so tediously to complete and was unable to hand it in.

In that single incident, field hockey gained my respect. It was no longer a replacement sport, but an aggressive activity that resulted in window smashing and grand-theft-purse. I am personally signing up for a field hockey team so that I can partake in the action. But first, I think I need a drink.

I love random facts. One of my favorite things is when you and your friends end up all sitting around and sharing all the random facts that you’ve heard in your life; each fact leading to a goofy anecdote. But what I don’t like are the lame kids that always spew the same lame-ass facts that everyone knows. No one wants to be reminded of a fact they learned from their 3rd grade babysitter. Facts are supposed to be stirring and stimulating, which is why it’s retarded when kids try to impress you with these boring “revelations”:

-It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

-Proportionally, the strongest muscle in your body is your tongue.

-There are more plastic lawn flamingos in the US than real ones.

-The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

When you hear these facts, you’re not inspired, nor are you excited to hear another. All you can think is “wow, this person just became as smart as my 8-year-old cousin.”

I think what I love the most about “facts” is that you can really never tell which ones are made up and which ones are true. In fact (no pun intended), you could make up whatever “fact” you wanted, and no one would call you on it—provided it’s believable. For example, for the past 5 years, during every fact-exchange me and my peers have had, I’ve told everyone that all polar bears are left-handed. Are all polar bears left handed? Who knows! The best part is that nobody can call me on it because no one has seen a polar bear throw a baseball with their right hand. Even better, facts spread like wild-fire, especially the fake ones.

Before you I have put together some very interesting facts that—to my knowledge—are completely true. But there’s no real way to tell, all you can do is believe them and tell them to everyone you know.

-On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

-The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.

-In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere… usually in Jerry’s living room.

-More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed each year from using products that are made for right-handed people.

-Pain is measured in units of “dols”. The instrument used to measure pain is a “dolorimeter”.

-David Alan Grier, Ice Cube, Dave Chappelle and John Travolta all turned down the offer to play the role of Bubba from Forrest Gump. Chevy Chase also turned down the role of playing Forrest.

-The name Vanilla comes from the Spanish word “vainilla”, diminutive form of “vaina,” which is in turn derived from Latin word “vagina”.

-The modern bikini was invented by a French designer in 1946. It was named after Bikini Atoll, the site of US nuclear weapon tests a few days earlier in the Marshall Islands, on the reasoning that the burst of excitement it would cause would be like the nuclear device.

-’Fjord’ is the only word in the English language to start with the letters ‘fj’. A fjord is a long, narrow arm of the sea bordered by steep cliffs.

-Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow the film down so you could see his moves

I would love to share more with you people, but I have to go play catch with a polar bear. Does anyone have a lefty glove?

With the April vacation coming up and later the summer, many people will be going onto trips in which they are, technically, tourists.

Tourist [toor-ist]—noun:
1. a person who is traveling, esp. for pleasure.
2. a person who costs everyone else pleasure by traveling

Being a tourist is a very big responsibility; not only do you have to get a life-remembering journey down into a week of site seeing and three rolls of camera film, but you must do it all while representing your country in the most stereotypical and negative way possible to the point where everyone wants to go to war with the country you’re from. It is a lot of responsibility that few can handle, and many cave under the pressure, which is why I have constructed steps that will help you better yourself as a tourist and successfully allow other countries to hate you.

1. Always travel out of the country.

Let’s face it, there’s nothing exciting to see in America, at least not in comparison to other countries. The United States is a very young country, and there’s no joy in seeing something that is “almost 100 years old.” My grandmother is almost 100 years old, and she visits every spring. And if you are going to travel within America, you have to travel at least 10 states away from where you live, that way you at least hear a different accent or come across a new form of bigoted racism. But even then, traveling nationally is a waste of most vacation opportunities. You’re not exploring foreign land; you’re not experiencing different cultures. You’re paying 15 dollars to take an elevator up the Empire State Building. COOOLLL!!!

Europe is the place to go while traveling, because people there speak enough English for you to not feel completely lost, but still hate America enough to rip you off. If you go to Europe, get ready to pay 15 Euros more on every purchase you make, regardless of what you buy. And with inflation and cash exchange, 15 Euros is equally to roughly $2,793. Also, with Europe, all the famous landmarks are smashed together, making sight seeing much easier. As opposed to American where the White House is hundreds of thousands of miles and two plane trips away from the Golden Gate Bridge, in one European day trip, a family could see up to six different landmarks (“Look honey, there’s Eiffel Tower! If we hurry we can still see Big Ben!!”).

2. Picture Taking.

A picture is worth a thousand words. And one billion pictures of you and your family weakly smiling in front of the leaning tower is just what you need to be a tourist. Nothing says “I’m an international loser” like an entire photo album labeled “Italy 2008” in which your sunburned face is seen tarnishing otherwise gorgeous pictures of every Roman landmark.

When taking a picture that will forever be remembered by being locked away in a dusty photo album in your attic, there are a few things you need to consider:

Let it be known that in every picture you take on a vacation, you are going to look like you just fought a bear. You’ve been walking all day; you’re sweaty and tired; and even though you knew you’d be taking pictures you still wear your Vote For Pedro t-shirt that makes you look like you’re in 5th grade.

To distract people from your sunburned face and white-trash style, you need to do something in your picture that will make people look away from you and more towards the out of focus and off-center landmark behind you. Most people do what I call “Picture Participation” in which they take an “original” photo of themselves in front of the monument, and therefore ruin any chances of people liking it. Picture Participation either involves you pointing into the distance towards your landmark, making a dumbass face in front of the landmark, or being “creative” even though everyone has already done what you’re doing. Here are some examples:

My main example for Picture Participation, however, is what every single person does in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy. If you’ve been to Pisa, you’ve done it. I guarantee it. I’ve done it!! It’s when you think you’re cute and artistic by taking a picture of you “holding up” the tilting tower, even though everyone around you is doing the exact same thing. Don’t believe me?

Next, you must determine how far away from the landmark you are going to take the picture. As you can see by the three examples of Picture Participation, you can choose to be near or far from your landmark, depending on how many of your blemishes you want people to see. Let me tell you now that professional tourists like myself make sure to take pictures as far away from the landmark as possible. This allows people to get an amazing view of the scenery behind you, and will also make the picture so blurry that people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between you and a trashcan. And I’m not talking about 50 or even 100 yards away. Oh no, the perfect picture requires skillful measurements and proper camera lighting, as shown by this scale:

In addition, you must complain and fuss when someone walks in the way of your shot, which will be roughly every 3 seconds. Make a big deal out of people “ruining” your picture by walking in front of you and scoff loudly so they know that you’re distressed. Chance are they did it on purpose when they saw the American flag on your bag.

3. Carry A Map. Everywhere.

If you were to go to Washington D.C. and try to spot tourists, you would simply have to look for anyone rushing around with their nose buried in a map. Tourists have some ongoing need to constantly be in contact with a map; for fear that getting lost in the exotic town would end their lives. Common tourist apparel includes the following:

a. Trusty map
b. Backpack jacked up so high it’s basically resting on him neck
c. Sandals
d. Socks
e. Sunscreen
f. Sunglasses
g. Two or three exhausted people complaining and following behind him

A tourist could have to walk one block to his destination, but would never be able to see the gigantic castle because his face is blocked by the map. Unable to look up from the paper to see the landmark towering over him, he will then assume he’s lost ask directions from a European. This is a horrible decision because not only do Europeans hate Americans more than life itself, but putting your trust in their hands obligates them to mess with you. “Excuse me, do you know where the Arc De Triomphe is?” the man will say slowly and clearly, praying that the man understands him. This broken and helpless sentence translates in most European languages into “I’m wrongfully trusting to go anywhere you point. By the way, I’m American.” This is also why it took so long for the American army to re-claim Paris in World War II.

American General: Can you ask this person how the American Army can get to Paris?

Translator: Arrêter de mettre que j’écris dans une langue différente par un traducteur

French Person: J’ai dit que cent fois vous arrêtez

Translator: He says that we just missed it. We want to go east through Switzerland, and take a left at Austria. He says we can’t miss it.

American General: CHARGE!!!!

No matter where you travel, and no matter where you go, you’ll be a tourist. You will wander around aimlessly while epitomizing all that everyone hates. The best you can do is suck it up, try your best, and stay at home where the privacy of your own house prevents people from judging you. But if you ever feel like being viciously judged while becoming lost, people really need help holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

While in high school, many will realize that they need money. Whether it’s because they need to afford the latest video games, buy the trendiest fashion designs, or waste hundreds of dollars on their money-sucking leech-of-a-girlfriend, income is a major part of any high schooler’s life. Which is why, a few weeks ago, I got myself a job. I work roughly 20 hours a week at the local bakery, where we serve delicious pastries, warm cookies, and fresh-out-of-the-oven bagels, all of which have been carefully dropped on the ground before being served.

When you get a job, you recognize how much slips through the cracks at even the most sophisticated restaurants. When I actually ate at this restaurant, I thought that the food was handled with extreme precision and attention, making sure it was cooked perfectly before handing it to our customers on a golden platter. Now that I’m actually the one being forced to deal with the dissatisfied and self-centered shit-fucks that are commanding a bagel “charred but not burnt” and then bitching when the toaster goes up in flames in an attempt to custom toast their order, I realize that employees at any restaurant don’t actually give a rat’s ass what happens to your food.

I know that I’m sounding a lot like the movie Waiting, but it’s entirely true. The whole idea of a job is that you waste the majority of your life wandering around aimlessly, taking orders from unqualified dumbasses and serving people with the IQ of electrical wires. And in return, you make minimum wage, half of which is taken from you by the government, and half of which you’re forced to “save.” The only difference with my site and the movie Waiting is that Ryan Reynolds should win an Academy Award, whereas I’d gladly settle for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Some things I have learned, however, about having a job, are certain ways to manipulate the system and get out of doing legitimate work. What is this super secret idea that will revolutionize the workforce and motivate millions? It’s simple: Look busy. When you’re at work, your manager or coworkers will call upon you to do pointless tasks if they catch you standing around aimlessly. These tasks might include sweeping the floor, cleaning tables, or “re-stocking” the shelves. You obviously don’t need to be doing that, and you’re only going to get in the way of people who are only trying to enjoy their meal. So to avoid being summoned for futile labor, all you have to do is look like you’re already doing a senseless task and people will leave you alone. Some of these tasks include:

• Squinting into the restocking shelves as if you’re looking for something.
• Pretending to take a phone-in order, when you’re really just putting the phone to your ear and going “Yes, yes,      alright. Would you like a side of chips with that?”
• Walking around in circles with two dirty plates in your hands.
• Telling everyone that you’re “on break.”
• Franticly scrubbing the same bowl for 35 minutes, insisting that some lady handed it back due to its filthiness (this      one is extra effective because it makes you seem like a hero and the dish-cleaning staff look sloppy).

Also, while working the register, I have compiled a list of things I hate. Now in a normal, everyday situation, I would be completely alright with these things; it’s just the fact that I have to deal with them 14 times a day that drives me crazy. Pay close attention, you might be one of these people:

The “Exact Change” Person. All the time people want to “get rid of a few coins” by paying me in exact change. Most people would deem this as logical and even convenient, but these people aren’t forced to wait an extra 20 minutes as the customer fumbles around in her purse for 39 cents while the people in line behind her begin to riot. Listen, I have an entire register full of change. Even better, it’s already sorted in boxes full of quarters, nickels, and dimes. If you have extra change, go to Coin-Star, don’t hand me four nickels, three dimes, and 42 pennies in an attempt to make things easier for me. Even worse, I have to count out the money to make sure you’re not trying to rip me off.

I had one lady who bought $4.16 cents worth of food. I told her the total, and she responded “let me just get that.” I then had to sit and watch as this lady rooted around in her purse, fumbling past crisp five dollar bills to reach the change accumulating in the bottom of her wallet. She then handed me (and I swear I’m not exaggerating this) 16 quarters, one nickel, and 11 pennies. After painstakingly sorting out all this change, I was forced—by my manager—to smile and tell this woman to “have a nice day.” Fuck that.

In reality, it makes sense to get rid of extra change. I too, don’t like heavy coins bouncing around in my pockets, and I have a jar that I collect them all in. But what really throws me off are people who try to pay in exact change, over-shoot it, and then wind up with more change than before. One man I served had a total of $8.08. When I told him his total, he handed me a ten dollar bill, and then pulled a dime out of his pocket. This makes sense, seeing as how dimes are annoying change and are inconveniently small, but the only problem is that I handed this man back $1.02. This means that he just went from having one dime in his pocket, to having two pennies. Either the man is some mentally unstable change-hoarder, or he wasn’t thinking straight.

The “Custom Order” Person. At most restaurants, bakeries, and cafes, they have a set menu or food to order from. Nothing annoys people more than customers who think that they are the center of the universe, and that everything they want is at hand. Every time these people are going to be assholes and amend a regular order, they start their sentence like Mr. Lumbergh from Office Space (“Ummm, yeah”). Instead of rant about it, I’m going to show you a conversation I had with one of these people:

Me- Hey, how can I help you?

Man- Hello, I was just wondering what your Smoked Turkey is made of.

Me- It’s a grilled turkey breast with cheese, peppers, mustard, and sauce. It can come on wheat, french slice, or rye.

Man- Umm yeah, can I get that, only can I have it without mustard, cheese, or turkey, and instead have it with lettuce and bacon? And can I have that on white bread?

Me- Sir, you just ordered the Smoked Turkey, but then modified it into a BTL.

Man- Yes, and I was wondering if you could cut it diagonally. It’s for my son and he doesn’t eat things with more than three sides. Which reminds me, he wanted it to come with a chocolate milk, but he said that the chocolate milks here are too chocolaty, so I was wondering if you could take ¾ a box of chocolate milk and mix it with ¼ regular milk. Also the coldness from the refrigerator hurts his teeth, so can you just steam the milk for 15 seconds?

Me- Your total is $5.37

Man- Umm yeah, I only have $3.15.

Just last week a man asked me if there was anyway I could toast his French Baguette. Let me repeat that: he wanted me to put his French Baguette in the toaster. I told him that it was impossible for me to fit a three foot baguette in a tiny toaster, and he asked to “check with my manager.”

People Who Know The Menu Better Than I Do. There are some people who go to my work every day, similar to how some obese people go to McDonald’s every day—it’s tradition. The only difference is that the fat people that go to McDonalds aren’t complete assholes who try to manipulate an ever-changing menu. These people insist that “there’s normally left over soup” when there isn’t any, and then they try to peak over my shoulder as if I’m secretly hiding their beloved soup behind my back. Meanwhile, the offered soups are glowing in massive orange print over my head, but these people insist on finding a loophole in the system by ordering one that’s unavailable.

“But you had chicken noodle soup yesterday,” the people will say, still trying to peer over my shoulder into some imaginary kitchen where they cook every soup in the world. You know what else I had yesterday? Patience, but I’m all out of that too.

Any number under 100 ending in 4 or 9. I hate these numbers because it sucks having to give back four pennies. 34 cents consists of a quarter, nickel, and four pennies. 35 cents, however, is only a quarter and a dime. I hate change more than anything, and I especially think that pennies suck. So you can imagine my hatred when a persons total comes to 94 cents, and I’m forced to shovel out three quarters, a dime, a nickel, and—of course—four pennies. Half the time I want to just give the person the extra cent, but I can’t because when I leave they count my register, and if my total sales don’t add up to the money in the register, I get a stern talking to, and no one wants that.

I hope that you all take this list as a learning tool, and change yourself to benefit others. Because those “others” you’re trying to please are currently putting their hands on their food, as well as scratching their balls; you had just better hope it’s in that order. And if I ever catch another person paying me in exact change while custom-making their own order, I’ll probably shoot them in the back of the head. Or worse, I’ll tell them to “have a nice day.”